American Idol: The Girls

Welcome to another completely random TV blog! Yep, I’m pretty much the laziest blogger ever so there is zero regularity to my posts. Let’s jump right into mocking American Idol. It’s a pastime of mine.

We open with Ryan letting us know that “THIS….is American Idol.” Just once, I’d like him to botch the intro. Personally I’m losing all hope with American Idol now that the judges have decided not to actually judge, rather just tell everyone how good they are. Even when they are really bad (I’m looking at you, Eben).

I’m not digging this new format where they just pick the top 10 and three wildcards over one show. If you’re not good the first night out you’re probably going home. Unless you’re a 15-17 year old boy that isn’t a complete ogre. Then you’re probably going to be voted through by frighteningly persistent girl tweens with unlimited text packages.

Luckily the contestants are being asked to “film their lives at home.” Which I’m guessing is because American Idol doesn’t have the budget to send professional camera crews. I say “luckily” because I know my life would be for the worse if I didn’t know how many stoplights Chelsea’s town has.

First up…

Chelsea Sorrell: What we learn about her hometown: it’s 40 minutes from a mall (that would horrify me, too) Song: “Cowboy Cassanova” by Carrie Underwood. She seems better than most of the guys last night, although she keeps fading out at the end of her notes. And seriously, you can sing ANY song and you pick this? Also, I can’t look away from those gigantic boobs. Which feels really weird and wrong since she’s in high school. Judges verdict: “too nasel” “not the best choice” and the blunt “it sucks to go first” from JLo. [someone obviously told them that yesterday’s blind lovefest was worthless so now they’re probably just going to rip into everyone]

Erika Van Pelt: Ahh…the mobile DJ. Why? Why can’t they just call her a DJ? How many DJ’s AREN’T mobile? Song- “What About Love.” Well, her chiffony jacket is definitely channeling Heart in 1989… but her voice is decent and she looks confident on stage. Although this song is a little dated, I liked it. So far these girls are a lot better than the guys.

I feel like I need to interrupt for a second and point out that Randy is wearing yet another horrific, loud outfit. Not only is he wearing a leather jacket with a pocket square (pretentious much?), but it looks like it came from Minnie Mouse’s underwear drawer.

Jen Hirsh: We’ve seen a lot of Jen throughout Hollywood week so clearly the producers are fans. Having watched her package, I can tell you she’ll never be a cameraman. This is some seriously shaky handicam action. Song: “One and Only” by Adele. My first impression is – “Wow, she looks like Ricki Lake meets Lea Michele”… I don’t know this Adele song, so I can’t compare it (luckily) to the original. The beginning was really promising. And then it got sort of screechy and desperate. JLo, however, looks just ecstatic. Like one of her children pooped gold.

Also, what is up with Randy just randomly yelling out his co-judges names? And “yeahhhhhh”. Someone turn his mic off when it’s not his turn. He clearly thinks he is Simon. Also, what the shit does “good lookin’ out” even MEAN? WHY DOES HE KEEP SAYING THIS?

Brielle Von Hugel: This chick is most known for her annoying as shit mother and the fact that she “was in Pia’s group last year.” I hope she turns 18 during the series so her mother can go home. Song: “Sitting on the Dock of the Bay.” To open the song, she’s sitting, rather uncomfortably, with the boys. There’s a dock on the screen in the background. Whoever has to pick the background images has a really tough job. On a positive note, this is just terrible (so it’s positive because I won’t have to see her mother or listen to her annoying Long Island accent anymore). Steven thinks the song is beautiful. Steven is deaf. JLo thought it was “amazing”, thus changing the entire meaning behind the word “amazing.” I’m glad to see the judges are back to not judging. All is well again in American Idol world.

Would we call her...handsome?

Hallie Day: Every time she says her name I hear “Howie Day.” She works at Cheesecake Factory in Baltimore (I’ve been there. In case you’re interested). Song: “Feeling Good.” OK, three notes in and she’s OWNING her competition. ‘Torchy’… unfamiliar with that word, but Randy is basically saying he doesn’t know what kind of artist she would be (a torchy one, perhaps?). Hallie is good though. Looks a little like a tranny tonight. But good.

Skylar Laine: Aka the girl who wears a lot of camo and owns a family grocery that has had a “rough ten years” (!). Song- “Stay With Me.” OK, the obvious first question is where the hell did her dress come from? It’s like an ice skater’s dress. With those fringy things you hang off your bicycle handlebars around the waist. I actually really like this girl, although she looks like she’s dancing at a frat party at times. Randy is doing his favorite name dropping thing. JLo said it was like “Tina Turner going country.” (If Tina Turner was dead she’d be rolling over in her grave. But she’s not. Right?)

Baylie Brown: Her grandfather is her best friend. Which is nice. But sort of sad? Song: “Amazed.” People on American Idol love singing this song for some reason, but I really hate it. She is totally off from the first note, but her dress looks really good, if that helps. So not in love with this performance. Even the judges can’t stand to look at her. Judges… “You look pretty.” “Could’ve had a better moment…” and WOOT, the first “a little pitchy” from Randy. So twice she was told how amazing she looks. Which generally means you’re going home.

Holly Cavanagh: aka Avril Lavigne. Or “Holly from the Office” (according to Mr. Sesh). I just listened to her package twice to try and figure out what kind of accent she has (she leaves all her “r’s” behind. Like an Australian-Texan hybrid). Song: “My Reflection” (or whatever it is called…you know…. The Mulan song). Well, despite this lame song… she is far and away the best of the night. Super strong voice. Cute dress. Steven wants her to let her hair down (literally. confirmed by Ryan. Thank god we have Ryan to ask these compelling questions). JLo claims to know her so well that she said she was holding back (how can they judge like this? How? Last night it was just a LOVEFEST for the crappy guys and tonight it’s all ticky tacky complaining. Jesus.)

Haley Johnson: We learn she is a barista. And a gymnast. And she has a cat. And it rains in Portland. Song: “Sweet Dreams” by the Eurythmics. Creepy eye graphics! Wow. I would have vetoed that if I was Hayley. This is pretty much a disaster. Lots of screaming. A nightmarish dress…just…severely ugly. Stomping around the stage. And the eye graphics. The creepy, creepy eyes that follow you everywhere.  JLo says she “deserves to be here.” Steven: “the money shots were spot on.” (gross?) Randy: “it was more of a nightmare than a dream” (FINALLY. FINALLY. THE TRUTH.) Naturally Haley chose it because she “loves the song.” Which means she has never watched American Idol. You know, where you learn that picking a song you love doesn’t mean you’re going to do well. In fact, it probably means it’s going to suck.

"World Peace."

Shannon Magrane: Aka the 16 year old that Steven Tyler skeezed on, who has an ex pro baseball player father, Joe Magrane. Aka the really tall girl. I’m predicting a ballad ever since she came on stage in the opening sequence of the show wearing what can only be called a “pageant gown.” So…yep. It’s a ballad. Didn’t exactly catch the name but it involves candles. A lot of candles. Singing a song that no one has ever heard of seems like a bad idea.  We’re pegging this as “God rock.” Now TAKE YOUR CANDLE. Take it. Just take your freaking candle and go light your world. It’s a METAPHOR.  Or whatever.

Jessica Sanchez: Ahh… Jessica. aka Thia Megia 2.0. We learn that her hobby is shopping. Which I can appreciate.  Song: “Love You, I Do” (am I the only one who has never heard of most of these songs?). She’s pretty good. In light of being sick. She reminds me exactly of Thia though…they look alike. Same age. Same size. Like little singing bots. The judges LOVE her.

Elise Testone: Wait..what? “One and Only”? Someone (Jen) already sang this tonight. Has this ever happened on American Idol? Basically this illustrates A: how insanely popular Adele is these days and B: why you don’t choose to sing the same song as someone else. She did way, way, WAY better than Jen did. Let’s listen to the judges blindly ignore the fact that two people sang the same song. Yep. There they go not mentioning it at all.

I’m predicting a girl will win this year. I said that yesterday. Today pretty much proves it. The guys are terrible. The girls rock. GIRL POWER. Yep. I said it.

The Sessionista…OUT.