The Bachelorette: All the Guys Sound Boring

Remember, Becca… when someone hands you a black lace blazer, you don’t HAVE to accept it.

With Rachel, we had “All the Guys Sound Terrible” and with Becca, we have moved on to “All the Guys Sound Boring” (I suppose Boring is better than Terrible? Not for television, but for LIFE).

Now is the time for us to review, prod, judge and make sweeping claims with zero background or insight, into the 27 men looking to “do the damn thing” with Becca. Let’s agree to never say that again, Becca, and we’ll consider this a win.

Follow along with these bios by clicking on ABC’s Cast page! All of these completely subjective opinions are based on one headshot and two-three lines of marketing copy so you know…caveat emptor.

Alex, 31, Atlanta: Skis, boats, has a dog. A strong frontrunner, based solely on his bio and headshot.

Blake, 28, Colorado: Vaguely looks like Andy Samberg. Described as both a “high school and collegiate athlete.” Referencing your high school successes in your late 20s – not a good look, Blake.

Blake and Andy
I’m sure IRL he looks nothing like Andy Samberg, but in this press photo, they look like twinsies.

Chase, 27, Florida: Chase played baseball in the College World Series. I’m sensing a theme here.

Chris, 30, Florida: “Originally from New York, Chris has embraced the sunny Florida life since he was a kid.” Chris is really reaching for that NY cred. He, like every other man on this show, is “extremely passionate about fitness and health.” Looking forward to the guy that says he embraces “pizza, ice cream and Netflix marathons.”

Christian, 28, San Diego: Originally from Mexico, played ‘semi-professional soccer’ in the U.S. until “injury forced him to retire.” We now have the following sports represented: Skiing, Baseball, Football, and Soccer. We’re a basketball and hockey player away from every major American sport being represented in this cast.

Christon, 31, Los Angeles: Christon with an “O” – former player for the Harlem Globetrotters. Well, that was quick – we’re now 5 for 5 on athletes!

Clay, 30, Chicago: Clay’s photo looks like he wants to consume you. His job is “pro football player” (I’m going out on a limb and say he plays in a league OTHER than the NFL*). He doesn’t curse, which I find fucking INSUFFERABLE. *Crawling back up that limb, he has played in the NFL for quite awhile, although it sounds like he’s basically out of it now.

Colton, 26, Denver: FORMER pro football player. HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA. I’m enjoying Clay’s alphabetic dominance, in both his name and his career.

It’s almost as if when his parents named him, they knew he’d grow up to look exactly like this.

Connor, 25, Florida. Connor is a Fitness Coach, but ‘had the opportunity to play professional baseball for the Atlanta Braves” which I’m translating into “did not, actually, ever play baseball for the Atlanta Braves.”

Darius, 26, California. Our first pharma sales rep of the season (there’s always at least one). He likes traveling and dancing and OH MY GOD we’ve reached the first non-professional/semi-professional/former athlete! Points to Darius for breaking the mold.

David, 25, Denver. David is described as a Venture Capitalist. David (or his family, more likely) is rich and I know this because he enjoys “rich people sports” (golfing and skiing) and spending time at his family’s ‘beach house.’ “David loves guacamole, but hates avocado. Hopefully, that’s not a deal breaker for the Bachelorette!” Well David, it is for me, because that’s one of the stupidest things I’ve read on a Bachelor bio (AND MY GOD, STUPID THINGS ARE THE ESSENCE OF BACHELOR BIOS).

Grant, 27, California. Grant is embracing his blue collar family roots – he’s a 4th generation electrician (this family LOVES wiring). Grant is one of those people who seems super normal on paper and is probably the type of person you date IRL (but not so much on the Bachelorette).

Garrett, 29, Reno. Our second medical sales rep! He’s “excited to find love with the Bachelorette…down by the river!” When I think of the phrase “down by the river,” I automatically think of depressing songs where bad shit happens (think Richard Marx’s “Hazard,” and Springsteen’s “The River”), so this line would not work on me. Also, his eyes are disconcertingly wide-set. I’m sorry, I had to say it.

Jake, 29, Minneapolis. I think Jake was hired solely because he is from Minneapolis. He likes poetry and bungee jumping and as such, I hate him. (also, since I burned Garrett, I need to point out that Jake’s eyes are disconcertingly CLOSE set, and perhaps having these guys next to each other on the photo bios is really exacerbating these conditions). Also, Jake is either vaguely cross-eyed, or he pissed off whomever signs off on the headshots.

I mean really

Jason, 29, Seattle. Jason is a SENIOR corporate banker (not to be confused with those shitty, underpaid junior corporate bankers).  He’s a New York native and likes singing Disney tunes. A hard pass, even though he’s “from” Seattle.

Jean Blanc, 31, Florida. Jean Blanc has an unusual name (for an American) and an unusual profession (a colognoisseur). Do I know what a colognoisseur is? No. Do you? No. I’m guessing it’s someone who designs cologne. I’m now googling it. The first five results include references to The Bachelorette (testimony to both the Bachelorettes’ SEO-worthiness AND the fact this is obviously some made up bullshit because the first page of results does not include any sort of definition for the word). I’m done with you and your career shenanigans, Jean Blanc. Update: JB is Haitian and collects cologne. He works in finance. He will be gone on night one, so this is the most coverage he’s getting.

Joe, 31, Chicago. Joe’s bio includes grocery store puns, which I am not here for.

John, 29, San Francisco. He is a tech guy (shocking) who claims to make world famous banana bread (you have my attention…).

Jordan, 26, Florida. Jordan is a Ken doll, come to life. His doppelganger is, indeed, a plastic doll. I thought this before clicking into his bio, where I then find he’s a ‘male model’ (the word ‘male’ here seems quite redundant.). Also, Jordan claims to have run a 4.24 mile, which I’d like to see put to test on the Bachelor. That is VERY fast.

Jordan and Ken
It really forces us all to consider the question, “Can a man and a plastic doll be related?”

Kamil, 30, New York. Kamil’s job is a “social media participant” which I guess means he’s a jobless 30 year old with a Facebook account. Likes: real estate and modeling. Dislikes: Spiders. Our third immigrant!

Leo, 31, California. His hair is a non-starter.

Lincoln, 26, Los Angeles. Lincoln looks friendly and approachable (win!). Also an immigrant (we’re at 4). Lincoln would “love to have a big family to make his mom proud” which seems like not the BEST reason to have a big family.

Mike, 27, Ohio.  In dire need of a hair cut, Mike enjoys ‘festivals, horse races and state fairs” and his bulldog Riggins. The only points he gets is for his dog’s name, aka the best FNL character. Also, Mike is a sports analyst, so he can analyze 80% of his fellow competitors on this show.

Nick, 27, Florida. Florida is really disproportionately represented on this show. Nick wears tracksuits and is an attorney.

Rickey, 27, San Diego. Rickey looks very friendly and seems like the type of guy that would have a really loud, boisterous laugh. He’s looking for woman who can “keep up with his lifestyle” whatever that means.

Ryan, 26, California. Ryan looks SUPER nice and then I saw he is a banjoist and I really wish that was not his occupation byline.

Trent, 28, Florida. Another Floridian, Trent is a realtor who also dabbles in modeling (oh to dabble in modeling!). He voluntarily shared with the world that he has been on the cover of romance novels, and there is a 75% chance his intro stunt will be handing Becca a novel with him on the cover. Maybe 90%.

Wills, 29, Los Angeles.  Wills seems super normal, which is often the kiss of death on the Bachelor/ette.

My casting take-aways:

  1. It’s a sporty (thus, competitive) group. The one-upsmanship on night one should be VERY VERY good.
  2. It’s heavily California (10) / Florida (7) based. (4) are from the Midwest (aka where Becca lives, if we all pretend that Becca and her future short-term fiancée aren’t going to move to LA after this little show).
  3. There’s not really a distinctive look to the cast, pretty mixed up. Other than the usual “fit, square-jawed” approach of every season ever.
  4. I see no obvious front runners. The bios this year are very boring so it’s not as easy to suss out crazy. I’d say Alex and Colton are sure fire bets to make it far. On paper and photo-wise, I guess I’d put my money on Alex.
  5. There are no obvious whackadoodles, which bums me out, from a viewership standpoint (but good for Becca!).