The Bachelor Finale: One Lonely Reindeer, a Metaphor

Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve come to the conclusion of another long season of watching a group of celebrity-craving people grapple for their fifteen minutes to six months of fame (possibly stretched out to two to three years, if they play their cards right).

I watched the finale with three girlfriends, a bottle of Dom Perignon and an exceedingly well behaved infant, so I may have missed a bit of the show (again, no fault of that baby. Baby was entranced by The Bachelor. BABY KNOWS GOOD TV), but really it’s pretty easy to recap what happened even if I had not watched any of it, because this show follows a very specific formula.

We kicked off the show with a meaningless “Chris Harrison on a Soundstage” intro (I assume he was just trying to make up for the fact he was barely on this season, but my god his work tonight literally consisted of him offering meaningless intros and outros between commercial breaks. WHY. IS. HE. HERE?)

An assortment of lucky (unlucky? You choose.) Viall family members were whisked away from their freezing cold homes in Wisconsin to an even colder Finland, where they sat down and watched Nick parade his last two lady loves around. Nick’s sister Bella was solidly Team Raven (speaking of Team Raven – is it possible Bella was named after the Twilight character? She’s in the age range of being a Twilight baby. See? This is how bored I was.) and looked like she wanted to push Vanessa into a snowbank.  Full disclosure – I missed most of the family stuff but I presume it went something like:

Nick’s mom: “They’re both really lovely.”

Nick’s dad: “Son, I just want you to be happy and stop going on national television and embarrassing your mother and all of your siblings. My god, even our dog was hiding under the rug with shame.”

Or something like that.

Moving along, Nick dismissed his family back to Wisco and went on a date with Vanessa. “Date” is a really generous, nice word. More like something out of a fever dream. They rode horses to a tiny shack in the woods (ugh) and met with, THIS IS NOT A JOKE, a Finnish dude dressed up as Santa Claus. First, isn’t Santa Claus a German construct? Second, it’s fucking March, no one cares about Santa Claus right now. Third, WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH THE BACHELOR? I just find “adults hanging out with SC” to be exceedingly disturbing. Especially on a show about romantic love.  He gave them a woodcutting with some really poorly executed caricatures and their Finnish names (I think, my Finnish is…nonexistent). I just kept screaming “THROW THAT THING INTO THE FIRE LIKE YOUR LOVE” but they did not, sadly, oblige.

I challenge you to find any similarities between these people and the drawing on that woodcut, other than Vanessa’s hat.

Then there were some tears and doubts and stuff, and they had a normal real conversation (BORING) and then I faded out for a few minutes and when I came to, it was on to the Raven Date.

Raven had the Best Date Ever, which I guess was Nick’s attempt to make up for the fact he was about to dump her. Raven got to play with husky puppies. They spent entirely too little time on this (I could have watched the puppies in the snow for the entire show, we got about 3 minutes of footage).

All of my time spent watching this show was worth it, for this very moment.

Then they went ice skating, where we learned Nick is a terrible dancer (ice dancer, anyway) and has no chance in a million years of doing ANYTHING on Dancing with the Stars. We even rewound to watch it twice. It. Was. Bad.   (Sidenote: During the ice skating scene, they played “Kiss Me” and I was like “The Cardigans!” and my friend’s husband, while artfully lounging in a chair, drinking a beer AND feeding an infant, just burned me with “Sixpence, son!” and I was chastened and ashamed and put in my place. I’m an embarrassment to the 90s. My apologies to Sixpence None the Richer.)

weeks not over
Nick, demonstrating how much his feelings can change in the space of 48 hours.

After the dates, we revved up to the Someone Gets Dumped portion of the show (the end is in sight!). Nick wandered around in the snow looking like he was thinking hard about thinking hard. Raven put on her spangle dress and black cape and enthusiastically waxed on and on about how she was soon going to be engaged (a sure sign that she was getting dumped). Vanessa put on her Jessica Rabbit dress and fur stole and sang a dynamic rendition of Oh Canada (kidding. Sadly). We sat around wondering what Raven was going to do with that full length velvet cape once she headed back to Hoxie, Arkansas.

The reindeer wondered when it was going to get untied from the fence (answer: Never).

The black Mercedes AWD European crossover pulled up to Nick’s cabin (why was this inside? I wanted a full blown evening event in in the Finnish winter) and out stepped…. Raven. Not shocking. Chris Harrison gave her the sorrowful look he gives all the rejects and she was sent into The Room of Dead Reindeer Skins (so in hindsight, that one reindeer is STOKED to be outside tied to the fence).

Raven immediately launched into her I Love You So Much speech and Nick looked like he was going to vomit (literally, his face actually looked puckish). Raven, not reading the room, continued. Nick, being an asshole, let her go on. Then he did the classic “I love you but I’m not IN LOVE with you” bit and, kudos to Raven, she took it like a champ. She worked up one or two tears that stayed firmly within her eyelids and then was like “OK NBD!” and was packed into the Shame Mercedes where again, she looked pretty OK with it all. This is a sign of just how boring this season got, post-Corrine. The loser didn’t even have a sob fest or WHY NOT ME moment in the limo (well, she did say something about “why does no one love me?” which was sad, but you know, she’ll get past it).

Next up, the Mercedes dropped of Vanessa and Chris Harrison’s entire body language just shouted “HE PICKED YOU!”. In this scene, Vanessa says nothing and Nick starts talking and I’m sure he mentioned something about love, beauty and his innate desire to not move to Canada, but I can’t be sure because I was again distracted by the pile of dead reindeer in the corner. He proposed. She said yes. We can all assume they will never get married. The end.

the ring
Vanessa should find a way to keep this and sell it and live comfortably for the next few years.

I have not watched The Bachelor religiously, but this year just seemed incredibly anti-climactic. Not sure if it’s always that way or not, but everything about this episode (minus the puppies) was a dud.

We end with a review the Winners and Losers of the Bachelor Finale:


Raven: She is not engaged to Nick.

Finland: Not going to lie, Finland did a good job of selling itself.

Me: I finally got to drink Dom Perignon, a highlight in my drinking career. CHEERS, BITCHES.



Vanessa: She is engaged to Nick

Chris Harrison: The desperation to stay relevant was palpable.

That Reindeer: Seriously, someone go check on that reindeer.

Before we go, let’s revisit my initial impressions of the Final Four, which I had made based solely on their online profiles:


Original impression: “Has the most boring profile so far (which hey, probably means she’s really nice and normal IRL, so there’s that).”

Post show impression: This is what it looks like to be wrong about something.


Original impression: “Rachel has Angela Bassett-quality arms, a physical trait I really admire. She also sounds like a really smart, well-rounded, successful person, so I don’t know why she is on this show. She’s the type of person I would want to win, but for the fact she is clearly far too good for this shit.”

Post show impression: This is what it looks like to be right about something!


Original impression: “Raven looks exactly like you would imagine someone named “raven” to look. To the point I wonder if it is her real name. She’s from a town called Hoxie, Arkansas, which sounds pretty awful (but maybe is nice!). Favorite profile moment: “Who is your favorite actor and why? Brittany Murphy (when she was alive).”

Post show impression: I would never have guessed Raven was making it to the Top 4, much less the Top 2. She was a completely inoffensive, non-confrontational nice girl. Except when she told the world she beat up her ex-boyfriend with a shoe.


Original Impression: “Vanessa is another person that seems really normal. Her most intriguing profile moment: “If you could be any fruit or vegetable, which one would you be? An onion because they’re a staple item and can be found all year round.” Ok.

Post show impression: Vanessa seemed like a likely candidate to win it all from basically the first episode. She consistently led in the Power Rankings. She’s like the Duke basketball of The Bachelor.

Congratulations Vanessa, on your moment in the spotlight. See if you can keep that ring when you break up.

the exit
Me, to this blog.



The Bachelor Power Rankings, Week 9: Raven Goes to Finland

Last night I experienced epic highs and lows. High: OMG THIS EPISODE IS ONLY ONE HOUR! Low: “Next week on a special three hour episode of The Bachelor….”. Sigh. It was good while it lasted.

This episode felt like some sort of bastard remnant that they didn’t know what to do with. We started out by watching Nick and Andi have an incredibly staged scene (favorite quote: “the last thing I expected to see when I opened that door was Andi.”). Please Nick, we are not stupid enough to think this shit happens spontaneously. All I want to know is HOW MANY TIMES DID YOU GUYS FILM THAT DOOR OPENING SCENE? They used the take wherein he looked literally less surprised than when CORRINE was standing at his door. And we all knew Corrine was going to be standing outside his door at some point.

Which brings us, naturally, to Corrine. Nick finally had to partake in a Rose Ceremony (former staple of the show, now long forgotten). We all knew Raven was making it through because this show prides itself on previewing what’s “coming up later on The Bachelor” (GUYS, IT WAS ONLY A 54 MINUTE SHOW, THIS WAS NOT NECESSARY) which included a shot of Raven, Nick and a fuck ton of snow.  They showed us this PRIOR to the Rose Ceremony, so clearly we knew Raven was a lock. Apparently ‘suspense’ is not something the Producers are interested in any more (although god knows we’ve seen enough mysterious headless women walking down hotel corridors to last a life time).

“Sorry ladies, this is the only place you can stand where the name of the hotel is also readable and god knows we’re not paying for locations anymore, so I hope you didn’t spend too much on those dresses that no one can see!”

Anyway, I digress. Raven gets through. Rachel the Next Bachelorette gets through. It’s down to Corrine and Vanessa. I would have at least had some suspense at this point because I thought Corrine was a LOCK for the Fantasy Suite, but I had already seen on the Interwebs that Corrine got to boot. Corrine seemed genuinely upset, probably because A- no one ever tells her no and B- she likes winning. Nick packed her off to the limo in a really disturbingly similar scene to when I got dumped at age 16 (minus the limo, the champagne, and the mid 30s reality TV star).

I’m sure her tears dried rapidly when she realized how great getting kicked off really is. It lines up never ending interviews with morning shows and a permanent place on Bachelor Paradise. And the bonus of not being engaged to some rando you met on a TV show, at the ripe, fun age of 25 [WHY WOULD THIS WOMAN WANT TO BE MARRIED? SHE LIVES IN MIAMI WITH AN ENDLESS SHOPPING BUDGET AND A GOD DAMN NANNY WHO CUTS HER CUCUMBERS FOR HER]. Sorry. Had a moment where I mistakenly thought this show was about finding a husband. Remembered it’s about finding B-list fame, and thus I once again understand her sadness.

Corrine and her glass of champers head off into the fierce winds of New York (all those dresses, RUINED by having to wear winter coats). We head to Finland. North Finland. In the winter. WHO NEEDS DAYLIGHT?

Finland’s Tourism Department sponsors the rest of the show, so I hope you all are ready for a LOT of snow, northern lights (real or edited), and fur trimmed hats (which I object to).  Plane tickets? Courtesy of FINNAIR! Lodging? Courtesy of a FINN HOTEL WITH A LOT OF VOWELS! Filming Locations? COURTESY OF THE GOD DAMN TAX PAYING PEOPLE OF FINLAND.  (Not to wreck this for Finland, but it feels like you could get a lot of that stuff [snow, extreme cold, caribou, northern lights] by just heading to Northern Canada)

We settle into some incredibly boring Nick and Raven footage – talking about folding laundry (UGH), playing human darts (WEIRD), gazing at each other (SO BORING). Me, to Bill, three minutes into Finland: “I already miss Corrine. Oh my God. This show sucks when it’s just normal people talking about normal things married people do.”

Lucky for us the hot toddies of Finland are just pure alcohol, because suddenly Raven decides to get really open and sharesie with us, the noble viewer.  Previous blog entries have shown that I. Do. Not. Like. Squirmy. Moments. Raven informs the producer who’s doing her interview, the cameraperson who’s taping it, the caribou of Finland and about 5 million viewers (off the cuff estimate of The Bachelor viewership) that she has only had sex with one guy and that said guy had not ever given her an orgasm.

Ok. So a few things to unpack here.

  1. She’s 25
  2. She has dated one guy for two years
  3. She never told him she loved him, and was not in love with him (murky, but I think that’s what she said).
  4. He only told her he loved her when he was intoxicated
  5. He is the only guy she has had sex with
  6. He apparently is pretty shitty in bed
  7. She felt the need to bring this up on national TV (thus saving a terribly boring episode)
  8. SHE KICKED IN THIS GUY’S DOOR AND STABBED HIM WITH HER HEEL WHEN SHE FOUND HIM CHEATING ON HER (see Week 4). Imagine what she’d have done to a guy she really loved!
  9. I feel really bad for Raven.

We move on to the evening’s finale! Grab your complimentary sweaters (Nick – a massive, throat-strangling turtleneck, Raven – a neckless, shoulderless, gravity defying number)! Turn your chairs at 45 degree angles! It’s non-dinner time!

Gravity, meet Raven’s sweater. Raven’s sweater, meet gravity! NOW DEFY IT. (also, obvs I took this screen cap from someone else because I didn’t take the time to insert lettering or emojis).

Over a lovely non-dinner of caribou and wine, they start talking. Nick asks her direct questions and she responds vaguely and without opinion (this I my problem with Raven. Other than “southern,” she doesn’t seem to have a lot of personality or…opinions. Even on incredibly softball questions). After a bit of gazing into each other’s eyes, Raven decides she MUST tell Nick she loves him. She delivers a full on soliloquy that ends with “I love you.” Nick swoops in for the kiss. Her slouchy sweater somehow miraculously stays on. She tells him she is accepting his Fantasy Suite invitation and then, in my favorite moment in the history of television, casually drops the “oh and btw I’ve never had an orgasm, so you know, NO PRESSURE or anything….” Nick’s face is just like “What. The. Fuck.” I mean, I even felt bad for him, and that is saying a lot.

“He was a man that loved a good turtleneck sweater. Little did he know that one day that sweater would strangle the life out of him. RIP, Nick Viall.”

They relax into a bed to watch the fake northern lights and that’s the end of the show. Well, not the total end. We are then treated to Chris Harrison making a “SATISFYING night” joke, and Nick doing a completely unnecessary Rocky 4 re-enactment (AS IF FINLAND IS THE SOVIET UNION). Bill’s level of disgust with this outshone any other moment in The Bachelor’s run this season so it was REALLY OFFENSIVE.

Bachelor Power Rankings Week 9:

  1. Someone that wins (but really LOSES)
  2. Someone that doesn’t win (but really WINS)
  3. Someone that has a small chance of going back to their normal life and not letting this taint the next 2-3 years of their existence.
Never mind, looks like he survived the sweater murder. Yayyyy.

The Bachelor Power Rankings, Week 8: A Tale of Four Cities

The Bachelor Hometown Dates: A Tale of Four Cities (well, three cities and one very tiny town).

Hoxie, Arkansas: Raven

Random Arkansas Fact: Every so often I like to pronounce it ARE-CAN-SASS.

The Date: First, I have no idea why Raven is still on this show, but she is and it allowed me to spend five revolting minutes gagging at my TV, so I guess it’s a good thing she made it to hometowns. Raven’s “day in the life” date consisted of her picking him up on a ATV and then driving that ATV through a swamp (at one point they looked to be traveling at DANGEROUSLY high speeds but let’s be real, I know NOTHING of ATVs/quads/whatever the heck people call this things).  They then proceeded to chase each other around the shallow swamp water (gross), take off Nick’s shirt (seems like a bad idea), and then LAY DOWN IN FOUR INCHES OF DISGUSTING SWAMP WATER (fucking negligent). Raven was on the bottom, aka the most immersed in the swamp (maybe this is something she is comfortable with, as a native)? Where do I begin??? Insects, leeches, snakes, ALL MATTER OF BACETERIAL AND PROTOZOAL NASTINESS. I presume Raven is dead now, right? No one could survive that.  After that they visited a grain elevator and had a fake encounter with a cop (Raven’s brother). He used the siren just a TOUCH too many times to make it seem credible, IMHO.

This is the grossest thing ever broadcast on network television.

The Family: The best part of this date were the scenes with Raven and her parents. Raven’s parents broke the news to Raven that her dad is now cancer free (yay!) and they all cried and forgot Nick was there.

Verdict: This entire date just reinforced the idea that Raven is not the winner. It was the first date shown, it had the least amount of air time and there was hardly any interaction between Raven/Nick/Raven’s parents, other than the obligatory “so are you ok if I propose to your daughter?” BS.

Dallas, Texas: Rachel

Best Part About This Date: Knowing Rachel is definitely not dating Nick as of February 2017.

The Date: The Rachel/Nick interaction is just bizarre to watch because we all know they are not together (which is not to say we know she does not win. She could technically have won, and they are already broken up). Rachel takes Nick to her mega church, which is predominantly black. Nick looks INCREDIBLY uncomfortable, while his voiceover tells us about how comfortable he is. They then head over to Rachel’s house to meet her mother, two sisters and a cousin. Her older sister Constance is married to Nick 2.0, so he’s not the only white guy in the room. They have a lot of serious, valid conversations about interracial dating (Nick: I don’t see her color. Rachel’s Mom: Well, you may not but the world does.). The person that seems most concerned about the white/black aspect is her sister Constance which is either makes total sense or no sense at all (I can’t decide).

The Parents: Rachel’s dad is unable to attend due to “work conflict” which I presume to be “I’m a fucking Federal Judge, I’m not going on The Bachelor” (fair enough). Rachel’s mom seems lovely. Her family seems very buoyant and fun (which is good, since we’ll see them on The Bachelorette!).

Verdict: Good date, even though something eventually goes sideways. My theory is she is Top 2 and is the runner up to Vanessa, or she “wins” and they are already broken up. She keeps saying she’s super into Nick, so I can’t see it being that she drops out.

“Can we just hurry up and get to the part where I get to date 25 guys?”

Miami, Florida: Corrine

Biggest Moment: Meeting the oft-discussed Raquel (again, just… not the name of a nanny, maid, etc)

The Date: A day in the life of Corrine includes some retail therapy, so we’re treated to fifteen amazing minutes of the two of them shopping at a Miami boutique (although they cut it so it looked like they were going to multiple stores, and that all these shop workers knew Corrine. It was all the same store. Just saying.). He does a Pretty Woman fashion show with four horrible Miami outfits (including a strange amount of winter wear, considering it’s Florida) and then one Nick-approved outfit. The total bill is $3,400, which Corrine pays for with her Platinum AmEx which we all know is paid for by her dad. By my count he got a sweater, a pair of pants, some shoes and possibly a peacoat.  Good for him. Next they have lunch, and Corrine announces “I…love you.” in the most lackadaisical, unenthusiastic, slightly confused declaration of love, ever. Nick does his usual thing to make women stop talking (kisses her).

When I think Miami, I think puffers, fur and earmuffs.

The Family: I’ve been waiting all season for this and it did not disappoint. Corrine’s parents sound like they were just imported from Long Island. Her dad is MAGNIFICENT. He is loud. He is dressed like every other mid-50s guy that lives in the Miami/Palm Beach area. Their waterfront condo is a hodgepodge delight of décor that I gleefully soaked in. Her sister Taylor somehow (how?) looks like she is living in 1999.  They sit down to dinner (Raquel serves them and then sits down with them, but my immediate question is DOES SHE EAT WITH THEM ALL THE TIME?). Corrine’s mom says “I can’t live without Raquel” WHILE RAQUEL IS SERVING HER A GLASS OF WINE. It’s just an impeccably executed editing and producing job, capped off at the end when the camera pans from Raquel cleaning up the dishes to the family looking out the window cooing at Nick and Corrine down below. Corrine tells everyone that “the girls” tried to use Raquel against her and her dad is like “Well how do they even know about Raquel?” (fair) and we’re all going WELL YOU TOLD EVERYONE SHE WAS YOUR EFFING NANNY, WHICH CLEARLY IS WEIRD AS A 24 YEAR OLD AND AN ACCEPTABLE THING FOR PEOPLE TO MALIGN.

We then move on to “Has Anyone Else Ever Done This in the History of the World?” scene, with “this”= lounging on your bed drinking a glass of red wine with your father.  My favorite interaction:

Corrine: I am in love with Nick.

Corrine’s Dad: You’ve barely spent time with him.

Corrine: I’ve been dating him a month and a half!


All of us, reacting to everything Corrine ever says.

Again, Corrine’s dad is THE BEST. He then grills her about what Nick does and his earning potential, and asks her if she’s OK being the primary breadwinner since clearly she’s accustomed to a certain lifestyle. The phrase “primary breadwinner” and “Corrine” don’t really go hand in hand in my mind, but maybe as she gets older she’ll discover her inner businesswoman.

Nick sits down with both Corrine’s dad (they drink 15 year old scotch from wine glasses with thumb indents, so that should just tell you everything you need to know) and Raquel (she’s been working with Corrine’s family for 17 years but her English seems…. Like someone who does not speak English very frequently. You know, like someone whose main job is to cut cucumbers and make cheese pasta). Nick says the same thing he says to every parent/nanny, which is “I really like your daughter, if we end up together are you OK with that?” Parents/nanny seem fine with it.

Verdict: This episode continued to make Corrine seem more likeable (not to be confused with someone I like, or admire, or would spend time around). Just… vaguely likeable. I still don’t think they end up together (my god, she’s only 24!!) but she’ll stick around to Top 2 or Top 3.

Montreal, Quebec: Vanessa

Best part about this date: The incredibly diverse accents within Vanessa’s family. Every person has a different accent (French Canadian, Canadian-American, Italian, Italian-French-Canadian and Vanessa’s strangely American accent).

The Date: Vanessa takes Nick to the school she teaches at (bonus points to Vanessa – her day in the life date is literally a regular day in her life). We find out her students are adult special needs students. She is clearly BELOVED by her students, which was incredibly refreshing to see, and she is clearly VERY into her job. It was the most energetic and passionate we’ve seen her be on the entire show.

The Parents: Vanessa’s parents are divorced, and Nick is going to meet them separately. The first is with her mother’s side, which is huge. We have some Italian grandparents, some siblings and some aunts and other friends. They all sit around the table peppering Nick with questions. THEY. ARE. NOT. IMPRESSED. Vanessa relies heavily on her family’s opinions, which seem to be hovering around “tolerate.” Nick sits down with her mom and when she asks what he likes about her he says: “Well when she stepped out of the limo I was really impressed.” Oh boy. Not sure if this was editing or nerves, but my god what a terrible response. Her mom was like “Yeah, I know she’s pretty, but I’m not really interested in that…” Vanessa’s (very intense) sister also didn’t seem to be a fan. Everyone wants to know what Nick’s post-show plans are (if history is any indication, his plans are to be on another TV show). Apparently Nick and Vanessa have not discussed the fact that they live in two different countries.  Vanessa leaves the date hoping things get better after they visit her dad.

Things do not get better after they visit her dad.

Nick sits down with her dad and asks if her dad would give his blessing should Nick propose. Vanessa’s dad is like “Uh… I barely know you. You are dating three other women. Did you ask this of their families?” Nick tries to dodge the question. Vanessa’s dad persists. Nick is like “well yeah, basically” and Vanessa’s dad’s face exhibits the disgust we all feel when we think about what this show actually entails.  Her dad eventually vaguely acquiesces with a veritable shoulder shrug of “eh, fine. I guess.” END OF DATE.

This man has no time or patience for reality stars. HE SEES THROUGH YOUR CHARADES.

Verdict: I think Vanessa “wins” this season.

The show ends with all four women reconvening in New York City, with Raven wondering if she should have told him that she loves him, Rachel wondering why the fuck she’s on this show, Corrine wondering how far she can go with the Bachelor Nation Franchise and Vanessa wondering why Nick is still dating three other women.

The show ends with Andi Dorfman showing up and knocking on Nick’s door. Nick’s lack of surprise indicates he was forewarned by the producers. All I know about Andi is that she wrote a book and in it implied that Nick is a very awkward sexual partner, so next week SHOULD BE FILLED WITH INCREDIBLE AWKWARDNESS! YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

Final Four Seeding:

  1. Vanessa
  2. Rachel
  3. Corrine
  4. Raven

The Bachelor Power Rankings, Week 6: Remind Me Again When Hometowns Are?


Let’s begin with the sad news that my Final Four is completely busted and all my teams are on buses (limos) heading back to their schools (modest hometown fame/future stints on Bachelor Paradise).

Somewhere along the way this show became a depressing hellscape of no fun. Last week was a downer, with six women going home, and this week was possibly even MORE of a downer. Sunny beaches and yachts can only lift us viewers so high, when we have Nick annihilating everyone in sight.  So many sad faces, so many tears (Mostly Nick’s… he cries a lot.).

Me, watching this show. Minus the outfits, the heels, the tans, the dewy youthful glow, the hair extensions and the candles. 

After some faux “will Nick leave?” drama (thank god Chris Harrison flew into USVI just to have that talk on the beach), everyone quickly forgot their fears over the St Thomas Massacre and they all squealed about going to Bimini, which is basically the same as St Thomas but with no Kmart*. And further north. And I’m sure they have cultural differences (that we did not delve into).  But anyway, they went to another tropical island.

Vanessa gets the first one on one date and they go yachting and talk about their feelings while posing in swimwear (lot of yachts in Bimini, lot of yachts on this episode).  They then go to fake dinner and everything seems to be going well (Vanessa looks stunning, while not eating fake dinner on a windy, random dock). She begins to open up to him and then Nick does his classic “Welp, I can’t really tell you how I feel because there’s a lot of relationships I’m exploring” thing. Vanessa’s face goes sour. I would have liked a hearty “fuck you” and walk away, but sadly she did not do that. This entire set up really just seemed like an attempt to keep some mystery as to who sticks around, because nothing about the last six weeks of The Bachelor makes me think she’s NOT making it to the Top 2.

Extreme. Hair. Envy. 

Corrine, Raven and Kristina go on another yacht date (Corrine: “I’m from South Florida. I look really good on a yacht”) and they swim with sharks. A bit on the nose, ABC. Nick takes this opportunity to slather Kristina with sunblock and, like all men, uses WAY TOO MUCH. Ugh. Raven ends up winning the rose on the group date (for reasons unbeknownst to us), making her the only ‘safe’ person at the end of the show. I sort of underestimated her, although my original assessment: “Raven just seems like the type of girl that men like.” kind of holds water. I don’t entirely know WHAT Nick likes about her so much (they have not shown the two of them having much of a serious connection). Corrine is pissed because she doesn’t get the rose (a huge amount of this episode is dedicated to interviews or shots of Corinne worrying about not getting the rose. It’s exhausting.).

Next up is a one on one with Danielle, which consists of them riding bikes around the island. To recap – four girls went on a nice yacht, three got to swim with sharks. Danielle gets to ride a bike and play an embarrassing game of basketball (the hoop looks to be about 4 feet off the ground) with local kids (no offense to the locals but… yachts). They spout their producer-fed island history lines to the camera like a bad audition tape and it becomes clear that Danielle is going home. They have nothing to talk about. THEY ARE FROM THE SAME STATE, AND YET CAN’T EVEN REMINISCE ABOUT GOOD ‘OLE WISCONSIN. The silence is deafening. Sadly Danielle M, like Danielle L, is oblivious to Nick’s disinterest and over fake dinner begins telling him that she is really into him (or ‘open’ to him, whatever that means).  Everything seems like it’s going well and then Nick’s face does The Glaze, the music changes, and we all just shake our heads and sigh. I don’t know why they/Nick force these women to pour out their feelings, only to turn around and be like “You’re going home!”. A nice person would be like, “Hey, guess what – I’m not that into you, let’s just call it” BEFORE the woman starts spouting off about how “open” she is to him (or my favorite, “I can see myself falling in love with you.”)

Nick walks Danielle back to her SUV, where she has to go home and pack her bags (apparently they are short-handed on PAs in Bimini) and face the girls. There was a noticeable lack of sadness about her departure, which made me question how people felt about Danielle, although they kept calling her ‘sweet’ (generally code for ‘boring’).

Next we have the last one on one date, which is with Rachel. Rachel and Nick go to a local’s bar. I think that’s all they did. They literally went to an empty beach bar, drank weirdly wrapped beer bottles (Rachel: “uh… I guess I’ll have … beer?”) and chat about the upcoming hometown dates (Did you know hometowns are next week? Oh you didn’t? You must have not been listening to the 40+ times it was mentioned on the show).  Rachel soothes Nick’s fear of being the only white guy in her home (well, sort of) by telling him she has dated other white men but not brought them home to meet her family. I want to sidebar and point out that Rachel has not hand a SINGLE bad moment on this show, other than quitting that stupid volleyball game. And she’s had a lot of screen time. A really impressive feat/conscious choice by the editors!

Even the “locals bar” is filthy with yachts. 

Finally we get to the inevitable “woman seeks out The Bachelor in his room” scene that happens every year. This year it’s Corrine, which they’ve been hyping for awhile with the “heart is gold, vagine is platinum” line (how many times do you think she has said that IRL? Like is that a go-to line?) She shows up at his hotel room and she suggests they go into his bedroom and she closes the door and they leave their mics on and he says “What did you have in mind?” which I realize was not meant to sound like she’s a prostitute but DEFINITELY came off that way. Then it’s just all awkward breathing and shuffling and then him telling her to take it slow and then her just saying “Oh my god, oh my god” with what sounds like embarrassment and / or horror and then she emerges again from the room, denied by Nick. Just the height of squirmy embarrassment, relieved only by the hilarity of her stalking out of the hotel in her Louboutins and aiming straight for a set of automatic doors, only to bypass them and push her way out the regular door (it was funnier on screen, trust me.).  Watch it here. Seriously.

The end of the show reveals that Nick is just SUPER not into cocktail parties anymore, so he decides to give Kristina the boot privately, at the house. Kristina, super star, is just stone faced (earlier in the episode, Nick is literally tearing up and she’s like “well, you can’t have us all, you have to make a decision” and I’m like “YES, SISTER!”).  She accuses him of not giving her a chance and then he gets all defensive and we’re left with the distinct impression that Kristina won and Nick lost. Which I’m ok with. Kristina and her beautiful teeth and perfect ponytail head back to Kentucky.

Note her body’s instinctive reaction to GTFO. Strangely, the only woman who can immediately read Nick’s preschool primer of a face.

The teaser is that Nick is going to do something shocking next week (there were no previews of hometown dates, not sure if that is standard Bachelor practice or if they’re hinting at something). My theory is that Nick cuts it down to two people, and goes on only two hometown family visits (because why the hell would he want to face four families, all of which would ask ‘Why have you been on this show so many times?”).

On with The Bachelor Power Rankings!

  1. Vanessa – I still think Vanessa makes it to the Top 2, along with Corrine. Even with that little faux dust-up over faux dinner. Vanessa has made it through this show (so far) looking smart, assertive, beautiful and thoughtful. This is…almost impossible to achieve on this franchise.
  2. Corrine – I don’t personally see a long, bright future with Nick and Corrine but she could easily make the top two. Now that they are done painting her as the villain, she’s far more likeable (I mean, don’t get me wrong, she’s 100% not someone I would spend time with, but they are making her seem at least a little less wacky. Or maybe I’m just getting used to it. Oh god.). She also called Raquel her maid for the first time, vs. nanny, as well as her “best friend.” Her hired help is her best friend. That’s so sad.
  3. Raven – I fully admit that I do not ‘get’ Raven. She seems like a perfectly fine, normal woman, but I don’t see a lot of depth. In fairness, this show is heavily edited, but you’d think we’d have seen something between her and Nick if she’s the winner.
  4. Rachel – We know Rachel does not win (and I use that word VERY loosely) this thing because on Monday afternoon, she was inexplicably announced as the next Bachelorette. Or we know if she wins, they’re no longer together. Seems like an incredibly weird time to announce her as the next Bachelorette and thus kill the suspense (esp. considering she was a front runner to win), but who am I to question ABC?


  1. Danielle M. – Always tough to see a strong favorite fizzle. Farewell, Danielle, to you and and your boho fashion.  At least you can leave knowing everyone thought you were ‘so sweet.’
  2. Kristina – Kristina had a really strong episode even though she was kicked off. She’s so blunt and straightforward it’s incredibly refreshing, on a show filled with women who have tripped over themselves to try and gain Nick’s love and affection. Da sveedaneeya, Kristina.

*I did not CONFIRM there was no Kmart on Bimini, rather just hoped.

The Bachelor Power Rankings, Week 6

Clearly the travel budget has shrunk, because there was a mass culling on this week’s episode of The Bachelor.

We start where we left off (sigh), with the obligatory “Taylor’s going to tell Nick that Corrine’s a liar” scene which goes exactly as one would predict: Taylor tells Nick that Corrine is a liar. Nick mumbles something like “thanks” or “I know” or “what’s your name again?” and then Taylor goes home, where I can only assume she’s now having a VERY difficult time being taken seriously as a mental health counselor.

The girls are then all shuttled via a horse-drawn omnibus to a house in New Orleans, where Chris Harrison (who I can only presume goes home every night and rolls around in money, cackling at how he gets paid to routinely utter one line a show, e.g. “Ladies, it’s time.”) announces that there will be no cocktail party because everyone is teetering on the edge of alcohol poisoning. Or because Nick doesn’t want one. I can’t recall which is true.  We say goodbye to Jaimi, Josephine (fist pump!) and Alexis the DolphinShark. We do not say goodbye to Whitney (who has possibly had less dialogue on this show than Chris Harrison).

Everyone is rounded up and told to pack the tiniest swimsuits and jortiest jean shorts they own because they’re headed to St. Thomas in the U.S. Virgin Islands (I mean, seriously, you could pick 20 better Caribbean islands than St. Thomas. There is A FREAKING K-MART ON ST. THOMAS. I know this because I. Have. Been. To It [both the island and the K-Mart])*.

Vanessa, vomiting over Nick’s perpetually bad swimwear choices.

Off they go to meh St. Thomas where they stay at a meh Marriott and go on a bunch of meh dates. The central theme of this episode (other than “not having fun”) was “I have not been on a one on one date with Nick, THUS I DESERVE TO GO ON ONE.” This includes Whitney, Jasmine and Kristina. Jasmine and Whitney complain loudly on camera of not going on a one on one so we immediately know that Kristina will be the one to get it. She packs an extra-large dose of her native Russian pragmatism and they head off to the beach where they make out (shocking) and then go to a dinner where Nick questions her about her history and how she came to America. This is actually the most interesting part of the entire season, and Nick looks legitimately enthralled (by Nick standards) with what she’s saying. She gets the rose (although really, after her story, which includes the phrase “I ate lipstick. Didn’t taste good,” you’d have to be a really mean person to NOT give her the rose).

Next is a group date, where they go hang out at what looks like a shitty public park on a beach and play volleyball (All of them, under duress) and drink (Corrine) and stare sadly out to sea (Rachel, Vanessa and Danielle M.). I mean, I’m not surprised they were all crying by the end of it because boy did it look like a boring date compared to some of the others on this show. Volleyball proved to be too much for these girls and eventually Jasmine pushes Corrine into the sand (we all want to), Rachel quits playing (frankly, not the one I thought would be the quitter), Danielle M. and Vanessa start crying, and Raven just keeps serving to an empty field (guess who gets the group date rose? Raven, the Non Quitter).

If only Taylor had done this to Corrine in the swamp. Now that’s good television. 

All of this is just the appetizer for the evening group cocktail party which is a non-stop barrage of Jasmine talking about how much she likes Nick but how she’s pissed that she has not gotten much time with him. When she finally  gets time with him, she strangles him. Twice. She calls it a ‘chokie.’ This is a true thing that happened on the show. Nick is not amused and sends her home as fast as possible.  Raven is given the rose and it is apparently so uninteresting it does not even make the actual episode cut and is instead mentioned by another girl in VO.

The face of someone who is indifferent to attempted murder.

Finally we have another two on one date with Danielle L. (or “DLo,” a nickname that, come episode 6, is suddenly mentioned 100 times) and Whitney. This is a weird pairing, because DLo has had a fair amount of time with Nick and Whitney has had none. Normally these dates feature two backburners or two people who hate each other. They go to a deserted sandbar (islet? rock?) by helicopter for the sole purpose of Nick telling one girl he’s leaving them on said islet. The date literally consists of: helicopter arrival. Awkward couch time with all three. One on one time with Whit. One on one time with Danielle. Nick saying “I’ll be right back” and running over to Whit to tell her she’s headed back to Minnesota. Helicopter departs with Danielle and Nick. Whitney is abandoned on islet to be pick up by a passing fisherman or similar (Although enjoy the alternate universe where she begins her own colony and rules it as a sovereign islet nation of yoga devotees).

Then we get to what is just the most awful, awkward part of an already exceedingly depressing episode, where Nick and DLo sit down to a pretend dinner and she proceeds to tell him how much she likes him and his face just glazes over into what is clearly a “I’m about to send you home” look but somehow she does not see it and oh my god then she’s suddenly telling him she’s falling in love with him and I am screaming “WOMAN, DO YOU NOT SEE HIS FACE RIGHT NOW??”. It was awkward. Kudos to her for keeping a really nice, straight face when he gave her the boot though.

The show ends with Nick busting in on the remaining girls (most of which have little to no makeup on, which gives me great, great joy) and crying and telling them basically that he’s not sure he’s actually going to find love on this show (can’t fathom why he would think that after three tries) and then he just walks out. Very classic “I’m miserable so YOU must be made to feel miserable, too” approach from Nick.

WILL HE COME BACK? (Answer, yes, because this is The Bachelor and they have like, five more episodes to fill).

On with The Bachelor Power Rankings!

  1. Vanessa (+ 1 spot) – Vanessa has been sort of in the background over the last few weeks but sometimes that’s a good thing.
  2. Rachel (- 1 spot) – Rachel quits the volleyball game and instigates the Great Volleyball Rebellion of 2016. Later she told Nick she’s just not down with all the games and she’s only there for him and I thought it was going OK until he was like “well if you don’t want to be here you shouldn’t be here.” I still think she makes Top 4 though.
  3. Corrine (+1 spot) – Suddenly Corrine seems to be friends with the girls, so maybe it was just Taylor that had problems with her. She continues to drink a lot, sleep a lot and drop gems like “Cats have nine lives and bitches have two.” WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? Raquel 2.0 (Lorna) shows up to be their maid (that’s what it is, people. A maid.) and Corrine’s eyes light up like it’s Christmas because YAY THE SERVANT IS HERE! And I’m just sinking below the cushions of the couch because This. Is. So. Wrong.
  4. Raven (+ 1 spot) – I’m just begrudgenly beginning to like Raven, which probably means she’s about to get the ax. Nick seems to be kind of into her small town ingénue thing. They don’t really seem to have any chemistry but oh well.
  5. Kristina (+ 1 spot) – Giving her a bump for sharing her family history on national TV, which she really did NOT seem like she wanted to do. Also, when asked about her birth mother, she bluntly says “She’s dead.” Which is just SO not the way things are done on these dates so applause to Kristina for not sugar coating everything in life. Also, fantastic teeth.
  6. Danielle M. (- 2 spots) – All I could focus on was how different Danielle looked in this episode. Different hairstyle? Even less makeup? She also had a lot of “crying on the beach” scenes during the volleyball game and I’m just at the point where I’m giving up on this early front runner (although she still could make it to Top 4).

Somehow of the six remaining, two of them were in my original Final Four (Kristina and Danielle M.). Neither of which are winning it.

Five of these six girls were in my bottom five last week, and all went home this week (patting self on back):

  1. Jaimi – In honor of her going home, I’m finally spelling her name correctly.
  2. Josephine – You may have won some battles, Josephine, but I won the war.
  3. Alexis the DolphinShark – Back to New Jersey to pursue her career as a DolphinShark trainer.
  4. Jasmine G. – It’s possible that if we didn’t have the Corrine Show, we’d have had the Jasmine Show. Because that lady is INTENSE.
  5. Whitney – No longer will Bill be able to turn to me and say “Who?”
  6. Danielle L. – Apparently publicly dancing on a stage in front of a crowd (twice) is not the foundation to a solid romance.

* Google has informed me there are TWO K-Marts on St. Thomas.

I’m sad to say I missed this in the telecast. 


The Bachelor Power Rankings, Week 5

This episode is really all about the bantamweight card of Corrine v. Taylor. In one corner, we have Crazy, Drunk Corrine (whose lack of self awareness is just off the charts), and in the other we have I Have A God Damned Masters Degree Taylor. But we have to save that bout until the end.

The show kicked off with a rose ceremony where they all looked like extras on the set of Titanic – vaguely blue tinged and engulfed by clouds of dewy breath. After the dismissal of Sarah (whose Wounded Soul expression was one for the ages) and Astrid the Well Endowed, the girls found out (SHRIEK!) they were going to New Orleans (they were just really excited to GTFO of Wisconsin). This is the perfect city for The Bachelor: a culture of booze, boobs and peacocking, for a show about booze, boobs and peacocking (oh, sorry, and LOVE).

This is the week of the dreaded two-on-one date, where one person gets sent packing and one gets to stick around for a few more episodes. There was no way on god’s green earth this two-on-one date would be anyone but Corrine and Taylor (who had a magnificent Resting Bitch Face for THE ENTIRE SHOW, including at the top when she got chosen at the Rose Ceremony).

“Well, I guess this is what my life has come to.”

First up was a one on one date with Rachel, where we were briefly reminded that this show is TECHNICALLY supposed to be about finding love. They’re actually pretty cute together (although Rachel could do so much better) and seemed pretty legit into their date.  We also find out Rachel’s dad is a federal judge, and since Nick basically said he was nervous about meeting her father, we can assume she’s going to make it to the Top 4.

The next date was a group date, with everyone but Rachel, Corrine and Taylor. They went to a plantation (you know, a place where 150 years ago, an entire race of people were routinely and legally enslaved and forced to do hard labor without getting paid? Hot date spot).  Apparently no one had a problem with this, and instead they all just giggled their way through the “haunted” plantation in search of some child named May, who died there and still likes to cruise around knocking over dishes and dropping chandeliers and shit. I was not buying into this although the girls seemed to enjoy it (Raven even said she was going to invoke Jesus Christ if she saw a ghost, and boy was I looking forward to a scene where she just screamed “THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU”).  This date was pretty horrifying, but for all the wrong reasons (and frankly, the ham-handed fake scares were just insulting to all of our intelligence).

Next up was the main event, Corrine vs. Taylor. The showdown took place IN THE FUCKING SWAMP which was pretty amazing. Sadly there were no airboats (just regular boats) but there was some voodoo magic and snakes and apparently a lot of insects that loved Corrine (they had no interest in Taylor, who possibly just has ice water in her veins).  The producers handed a tarot card reader some background on Corrine and Taylor and she “read” their cards which SHOCKINGLY hinted at the EXACT. SAME SITUATION. THEY. ARE. IN. Taylor went first and just iced the tarot lady out like a god damn champ (education over magic). Corrine went second and just vaguely nodded and then asked about making a voodoo doll (Tarot lady seemed all too happy to oblige – and while I did not catch this, apparently the voodoo doll looks like Corrine, not Taylor, BWHAHAHAHAHA).

Then in the most unsurprising choice ever, Nick chose Boobs over Brains and Taylor got up and walked away about ten feet, then came back to sulk in a chair until night fell, and then took off her shoes and EMBRACED THE VOODOO LIFESTYLE (ok, she let people touch her with burning sage and water – close enough).

Apparently the thought of confronting Corrine and Nick after this voodoo bath is enough to make Taylor crack a smile. 

This entire date was a 2.0 of Chad on The Bachelorette, from the woodsy setting, to the “I need to tell you something about Taylor/Chad” to the “leave the person on the banks of a river” and hopefully they don’t get eaten by a bear/razorback exit.

The episode ends with Taylor claiming she’s going to go tell Nick about Corrine, and shots of her stalking down the streets of New Orleans. I lost interest when they didn’t have her just rise out of the swamp in front of Corrine and Nick and tip their boat over into alligator infested waters (So. Much. Better).

On with The Bachelor Power Rankings!

  1. Rachel (+ 1 spot) – Rachel gets the top spot because Rachel went on a normal date with Nick and they actually seemed like a couple (a revolutionary statement on this show).
  2. Vanessa (- 1 spot) – Very little Vanessa time this week, but she’s still a front runner.
  3. Danielle M. (+ 2 spots) – Danielle of the Dead Fiancé got a rose this week on the group date, but I actually don’t think the two of them have much chemistry. Also, she seems better on paper. Whenever she’s on screen with Nick it’s just… boring and meh.
  4. Corrine (- 1 spot) – This episode didn’t have quite as much of the Corrineisms that we have come to know and love, but it was a really great reminder of a few things – 1, she’s drunk AF in a lot of her producer interviews; 2 – she looks like an actual child at times, 3 – she’s better at manipulation than I originally gave her credit for. Bill asked me if she’s better or worse than Courtney (who was not only the Villain on Ben’s season, but won). I considered Courtney to be way better at the game than Corrine, but I’m discovering Corrine is incredibly good at acting normal around Nick and then going bonkers when she’s not around him. Just imagine Nick watching this cut of the show, with Corrine sitting next to him on a couch. It’s DELIGHTFUL.

    “SWAT SWAT!”
  5. Danielle L. (+ 2 spots) – After a poor showing in Wisconsin, Danielle L. got her shit together, and judging by their time on the plantation park bench, Nick is still super into her, at least physically.
  6. Raven (- 2 spots) – Raven told Nick she was falling in love with him and we all just were like, “Wait, what?” (including Nick).
  7. Kristina (No Change) – The only time I recall seeing Kristina is when she pointed out that both Taylor and Corrine should go home because they’re both acting like babies (Russian pragmatism).
  8. Alexis the DolphinShark (No change) –  According to Rodger Sherman, Alexis was chased around by Nick wearing a Nic Cage mask. I have no recollection of this. Is my DVR serving up an edited version of this show? I also don’t recall her saying Nic Cage is one of her biggest fears, on last week’s show. WHAT IS HAPPENING?
  9. Jami (No change)– We find out Jami lives in New Orleans and is excited to show Nick her city and then she literally spends no time with Nick.
  10. Jasmine G. (No change) – Jasmine gets points for resisting the ghost story. Jasmine then loses points for later buying into the ghost story (although we can probably just blame the booze).
  11. Whitney (no change)- Bill, when her name was called at the Rose Ceremony: “Who?”
  12. Josephine (no change) – I can’t even.

These girls went home:

  1. Sarah – She’s 25 and had some sort of crying “I JUST WANT TO FIND LOVE” moment after getting kicked off, which, by doing so on national TV, feels detrimental to her finding love.
  2. AstridJust super blasé when she exited the barn with sort of a vague half hug for Nick. No longer around to make me say “Wait, is that Astrid or Whitney?”
  3. Taylor – Technically Taylor got kicked off this week, but she is back next week to RAIN HELL DOWN UPON CORRINE AND NICK (or, more likely, just to keep banging the same Corrine is Crazy drum that no matter how hard she bangs it, Nick isn’t going to hear). I actually like Taylor and think she’s probably pretty normal, if maybe a bit hardened compared to most of the girls. But I’m THRILLED we will never have to hear the phrase “emotional intelligence” again.
Two People Experiencing the Most Awkward Moment of their Lives, Plus Corrine.

The Bachelor (aka The Corrine Show) Power Rankings, Week 4

If you are a fan of crazy, and you are not yet watching The Bachelor, I encourage you to stop reading this, crank up OnDemand and start catching up. Because the crazy detector just pegged to Certifiably Bonkers.

This was actually, subtly, a pretty great episode (e.g. Danielle L’s hellscape of a date- boring on the surface but really terrible if you break it down), but the most important part of it was the Insanity That Is Corrine, who continues to dominate the show. I would put money on Corrine having more on air minutes than Nick, at this point. I don’t think there is a person watching right now who actually cares about who Nick ends up with (much less cares about Nick). ALL WE WANT IS MORE CORRINE.

The show kicked off with, well… two people getting kicked off: Christen and Brittany (I’m down to TWO Final Four teams, Danielle M. and Kristina).  Then Chris Harrison told a room full of women they were going on a trip to… WISCONSIN! CUE THE FAKEST SQUEALS OF EXCITEMENT EVER! Seriously, what I would not give to have had a camera trained on every one of those girls’ faces when Chris said “Wisconsin”, just to capture their collective brief but intense looks of despair.  (apparently they were supposed to go to Kiawah Island, SC, a place that I treasure, but a pesky hurricane/tropical storm threw that plan off which, aside from the effect it had on the Charleston community, I AM REALLY HAPPY it arrived in time to keep the Bachelor off-island).

They spent a miserable week in Cheese Country, doing the following: going on REALLY boring townie dates (Danielle L), “accidentally” “running into” Nick’s ex-girlfriend (again, Danielle L.), milking cows (Jami), playing youth soccer with what looked like a team of runty 8 year olds and one 11 year old (Raven), desecrating an art museum (again, Raven) and… oh yeah, shoveling loads of cow shit (literally everyone except Corrine).  I think that captures it all.

On with The Bachelor Power Rankings!

  1. Vanessa (No Change) – Vanessa’s screen time was brief this week, other than a reboot of last week’s “Why the fuck were you making out with Corrine in a bouncy house?” interrogation, but she’s still the leader of the pack (in terms of People Nick is Probably Genuinely Interested In, During Those Brief Moments He Is Considering Marriage).
  2. Rachel (+ 2 spots) – Rachel was also barely on screen, but jumped up two spots based on the three minutes of interaction we saw with Nick, where he assured her she was safe and that he was really into her. We don’t see these frontrunners much because Corrine is sucking all of the oxygen out of the room, which is fine for now, because WE ARE GOING TO MISS HER WHEN SHE IS GONE.
  3. Corrine (+ 2 spots) – Every time you think you’ve seen Peak Corrine, you realize you’re only at the base camp. There is so much Corrine to go through in this episode, but we’ll begin with her strange obsession with the word “poopy” (this nanny thing is making more and more sense every episode. She really is like a child). She is not a fan of the dairy farm. I think she may not have realized such a thing even existed, prior to showing up at one. Part of the date involves them scooping a gelatinous pile of cow shit, which Corrine refused to do (I mean, who the fuck WANTS to do that? No one.). She claimed it was because her hands were numb and she almost had to go to the hospital. I know this show. If there was an ‘almost had to go to the hospital’ incident we’d have seen gratuitous ambulance and flashing lights shots FOR WEEKS.  Also, as most people know, if your circulation is poor and it’s cold, it’s better to do vigorous activity, to get your blood flowing. Not sit on a rock observing other people work.  In her interview packages, she talks incessantly about “poopy.” All the moms watching with their giant wines probably just turned off the TV at that point (“THIS SHOW IS SUPPOSED TO BE A BREAK FROM THE POOPY!!!”). Later at the ‘let’s hang out in evening gowns in an unheated barn’ part of the date, Corrine gets into it with multiple women. I don’t even care about this. I care about the fact that in her interview she grabbed her boobs, pushed them together and repeatedly lifted/shook them, while snarling “DOES THIS SEEM IMMATURE??” (or something like that, I don’t have time to read the transcripts).  She also compared herself to Michael Jordan and Abraham Lincoln (all three of them nap!) and told the world she wouldn’t even allow Raquel to scoop shit (clearly forgetting that Raquel does scoop “shit,” every day, as Corrine’s nanny).  Oh and she also called her nap a “panic attack” which if that’s what panic attacks are like, SIGN ME UP.

    Corrine’s go-to move to demonstrate her maturity.
  4. Raven (+ 6 spots) – Out of nowhere, Raven got singled out for a one on one date with Nick, where she met both his sister and his parents (his mom is… edgy, for a Wisconsin mom who has 11 kids [I literally did not know people have 11 kids anymore, I thought that went away with the invention of the steam engine and… birth control]). Nick seems pretty into Raven, although I find her… unfaceted. Then, over dinner at the Milwaukee Museum of Art, she tells this INSANE story of how she literally walked in (sorry, “kicked in a locked door”) on her boyfriend having sex with another woman and drops these dinner conversation gems: “I saw her vagina” and “He was like, thrusting into her.” Do we think this really happened? SHE KICKED IN A LOCKED DOOR? Do people do that outside of movies? I have so. Many. Questions.

    I am still not convinced this woman had 11 kids. At one point she is wearing a BEANIE over that hair. Like a Hipster Super Mom! I LOVE IT!
  5. Danielle M. (- 1 spot) – I don’t even remember Danielle being in this episode, other than the fact she had a really weird dress on at the Rose Ceremony and possibly sat in a bathtub with Taylor. But I still think she goes far once we wean out Crazy Town.
  6. Danielle L. (- 4 spots) – Last week Danielle skyrocketed to the top of the pack, because it seemed Nick could not keep his hands off of her. This week she got a one on one date that consisted of him showing her a bunch of spots in his hometown, which sounds fine until you delve into it. First, they decorated cookies at a bakery where the woman working gave off the Best Performance of Someone Who Clearly Does Not Want to Be Doing This.  She audibly sighed when they walked in. They decorated cookies with their faces on them, and then they made the cookie faces make out, like Barbie and Ken when you’re 7 years old, and I just lifted up the couch cushions and CRAWLED UNDER THEM BECAUSE WHAT THE FUCK.  After that they sat in a field in the rain (awful), ran into an ex-girlfriend in the most obvious producer plant in the history of the show (awful), went to a really loud bar/restaurant and talked about divorce (awful). And then to top it off, went to a concert and had to dance and makeout on stage (ALL CAPS AWFUL). AGAIN. FOR THE SECOND WEEK IN A ROW. Bad week for Danielle L.  Also, bad week for whomever was performing at that show because I don’t think ANYONE had a clue who he was.

    “Oh thank god Nick is here, we have no clue who this guy singing is!!!” – The crowd, collectively.
  7. Kristina (+ 5 spots) – Out of nowhere, Kristina got a date rose from Nick, for the cow shit date. It doesn’t matter. What does matter is Kristina confronted Corrine in a non-aggressive, logical manner, which frustrated Corrine to the point she just physically turned away and presented her back to Kristina, like a five year old.
  8. Taylor (- 2 spots) – Taylor is the classic contestant that you want to like (smart, pretty, swears a lot) but just cannot play the game right. She has a fireside chat (literally) with Corrine and opens up her Mental Health 101 textbook and just starts unloading on Corrine’s lack of emotional intelligence, which I can assure you Drunk Corrine (or Sober Corrine) is not interested in. Taylor is 100% going home next week.
  9. Astrid (- 2 spots) – Not much of Astrid this week.
  10. Alexis the DolphinShark (- 1 spot) – Also, not much of Alexis this week.
  11. Jami (+5 spots)– Jami sat down and milked a cow, when Nick couldn’t. I’ll just let you all interpret that as you will. Also, she had her hair straightened for part of the show and it looked really good (but probably a lot of work, so I totally approve of her going back to her curly hair because let’s be real, Nick is not worth the straightening iron).
  12. Jasmine G. (- 1 spot) – The best part about Jasmine was her admittedly false enthusiasm for working on a dairy farm. “Hey, if he wants me to come out here and milk cows and scoop up poop, I’m going to act like I’m having a GREAT TIME doing it.” I really like Jasmine, although I don’t see her sticking around much longer.
  13. Sarah (no change)- Sarah also tries to confront Corrine about how she’s not ready or mature enough to marry Nick. This is a common trope on the Bachelor. The irony here as that the people accusing Corrine of not being ready to marry are the same age (or younger) than her, although they do all seem far more mature. Possibly because they do not have nannies.
  14. Whitney (no change)- She’s still here. Again, basically never seen her talk to Nick.
  15. Josephine (no change) – In a desperate bid for more screen time, Josephine tells Corrine that she thinks Taylor is a bitch for attacking her. She’s also sleeping on the couch when Kristina has it out with Corrine and just sort of pops up like a jack in the box at the end, which I enjoyed immensely.

These girls went home:

  1. Christen The embarrassment of going home before Josephine is something she has to live with FOREVER.
  2. BrittanyBrittany was just too normal for this show and blended into the crowd. Back to travel nursing, whatever that is.
Christen, showing you the right way to exit The Bachelor. 

For a funny recap of the actual content of the episode, check out this Yahoo recap which is pretty legit and FILLED with great screen grabs, gifs, etc.