The Bachelor Power Rankings, Week 5

This episode is really all about the bantamweight card of Corrine v. Taylor. In one corner, we have Crazy, Drunk Corrine (whose lack of self awareness is just off the charts), and in the other we have I Have A God Damned Masters Degree Taylor. But we have to save that bout until the end.

The show kicked off with a rose ceremony where they all looked like extras on the set of Titanic – vaguely blue tinged and engulfed by clouds of dewy breath. After the dismissal of Sarah (whose Wounded Soul expression was one for the ages) and Astrid the Well Endowed, the girls found out (SHRIEK!) they were going to New Orleans (they were just really excited to GTFO of Wisconsin). This is the perfect city for The Bachelor: a culture of booze, boobs and peacocking, for a show about booze, boobs and peacocking (oh, sorry, and LOVE).

This is the week of the dreaded two-on-one date, where one person gets sent packing and one gets to stick around for a few more episodes. There was no way on god’s green earth this two-on-one date would be anyone but Corrine and Taylor (who had a magnificent Resting Bitch Face for THE ENTIRE SHOW, including at the top when she got chosen at the Rose Ceremony).

taylorroseceremony
“Well, I guess this is what my life has come to.”

First up was a one on one date with Rachel, where we were briefly reminded that this show is TECHNICALLY supposed to be about finding love. They’re actually pretty cute together (although Rachel could do so much better) and seemed pretty legit into their date.  We also find out Rachel’s dad is a federal judge, and since Nick basically said he was nervous about meeting her father, we can assume she’s going to make it to the Top 4.

The next date was a group date, with everyone but Rachel, Corrine and Taylor. They went to a plantation (you know, a place where 150 years ago, an entire race of people were routinely and legally enslaved and forced to do hard labor without getting paid? Hot date spot).  Apparently no one had a problem with this, and instead they all just giggled their way through the “haunted” plantation in search of some child named May, who died there and still likes to cruise around knocking over dishes and dropping chandeliers and shit. I was not buying into this although the girls seemed to enjoy it (Raven even said she was going to invoke Jesus Christ if she saw a ghost, and boy was I looking forward to a scene where she just screamed “THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU”).  This date was pretty horrifying, but for all the wrong reasons (and frankly, the ham-handed fake scares were just insulting to all of our intelligence).

Next up was the main event, Corrine vs. Taylor. The showdown took place IN THE FUCKING SWAMP which was pretty amazing. Sadly there were no airboats (just regular boats) but there was some voodoo magic and snakes and apparently a lot of insects that loved Corrine (they had no interest in Taylor, who possibly just has ice water in her veins).  The producers handed a tarot card reader some background on Corrine and Taylor and she “read” their cards which SHOCKINGLY hinted at the EXACT. SAME SITUATION. THEY. ARE. IN. Taylor went first and just iced the tarot lady out like a god damn champ (education over magic). Corrine went second and just vaguely nodded and then asked about making a voodoo doll (Tarot lady seemed all too happy to oblige – and while I did not catch this, apparently the voodoo doll looks like Corrine, not Taylor, BWHAHAHAHAHA).

Then in the most unsurprising choice ever, Nick chose Boobs over Brains and Taylor got up and walked away about ten feet, then came back to sulk in a chair until night fell, and then took off her shoes and EMBRACED THE VOODOO LIFESTYLE (ok, she let people touch her with burning sage and water – close enough).

finally-smiling
Apparently the thought of confronting Corrine and Nick after this voodoo bath is enough to make Taylor crack a smile. 

This entire date was a 2.0 of Chad on The Bachelorette, from the woodsy setting, to the “I need to tell you something about Taylor/Chad” to the “leave the person on the banks of a river” and hopefully they don’t get eaten by a bear/razorback exit.

The episode ends with Taylor claiming she’s going to go tell Nick about Corrine, and shots of her stalking down the streets of New Orleans. I lost interest when they didn’t have her just rise out of the swamp in front of Corrine and Nick and tip their boat over into alligator infested waters (So. Much. Better).

On with The Bachelor Power Rankings!

  1. Rachel (+ 1 spot) – Rachel gets the top spot because Rachel went on a normal date with Nick and they actually seemed like a couple (a revolutionary statement on this show).
  2. Vanessa (- 1 spot) – Very little Vanessa time this week, but she’s still a front runner.
  3. Danielle M. (+ 2 spots) – Danielle of the Dead Fiancé got a rose this week on the group date, but I actually don’t think the two of them have much chemistry. Also, she seems better on paper. Whenever she’s on screen with Nick it’s just… boring and meh.
  4. Corrine (- 1 spot) – This episode didn’t have quite as much of the Corrineisms that we have come to know and love, but it was a really great reminder of a few things – 1, she’s drunk AF in a lot of her producer interviews; 2 – she looks like an actual child at times, 3 – she’s better at manipulation than I originally gave her credit for. Bill asked me if she’s better or worse than Courtney (who was not only the Villain on Ben’s season, but won). I considered Courtney to be way better at the game than Corrine, but I’m discovering Corrine is incredibly good at acting normal around Nick and then going bonkers when she’s not around him. Just imagine Nick watching this cut of the show, with Corrine sitting next to him on a couch. It’s DELIGHTFUL.

    corrine-bugs
    “SWAT SWAT!”
  5. Danielle L. (+ 2 spots) – After a poor showing in Wisconsin, Danielle L. got her shit together, and judging by their time on the plantation park bench, Nick is still super into her, at least physically.
  6. Raven (- 2 spots) – Raven told Nick she was falling in love with him and we all just were like, “Wait, what?” (including Nick).
  7. Kristina (No Change) – The only time I recall seeing Kristina is when she pointed out that both Taylor and Corrine should go home because they’re both acting like babies (Russian pragmatism).
  8. Alexis the DolphinShark (No change) –  According to Rodger Sherman, Alexis was chased around by Nick wearing a Nic Cage mask. I have no recollection of this. Is my DVR serving up an edited version of this show? I also don’t recall her saying Nic Cage is one of her biggest fears, on last week’s show. WHAT IS HAPPENING?
  9. Jami (No change)– We find out Jami lives in New Orleans and is excited to show Nick her city and then she literally spends no time with Nick.
  10. Jasmine G. (No change) – Jasmine gets points for resisting the ghost story. Jasmine then loses points for later buying into the ghost story (although we can probably just blame the booze).
  11. Whitney (no change)- Bill, when her name was called at the Rose Ceremony: “Who?”
  12. Josephine (no change) – I can’t even.

These girls went home:

  1. Sarah – She’s 25 and had some sort of crying “I JUST WANT TO FIND LOVE” moment after getting kicked off, which, by doing so on national TV, feels detrimental to her finding love.
  2. AstridJust super blasé when she exited the barn with sort of a vague half hug for Nick. No longer around to make me say “Wait, is that Astrid or Whitney?”
  3. Taylor – Technically Taylor got kicked off this week, but she is back next week to RAIN HELL DOWN UPON CORRINE AND NICK (or, more likely, just to keep banging the same Corrine is Crazy drum that no matter how hard she bangs it, Nick isn’t going to hear). I actually like Taylor and think she’s probably pretty normal, if maybe a bit hardened compared to most of the girls. But I’m THRILLED we will never have to hear the phrase “emotional intelligence” again.
tableread
Two People Experiencing the Most Awkward Moment of their Lives, Plus Corrine.
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The Bachelor (aka The Corrine Show) Power Rankings, Week 4

If you are a fan of crazy, and you are not yet watching The Bachelor, I encourage you to stop reading this, crank up OnDemand and start catching up. Because the crazy detector just pegged to Certifiably Bonkers.

This was actually, subtly, a pretty great episode (e.g. Danielle L’s hellscape of a date- boring on the surface but really terrible if you break it down), but the most important part of it was the Insanity That Is Corrine, who continues to dominate the show. I would put money on Corrine having more on air minutes than Nick, at this point. I don’t think there is a person watching right now who actually cares about who Nick ends up with (much less cares about Nick). ALL WE WANT IS MORE CORRINE.

The show kicked off with, well… two people getting kicked off: Christen and Brittany (I’m down to TWO Final Four teams, Danielle M. and Kristina).  Then Chris Harrison told a room full of women they were going on a trip to… WISCONSIN! CUE THE FAKEST SQUEALS OF EXCITEMENT EVER! Seriously, what I would not give to have had a camera trained on every one of those girls’ faces when Chris said “Wisconsin”, just to capture their collective brief but intense looks of despair.  (apparently they were supposed to go to Kiawah Island, SC, a place that I treasure, but a pesky hurricane/tropical storm threw that plan off which, aside from the effect it had on the Charleston community, I AM REALLY HAPPY it arrived in time to keep the Bachelor off-island).

They spent a miserable week in Cheese Country, doing the following: going on REALLY boring townie dates (Danielle L), “accidentally” “running into” Nick’s ex-girlfriend (again, Danielle L.), milking cows (Jami), playing youth soccer with what looked like a team of runty 8 year olds and one 11 year old (Raven), desecrating an art museum (again, Raven) and… oh yeah, shoveling loads of cow shit (literally everyone except Corrine).  I think that captures it all.

On with The Bachelor Power Rankings!

  1. Vanessa (No Change) – Vanessa’s screen time was brief this week, other than a reboot of last week’s “Why the fuck were you making out with Corrine in a bouncy house?” interrogation, but she’s still the leader of the pack (in terms of People Nick is Probably Genuinely Interested In, During Those Brief Moments He Is Considering Marriage).
  2. Rachel (+ 2 spots) – Rachel was also barely on screen, but jumped up two spots based on the three minutes of interaction we saw with Nick, where he assured her she was safe and that he was really into her. We don’t see these frontrunners much because Corrine is sucking all of the oxygen out of the room, which is fine for now, because WE ARE GOING TO MISS HER WHEN SHE IS GONE.
  3. Corrine (+ 2 spots) – Every time you think you’ve seen Peak Corrine, you realize you’re only at the base camp. There is so much Corrine to go through in this episode, but we’ll begin with her strange obsession with the word “poopy” (this nanny thing is making more and more sense every episode. She really is like a child). She is not a fan of the dairy farm. I think she may not have realized such a thing even existed, prior to showing up at one. Part of the date involves them scooping a gelatinous pile of cow shit, which Corrine refused to do (I mean, who the fuck WANTS to do that? No one.). She claimed it was because her hands were numb and she almost had to go to the hospital. I know this show. If there was an ‘almost had to go to the hospital’ incident we’d have seen gratuitous ambulance and flashing lights shots FOR WEEKS.  Also, as most people know, if your circulation is poor and it’s cold, it’s better to do vigorous activity, to get your blood flowing. Not sit on a rock observing other people work.  In her interview packages, she talks incessantly about “poopy.” All the moms watching with their giant wines probably just turned off the TV at that point (“THIS SHOW IS SUPPOSED TO BE A BREAK FROM THE POOPY!!!”). Later at the ‘let’s hang out in evening gowns in an unheated barn’ part of the date, Corrine gets into it with multiple women. I don’t even care about this. I care about the fact that in her interview she grabbed her boobs, pushed them together and repeatedly lifted/shook them, while snarling “DOES THIS SEEM IMMATURE??” (or something like that, I don’t have time to read the transcripts).  She also compared herself to Michael Jordan and Abraham Lincoln (all three of them nap!) and told the world she wouldn’t even allow Raquel to scoop shit (clearly forgetting that Raquel does scoop “shit,” every day, as Corrine’s nanny).  Oh and she also called her nap a “panic attack” which if that’s what panic attacks are like, SIGN ME UP.

    corrine-grab
    Corrine’s go-to move to demonstrate her maturity.
  4. Raven (+ 6 spots) – Out of nowhere, Raven got singled out for a one on one date with Nick, where she met both his sister and his parents (his mom is… edgy, for a Wisconsin mom who has 11 kids [I literally did not know people have 11 kids anymore, I thought that went away with the invention of the steam engine and… birth control]). Nick seems pretty into Raven, although I find her… unfaceted. Then, over dinner at the Milwaukee Museum of Art, she tells this INSANE story of how she literally walked in (sorry, “kicked in a locked door”) on her boyfriend having sex with another woman and drops these dinner conversation gems: “I saw her vagina” and “He was like, thrusting into her.” Do we think this really happened? SHE KICKED IN A LOCKED DOOR? Do people do that outside of movies? I have so. Many. Questions.

    parents
    I am still not convinced this woman had 11 kids. At one point she is wearing a BEANIE over that hair. Like a Hipster Super Mom! I LOVE IT!
  5. Danielle M. (- 1 spot) – I don’t even remember Danielle being in this episode, other than the fact she had a really weird dress on at the Rose Ceremony and possibly sat in a bathtub with Taylor. But I still think she goes far once we wean out Crazy Town.
  6. Danielle L. (- 4 spots) – Last week Danielle skyrocketed to the top of the pack, because it seemed Nick could not keep his hands off of her. This week she got a one on one date that consisted of him showing her a bunch of spots in his hometown, which sounds fine until you delve into it. First, they decorated cookies at a bakery where the woman working gave off the Best Performance of Someone Who Clearly Does Not Want to Be Doing This.  She audibly sighed when they walked in. They decorated cookies with their faces on them, and then they made the cookie faces make out, like Barbie and Ken when you’re 7 years old, and I just lifted up the couch cushions and CRAWLED UNDER THEM BECAUSE WHAT THE FUCK.  After that they sat in a field in the rain (awful), ran into an ex-girlfriend in the most obvious producer plant in the history of the show (awful), went to a really loud bar/restaurant and talked about divorce (awful). And then to top it off, went to a concert and had to dance and makeout on stage (ALL CAPS AWFUL). AGAIN. FOR THE SECOND WEEK IN A ROW. Bad week for Danielle L.  Also, bad week for whomever was performing at that show because I don’t think ANYONE had a clue who he was.

    nick-high-five
    “Oh thank god Nick is here, we have no clue who this guy singing is!!!” – The crowd, collectively.
  7. Kristina (+ 5 spots) – Out of nowhere, Kristina got a date rose from Nick, for the cow shit date. It doesn’t matter. What does matter is Kristina confronted Corrine in a non-aggressive, logical manner, which frustrated Corrine to the point she just physically turned away and presented her back to Kristina, like a five year old.
  8. Taylor (- 2 spots) – Taylor is the classic contestant that you want to like (smart, pretty, swears a lot) but just cannot play the game right. She has a fireside chat (literally) with Corrine and opens up her Mental Health 101 textbook and just starts unloading on Corrine’s lack of emotional intelligence, which I can assure you Drunk Corrine (or Sober Corrine) is not interested in. Taylor is 100% going home next week.
  9. Astrid (- 2 spots) – Not much of Astrid this week.
  10. Alexis the DolphinShark (- 1 spot) – Also, not much of Alexis this week.
  11. Jami (+5 spots)– Jami sat down and milked a cow, when Nick couldn’t. I’ll just let you all interpret that as you will. Also, she had her hair straightened for part of the show and it looked really good (but probably a lot of work, so I totally approve of her going back to her curly hair because let’s be real, Nick is not worth the straightening iron).
  12. Jasmine G. (- 1 spot) – The best part about Jasmine was her admittedly false enthusiasm for working on a dairy farm. “Hey, if he wants me to come out here and milk cows and scoop up poop, I’m going to act like I’m having a GREAT TIME doing it.” I really like Jasmine, although I don’t see her sticking around much longer.
  13. Sarah (no change)- Sarah also tries to confront Corrine about how she’s not ready or mature enough to marry Nick. This is a common trope on the Bachelor. The irony here as that the people accusing Corrine of not being ready to marry are the same age (or younger) than her, although they do all seem far more mature. Possibly because they do not have nannies.
  14. Whitney (no change)- She’s still here. Again, basically never seen her talk to Nick.
  15. Josephine (no change) – In a desperate bid for more screen time, Josephine tells Corrine that she thinks Taylor is a bitch for attacking her. She’s also sleeping on the couch when Kristina has it out with Corrine and just sort of pops up like a jack in the box at the end, which I enjoyed immensely.

These girls went home:

  1. Christen The embarrassment of going home before Josephine is something she has to live with FOREVER.
  2. BrittanyBrittany was just too normal for this show and blended into the crowd. Back to travel nursing, whatever that is.
christenshade
Christen, showing you the right way to exit The Bachelor. 

For a funny recap of the actual content of the episode, check out this Yahoo recap which is pretty legit and FILLED with great screen grabs, gifs, etc.

The Bachelor Power Rankings: Week 3

Good news: Three of my pre-show Final Four are still in the tournament. Bad news: This week’s episode was decidedly boring compared to last week. However, Corrine did try to woo Nick with that old ‘I’m naked under this trench coat!” trick (and got SHUT DOWN). This begs the question – did she bring that trench coat with her? Did she buy it on AmazonPrime? Did she ask the producers for it? Just seems like a really weird piece of clothing to bring to The Bachelor. I mean, it didn’t even look like a nice trench coat.

Corrine also told the other women she has a nanny (named Raquel, which is not a nanny name. Raquel is a super model name.). When she told them she had a nanny, Jasmine asked her if she has kids, which is, you know an appropriate, logical question. These are the reasons that Corrine needs a nanny (according to Corrine): she makes her bed, slices her cucumbers (does she only eat cucumbers? Cucumbers have come up twice in three episodes), does her laundry and makes cheese pasta. Most people would call this person a maid, or, if they want to sound busy and professional, a personal assistant. Not Corrine.  Corrine has a nanny.

On with The Bachelor Power Rankings!

  1. Vanessa (+ 3 Spots) – Already an early favorite, Vanessa jumped into first place by vomiting on her date and then still kissing Nick (to be clear, HE went in for the kiss). This is an incredibly difficult feat to pull off, and shows that Nick legitimately likes her. NO ONE KISSES SOMEONE WHO JUST VOMITED UNLESS THEY REALLY LIKE THEM. Even on TV. Other great things about Vanessa: wears natural make-up and looks great, Pantene commercial level hair, wore a sporty swimsuit at the pool party (a subtle DNGAF move), is Canadian, confronts Nick about how he was “riding” Corrine in the bouncy house. And, FTW, tells Nick she’s not judging CORRINE’s actions, rather his response to her actions. This is a legit power move. This is not how things are done on The Bachelor.
  2. Danielle L. (+ 4 spots) – Danielle L. (not dead fiancé Danielle) made a sold jump in the BPR this week. Nick seems super intent on touching her whenever she is around (a key indicator in Bachelor World), and she won the Backstreet Boys private dance competition, which is something I don’t feel like explaining. (her “prize”: slow dancing on stage with Nick, while the Backstreet Boys sang at them. In front of a few hundred people. Cringe Factor: 8). Danielle L. is not going anywhere soon.
  3. Rachel (- 2 spots) – Rachel, the smart, normal lawyer is still strongly in the game, but had a little less screen time recently. This week she competed in the 100 yard dash against Astrid, who has like, size EE breast implants (not good for running) and Alexis the DolphinShark (who had good closing speed on the dash, to her credit). Rachel smoked them both. She missed the giant engagement ring that she had to grab at the end (a hallmark of the Olympic 100 yard dash, as you know) and turned around to go get it and instead of letting third place Astrid pick it up off the ground, she crushed it with her Nike Flyknits (without any regard for Astrid’s hand, BTW). Rachel doesn’t fuck around.

    bachelor-fave
    Rachel ruining Astrid’s future as a hand model. Aka the Best Moment on The Bachelor Ever. 
  4. Danielle M. (- 2 spots) – We saw nothing of Danielle M. this week, other than her penchant for bohemian swimwear (which works for her). I expect Danielle M. to one day just look around and be like “Wait, where am I?” (Also, the only blonde still on the show, outside of Corrine and Josephine).
  5. Corrine (+ 2 spots) – Corrine continued her approach of Be Bold, Be Naked, and it mostly worked (minus the part where she tried to have sex with him on the front stoop of the mansion, which seems like a first for the show). We found out she likes sleeping and snoring a lot. She’s also at times strangely honest about herself, which I grudgingly respect.
  6. Taylor (+ 3 spots) – Nick seems somewhat impressed by her intelligence, but she’s about to go head to head with Corrine, which seems like one of those abandoned mine fields that you want to avoid at all costs. She also spoke about Corrine’s antics with Nick, which we know always backfires spectacularly on The Bachelor.
  7. Astrid (+ 9 spots) – I clearly misjudged Astrid’s sheer will and bountiful assets. She got a little bit of extra time with Nick this week (in a hot tub, the classic Bachelor set piece) and she was the first woman selected at the Rose Ceremony. The biggest climber in the BPR.
  8. Christen (- 3 spots) – Christen is the one who told Nick that Liz told her she slept with him (did you follow that?). Nick will keep her around because she’s a good source of info, she’s non-threatening and she’s fun.
  9. Alexis the DolphinShark (+ 3 spots) – I don’t see her going all the way, but it seems like Nick enjoys her spunky attitude. And she apparently throws a birthday party for her breast implants. So there’s that.
  10. Raven (- 2 spots)- Raven of Arkansas takes it upon herself to tell Nick that Corrine has a nanny, because Raven thinks Nick really wants to get married, and probably not to both Corrine AND Raquel. I have to admit, I didn’t see Raven as a Disrupter.
  11. Jasmine G. (+ 2 spots) – Last to get picked at the Rose Ceremony (not that it means much). Was so shocked by Corrine’s nanny reveal that she then tripped and fell on her face (girl, I feel you). Not a long term player, but the type of person Producers like to stick around, for drama.
  12. Kristina (+ 9 spots) – The One with The Accent – proved to be a middle of the pack type, who may stick around for a few weeks. I thought she’d be going home, so she got a big boost this week in the BPR.
  13. Sarah (- 2 spots)- All I can say about Sarah is she looks really great in natural lighting, which is hard to do. She was also one of the women crying over Nick having slept with Liz (again, WHY IS THIS A BIG DEAL? DO THEY THINK HE IS A VIRGIN????).
  14. Brittany (no change) – Had a little more screen time this week, and is apparently really sporty. On her group date, we learned Nick ran track in high school and college, which makes it even more insulting that he was wearing a Penguin brand tank top to his Track and Field date. Amateur.
  15. Whitney (no change)- Every time I see Whitney I’m like “wait, who is that? Is that Astrid? No.” and then she disappears. I think we MAYBE saw her speaking with Nick this week. Possibly. Unconfirmed.
  16. Jaimi (-1 spot)– Told Nick that she is bisexual and then on the next date told him “I hope you don’t think I told you I was a lesbian just so you’d keep me around.” Which is… perplexing. For obvious reasons. We learn Jaimi is NOT sporty, although her athleisure wear game belies that fact.
  17. Josephine (no change) – I don’t know why this woman is still on the show.
bachelor-track-and-field
That tank top. 

We (well, Nick) said goodbye to the following ladies over the last two weeks:

Liz (#3): Got the boot for doing a terrible job explaining why she was on the show, and for wearing the worst romper in the history of rompers. Inexplicably painted as “woman who is here for the wrong reasons” on a show that’s entire cast, including Nick, is there to get Reality Star Famous.

Lacey (#10) – My highest ranked (other than Liz) to go home – she fell from #10 to Kicked Off. Finally, cute blondes DON’T get to have all the fun.

Hailey (#17): The oddball Canadian got sent home (somewhat surprisingly) at the rose ceremony. But she went out on a high note, looking pretty fierce in her odd bra-dress.

hailey-dress
Hailey was being as LA as possible, before being sent home to Canada.

Dominique (#18):  There was a minor storyline this week with how little Dominque has interacted with Nick, which led to her wildly accusing him of not giving her a chance (while on a group date), and him unceremoniously telling her to leave. Nick is now 2 for 2 on sending girls home who confront him. DISSENT AND GO HOME.

Elizabeth (#19): She had so little screen time that when she got kicked off I just kept saying “wait, who is that?” Supports my theory that Nick prefers brunettes (he’s gotten rid of a lot of pretty blondes).

For a full (funny) recap of the actual content of the episode, check out Rodger Sherman’s recap on The Ringer.

The Bachelor Recap: Week Two

This week’s episode of The Bachelor hit a 10 on the OMG I Feel So Awkward Watching This Scale. At one point I turned to my husband and told him I was sweating profusely.

The first group date kicked off with a completely absurd themed wedding dress photoshoot (don’t even get me started on the alleged ‘photographer’). Joining us on this first group date were Corrine, Taylor, Vanessa, Brittany, Lacey, Alexis (DolphinShark) and some other girls who clearly aren’t going to stick around long. Brittany was handed a fig leaf bikini bottom to wear for an Adam and Eve Wedding, a wedding that no one has ever had. Just a bottom. No top. Did the producers call her two months ago and tell her to stop eating and start working out eight days a week? She walked out looking like a god damn Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue model (note: at one point she says “but this is like an extra small?” as if she generally just cavorts around in clothes from Lane Bryant).

BRITTANY, NICK VIALL
These people do not know each other. These people are not professional models. If you do not feel uncomfortable looking at this, you are a robot.

 

Most of the girls are supportive of Brittany and Her Fig Leaf. Corrine speed dials her nanny to arrange a hit (well, not really, but her face looked as if she was contemplating it).  Naturally Corrine must one up Brittany, so she takes off her Beach Wedding theme bikini top and asks Nick to cup her boobs (Nick obliges). The rest of the girls gasp and cover their mouths with their hands. I dissolve into a pool of uncomfortable sweat.

According to the “photographer” someone had “special chemistry” with Nick and gets bonus time with him. Spoiler: it’s the one who let him cup her tits.

We then move on to a furniture store (apparently they spent all their production budget on that wedding dress photographer) where the girls drink and hate on Corrine, in classic Bachelor fashion. The key takeaways are this: Corrine is really drunk. Corrine does not understand irony. These women believe Nick will ‘see through Corrine’s fakery.’ These women are delusional.

There is a rose to be had on this group date. Spoiler: it goes to the one who let Nick cup her tits.

Next up, we have the coveted first one-on-one date. Danielle M., one of my pre-season Final Four teams, gets this date. It clearly was pretty boring, because we see almost NONE of it. Rather we are treated to intercuts of Liz, The One Who Already Slept With Nick, telling Christen that, well, she already slept with Nick.  Christen tells Liz she well tell no one, which basically means she’s going to tell someone.

We do get treated to the end of Danielle’s date (the part where they sit at a table and don’t eat) and she tells Nick about her dead fiancée, who died of a drug overdose. For purely factual reasons, I feel compelled to point out that this happened five years ago, and they had been affianced for three months.  As one would guess, Danielle gets the rose at the end of her date. My pre-season Final Four team survives another round!

The second group date is possibly the worst date in the history of this entire franchise – a trip to the Museum of Broken Relationships*. The girls on this date are Liz, Josephine, Christen, Jasmine, Kristina and some other girls that I do not care about. These women must have had some sort of outfit pow wow because 90% of them are wearing rompers, a piece of clothing that is neither functional nor flattering, except on a select few (Liz’s is particularly egregious).

* Is this some sort of fake museum built by the Producers? HOW WOULD THIS THING EVER MAKE ENOUGH MONEY TO STAY IN BUSINESS? WHO THE FLYING FUCK WOULD GO TO THIS PLACE?

During this date, they have to put on a performance piece and fake a break up with Nick. The only one that does a good job is Josephine the Theater Girl. SHE WAS BORN FOR THIS MOMENT.

This is the point where I need to just have an aside about Liz. Liz at time seems normal. She repeatedly tells the producers she “just wants to have a conversation with Nick and see where things are” and “figure out if we have something.”

And then we get Crazy Liz. Crazy Liz reads a story off of her cell phone’s Notes page, about their past experiences coupled with a bizarre fictional break-up wherein she accuses him of not caring enough to get to know her.  At this point I need to go change my shirt and drink a gallon of Gatorade because this is THE MOST AWKWARD THING I HAVE EVER WITNESSED.

Also, Crazy Liz smiles like The Joker.

liz-hair
I’m pretty sure the producers pull Liz straight out of the shower every time they want to tape an interview.

After this hot mess, they all go off to an empty (sorry, “private”) nightclub to drink and talk to Nick. The only important part of this is when he finally talks to Liz. Or talks at Liz. In this scene, Crazy Liz pushes Normal Liz down a stairwell, never to be seen again. Nick realizes that he MUST. GET. RID. OF. LIZ. And tells her to go home. She leaves in her sad, fluttery romper, walking off through a deserted outdoor mall (all the best nightclubs are at malls, don’t you know?).

So goes one of my pre-season Top 4. This is like March Madness, when one of your Final Four teams loses on the first weekend and your bracket is just red-lined all the way to the championship.

At the end of the show, Nick petulantly tells all the girls he slept with Liz. Part of me thinks he got rid of her so that he could own the messaging on this one, like “I slept with her but now she’s gone so it totally is NBD!!!” (which truly, it is NBD). FADE TO BLACK.

Power Rankings will resume after the next Rose Ceremony!

 

Golden Globes 2017: Best and Worst Dressed

The Golden Globes seemed to have gotten tamer and tamer over the years, and this show was no exception. The intro was fun and light-hearted and the kids from Stranger Things owned it (with Kit Harrington turning in a solid second place performance as clueless guy sleeping in the limo. And Tina Fey. And JT. Ok, I guess the opening had a lot of highlights).

I don’t watch Fallon’s show, but let’s just say he clearly does not come from a school of improv, based on his lackluster stall while waiting for the teleprompter to be fixed (I mean, don’t get me wrong, that literally sounds like a host’s ACTUAL worst nightmare, but a comedian seems equipped to cover it a touch better than he did). He then apparently hid in his dressing room for the rest of the night, since I barely remember seeing him after the opening act.

Before we get to the good stuff (the clothes), my own Golden Globes Awards:

Best Reverse Aging: Brad Pitt (runner up – Tim Olyphant, who now looks younger than he did in Deadwood). Brad Pitt has been involved in a custody battle that somehow involves the FBI, yet apparently losing custody of 8 kids (or however many they have – I can’t keep track) makes you look TEN TO FIFTEEN YEARS YOUNGER. Go figure.

brad-pitt
That tan! That hair! It’s like 2010 Brad Pitt is back!

Most Terrifying Facial Hair: Chris Pine, doing a spot on impression of Teen Wolf.

chris-pine
The skin to hair ratio here is alarming.

Celebrity Turning into Another Celebrity: Casey Affleck has become the (technically impossible) love child of Joaquin Phoenix and Jared Leto. Just, startling.

casey-affleck
Not pictured: Mini ponytail.

Most Unnecessary Award Sharing: Ryan Gosling, sharing his award with Emma Stone and Damian Chazelle, who FUCKING WON THEIR OWN AWARDS, SO THERE. (I mean, I love Gosling, don’t get me wrong).

Most Factually Accurate International Statement: “Ryan Gosling, like all the nicest people, is Canadian.” – Meryl Streep.

OK onto the good stuff – the dresses. Overall, I was underwhelmed. I didn’t think there were a lot of clear OMG AMAZING dresses, nor (sadly) a lot of “WTF IS SHE WEARING?” dresses either. Let’s hope the Oscars serve up something better.

Best Dressed:

Kristen Bell: The best of the Plunging Black Dress phenomenon. Just the right amount of sparkle, the right amount of skin. This look is sometimes hard to pull off when you are short, but she looked phenomenal.

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Kristen Bell on the Red Carpet.
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Kristen Bell in Life.

Mandy Moore: Another really good showing for the PBD, but a little more romantic than most of the other sleek and sexy PBDs.

mandy-moore
I’m contractually obligated to point out that Mandy Moore went to Bishop Moore High School with my sophmore year college roommate. However, it is not until this exact moment that I realized her last name is the same as her high school. 

Blake Lively: Blake Lively is a fashion queen, and she RARELY gets it wrong on the red carpet. Her black and gold number was relatively simple but different enough that it stood out from the crowd.

blake-lively
Take your hands out of your pockets! It’s like she didn’t read my 2016 Golden Globes blog. 

Emma Stone: There’s something a bit overt about an ingénue wearing stars on her dress when she’s up for an award for a movie called La La Land, but other than that I thought it was very cute and very on trend with the silver (So. Much. Silver).

emma-stone
I somehow missed how tone on tone her skin color and the dress are, but I’m still a fan. 

Anette Bening and Sarah Paulson – Both wore high necked, long sleeved silver tone dresses and both looked really great – bonus to Annette Bening who looks like a fun hang, based on her dynamite red carpet smile. She’s literally GRINNING.

anette-bening
I have never seen someone look this legitimately happy to be on the red carpet.
sarah-paulson
First: the shoulder puffs make this dress worthy of the list. Second: I do not know what is going on here. Are they dating? Last time I checked, Sarah Paulson was dating a like, 70 year old woman (which Amanda Peet is clearly not).

Carrie Underwood: I loved this dress, although I’ve seen it on some Worst Dressed lists. My astute husband pointed out it looks like a horse head is draped around her neck, but hey, she’s from Oklahoma.

carrie-underwood
In case you can’t see it, the horse snout is right where her right fingertips are. And then just work your way up to the eye and the mane. 

Kristen Wiig: No stranger to wearing really unusual dresses to award shows. I liked this dress a lot, and it’s incredibly hard to pull off, but I think if you’re K-Wiig you can and she did.

kristen-wiig
I love this dress more and more, every time I see it. 

Thandie Newton – The trifecta: trendy look (exposed shoulders) plus some metallic (bronze hem) plus an unexpected dress color (white).

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals
Do not mess with Thandie Newton. IRL or in Westworld. 

Zoe Saldana: The best of the “girly pink with bows” trend (See Claire Foy, Felicity Jones). I love the tone on tone pinks and the bow is not over the top. Also, not a lot of ruffled dresses so this one felt different and eye-catching.

zoe-saldana
Bonus points for the incredibly natural makeup look, which was at odds with what many women were wearing (See: Olivia Culpo)

Reese Witherspoon: This is more a top to bottom look, versus a best dressed. Her hair, makeup, jewelry and dress are just perfectly combined. Especially on a night of some shitty makeup.

reese-witherspoon
I challenge you to find me a shitty Reese Witherspoon award show red carpet look. Her Google Image results are spectacular. 

Best Trend: Sleek silver. It was like a sea of fishes in that joint.

Worst Trend: Sleeves with open shoulders. Pointless and probably really hard to actually lift your arms past about 45 degrees.

Worst Dressed:

Kerry Washington: Matador jacket shoulders, random appliques and an ankle length hemline which I just DESPISE. Oh, and on second look – some bonafide black grannypant style underwear.

kerry-washington
I see London, I see France, I see someone’s stylist getting fired.

Nicole Kidman: I blame this dress on Keith Urban. It was within his ability to rip the sleeves off before she left the house, via a small, completely unintentional “accidental” trip n’ grab. And yet he didn’t.

nicole-kidman
You know that old Coco Chanel adage about taking one thing off before you leave the house? Nicole has never heard it. 

Sarah Jessica Parker– SJP wears ballgowns. It’s what she does. At the Golden Globes, she wore a tablecloth, with two napkins for sleeves. A rare miss-step.

sjp
How many people do you think wanted to just drop something in those sleeves to see if she noticed?

Jessica Chastain: Jessica and I do not see eye to eye on fashion. I don’t know if I ever have liked one of her award season gowns.  From the appliques, to the horrible neckline, this dress is just a giant Fail.

jessica-chastain
This feels like an early 2000s prom dress, a phrase no one wants to be associated with.

Sophie Turner: Looks like a dance troupe costume crossed with a deconstructed tuxedo. At least she looks like she is owning the look.

sophie-turner
Her expression basically says she’s seen the script for Game of Thrones and she’s burning all you assholes to the ground, so there’s that.

Natalie Portman: Sorry, pregos don’t get a pass from me. My biggest problem with this dress is the color, which I don’t think looks good on her. And then to have it be SO MUCH FABRIC. As a strapless dress, I think this would have worked.

natalie-portman
This is not quite Drew Barrymore levels of bad pregnancy fashion, but it’s kind of close. 

Felicity Jones: I hate this dress. It’s like someone took a magic marker and drew on the details.

felicity-jones
This is not Zoey Deschanel. 

On the Fence:

Jessica Biel – I like that it is different, but the bodice feels like there is just TOO much missing.

jessica-biel
This is in the same vein as Kerry Washington, but done a hell of a lot better. 

Hailee Steinfeld. Again with the sleeves. This dress would be on my Best Dressed list, if those sleeves went bye-bye. Points for the color though.

hailee-steinfeld
There’s a tiny bit of Ice Capades going on, but overall I’m a fan. Minus the sleeves (the heirarchy of Terrible Sleeves is: Kidman, SJP, Steinfeld)

Claire Foy: Another dress that is probably divisive – it’s a LOT of pink sparkle, but on a night of silver sparkle, it stood out. And she’s British and her acceptance speech made her sound really likeable and sort of Adele 2.0.  Seems like it might be better in person, than in photos.

claire-foy
You get one shiny, pink princess dress. That’s it. 

Color of the Night: Silver. Runner-up: Black (preferably with a J-Lo esque plunge)

 

The Bachelor Power Rankings: Week 1

So begins the Bachelor Power Rankings, now that we’ve whittled down the group. My pre-season Final Four all made it through the first culling:

  1. Rachel – She received the first impression rose, and as I previously pointed out – seems normal and well-rounded and smart. Even after seeing her on camera, she still seems to be all of these things.
  2. Danielle M. – She got a fair amount of screen time, including a separate producer package (which seems like a sign she is sticking around for at least a few weeks). No mention of her deceased fiancée yet. She told Nick she was a neo-natal intensive care nurse and then he ASKED HER IF SHE WORKED IN A HOSPITAL which either means he was not listening closely, or is stupid.
  3. Liz The most important take away from this episode is that Liz has ALREADY SLEPT WITH NICK. The fact that she did not just casually announce that to the room of 29 competitive women is my greatest disappointment in the season opener.
  4. Vanessa The perfect bachelor contestant – she’s pretty – but not in an overly generic way, has an interesting job, is from Quebec, speaks multiple languages and had a fair amount of screen time. Outside of Taylor, the biggest surprise.
  5. Christen – Christen stood out (possibly because she was wearing a bright yellow pageant gown). She seems like she could be a fun hang, so I could see her sticking around for at least a few weeks.
  6. Danielle L.Danielle L. is very pretty, and knows how to turn heads, if her dress is any indication. She also had a pre-show on-location package, like everyone ahead of her on this list (excluding Christen, if memory serves). She seemed a bit…vapid, but Nick seemed to be a fan.
  7. Corrine I mistakenly characterized her as “boring” based on her online profile, when in reality she is 24 years old and has a nanny. For whatever reason, Corrine has not re-branded her as a Personal Assistant/Preparer of Sliced Cucumbers, which makes me question her ability to ‘run a multi-million dollar business.’ She went in for the first kiss (which Nick later described as ‘uncomfortable’) so she might stick around for awhile based on SHEER DETERMINATION AND WILL.
  8. Raven Raven just seems like the type of girl that men like. I don’t think she will win, but I don’t think she’s getting shipped back to Hoxie, Arkansas anytime soon, either.
  9. Taylor She was my biggest pre-show miss. Her profile made her sound like she had the personality of someone fresh out of high school, and in reality she has a Master’s Degree from Johns Hopkins. She also swore twice on camera and told Nick her friends think he’s an asshole. I like Taylor.
  10. Lacey I don’t remember Nick and Lacey interacting much, but I just dipped back to her profile and she seems like the right combo of smart/funny.
  11. SarahShe seems incredibly YOUNG and frankly, not too smart. But she also seems cute, bubbly and fun so you know, if you’re going to surround yourselves with ladies, she’s not a terrible choice.
  12. Alexis She insisted she was wearing a dolphin costume when it was so, so clearly a shark costume (it had gills, sharp pointy teeth, and a serious resemblance to Left Shark). I assume Nick picked her because she was the only person that seemed to be consuming hard alcohol and could end up being the FUN one.
  13. Jasmine G. She had some weird pool-side breakdown which included phrases like “this isn’t me!” and “I can’t believe I’m acting like this” – but she also had a fair amount of screen time and is a professional NBA dancer, which earns her another week, minimum.
  14. BrittanyShe was in my pre-season top 4 but we did not see much of her Night 1. Doesn’t bode well.
  15. WhitneyI had her as a pre-show villain but we barely saw her. She could be the type that blends in for a bit though, and then sort of makes a move (like Chase on JoJo’s season. I mean, Chase was not on anyone’s radar. Possibly even his own.)
  16. Astrid Astrid should be gone soon, if my Bachelor radar is on point.
  17. Hailey the angry, non-Canadian-esque Canadian made it into the Top 22 but she just seems…like a bit of an odd duck.
  18. Dominique I have no memory of seeing Dominque so that just can’t be a good sign.
  19. Elizabeth – Also had very little screen time.
  20. Jaimi– After the weird “I have balls” intro line, I was surprised she made it through.
  21. Kristina – I originally chose her as my pre-show winner, based off her photo and her online profile. She is not winning this thing. I don’t think I ever saw her speak to Nick, and she was used as a prop by the producers, intercutting shots of her crying into the rose selection process. Producers don’t do that to winners.
  22. Josephine – She had one of those longer on-location promo packages as well, wherein she basically annoyed the shit out of everyone who was watching.

And for those keeping score, of the original cast, these eight girls got unceremoniously dumped on the first night. We knew you so little!

Angela – the 5’7” model
Lauren – the girl who wants to live off the land
Olivia – So much for this being her ticket out of Anchorage
Briana – The one whose biggest accomplishment was moving to Utah
Ida Marie – Good news, she will have more time to read now!
Jasmine B. – The show could not handle more than one lady named Jasmine
Michelle – She owned a food truck, so I consider this Nick’s loss and Los Angeles’ gain
Susannah – Hopefully one night on the Bachelor doesn’t supplant her previous greatest achievement of flying to Europe on a whim.