The Bachelorette: All the Guys Sound Terrible

For travelling reasons, not going to be able to do my usual Bachelorette/Bachelor blogging this season BUT, just took a look at the cast and my god, it’s dire. How could they do this to the best Bachelorette in recent memory?!

Check out all the cast photos and bios here.  I didn’t link each name!

Adam: Normal, until this gem: “What is the most romantic present you have ever received and why? Threesome. It was my birthday.”

Alex: He says his favorite artist is The Rock. THE ROCK. I have no words. (Side note: the two artists mentioned by contestants as their “favorite artist” are 1.) The Rock and 2.) Jean-Michel Basquiat. One of JMB’s painting just sold for $110.5 million which is the most money ever paid for a piece painted by an American artist. Ever. The Rock has gigantic muscles. That is all.)

Anthony: Seems smart, well-educated, normal. Only 26 so maybe a bit young for Rachel?

Blake E: I could not get past his occupation which is “aspiring drummer.”  He’s 31 years old. Come on. Aspire your way into a paying job.

Blake K:If you were stranded on a dessert island, what would it be made of? “Chipotle because Chipotle is my life.”  In fairness to Blake K, I too, just thought the writer spelled “Desert” incorrectly (they did not).

Brady: Brady literally looks like a text book “male model” and THAT IS WHAT HE IS. The most romantic gift he has ever received is Lululemon sweatpants because “She knew the way to my heart is cuddling on the couch in well-made, high-quality sweats.” Tell that to all those women with the see through lululemon pants, Brady.

Bryan: The most normal so far, nothing too scary in his bio. Except he’s a chiropractor.

Bryce: I urge you to take a good long hard look at Bryce’s profile photo and then explain to me if someone went nuts with photoshop or what. His ears look positively elfen and his jaw is literally wider than his forehead. I can say all of this and be sort of mean because he said this: “How would you describe yourself as a lover? A fresh drink of water with a jolt of lightning.” Bryce… electricity and water are a bad combination.

Dean: 26, looks like he’s 22. “What does being married mean to you? I think marriage is an institutionalized sham derived from religious beliefs. That said, when I get married, it’s a life-long commitment.” Good thing he came on the show.

Demario: I thought Demario was good – cute, the right age, employed… then this: “Do you have any pets and if so, what kind? No pets but when I’m married with children I will own a pet lion and name him, “Denzel, the lion.””  However, also this rather well thought out gem as a counterpoint: “I won’t lie, I love attention… not like ’07 B. Spears attention or 2011 Sheen. Natural attention like when Justin and Brit wore those incredible denim outfits.” Those are the kind of thoughtful pop culture references I respect.

Diggy: I don’t care what Diggy said in any of his bio, I only care about this response: “What is a typical Saturday night like for you? Now, I’m trying to recover from all the day drinking! It can consist of napping to go back out or just recovering.” Are these things written AFTER the show? Why else is he day drinking? #Investigate

Eric: The requisite ‘personal trainer’ of the bunch. He seems super into Tony Robbins which just gives me great big, red warning flags.

Fred: Almost every guy in their cast photo is wearing a v-neck or round neck tee. Not Fred. Fred has on a collared shirt AND a sweater. Fred looks 45 years old. And this, which made me just…gag: “there are times that I get aroused at work and I have to go back to my desk to avoid being noticed.” (he’s an executive assistant, for those wanting to know about his arousing work).

Grant: Grant looks like Penn Badgley, after you’ve had two stiff drinks.

Iggy: Iggy seems pretty normal, but he said “I once got a boner during a board meeting. I had to present sitting down.” So apparently this is a thing, that I could have gone my whole life without knowing.

JACK STONE: Deliver unto us the greatest mystery of all! Why is he listed by his full name? Does he only go by Jack Stone? Does he not answer to just Jack? WE NEED ANSWERS. (otherwise- normal dude. Of course, I said that about Corrine last year, too).

Jamey: Jamey’s profile is a classic. You start at the top – photo – decent. Age and occupation? Seems right on. First few answers: good, good, sweet, nice, funny. Then there’s a kind of weird answer. Then a really shallow one. And then one that makes you just think of him as a complete weirdo lunatic.

Jedediah: He legit sounds like his name. He’s good on paper, if a bit mountain man.

Jonathan: He described his occupation as “Tickle Monster” which made me tab through to the next contestant because NO FUCKING THANK YOU, MISTER.

jonathanbachelorette
If you see this guy, run. 

Josiah: My current favorite to win this thing, based on profile. Seems like a good match for Rachel.

Kenny: Apparently The Rock is this season’s “Ariel.” The common thread that binds these men together: a singular love for Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. Kenny is a wrestler though so it feels a bit more on point for him. Kenny’s photo makes him just look SO NICE.

Kyle: Super intense and sort of sounds like an asshole. Would be good to keep him around to instigate shit.  And this nonsensical answer: “Gluten? Not really sure what it is or what food it lives in, but I select gluten-free menu options when I can.” Like, wtf would you avoid it if you don’t even know what it IS?

Lee: Lee should revisit his hairstyle. That is all.

Lucas: He lists his occupation as “Whaboom” (which for me is “WhaWhat the Fuck) He is an adult man that has an ant farm.

Matt: Super, super normal responses.

Michael: Ex professional basketball player, who played in Bulgaria. I’m pretty sure this was a plot line on The New Girl.

Milton: The second cast member who has a tattoo on the inside of his bottom lip, which is apparently a thing. Also, the most non-Milton looking Milton ever. Although all Miltons look like Milton from Office Space, in my world. Cheers, Milton. (also: he cops to the real reason he is on this show is to ‘get discovered’ which is EVERYONE’S REASON but no one admits to it normally).

milton
Everyone’s favorite Milton!!! 

Mohit: I love Mohit! I hope he goes far. “Gluten? I’m going to dress up as that for Halloween.”

Peter: Claims to have been a model, but I have my doubts, Peter. I have my doubts.

(thank god this cast is alphabetically front loaded … dying here)

Rob: Rob looks like a mash up between Tom Cruise and Peter Quinn from Homeland.

robbachelor
I present to you the impossible love child of Tom Cruise and the actor who plays Peter Quinn on Homeland that I’m too lazy to IMDB!

Will: Nice! Normal! The last person I have to write about!

I like Josiah, Mohit, Jedidah and Brian (on paper)…. but no one is really jumping off the screen here as an obvious frontrunner… so we’ll just have to watch and see!

The Bachelor Power Rankings, Week 6

Clearly the travel budget has shrunk, because there was a mass culling on this week’s episode of The Bachelor.

We start where we left off (sigh), with the obligatory “Taylor’s going to tell Nick that Corrine’s a liar” scene which goes exactly as one would predict: Taylor tells Nick that Corrine is a liar. Nick mumbles something like “thanks” or “I know” or “what’s your name again?” and then Taylor goes home, where I can only assume she’s now having a VERY difficult time being taken seriously as a mental health counselor.

The girls are then all shuttled via a horse-drawn omnibus to a house in New Orleans, where Chris Harrison (who I can only presume goes home every night and rolls around in money, cackling at how he gets paid to routinely utter one line a show, e.g. “Ladies, it’s time.”) announces that there will be no cocktail party because everyone is teetering on the edge of alcohol poisoning. Or because Nick doesn’t want one. I can’t recall which is true.  We say goodbye to Jaimi, Josephine (fist pump!) and Alexis the DolphinShark. We do not say goodbye to Whitney (who has possibly had less dialogue on this show than Chris Harrison).

Everyone is rounded up and told to pack the tiniest swimsuits and jortiest jean shorts they own because they’re headed to St. Thomas in the U.S. Virgin Islands (I mean, seriously, you could pick 20 better Caribbean islands than St. Thomas. There is A FREAKING K-MART ON ST. THOMAS. I know this because I. Have. Been. To It [both the island and the K-Mart])*.

bad-swimwear
Vanessa, vomiting over Nick’s perpetually bad swimwear choices.

Off they go to meh St. Thomas where they stay at a meh Marriott and go on a bunch of meh dates. The central theme of this episode (other than “not having fun”) was “I have not been on a one on one date with Nick, THUS I DESERVE TO GO ON ONE.” This includes Whitney, Jasmine and Kristina. Jasmine and Whitney complain loudly on camera of not going on a one on one so we immediately know that Kristina will be the one to get it. She packs an extra-large dose of her native Russian pragmatism and they head off to the beach where they make out (shocking) and then go to a dinner where Nick questions her about her history and how she came to America. This is actually the most interesting part of the entire season, and Nick looks legitimately enthralled (by Nick standards) with what she’s saying. She gets the rose (although really, after her story, which includes the phrase “I ate lipstick. Didn’t taste good,” you’d have to be a really mean person to NOT give her the rose).

Next is a group date, where they go hang out at what looks like a shitty public park on a beach and play volleyball (All of them, under duress) and drink (Corrine) and stare sadly out to sea (Rachel, Vanessa and Danielle M.). I mean, I’m not surprised they were all crying by the end of it because boy did it look like a boring date compared to some of the others on this show. Volleyball proved to be too much for these girls and eventually Jasmine pushes Corrine into the sand (we all want to), Rachel quits playing (frankly, not the one I thought would be the quitter), Danielle M. and Vanessa start crying, and Raven just keeps serving to an empty field (guess who gets the group date rose? Raven, the Non Quitter).

the-shove
If only Taylor had done this to Corrine in the swamp. Now that’s good television. 

All of this is just the appetizer for the evening group cocktail party which is a non-stop barrage of Jasmine talking about how much she likes Nick but how she’s pissed that she has not gotten much time with him. When she finally  gets time with him, she strangles him. Twice. She calls it a ‘chokie.’ This is a true thing that happened on the show. Nick is not amused and sends her home as fast as possible.  Raven is given the rose and it is apparently so uninteresting it does not even make the actual episode cut and is instead mentioned by another girl in VO.

indifferent
The face of someone who is indifferent to attempted murder.

Finally we have another two on one date with Danielle L. (or “DLo,” a nickname that, come episode 6, is suddenly mentioned 100 times) and Whitney. This is a weird pairing, because DLo has had a fair amount of time with Nick and Whitney has had none. Normally these dates feature two backburners or two people who hate each other. They go to a deserted sandbar (islet? rock?) by helicopter for the sole purpose of Nick telling one girl he’s leaving them on said islet. The date literally consists of: helicopter arrival. Awkward couch time with all three. One on one time with Whit. One on one time with Danielle. Nick saying “I’ll be right back” and running over to Whit to tell her she’s headed back to Minnesota. Helicopter departs with Danielle and Nick. Whitney is abandoned on islet to be pick up by a passing fisherman or similar (Although enjoy the alternate universe where she begins her own colony and rules it as a sovereign islet nation of yoga devotees).

Then we get to what is just the most awful, awkward part of an already exceedingly depressing episode, where Nick and DLo sit down to a pretend dinner and she proceeds to tell him how much she likes him and his face just glazes over into what is clearly a “I’m about to send you home” look but somehow she does not see it and oh my god then she’s suddenly telling him she’s falling in love with him and I am screaming “WOMAN, DO YOU NOT SEE HIS FACE RIGHT NOW??”. It was awkward. Kudos to her for keeping a really nice, straight face when he gave her the boot though.

The show ends with Nick busting in on the remaining girls (most of which have little to no makeup on, which gives me great, great joy) and crying and telling them basically that he’s not sure he’s actually going to find love on this show (can’t fathom why he would think that after three tries) and then he just walks out. Very classic “I’m miserable so YOU must be made to feel miserable, too” approach from Nick.

WILL HE COME BACK? (Answer, yes, because this is The Bachelor and they have like, five more episodes to fill).

On with The Bachelor Power Rankings!

  1. Vanessa (+ 1 spot) – Vanessa has been sort of in the background over the last few weeks but sometimes that’s a good thing.
  2. Rachel (- 1 spot) – Rachel quits the volleyball game and instigates the Great Volleyball Rebellion of 2016. Later she told Nick she’s just not down with all the games and she’s only there for him and I thought it was going OK until he was like “well if you don’t want to be here you shouldn’t be here.” I still think she makes Top 4 though.
  3. Corrine (+1 spot) – Suddenly Corrine seems to be friends with the girls, so maybe it was just Taylor that had problems with her. She continues to drink a lot, sleep a lot and drop gems like “Cats have nine lives and bitches have two.” WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? Raquel 2.0 (Lorna) shows up to be their maid (that’s what it is, people. A maid.) and Corrine’s eyes light up like it’s Christmas because YAY THE SERVANT IS HERE! And I’m just sinking below the cushions of the couch because This. Is. So. Wrong.
  4. Raven (+ 1 spot) – I’m just begrudgenly beginning to like Raven, which probably means she’s about to get the ax. Nick seems to be kind of into her small town ingénue thing. They don’t really seem to have any chemistry but oh well.
  5. Kristina (+ 1 spot) – Giving her a bump for sharing her family history on national TV, which she really did NOT seem like she wanted to do. Also, when asked about her birth mother, she bluntly says “She’s dead.” Which is just SO not the way things are done on these dates so applause to Kristina for not sugar coating everything in life. Also, fantastic teeth.
  6. Danielle M. (- 2 spots) – All I could focus on was how different Danielle looked in this episode. Different hairstyle? Even less makeup? She also had a lot of “crying on the beach” scenes during the volleyball game and I’m just at the point where I’m giving up on this early front runner (although she still could make it to Top 4).

Somehow of the six remaining, two of them were in my original Final Four (Kristina and Danielle M.). Neither of which are winning it.

Five of these six girls were in my bottom five last week, and all went home this week (patting self on back):

  1. Jaimi – In honor of her going home, I’m finally spelling her name correctly.
  2. Josephine – You may have won some battles, Josephine, but I won the war.
  3. Alexis the DolphinShark – Back to New Jersey to pursue her career as a DolphinShark trainer.
  4. Jasmine G. – It’s possible that if we didn’t have the Corrine Show, we’d have had the Jasmine Show. Because that lady is INTENSE.
  5. Whitney – No longer will Bill be able to turn to me and say “Who?”
  6. Danielle L. – Apparently publicly dancing on a stage in front of a crowd (twice) is not the foundation to a solid romance.

* Google has informed me there are TWO K-Marts on St. Thomas.

beach-gif
I’m sad to say I missed this in the telecast. 

 

The Ladies of the Bachelor.

I read all of the Bachelorette profiles for this season’s Bachelor so that you don’t have to. I watched nary a single video, so this is all based off their online profiles:

Alexis: I believe that Alexis arrives in a dolphin suit (there are multiple dolphin fanatics on this season’s cast, which is why I am not 100% certain). This alone disqualifies her from lasting more than a week or two. Favorite profile quote: “I love the ocean and dogs are very active!”

Angela: Angela has a classic pageant look, so I am not surprised she describes her occupation as “model.” I am surprised, however, that she’s 5’7” (so we’re talking catalogue model. Or hand model. Mouth model? Impressive teeth).  Our second dolphin fanatic (alphabetically, our contestants are two for two on loving dolphins). Aspiration: Be a stay at home mom and model some, “if possible.” Angela needs to believe in herself more.

Astrid: Astrid is our third dolphin-lover of the group. Apparently A names and dolphin fanaticism go hand in hand. Or a producer got bored and just made all of these women dolphin aficionados. Favorite profile moment: “If you could be any animal, which one and why? Dolphin, so I could rescue lost sailors.” I don’t think she understand how people lost at sea get rescued.

Briana: I am not fucking kidding you, she lists “Dolphin” as the animal she wants to be. We are now four for four. Did they do these interviews at an aquarium?? Favorite profile moment: “What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done? Moved to Utah.” Agreed.

Brittany: Her occupation is “travel nurse.” What is a travel nurse? Brittany manages to answer all her questions without making me question her IQ. I like Brittany. On paper. Brittany is in my pre-show Final Four.

Christen: She seems well-rounded, so she probably won’t make it far. Also, this: “If you could break any law, with no repercussions, which law, and why? I would break into the White House and spend months sleeping in a storage closet and observing what actually goes on behind closed doors.” Not at all creepy.

Corrine: Has the most boring profile so far (which hey, probably means she’s really nice and normal IRL, so there’s that).

Danielle L: Danielle L’s profile photo says “I’m fun! I’m sassy!” No boring headshot for her. Favorite profile moment: “What’s the most embarrassing thing you listen to? Glee Soundtracks!” Amen, sister.

Danielle M: Danielle M is an ancient 31 year old woman, who apparently tricked the producers somehow, into getting into this field of mid-20 somethings (Nick is 36, for those wondering). She has a sad backstory, she’s very pretty and her profile answers seem normal and serious. Danielle M is in my pre-show Final Four.

Oh my god, we’re only in the D’s.

Dominique: She looks really nice and has really pretty hair. She’s also a restaurant server, so she is patient and puts up with our shit. Favorite profile moment: “If you could be any animal, which one and why? I would be any kind of flying bird.” I appreciate the fact she specifies FLYING birds, vs non-flying birds. Because seriously, some people forget that NOT ALL BIRDS CAN FLY. I hope that she goes far, but statistically (Ahem, she is … not white) she probably won’t. Don’t blame me America, blame Nick.

Elizabeth “Liz”: Elizabeth “Liz” (different from just plain Elizabeth, coming up next). Liz is the type of girl you pick out immediately as Final Four potential, simply by photo. LIZ DOES NOT GIVE A FUCK WHAT PEOPLE THINK OF HER.  How do I know this? She lists Brokedown Palace as one of her favorite movies and lists her guiltiest pleasure as: “Picking my nose while driving. I can’t help it and for some reason it’s always in my car.” Liz might be my new favorite person.  Carpe diem, Liz!

Elizabeth: After Liz, I don’t even care.

Hailey: Hailey’s profile photo makes it look like she doesn’t know how she ended up here. Or she’s stoned. One of the two. Hailey’s profile answers match her photo. Favorite quotes: “Only children are strange” and “I’m not into butterflies at all.”

Ida Marie: Ida Marie needs no explaining. Her profile responses speak for her: “What is your favorite all-time book and why?: I need to read more books.” And “If you could be any fruit or vegetable, what would you be?: Strawberry – they are sexual and taste great with wine.” And the inexplicable, “If you could be any animal, which one and why? A giraffe, duh!”

Jaimi: She has a legit eyebrow scar. “What is your greatest achievement to date? Catering the Oscars.” It feels like Jaimi does not need to be on The Bachelor.

Jasmine B.: Yeah, there are two Jasmines on the Bachelor.

Jasmine G.: Jasmine G. is, I believe, snubbed by Nick in the first episode. I know this only because I saw one vague click-baity tweet, which I did not click on. “If you won the lottery, what would you do with your winnings?: First I would buy socks because I can never find them! Then buy out a sports team.” There’s no in-between in life, for Jasmine G.

Josephine: She lists her height as 5’7 and ¾. I just object to that ¾ inch with every fiber of me being. Sorry, Josephine.

Kristina. She’s my pre-show winner. Everything about her screams Bachelor winner. Good profile photo, traditional job that does not geographically tie her to a location (dental hygienist), orphan/adopted. Every answer in her profile is unimpeachable. Congratulations, Kristina, on winning the Bachelor!

Lacey: Lacey seems pretty normal, and then you get to this: “What’s your biggest date fear? That he’s going on another date right after.”  Perhaps Lacey is unfamiliar with the concept of the Bachelor? OR PERHAPS SHE IS FACING HER FEARS.

Lauren: Lauren’s occupation is “Law School Graduate” which makes me just assume she is not an actual, practicing lawyer, and is either too embarrassed to tell us what she really does or… she is unemployed. Lauren also wants to be a dolphin, so after a dolphin void, we’re back on track.  Favorite quote: “I could live on a farm and off the land any day.” I fear that Lauren (from Naples, Florida) might not actually understand what the realities of living off the land entail.

Michelle: She owns a food truck (win!) and possibly does not understand that Albus Dumbledore is a fictional character. She looks like she’s about 16 years old but is 24.

Olivia: Olivia is from Anchorage, Alaska, so I presume she applied to this show to GTFO of Anchorage (I’ve been there. It’s GTFO worthy, IMHO). Favorite profile moment: “What are you most afraid of? Spiders and not being able to find love.” The peanut butter and chocolate of fears.

Rachel: Rachel has Angela Bassett-quality arms, a physical trait I really admire. She also sounds like a really smart, well-rounded, successful person, so I don’t know why she is on this show. She’s the type of person I would want to win, but for the fact she is clearly far too good for this shit.

Raven. Raven looks exactly like you would imagine someone named “raven” to look. To the point I wonder if it is her real name. She’s from a town called Hoxie, Arkansas, which sounds pretty awful (but maybe is nice!). Favorite profile moment: “Who is your favorite actor and why? Brittany Murphy (when she was alive).”

Sarah. I had Sarah in my Final Four based solely on tiny profile photos, and then I read her profile. “If you could be any animal, which would you be and why? A puppy! Or, if you’re a bird, I’m a bird right? :)”  What the fuck does that even mean? ALSO, THIS WOMAN IS TEACHING OUR CHILDREN.

Susannah: She lists her greatest achievements as: Flying to Europe on a whim with one of my best friends.” She is 26 years old. I really, really, REALLY hope that is not her greatest achievement in life.

Taylor: Taylor is 23 and lists her career as a “mental health counselor”, an occupation which I had hoped you would need some sort of advanced degree (but clearly don’t, because I repeat, she is 23). Favorite profile moment: “Who is your favorite clothes designer? Forever 21” (I repeat, Nick is THIRTY SIX FUCKING YEARS OLD. HER PROFILE LITERALLY READS LIKE SOMEONE IN HIGH SCHOOL). Taylor, I beg you – do not date a thrice-failed Bachelor contestant who is 13 years older than you. ENJOY YOUR TWENTIES, TAYLOR. BE FREE. STREAK, LIKE YOU’VE NEVER STREAKED BEFORE!

Vanessa: Vanessa is another person that seems really normal. Her most intriguing profile moment: “If you could be any fruit or vegetable, which one would you be? An onion because they’re a staple item and can be found all year round.” Ok.

Whitney: She smiles without teeth, which immediately makes me suspect. Her profile is pretty boring, but for the fact she would be Gisele for a day because she “has the reputation of being a really successful model.” I like that Whitney is not totally convinced of Gisele’s success levels, but implies that people SAY Gisele is successful. Our very own Doubting Thomas (er, Whitney). If I had to assign a villain character, based solely on profile photos, I’d vote Whitney. Also, have you ever met a really nice, friendly, warm person named Whitney? I realize they exist, but they are like Unicorns. But real.

Contestants who list Titanic, a movie about a shit ton of people dying, as their favorite movie: Four

Contestants who choose Ariel, from the Little Mermaid, as the fictional character they most want to be: Three, one of which specifically wants to be Ariel “pre-legs”

Contestants who can’t live without their mom: 3+ (I forgot I was keeping track of this stat and am not taking the time to go back through these profiles). Someone should probably start preparing them for the inevitability of that moment. I know. It took a dark turn.

Contestants who admire and/or want to be Olivia Pope from Scandal: Almost every fucking one.

This cast is by FAR the most ethnically diverse, and Nick must have quite a penchant for brunettes (OUR TIME HAS COME!).  Enjoy this season of The Bachelor! On ABC. Mondays, I think. Maybe at like, 9pm? Just set your DVR. I can’t be bothered with the details.

Golden Globes Best and Worst Dressed – 2015

Full disclosure: I completely forgot the Golden Globes were even ON last night, until about two hours before “game time.” And then I was gone when they started. And my DVR was turned off and wouldn’t take my offsite request to record them (damn you, Comcast!). That being said, apparently the Golden Globes are now like the MTV Movie Awards, and they just put them on a continuous loop for people like me! But who cares about the awards? All we really care about is what. people. wore.

Overall I thought this year’s red carpet was filled with great (mostly safe) choices. I had very few “what the hell is she wearing” moments which is both good and slightly disappointing (we all love a good failure, now don’t we?). Here’s my take, in random order of top 10 best, the worst 7, and 3 “fencers.”

The Ten Best Looks:

1. Kate Hudson in Versace: Someone send me the phone number of Kate Hudson’s physician, dietician, personal trainer and personal body sculptor. How does she look this amazing? HOW IS THIS PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE? Talk about having self-confidence!

Here's Kate Hudson, looking not 36 years old.
Here’s Kate Hudson, looking not 36 years old.

2. Amy Poehler in Opening Monologue (Unknown): I am in love with Amy Poehler’s opening monologue look; the simplicity of the dress, combined with that necklace. The colors. Love, love, love.

Dear Amy, please send me your dress and necklace and comedic brilliance ASAP. XOXO, The Sessionista
Dear Amy, please send me your dress and necklace and comedic brilliance ASAP. XOXO, The Sessionista

3. Lupita Nyong’o in Giambattista Valli Couture: She’s pretty much become a no-brainer for the Best Dressed list (minus that funky number she wore to the 2014 Met Gala). This year is no different (except this time she wore glasses on stage. Like a hipster. A well-dressed hipster).

If you can believe this, it actually looks better WITH hipster glasses.
If you can believe this, it actually looks better WITH hipster glasses.

4. Allison Janney in Ella Zahlan: I would not have SEEN Allison Janney had I not flipped through eOnline Red Carpet this morning, but I think this number is great. There was a lot of red last night, but I like how different this silhouette is.

Allison Janney, FTW in red.
Allison Janney, FTW in red.

5. Anna Kendrick in Monique Lhuillier: Ok, so she looks looks like an INCREDIBLY creepy figurine in this photo, but other than that, this is a great look and very different than the sleek look a lot of the women were wearing this year.

Music Box Anna
I assume if she turns around, there’s a twisty brass knob sticking out of her back that makes her rotate and lift her arms.

6. Emily Blunt in Michael Kors: She just looks like such a nice person, and this dress definitely drives that idea home (probably also helps that she’s married to John Krasinski, who I only think of as Jim from The Office, thus, Mr. Nice Guy). I would have been terrified of tummy roll all night, but she probably does not have that same fear.

Emily, giving a lesson on how to go Grecian, without looking like you're on your way to a toga party.
Emily, giving a lesson on how to go Grecian, without looking like you’re on your way to a toga party.

7. Felicity Jones in Christian Dior: Ok, so everything about this dress screams “CHRISTIAN DIOR!” and it’s not particularly insane/interesting/unusual… but the color looks good on her and the neckline is unique in a sea of plunging necklines. And the dress doesn’t overwhelm her, which, let’s face it, is pretty easy to have happen in a Dior ballgown.

You can look good and pretty and only show your arms. I know, I know, it's hard to absorb.
You can look good and pretty and only show your arms. I know, I know, it’s hard to absorb.

8. Julianne Moore in Givenchy Couture: Her red hair looks dynamic against this silvery gray ombre sheath and it stands out from the sea of silver that dominated the red carpet this year. And it has feathers. Good feathers. Not bad feathers.

Top: Fun. Midsection: More fun. Bottom: SUPER FUN!
Top: Fun. Midsection: More fun. Bottom: SUPER FUN!

9. Amy Poehler in Stella McCartney (Red Carpet): Loving this red carpet cobalt dress – interesting and bright and again, different from all the rest.

The only thing I don't like about Amy's dress here, is that it is touching Tina's terrible froth of a number.
The only thing I don’t like about Amy’s dress here, is that it is touching Tina’s terrible froth of a number.

10. Julia Louis-Dreyfus in Narcisco Rodrigues: I also need to know how JLD looks this amazing. I don’t know how old she is, but I know she’s been around awhile. And yet here she is, looking super fresh, youthful and pretty in white. I love that she wore her hair down; I think it’s what makes this Top Ten worthy.

Veep
#VEEP

The Seven Worst Looks:

1. Lena Dunham in Zac Posen:  Look, I like Lena Dunham, I have no problem with her, she seems like an interesting person who has managed to take her somewhat wacky life and turn it into an income-earner. I hate this dress. I would probably hate this dress on anyone. It’s super shiny, I don’t like dropped hems and the color is too in your face.

Her hair and eye makeup look good, so there's that. Just, avoid shiny fabrics, Lena. They don't photograph well and they're hard to pull off.
Just, avoid shiny satins, Lena. They don’t photograph well and they’re hard to pull off. Your hair and makeup look good though, so there’s that.

2. Rosamund Pike in Vera Wang: I have a feeling quite a few people will disagree with me on this one. This dress makes me shiver. It makes me want to grab the straps and pull it up. It makes me feel like saggy boobs. No one wants to feel like saggy boobs. Also, I don’t know who Rosamund Pike is, but I’m sure she’s lovely. And from the neck up, she looks great!

I just can't. The words "droop" and "sag" just war for space in my brain when I see this dress.
I just can’t. The words “droop” and “sag” just war for space in my brain when I see this dress.

3. Melissa McCarthy in Items from Home: This maybe could have worked, maybe, somehow, and yet… just… no. Too much going on. Maybe if the shirt had no shine? Maybe?

What I do like about this look is that she appears to be having a good time. And her hair.
What I do like about this look is that she appears to be having a good time. And her hair.

4. Kerry Washington in Mary Katrantzou: I imagine this dress ended up on both Best and Worst lists; it seems polarizing. Her shoes look red and black, which is driving me nuts. The weird part is, this dress would be very interesting and attractive if it was either shorter or longer. But at this odd ankle length? Ugh.

I assume anyone who says they like this look just like Kerry Washington and can't bear to say they hate her choice.
I assume anyone who says they like this look just likes Kerry Washington and can’t bear to say they hate her choice.

5. Kristen Wiig in Delphine Manivet: It sort of looks like a 1970s shower curtain that was revised into a red carpet gown.

will give her that. But I had a barbie doll that had that same dress, in 1984.
Sure, it’s different. I will give her that. But I had a barbie doll that had that same dress, in 1984.

6. Tina Fey on the Red Carpet, in Antonio Berardi: I think that Tina is playing some sort of joke on us all, because this is the THIRD GOLDEN GLOBES IN A ROW that she has struck out on her red carpet look (see: 2014 and  2013). And then she ends up looking great the rest of the night (last year she was on my BEST dressed list for her gown during her Opening Monologue). Oh that Tina…

Tina, in 2016, I ask one thing of you. That you wear something good on the Red Carpet. That is all.
Tina, in 2016, I ask one thing of you. That you wear something good on the Golden Globes Red Carpet. That is all.

7. Claire Danes in Valentino. First and foremost, why the hell was Homeland season 4 not nominated for Best Drama? I just finished binge watching it and it makes me sad to see it not nominated – it’s the best season since season 1. That aside, let’s address Claire’s dress. It is not terrible. It’s just, far, far too overwhelming on her. There’s just a lot going on. And it slouches in odd spots. I want to like it, but I don’t think I can.

I just want to gather all that extra fabric on top and squeeze it behind her. And then we'd have something going.
I just want to gather all that extra fabric on top and squeeze it behind her. And then we’d have something going.

The Fence: To like, or not to like…that is the question.

1. Jennifer Lopez in Zuhair Murad: JLo looks amazing in this dress. This dress is really interesting and different and intense and sexy. The problem I have with it is that I can not stop staring at what would be her left boob, which looks like the dress is digging into, with some weird shadowy effect. It’s distracting to the point it drives me nuts. Nuts!

She's just supremely fierce. I would not eff with JLo. Ever.
She’s just supremely fierce. I would not eff with JLo. Ever.

2. Salma Hayek in Alexander McQueen: My brain, when she walked onstage: “Huh. I like that. I like it. Wait. Is that a silver belt? Does that go with it? Does this look like a wedding dress? I’m confused.”

This dress makes me have feelings. So many, confused feelings.
This dress makes me have feelings. So many, confused feelings.

3. Keira Knightley in Chanel: I mean, what do you want me to say? It’s cute and interesting in a bohemian Chanel way (take a look at how it was presented by the designer – someone get me a milking bucket, ASAP) but it’s also kind of wacky. It is, however a hell of a lot better than Drew Barrymore’s pregnancy fashion at last year’s Golden Globes, that’s for sure.

I just want to point out that if anyone OTHER than Keira Knightley wore this, they would be lampooned. But because she's British and birdlike, she gets a pass.
I just want to point out that if anyone OTHER than Keira Knightley wore this, they would be lampooned. But because she’s British and birdlike, she gets a pass.

Honorable Mention: To all the women who choose silver … Never has a color  been so universally well-worn. It’s like they all looked lovely, and yet none of them made it on any of my lists (except Julianne, in her silver/black/gray).

XOXO,

The Sessionista

Silver Foxettes. Also, Kate Beckinsale, looking the same age she has for 15 years, god bless her surgeon.
Silver Foxettes. Also, Kate Beckinsale, looking the same age she has for 15 years, god bless her surgeon.

The Day American Idol Ruined Madonna

This is already untimely, so without further ado:

1. Heard it Through the Grapevine, Candice: Was too busy finding the WordPress app to pay attention but I imagine it was good.

2. Janelle and Kree are singing the Motown classic, Like a Prayer: It’s like every Saturday night I had in college, except Jodi Foster and Ricki Lake were on lead vocals. Instead of me.

3. For Once in My Life, Lazaro: What’s the over/under on how far into the performance before he face sweats? 7 seconds? Also… Hashtag Gold Lame.

4. Someone should probably tell Nicki Minaj that Smokey Robinson does not look that young naturally.

5. Zumba mention! Drink.

6. Is it just me, or does Ryan seem even more robotic than usual?

7. Keep Me Hanging On, Janelle: Remember those days when they didn’t have backup singers on AI? I sometimes miss those days. Also… She’s looking a little cross-eyed.

8. How many times has Keith been to Detroit outside of doing concerts? Exactly. #DetroitVsEverybody (if you want to look like Keith or say…show your love for the D)

9. Tracks of My Tears, Devin: Smokey’s reaction to Devin saying he was singing this song. “Ohhhhhh…..weeee! Oohhhhhh….wee! Ok….” (Just imagine a squealing, scared pig.). Also, clearly there’s a stylist on the AI payroll whose fashion icon is TinTin.

10. Candice, Squirrel Head and Amber are singing The Supremes. I may have to start calling Squirrel Head something else, now that she has a hairbrush … like Disney Era Miley.

11. So hashtag pow is now a thing. Or #pow

12. My Shari Amor, Brunell: So Rick James is now a flautist? I mean, aside from dead. He’s dead right? I mean, no one could still be alive after that much cocaine? Right?

13. Nicki thinks Brunell is dressed like a doctor. I think he’s dressed like Ashton Kutcher during his Kabbalah phase.

Shoulder pads and white running shoes needed ASAP
Shoulder pads and white running shoes needed ASAP

14. Shop Around, Disney Era Miley: no seriously, what is going on with her hair? Also, if she was wearing white running shoes, she’d be the perfect 1980s working woman in that dress.

15. Sometimes I can’t tell if Keith is more proud papa towards DEM… or creepy uncle.

16. Some Stevie Wonder song that i Should know the title of, but don’t, by Amber: Her mouth is just… Incredibly huge. However, best performance so far.

17. Tour de force=fucking amazing (?)

18. The three guys sing something. Let’s be real… They’re just going to get picked off one by one anyway.

19. Wow. There was some serious bus throwing.

20. Don’t Play That Song, Kree: I actually really like Kree and I don’t have much snark left in me at this point. And the fact she can walk in those shoes is admirable.

XOXO,
The Sessionista

PS:  No really….why was “Like a Prayer” on Motown night? Other than the fact that Madonna is from Michigan. Because you know… so is Ted Nugent.

American Idol: Hashtag Pow

It’s that time of year again where I get to stay up until midnight writing snark about people I don’t know! Yay! At this point in the competition, I don’t know anyone’s names, I just call them by nicknames like “that girl,” “that other girl,” “that guy that’s sort of bad” etc. Luckily in the opening sequence everyone is being introduced and telling us what they want to be and who they are (all I caught was Angie saying she was an Irish girl, in a Southern accent).

This woman has somehow earned the right to judge you.
This woman has somehow earned the right to judge you.

Out come the judges, which means we get to see Mariah walk without assistance, which I was beginning to think was physically impossible. There’s no Nicki Minaj which is unfortunate, because I have been DYING to see what she looks like from the waist down (well, if by “dying” I mean “interested, but not enough to do a Google Image search).  Apparently Nicki is stuck in traffic.

Out come the kids and everyone is wearing a slightly uglier version of what they would have chosen for themselves. Somebody must have stolen Lazaro’s pink shirt while he was sleeping because it is nowhere in sight. Sad face. The theme for the night is “Music of Past American Idols” which is appropriately vague.

Curtis: Curtis wants to be a modern day Luthor Vandross (can you be a modern day Luthor Vandross? I mean, he’s technically modern day already). Great! I can’t wait for his churchy ballad. He’s singing Fantasia “I Believe.” I’m going to be sad if there’s no church choir (although if there’s not, I’m mollified by his paisley smoking jacket. You know Randy is plotting how to rip it off of him). Yay! There’s that choir. No robes, but close enough, since they streamed out in a line in a dramatic reveal. Do you think any of these backup singers ever tried out for American Idol? $100 says yes. At least one of them, at one point in their life. Keith likes it. Randy calls his jacket “fly” (ha!). I give this a 7.  Maybe a 7.5 for the bold jacket choice.

Ryan just walks off stage left, while talking, as the show goes to commercial (finally, he’s cracking. It’s happening. IT’S HAPPENING.)

Janelle: Janelle is telling us about how she saw Steven Tyler at the Idol Mansion (not at all creepy) while almost flashing her cooch. I’m hoping they remind us that she’s a fitness instructor which is…not going to lie…kind of hard to believe. She’s singing some song that Scotty McCreery did on the show by Montgomery Gentry (I could have that wrong. Listening, watching and typing are two tasks more than I am capable of handling). So I guess by “Idol songs ” we mean “songs that at one time were sung on American Idol by a winner.” Her backup singers look like they’d rather be getting root canals. I actually like Janelle –  she seems really comfortable on stage. She had some bad notes and she has a habit of pulling the mic away while doing big notes (which is probably a good thing given some of those notes were off). Nicki is suddenly back. Wearing a hoodie and sunglasses (I actually thought it was a seat filler at first). Keith thinks it’s “great.” Nicki is not a huge fan of her song choice (but I’m not even sure Nicki was there for most of the performance, so it kind of doesn’t count). Randy concurs with Nicki. Mariah thinks she has a “star aura.” I give this an 8, in part for the shadowy stallion on her t-shirt.

America, Meet Paul and Devin.
America, Meet Paul and Devin.

Devin: The first of the Ambiguously Gay Duo is up! He’s singing a Carrie Underwood song, “Temporary Home” (we’re treated to a some good Carrie Underwood Before She Thinned Out and Got a Stylist footage). Devin has a nice voice but I am super bored. On the plus side, it’s giving me two minutes to eat Mr. Sesh’s ice cream (to be clear, that is not a euphemism). Keith thought it sucked (mmm… my words, technically), Nicki took her glasses off and thinks it was wonderful. It just occurred to me Nicki maybe didn’t have time to go to wardrobe and is literally wearing a sweatshirt and t-shirt. Randy thinks it was lame and Mariah expects more.  I give this a 5 for being snoozy.

Angie: Squirrel Head is up next (Mr. Sesh: “Who’s that chick with the big pouf on her head?” Me: “What?” Mr. Sesh: “The chick with the squirrel thing on her head.” Me: “Oh. Right. Angie.”) and Jimmy Iovine thinks she acts like a pageant girl (which… I do not see). She’s singing “I Surrender” by Celine Dion, because that’s not pagenty at all (apparently I missed the season that Celine Dion won American Idol). The squirrel on her head has been groomed so it looks more like regular hair, but the 50 Shades of Slutty Dominatrix dress doesn’t disappoint, nor does her epic, classic camera-following gaze. I thought this kind of sucked, and I think she’s normally pretty good. Maybe the song is just not my thing. Keith (who is quickly becoming the coherent Paula of the group) is a fan, Nicki is making some borderline creeper comments about Angie’s legs (and her ability to walk in heels, which, frankly, I’m jealous of ALL of these 18-year-old girls who can walk in heels). Randy kindly drops the “in it to win it” phrase and Mariah thinks it was “stellar” (then the audience sort of pauses and claps awkwardly. Mariah is great at making what are supposed to be grand, dramatic statements that completely fall flat).

Paul: The second half of the Ambiguously Gay Duo is up! Side note, how is this guy named Paul? He is not a Paul. Sorry. He’s just not. Someone (Jimmy Iovine) needs to tell him that. Also, Paul Jolley. Paul JOLLEY. I mean, there is no way this guy hasn’t performed on a cruise ship (although he did say he has never sang Broadway…so… maybe not). Another Scotty song! Well, “Amazed,” as done by Scotty. He’s trying really hard not to over sing/over perform it…it’s like you can see him trying to control his forehead and eyebrow expressions. Like a giant botox commercial. Also, there are falling rose petals on the video boards. Good to see they’re going to phone that part in again this year. Keith loves that song, Nicki’s sexual appetites are stimulated (which seems to make Mr. Jolley pretty uncomfortable). Randy thinks Paul’s been listening to Jimmy and “all of us” because god forbid he not get credit, and Mariah (who is mastering “exasperated”) says something that I completely failed to write down. For the second time tonight I have written ‘and Mariah’ and then nothing. I give this an 8.

Candice: Candice (who is wearing, to put it bluntly, a shit ton of makeup) is singing I (Who Have Nothing), which Jordin Sparks did back before she was collaborating with that douche bag Chris Brown (which, if we’re getting technical, was before we all KNEW that Chris Brown was, indeed, a douche bag, so I can’t be too hard on her). Candice has a pretty good voice. And Candice has a timpani player. Candice will win this all, and she better remember to thank her timpani player when the confetti is raining down. Randy thought it was “the greatest performance on this show of this Season 12 ever” (or similar). Mariah should lobby to go first sometimes, because we’ve all checked out by the time she begins to speak (well until she got in that comment about Ryan knowing how to work a skirt. zing!). I give her (Candice, not Ryan) a 9.

This pink shirt is more famous than I will ever be.
This pink shirt is more famous than I will ever be.

Lazaro: I’m still sad he’s not wearing his pink shirt (but he’s dressed like he’s doing the jive on Dancing With The Stars, so there’s still some blog fodder to be had).  Oh wait. Wait. There it is. The pink shirt. In the interview sequence. He’s singing “Breakaway” by Kelly Clarkson. Lazaro needs to take camera following lessons from Angie. The Richie Valens thing is kind of working for him from the neck up though. The Ronald McDonald shoes are not. We’ve gone from cracked desert to Windows 95 start-up screen (thanks mr. sesh) to generic pink clouds, which makes me think the guy operating the video board finally discovered what happens when he hits the “random” button. Keith asks Lazaro a question and then immediately regrets it. As does Lazaro. Randy starts with “For me” which is NEVER a good sign. Mariah talks about vulnerability and obstacles (“whatever they are” Read: I’m talking about your stutter, but I’m not going to say it). I give this a 7. I don’t like this song, but I do like Lazaro. And I want to see if the Pink Shirt makes it for 10 straight weeks of screen time).

Kree: Every time I see Kree I try to figure out who she looks like. Right now I’m thinking Demi Moore meets Liv Tyler When She Was Rounder meets the Biggest Kardashian Girl. She’s singing “Crying” by Roy Orbison/Carrie Underwood. I think Kree is one of the most commercially viable contestants they have. I don’t know if she has enough pizzazz (or teenage power voters) to win, but she could probably churn out a few country albums before fading into obscurity. Also, is her name really Kree? That seems contrived. Keith drops the annoying, overplayed “sing the phonebook” comment (which no one would want to listen to even if it was Whitney Houston at Her Peak Before Being Ravaged by Cocaine). Nicki tells us she eats waffles when she’s not working. I just realized Randy has a giant + Boy shirt on and a pin that says HI. Why have I not addressed Randy’s outfit? I’m slipping. I give this song a 7.5 because I was, well….bored. Again.  But her eye makeup was good. So… there’s that. Also, she goes in for the full frontal Ryan hug and then calls him Randy. I like her even more now.

Burnell, before discovering that magic that is the tapestry hat.
Burnell, before discovering that magic that is the tapestry hat.

Burnell: I still can not reconcile in my head that Burnell of the Tapestry Hats is the same guy that tried out looking like he just got off a shift at the local cannery. It’s like he tried out, then someone sent him through a Hipster Factory and now he wears dorky hats and glasses. The bad news for Burnell (who is singing Reuben Studdard [there’s a career to replicate…]) is that the stylists took all his signature looks away and now we’re all like “wait, who’s this dude in the leopard print shirt?” Also, side note, he’s wearing the same jacket at Paul Jolley. Times are apparently tough at American Idol. Keith thinks it’s great. Nicki admits she was obsessed with Reuben’s first album (he had an album?), I can’t score this because I wasn’t really listening. Sorry. My dog was doing something cute so I got distracted.

Amber:  Little Miss is predictably singing Kelly Clarkson “A Moment Like This”… Jimmy calls her pretty, which she immediately translates to “beautiful.” She does sort of look like a young Whitney (like, literally looks like her, not necessarily her voice). Hmm. Where do I begin with this? The song is way too fast so it loses all of its grandiosity because there’s no build up. Her outfit is all sorts of awful (get a glimpse of the mini boot/flats which she has paired with her flowing evening gown…)…and I think the fan guy forgot to start it going until about 30 seconds in. All the judges are DYING over this performance (apparently it was more exciting in person). Mariah says, I’m not even kidding “hashtag pow,” after previously mentioning twitter (Read: “I’m cool. I use Twitter. LOVE ME!!!!”)

Predicted Bottom 3: Devin, Curtis, Janelle (or maybe Amber. I know. Bold choice, esp given the pimp slot at the end).

Things I’m going to like about this season: Keith Urban’s accent, Nicki’s facial expressions (which have no filter), Keith Urban’s t-shirts, Nicki’s Hello Kitty mirror.

Things I’m going to hate about this season: Nicki’s fake British accent, Mariah’s worthless commentary, the fact that two hours of my life are sucked up by this shit.

XOXO,

The Sessionista

Off-Season American Idol News: Ryan Seacrest Will Outlive Them All

Good lord, I spend enough time writing about American Idol while it’s actually airing on TV, and now suddenly is blitzkrieg of American Idol news from left right and center (or from E! Online, US Weekly and Entertainment Tonight).

Apparently according to credible sources (and actual official statements, which normally no one waits for anymore), the judge’s table is being abandoned like it’s en fuego, with Steven Tyler leaving, Jennifer Lopez “considering” leaving (she’s clearly just being polite and/or waiting for a massive cash offer to keep her in place) and rumors of Randy Jackson being fired (because really, you’d have to pry his cold, dead body out of that chair before he’d leave voluntarily).

I find this all to be a bit of non-news really, since no one cares much about the judges since Simon Cowell and his tight, white, nipple baring t-shirts left the show. Well, and the sheer joy of anticipating a Paul Abdul live, on-camera meltdown. I will, however, miss JLo’s bipolar fashion sense (exquisite designer mini-dresses followed, inexplicably, by “dropped a deuce” leggings…I’ve cried physical tears over this). I will miss nothing about Steven Tyler because I have fast-forwarded over everything he’s said on the show.

And Randy, whose exit is clearly inevitable, well… I will miss him most of all. Who else is going to name drop with such clever abandon? Who else will send me into peals of laughter with his hideous faux prepster outfits? Whoever produced giant watches and ugly pins is surely weeping right now. And the creator of the Randy Jackson Name Dropping tumblr.

I mean, he actually APPROVED this artwork.
I mean, he actually APPROVED this artwork.

The most disturbing thing to come of this is the list of potential people to replace this trio of non-judging judges (because really, the most critical thing that has been said of anyone in the last two seasons is “I wasn’t really feeling it, dawg.”).  Adam Lambert’s name keeps popping up, which may be enough for me to close up shop on American Idol. The mere thought of him shrieking all of his critiques makes my brain hurt. The only plus side would be the undoubtably terrible outfits he’d choose (aka “blog fodder”) and all the angry social conservatives out there who would have their knickers in a twist over a (out) gay judge for this bastion of all things shiny and good.

Apparently keeping infant twins in Louis Vuitton is expensive, because the other name I keep hearing is Mariah Carey. Which, if Randy does somehow escape Nigel’s guillotine, would be awkward…you know, when it becomes apparent that Mariah is not, actually Randy’s “good friend.” Although would quite enjoy the sharp decline in Mariah audition songs and her diva antics. In short, I’d approve of MC being on the panel.

XOXO,

The Sessionista