Off-Season American Idol News: Ryan Seacrest Will Outlive Them All

Good lord, I spend enough time writing about American Idol while it’s actually airing on TV, and now suddenly is blitzkrieg of American Idol news from left right and center (or from E! Online, US Weekly and Entertainment Tonight).

Apparently according to credible sources (and actual official statements, which normally no one waits for anymore), the judge’s table is being abandoned like it’s en fuego, with Steven Tyler leaving, Jennifer Lopez “considering” leaving (she’s clearly just being polite and/or waiting for a massive cash offer to keep her in place) and rumors of Randy Jackson being fired (because really, you’d have to pry his cold, dead body out of that chair before he’d leave voluntarily).

I find this all to be a bit of non-news really, since no one cares much about the judges since Simon Cowell and his tight, white, nipple baring t-shirts left the show. Well, and the sheer joy of anticipating a Paul Abdul live, on-camera meltdown. I will, however, miss JLo’s bipolar fashion sense (exquisite designer mini-dresses followed, inexplicably, by “dropped a deuce” leggings…I’ve cried physical tears over this). I will miss nothing about Steven Tyler because I have fast-forwarded over everything he’s said on the show.

And Randy, whose exit is clearly inevitable, well… I will miss him most of all. Who else is going to name drop with such clever abandon? Who else will send me into peals of laughter with his hideous faux prepster outfits? Whoever produced giant watches and ugly pins is surely weeping right now. And the creator of the Randy Jackson Name Dropping tumblr.

I mean, he actually APPROVED this artwork.
I mean, he actually APPROVED this artwork.

The most disturbing thing to come of this is the list of potential people to replace this trio of non-judging judges (because really, the most critical thing that has been said of anyone in the last two seasons is “I wasn’t really feeling it, dawg.”).  Adam Lambert’s name keeps popping up, which may be enough for me to close up shop on American Idol. The mere thought of him shrieking all of his critiques makes my brain hurt. The only plus side would be the undoubtably terrible outfits he’d choose (aka “blog fodder”) and all the angry social conservatives out there who would have their knickers in a twist over a (out) gay judge for this bastion of all things shiny and good.

Apparently keeping infant twins in Louis Vuitton is expensive, because the other name I keep hearing is Mariah Carey. Which, if Randy does somehow escape Nigel’s guillotine, would be awkward…you know, when it becomes apparent that Mariah is not, actually Randy’s “good friend.” Although would quite enjoy the sharp decline in Mariah audition songs and her diva antics. In short, I’d approve of MC being on the panel.


The Sessionista