The Bachelorette: All the Guys Sound Boring

Remember, Becca… when someone hands you a black lace blazer, you don’t HAVE to accept it.

With Rachel, we had “All the Guys Sound Terrible” and with Becca, we have moved on to “All the Guys Sound Boring” (I suppose Boring is better than Terrible? Not for television, but for LIFE).

Now is the time for us to review, prod, judge and make sweeping claims with zero background or insight, into the 27 men looking to “do the damn thing” with Becca. Let’s agree to never say that again, Becca, and we’ll consider this a win.

Follow along with these bios by clicking on ABC’s Cast page! All of these completely subjective opinions are based on one headshot and two-three lines of marketing copy so you know…caveat emptor.

Alex, 31, Atlanta: Skis, boats, has a dog. A strong frontrunner, based solely on his bio and headshot.

Blake, 28, Colorado: Vaguely looks like Andy Samberg. Described as both a “high school and collegiate athlete.” Referencing your high school successes in your late 20s – not a good look, Blake.

Blake and Andy
I’m sure IRL he looks nothing like Andy Samberg, but in this press photo, they look like twinsies.

Chase, 27, Florida: Chase played baseball in the College World Series. I’m sensing a theme here.

Chris, 30, Florida: “Originally from New York, Chris has embraced the sunny Florida life since he was a kid.” Chris is really reaching for that NY cred. He, like every other man on this show, is “extremely passionate about fitness and health.” Looking forward to the guy that says he embraces “pizza, ice cream and Netflix marathons.”

Christian, 28, San Diego: Originally from Mexico, played ‘semi-professional soccer’ in the U.S. until “injury forced him to retire.” We now have the following sports represented: Skiing, Baseball, Football, and Soccer. We’re a basketball and hockey player away from every major American sport being represented in this cast.

Christon, 31, Los Angeles: Christon with an “O” – former player for the Harlem Globetrotters. Well, that was quick – we’re now 5 for 5 on athletes!

Clay, 30, Chicago: Clay’s photo looks like he wants to consume you. His job is “pro football player” (I’m going out on a limb and say he plays in a league OTHER than the NFL*). He doesn’t curse, which I find fucking INSUFFERABLE. *Crawling back up that limb, he has played in the NFL for quite awhile, although it sounds like he’s basically out of it now.

Colton, 26, Denver: FORMER pro football player. HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA. I’m enjoying Clay’s alphabetic dominance, in both his name and his career.

It’s almost as if when his parents named him, they knew he’d grow up to look exactly like this.

Connor, 25, Florida. Connor is a Fitness Coach, but ‘had the opportunity to play professional baseball for the Atlanta Braves” which I’m translating into “did not, actually, ever play baseball for the Atlanta Braves.”

Darius, 26, California. Our first pharma sales rep of the season (there’s always at least one). He likes traveling and dancing and OH MY GOD we’ve reached the first non-professional/semi-professional/former athlete! Points to Darius for breaking the mold.

David, 25, Denver. David is described as a Venture Capitalist. David (or his family, more likely) is rich and I know this because he enjoys “rich people sports” (golfing and skiing) and spending time at his family’s ‘beach house.’ “David loves guacamole, but hates avocado. Hopefully, that’s not a deal breaker for the Bachelorette!” Well David, it is for me, because that’s one of the stupidest things I’ve read on a Bachelor bio (AND MY GOD, STUPID THINGS ARE THE ESSENCE OF BACHELOR BIOS).

Grant, 27, California. Grant is embracing his blue collar family roots – he’s a 4th generation electrician (this family LOVES wiring). Grant is one of those people who seems super normal on paper and is probably the type of person you date IRL (but not so much on the Bachelorette).

Garrett, 29, Reno. Our second medical sales rep! He’s “excited to find love with the Bachelorette…down by the river!” When I think of the phrase “down by the river,” I automatically think of depressing songs where bad shit happens (think Richard Marx’s “Hazard,” and Springsteen’s “The River”), so this line would not work on me. Also, his eyes are disconcertingly wide-set. I’m sorry, I had to say it.

Jake, 29, Minneapolis. I think Jake was hired solely because he is from Minneapolis. He likes poetry and bungee jumping and as such, I hate him. (also, since I burned Garrett, I need to point out that Jake’s eyes are disconcertingly CLOSE set, and perhaps having these guys next to each other on the photo bios is really exacerbating these conditions). Also, Jake is either vaguely cross-eyed, or he pissed off whomever signs off on the headshots.

I mean really

Jason, 29, Seattle. Jason is a SENIOR corporate banker (not to be confused with those shitty, underpaid junior corporate bankers).  He’s a New York native and likes singing Disney tunes. A hard pass, even though he’s “from” Seattle.

Jean Blanc, 31, Florida. Jean Blanc has an unusual name (for an American) and an unusual profession (a colognoisseur). Do I know what a colognoisseur is? No. Do you? No. I’m guessing it’s someone who designs cologne. I’m now googling it. The first five results include references to The Bachelorette (testimony to both the Bachelorettes’ SEO-worthiness AND the fact this is obviously some made up bullshit because the first page of results does not include any sort of definition for the word). I’m done with you and your career shenanigans, Jean Blanc. Update: JB is Haitian and collects cologne. He works in finance. He will be gone on night one, so this is the most coverage he’s getting.

Joe, 31, Chicago. Joe’s bio includes grocery store puns, which I am not here for.

John, 29, San Francisco. He is a tech guy (shocking) who claims to make world famous banana bread (you have my attention…).

Jordan, 26, Florida. Jordan is a Ken doll, come to life. His doppelganger is, indeed, a plastic doll. I thought this before clicking into his bio, where I then find he’s a ‘male model’ (the word ‘male’ here seems quite redundant.). Also, Jordan claims to have run a 4.24 mile, which I’d like to see put to test on the Bachelor. That is VERY fast.

Jordan and Ken
It really forces us all to consider the question, “Can a man and a plastic doll be related?”

Kamil, 30, New York. Kamil’s job is a “social media participant” which I guess means he’s a jobless 30 year old with a Facebook account. Likes: real estate and modeling. Dislikes: Spiders. Our third immigrant!

Leo, 31, California. His hair is a non-starter.

Lincoln, 26, Los Angeles. Lincoln looks friendly and approachable (win!). Also an immigrant (we’re at 4). Lincoln would “love to have a big family to make his mom proud” which seems like not the BEST reason to have a big family.

Mike, 27, Ohio.  In dire need of a hair cut, Mike enjoys ‘festivals, horse races and state fairs” and his bulldog Riggins. The only points he gets is for his dog’s name, aka the best FNL character. Also, Mike is a sports analyst, so he can analyze 80% of his fellow competitors on this show.

Nick, 27, Florida. Florida is really disproportionately represented on this show. Nick wears tracksuits and is an attorney.

Rickey, 27, San Diego. Rickey looks very friendly and seems like the type of guy that would have a really loud, boisterous laugh. He’s looking for woman who can “keep up with his lifestyle” whatever that means.

Ryan, 26, California. Ryan looks SUPER nice and then I saw he is a banjoist and I really wish that was not his occupation byline.

Trent, 28, Florida. Another Floridian, Trent is a realtor who also dabbles in modeling (oh to dabble in modeling!). He voluntarily shared with the world that he has been on the cover of romance novels, and there is a 75% chance his intro stunt will be handing Becca a novel with him on the cover. Maybe 90%.

Wills, 29, Los Angeles.  Wills seems super normal, which is often the kiss of death on the Bachelor/ette.

My casting take-aways:

  1. It’s a sporty (thus, competitive) group. The one-upsmanship on night one should be VERY VERY good.
  2. It’s heavily California (10) / Florida (7) based. (4) are from the Midwest (aka where Becca lives, if we all pretend that Becca and her future short-term fiancée aren’t going to move to LA after this little show).
  3. There’s not really a distinctive look to the cast, pretty mixed up. Other than the usual “fit, square-jawed” approach of every season ever.
  4. I see no obvious front runners. The bios this year are very boring so it’s not as easy to suss out crazy. I’d say Alex and Colton are sure fire bets to make it far. On paper and photo-wise, I guess I’d put my money on Alex.
  5. There are no obvious whackadoodles, which bums me out, from a viewership standpoint (but good for Becca!).

The Bachelor Finale: One Lonely Reindeer, a Metaphor

Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve come to the conclusion of another long season of watching a group of celebrity-craving people grapple for their fifteen minutes to six months of fame (possibly stretched out to two to three years, if they play their cards right).

I watched the finale with three girlfriends, a bottle of Dom Perignon and an exceedingly well behaved infant, so I may have missed a bit of the show (again, no fault of that baby. Baby was entranced by The Bachelor. BABY KNOWS GOOD TV), but really it’s pretty easy to recap what happened even if I had not watched any of it, because this show follows a very specific formula.

We kicked off the show with a meaningless “Chris Harrison on a Soundstage” intro (I assume he was just trying to make up for the fact he was barely on this season, but my god his work tonight literally consisted of him offering meaningless intros and outros between commercial breaks. WHY. IS. HE. HERE?)

An assortment of lucky (unlucky? You choose.) Viall family members were whisked away from their freezing cold homes in Wisconsin to an even colder Finland, where they sat down and watched Nick parade his last two lady loves around. Nick’s sister Bella was solidly Team Raven (speaking of Team Raven – is it possible Bella was named after the Twilight character? She’s in the age range of being a Twilight baby. See? This is how bored I was.) and looked like she wanted to push Vanessa into a snowbank.  Full disclosure – I missed most of the family stuff but I presume it went something like:

Nick’s mom: “They’re both really lovely.”

Nick’s dad: “Son, I just want you to be happy and stop going on national television and embarrassing your mother and all of your siblings. My god, even our dog was hiding under the rug with shame.”

Or something like that.

Moving along, Nick dismissed his family back to Wisco and went on a date with Vanessa. “Date” is a really generous, nice word. More like something out of a fever dream. They rode horses to a tiny shack in the woods (ugh) and met with, THIS IS NOT A JOKE, a Finnish dude dressed up as Santa Claus. First, isn’t Santa Claus a German construct? Second, it’s fucking March, no one cares about Santa Claus right now. Third, WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH THE BACHELOR? I just find “adults hanging out with SC” to be exceedingly disturbing. Especially on a show about romantic love.  He gave them a woodcutting with some really poorly executed caricatures and their Finnish names (I think, my Finnish is…nonexistent). I just kept screaming “THROW THAT THING INTO THE FIRE LIKE YOUR LOVE” but they did not, sadly, oblige.

I challenge you to find any similarities between these people and the drawing on that woodcut, other than Vanessa’s hat.

Then there were some tears and doubts and stuff, and they had a normal real conversation (BORING) and then I faded out for a few minutes and when I came to, it was on to the Raven Date.

Raven had the Best Date Ever, which I guess was Nick’s attempt to make up for the fact he was about to dump her. Raven got to play with husky puppies. They spent entirely too little time on this (I could have watched the puppies in the snow for the entire show, we got about 3 minutes of footage).

All of my time spent watching this show was worth it, for this very moment.

Then they went ice skating, where we learned Nick is a terrible dancer (ice dancer, anyway) and has no chance in a million years of doing ANYTHING on Dancing with the Stars. We even rewound to watch it twice. It. Was. Bad.   (Sidenote: During the ice skating scene, they played “Kiss Me” and I was like “The Cardigans!” and my friend’s husband, while artfully lounging in a chair, drinking a beer AND feeding an infant, just burned me with “Sixpence, son!” and I was chastened and ashamed and put in my place. I’m an embarrassment to the 90s. My apologies to Sixpence None the Richer.)

weeks not over
Nick, demonstrating how much his feelings can change in the space of 48 hours.

After the dates, we revved up to the Someone Gets Dumped portion of the show (the end is in sight!). Nick wandered around in the snow looking like he was thinking hard about thinking hard. Raven put on her spangle dress and black cape and enthusiastically waxed on and on about how she was soon going to be engaged (a sure sign that she was getting dumped). Vanessa put on her Jessica Rabbit dress and fur stole and sang a dynamic rendition of Oh Canada (kidding. Sadly). We sat around wondering what Raven was going to do with that full length velvet cape once she headed back to Hoxie, Arkansas.

The reindeer wondered when it was going to get untied from the fence (answer: Never).

The black Mercedes AWD European crossover pulled up to Nick’s cabin (why was this inside? I wanted a full blown evening event in in the Finnish winter) and out stepped…. Raven. Not shocking. Chris Harrison gave her the sorrowful look he gives all the rejects and she was sent into The Room of Dead Reindeer Skins (so in hindsight, that one reindeer is STOKED to be outside tied to the fence).

Raven immediately launched into her I Love You So Much speech and Nick looked like he was going to vomit (literally, his face actually looked puckish). Raven, not reading the room, continued. Nick, being an asshole, let her go on. Then he did the classic “I love you but I’m not IN LOVE with you” bit and, kudos to Raven, she took it like a champ. She worked up one or two tears that stayed firmly within her eyelids and then was like “OK NBD!” and was packed into the Shame Mercedes where again, she looked pretty OK with it all. This is a sign of just how boring this season got, post-Corrine. The loser didn’t even have a sob fest or WHY NOT ME moment in the limo (well, she did say something about “why does no one love me?” which was sad, but you know, she’ll get past it).

Next up, the Mercedes dropped of Vanessa and Chris Harrison’s entire body language just shouted “HE PICKED YOU!”. In this scene, Vanessa says nothing and Nick starts talking and I’m sure he mentioned something about love, beauty and his innate desire to not move to Canada, but I can’t be sure because I was again distracted by the pile of dead reindeer in the corner. He proposed. She said yes. We can all assume they will never get married. The end.

the ring
Vanessa should find a way to keep this and sell it and live comfortably for the next few years.

I have not watched The Bachelor religiously, but this year just seemed incredibly anti-climactic. Not sure if it’s always that way or not, but everything about this episode (minus the puppies) was a dud.

We end with a review the Winners and Losers of the Bachelor Finale:


Raven: She is not engaged to Nick.

Finland: Not going to lie, Finland did a good job of selling itself.

Me: I finally got to drink Dom Perignon, a highlight in my drinking career. CHEERS, BITCHES.



Vanessa: She is engaged to Nick

Chris Harrison: The desperation to stay relevant was palpable.

That Reindeer: Seriously, someone go check on that reindeer.

Before we go, let’s revisit my initial impressions of the Final Four, which I had made based solely on their online profiles:


Original impression: “Has the most boring profile so far (which hey, probably means she’s really nice and normal IRL, so there’s that).”

Post show impression: This is what it looks like to be wrong about something.


Original impression: “Rachel has Angela Bassett-quality arms, a physical trait I really admire. She also sounds like a really smart, well-rounded, successful person, so I don’t know why she is on this show. She’s the type of person I would want to win, but for the fact she is clearly far too good for this shit.”

Post show impression: This is what it looks like to be right about something!


Original impression: “Raven looks exactly like you would imagine someone named “raven” to look. To the point I wonder if it is her real name. She’s from a town called Hoxie, Arkansas, which sounds pretty awful (but maybe is nice!). Favorite profile moment: “Who is your favorite actor and why? Brittany Murphy (when she was alive).”

Post show impression: I would never have guessed Raven was making it to the Top 4, much less the Top 2. She was a completely inoffensive, non-confrontational nice girl. Except when she told the world she beat up her ex-boyfriend with a shoe.


Original Impression: “Vanessa is another person that seems really normal. Her most intriguing profile moment: “If you could be any fruit or vegetable, which one would you be? An onion because they’re a staple item and can be found all year round.” Ok.

Post show impression: Vanessa seemed like a likely candidate to win it all from basically the first episode. She consistently led in the Power Rankings. She’s like the Duke basketball of The Bachelor.

Congratulations Vanessa, on your moment in the spotlight. See if you can keep that ring when you break up.

the exit
Me, to this blog.


The Bachelor Power Rankings, Week 10: Nick Sleeps With Three Women Then Dumps One.

Fantasy Suite week is so brutal. The premise is basically “sleep with three women in one week, then dump one!” FUN! So, so fun for everyone involved. Especially Raven, it would appear. If I was Raven and someone pitched that “I Just Got Laid and I’m SO HAPPY!” dance scene, I would have asked a PA to replicate it and then given it a hard pass. I WOULD HAVE WALKED OFF SET BEFORE AGREEING TO PARTAKE IN THAT STUPID SCENE. My god people, let that woman have a shred of dignity.

Nope. No dignity left to be had on this show.

The rest of the show isn’t even worth recapping, but here are a few takeaways:

  1. Rachel is bad at cross-country skiing. She lives in Dallas, so NBD.
  2. Rachel owns a penguin onesie.
  3. Finnish reindeer are ADORABLE.
  4. Vanessa could seamlessly be placed in a mid-90s episode of Baywatch and would not look anachronistic (not a diss, she just really would have shined in the 1990s)
  5. Sleeping with someone and then breaking up with them later in the week – so douchy (Nick, and probably every other contestant that came before him). But still.
  6. Raven wore pants to the Rose Ceremony, because it’s Finland in the dead of winter and evening gowns are really a touch out of place.
  7. Rachel is moving on to MUCH BETTER THINGS (I hope)
  8. Vanessa is definitely ‘winning’ this thing.
Finnish Baywatch
Is a caption really needed here?

I have only watched about twenty minutes of the Women Tell All show (aka, last grasp at fame), but a few observations:

  1. A large portion of the women were dressed and styled more for a Miss America pageant than a talk show program.
  2. Liz was almost unrecognizable. She was incredibly pretty on The Bachelor, even when she had very little make up on, so I’m not sure why she went Full Pageant on us.
  3. Just… Josephine.
  4. Danielle M. needed a sweater.
  5. There was a girl who I literally kept saying “who is that?” every time they panned to her (NOT Whitney)
  6. In the first twenty minutes there was numerous moments where the women were just shouting over each other like a bad episode of Maury Povich and oddly Corrine is the one who just sat there looking like the normal one.
It’s not a good move to be literally unrecognizable. OR IS IT THE SMARTEST MOVE EVER?
weird outfits
It FEELS like Kristina and Whitney are the only people appropriately dressed for this taping. Where did Danielle find that white satin pantsuit? WHERE DO YOU FIND SOMETHING LIKE THAT? 

Coming up next: THE FINALE, THANK GOD.

The Bachelor Power Rankings, Week 9: Raven Goes to Finland

Last night I experienced epic highs and lows. High: OMG THIS EPISODE IS ONLY ONE HOUR! Low: “Next week on a special three hour episode of The Bachelor….”. Sigh. It was good while it lasted.

This episode felt like some sort of bastard remnant that they didn’t know what to do with. We started out by watching Nick and Andi have an incredibly staged scene (favorite quote: “the last thing I expected to see when I opened that door was Andi.”). Please Nick, we are not stupid enough to think this shit happens spontaneously. All I want to know is HOW MANY TIMES DID YOU GUYS FILM THAT DOOR OPENING SCENE? They used the take wherein he looked literally less surprised than when CORRINE was standing at his door. And we all knew Corrine was going to be standing outside his door at some point.

Which brings us, naturally, to Corrine. Nick finally had to partake in a Rose Ceremony (former staple of the show, now long forgotten). We all knew Raven was making it through because this show prides itself on previewing what’s “coming up later on The Bachelor” (GUYS, IT WAS ONLY A 54 MINUTE SHOW, THIS WAS NOT NECESSARY) which included a shot of Raven, Nick and a fuck ton of snow.  They showed us this PRIOR to the Rose Ceremony, so clearly we knew Raven was a lock. Apparently ‘suspense’ is not something the Producers are interested in any more (although god knows we’ve seen enough mysterious headless women walking down hotel corridors to last a life time).

“Sorry ladies, this is the only place you can stand where the name of the hotel is also readable and god knows we’re not paying for locations anymore, so I hope you didn’t spend too much on those dresses that no one can see!”

Anyway, I digress. Raven gets through. Rachel the Next Bachelorette gets through. It’s down to Corrine and Vanessa. I would have at least had some suspense at this point because I thought Corrine was a LOCK for the Fantasy Suite, but I had already seen on the Interwebs that Corrine got to boot. Corrine seemed genuinely upset, probably because A- no one ever tells her no and B- she likes winning. Nick packed her off to the limo in a really disturbingly similar scene to when I got dumped at age 16 (minus the limo, the champagne, and the mid 30s reality TV star).

I’m sure her tears dried rapidly when she realized how great getting kicked off really is. It lines up never ending interviews with morning shows and a permanent place on Bachelor Paradise. And the bonus of not being engaged to some rando you met on a TV show, at the ripe, fun age of 25 [WHY WOULD THIS WOMAN WANT TO BE MARRIED? SHE LIVES IN MIAMI WITH AN ENDLESS SHOPPING BUDGET AND A GOD DAMN NANNY WHO CUTS HER CUCUMBERS FOR HER]. Sorry. Had a moment where I mistakenly thought this show was about finding a husband. Remembered it’s about finding B-list fame, and thus I once again understand her sadness.

Corrine and her glass of champers head off into the fierce winds of New York (all those dresses, RUINED by having to wear winter coats). We head to Finland. North Finland. In the winter. WHO NEEDS DAYLIGHT?

Finland’s Tourism Department sponsors the rest of the show, so I hope you all are ready for a LOT of snow, northern lights (real or edited), and fur trimmed hats (which I object to).  Plane tickets? Courtesy of FINNAIR! Lodging? Courtesy of a FINN HOTEL WITH A LOT OF VOWELS! Filming Locations? COURTESY OF THE GOD DAMN TAX PAYING PEOPLE OF FINLAND.  (Not to wreck this for Finland, but it feels like you could get a lot of that stuff [snow, extreme cold, caribou, northern lights] by just heading to Northern Canada)

We settle into some incredibly boring Nick and Raven footage – talking about folding laundry (UGH), playing human darts (WEIRD), gazing at each other (SO BORING). Me, to Bill, three minutes into Finland: “I already miss Corrine. Oh my God. This show sucks when it’s just normal people talking about normal things married people do.”

Lucky for us the hot toddies of Finland are just pure alcohol, because suddenly Raven decides to get really open and sharesie with us, the noble viewer.  Previous blog entries have shown that I. Do. Not. Like. Squirmy. Moments. Raven informs the producer who’s doing her interview, the cameraperson who’s taping it, the caribou of Finland and about 5 million viewers (off the cuff estimate of The Bachelor viewership) that she has only had sex with one guy and that said guy had not ever given her an orgasm.

Ok. So a few things to unpack here.

  1. She’s 25
  2. She has dated one guy for two years
  3. She never told him she loved him, and was not in love with him (murky, but I think that’s what she said).
  4. He only told her he loved her when he was intoxicated
  5. He is the only guy she has had sex with
  6. He apparently is pretty shitty in bed
  7. She felt the need to bring this up on national TV (thus saving a terribly boring episode)
  8. SHE KICKED IN THIS GUY’S DOOR AND STABBED HIM WITH HER HEEL WHEN SHE FOUND HIM CHEATING ON HER (see Week 4). Imagine what she’d have done to a guy she really loved!
  9. I feel really bad for Raven.

We move on to the evening’s finale! Grab your complimentary sweaters (Nick – a massive, throat-strangling turtleneck, Raven – a neckless, shoulderless, gravity defying number)! Turn your chairs at 45 degree angles! It’s non-dinner time!

Gravity, meet Raven’s sweater. Raven’s sweater, meet gravity! NOW DEFY IT. (also, obvs I took this screen cap from someone else because I didn’t take the time to insert lettering or emojis).

Over a lovely non-dinner of caribou and wine, they start talking. Nick asks her direct questions and she responds vaguely and without opinion (this I my problem with Raven. Other than “southern,” she doesn’t seem to have a lot of personality or…opinions. Even on incredibly softball questions). After a bit of gazing into each other’s eyes, Raven decides she MUST tell Nick she loves him. She delivers a full on soliloquy that ends with “I love you.” Nick swoops in for the kiss. Her slouchy sweater somehow miraculously stays on. She tells him she is accepting his Fantasy Suite invitation and then, in my favorite moment in the history of television, casually drops the “oh and btw I’ve never had an orgasm, so you know, NO PRESSURE or anything….” Nick’s face is just like “What. The. Fuck.” I mean, I even felt bad for him, and that is saying a lot.

“He was a man that loved a good turtleneck sweater. Little did he know that one day that sweater would strangle the life out of him. RIP, Nick Viall.”

They relax into a bed to watch the fake northern lights and that’s the end of the show. Well, not the total end. We are then treated to Chris Harrison making a “SATISFYING night” joke, and Nick doing a completely unnecessary Rocky 4 re-enactment (AS IF FINLAND IS THE SOVIET UNION). Bill’s level of disgust with this outshone any other moment in The Bachelor’s run this season so it was REALLY OFFENSIVE.

Bachelor Power Rankings Week 9:

  1. Someone that wins (but really LOSES)
  2. Someone that doesn’t win (but really WINS)
  3. Someone that has a small chance of going back to their normal life and not letting this taint the next 2-3 years of their existence.
Never mind, looks like he survived the sweater murder. Yayyyy.

The Bachelor Power Rankings, Week 8: A Tale of Four Cities

The Bachelor Hometown Dates: A Tale of Four Cities (well, three cities and one very tiny town).

Hoxie, Arkansas: Raven

Random Arkansas Fact: Every so often I like to pronounce it ARE-CAN-SASS.

The Date: First, I have no idea why Raven is still on this show, but she is and it allowed me to spend five revolting minutes gagging at my TV, so I guess it’s a good thing she made it to hometowns. Raven’s “day in the life” date consisted of her picking him up on a ATV and then driving that ATV through a swamp (at one point they looked to be traveling at DANGEROUSLY high speeds but let’s be real, I know NOTHING of ATVs/quads/whatever the heck people call this things).  They then proceeded to chase each other around the shallow swamp water (gross), take off Nick’s shirt (seems like a bad idea), and then LAY DOWN IN FOUR INCHES OF DISGUSTING SWAMP WATER (fucking negligent). Raven was on the bottom, aka the most immersed in the swamp (maybe this is something she is comfortable with, as a native)? Where do I begin??? Insects, leeches, snakes, ALL MATTER OF BACETERIAL AND PROTOZOAL NASTINESS. I presume Raven is dead now, right? No one could survive that.  After that they visited a grain elevator and had a fake encounter with a cop (Raven’s brother). He used the siren just a TOUCH too many times to make it seem credible, IMHO.

This is the grossest thing ever broadcast on network television.

The Family: The best part of this date were the scenes with Raven and her parents. Raven’s parents broke the news to Raven that her dad is now cancer free (yay!) and they all cried and forgot Nick was there.

Verdict: This entire date just reinforced the idea that Raven is not the winner. It was the first date shown, it had the least amount of air time and there was hardly any interaction between Raven/Nick/Raven’s parents, other than the obligatory “so are you ok if I propose to your daughter?” BS.

Dallas, Texas: Rachel

Best Part About This Date: Knowing Rachel is definitely not dating Nick as of February 2017.

The Date: The Rachel/Nick interaction is just bizarre to watch because we all know they are not together (which is not to say we know she does not win. She could technically have won, and they are already broken up). Rachel takes Nick to her mega church, which is predominantly black. Nick looks INCREDIBLY uncomfortable, while his voiceover tells us about how comfortable he is. They then head over to Rachel’s house to meet her mother, two sisters and a cousin. Her older sister Constance is married to Nick 2.0, so he’s not the only white guy in the room. They have a lot of serious, valid conversations about interracial dating (Nick: I don’t see her color. Rachel’s Mom: Well, you may not but the world does.). The person that seems most concerned about the white/black aspect is her sister Constance which is either makes total sense or no sense at all (I can’t decide).

The Parents: Rachel’s dad is unable to attend due to “work conflict” which I presume to be “I’m a fucking Federal Judge, I’m not going on The Bachelor” (fair enough). Rachel’s mom seems lovely. Her family seems very buoyant and fun (which is good, since we’ll see them on The Bachelorette!).

Verdict: Good date, even though something eventually goes sideways. My theory is she is Top 2 and is the runner up to Vanessa, or she “wins” and they are already broken up. She keeps saying she’s super into Nick, so I can’t see it being that she drops out.

“Can we just hurry up and get to the part where I get to date 25 guys?”

Miami, Florida: Corrine

Biggest Moment: Meeting the oft-discussed Raquel (again, just… not the name of a nanny, maid, etc)

The Date: A day in the life of Corrine includes some retail therapy, so we’re treated to fifteen amazing minutes of the two of them shopping at a Miami boutique (although they cut it so it looked like they were going to multiple stores, and that all these shop workers knew Corrine. It was all the same store. Just saying.). He does a Pretty Woman fashion show with four horrible Miami outfits (including a strange amount of winter wear, considering it’s Florida) and then one Nick-approved outfit. The total bill is $3,400, which Corrine pays for with her Platinum AmEx which we all know is paid for by her dad. By my count he got a sweater, a pair of pants, some shoes and possibly a peacoat.  Good for him. Next they have lunch, and Corrine announces “I…love you.” in the most lackadaisical, unenthusiastic, slightly confused declaration of love, ever. Nick does his usual thing to make women stop talking (kisses her).

When I think Miami, I think puffers, fur and earmuffs.

The Family: I’ve been waiting all season for this and it did not disappoint. Corrine’s parents sound like they were just imported from Long Island. Her dad is MAGNIFICENT. He is loud. He is dressed like every other mid-50s guy that lives in the Miami/Palm Beach area. Their waterfront condo is a hodgepodge delight of décor that I gleefully soaked in. Her sister Taylor somehow (how?) looks like she is living in 1999.  They sit down to dinner (Raquel serves them and then sits down with them, but my immediate question is DOES SHE EAT WITH THEM ALL THE TIME?). Corrine’s mom says “I can’t live without Raquel” WHILE RAQUEL IS SERVING HER A GLASS OF WINE. It’s just an impeccably executed editing and producing job, capped off at the end when the camera pans from Raquel cleaning up the dishes to the family looking out the window cooing at Nick and Corrine down below. Corrine tells everyone that “the girls” tried to use Raquel against her and her dad is like “Well how do they even know about Raquel?” (fair) and we’re all going WELL YOU TOLD EVERYONE SHE WAS YOUR EFFING NANNY, WHICH CLEARLY IS WEIRD AS A 24 YEAR OLD AND AN ACCEPTABLE THING FOR PEOPLE TO MALIGN.

We then move on to “Has Anyone Else Ever Done This in the History of the World?” scene, with “this”= lounging on your bed drinking a glass of red wine with your father.  My favorite interaction:

Corrine: I am in love with Nick.

Corrine’s Dad: You’ve barely spent time with him.

Corrine: I’ve been dating him a month and a half!


All of us, reacting to everything Corrine ever says.

Again, Corrine’s dad is THE BEST. He then grills her about what Nick does and his earning potential, and asks her if she’s OK being the primary breadwinner since clearly she’s accustomed to a certain lifestyle. The phrase “primary breadwinner” and “Corrine” don’t really go hand in hand in my mind, but maybe as she gets older she’ll discover her inner businesswoman.

Nick sits down with both Corrine’s dad (they drink 15 year old scotch from wine glasses with thumb indents, so that should just tell you everything you need to know) and Raquel (she’s been working with Corrine’s family for 17 years but her English seems…. Like someone who does not speak English very frequently. You know, like someone whose main job is to cut cucumbers and make cheese pasta). Nick says the same thing he says to every parent/nanny, which is “I really like your daughter, if we end up together are you OK with that?” Parents/nanny seem fine with it.

Verdict: This episode continued to make Corrine seem more likeable (not to be confused with someone I like, or admire, or would spend time around). Just… vaguely likeable. I still don’t think they end up together (my god, she’s only 24!!) but she’ll stick around to Top 2 or Top 3.

Montreal, Quebec: Vanessa

Best part about this date: The incredibly diverse accents within Vanessa’s family. Every person has a different accent (French Canadian, Canadian-American, Italian, Italian-French-Canadian and Vanessa’s strangely American accent).

The Date: Vanessa takes Nick to the school she teaches at (bonus points to Vanessa – her day in the life date is literally a regular day in her life). We find out her students are adult special needs students. She is clearly BELOVED by her students, which was incredibly refreshing to see, and she is clearly VERY into her job. It was the most energetic and passionate we’ve seen her be on the entire show.

The Parents: Vanessa’s parents are divorced, and Nick is going to meet them separately. The first is with her mother’s side, which is huge. We have some Italian grandparents, some siblings and some aunts and other friends. They all sit around the table peppering Nick with questions. THEY. ARE. NOT. IMPRESSED. Vanessa relies heavily on her family’s opinions, which seem to be hovering around “tolerate.” Nick sits down with her mom and when she asks what he likes about her he says: “Well when she stepped out of the limo I was really impressed.” Oh boy. Not sure if this was editing or nerves, but my god what a terrible response. Her mom was like “Yeah, I know she’s pretty, but I’m not really interested in that…” Vanessa’s (very intense) sister also didn’t seem to be a fan. Everyone wants to know what Nick’s post-show plans are (if history is any indication, his plans are to be on another TV show). Apparently Nick and Vanessa have not discussed the fact that they live in two different countries.  Vanessa leaves the date hoping things get better after they visit her dad.

Things do not get better after they visit her dad.

Nick sits down with her dad and asks if her dad would give his blessing should Nick propose. Vanessa’s dad is like “Uh… I barely know you. You are dating three other women. Did you ask this of their families?” Nick tries to dodge the question. Vanessa’s dad persists. Nick is like “well yeah, basically” and Vanessa’s dad’s face exhibits the disgust we all feel when we think about what this show actually entails.  Her dad eventually vaguely acquiesces with a veritable shoulder shrug of “eh, fine. I guess.” END OF DATE.

This man has no time or patience for reality stars. HE SEES THROUGH YOUR CHARADES.

Verdict: I think Vanessa “wins” this season.

The show ends with all four women reconvening in New York City, with Raven wondering if she should have told him that she loves him, Rachel wondering why the fuck she’s on this show, Corrine wondering how far she can go with the Bachelor Nation Franchise and Vanessa wondering why Nick is still dating three other women.

The show ends with Andi Dorfman showing up and knocking on Nick’s door. Nick’s lack of surprise indicates he was forewarned by the producers. All I know about Andi is that she wrote a book and in it implied that Nick is a very awkward sexual partner, so next week SHOULD BE FILLED WITH INCREDIBLE AWKWARDNESS! YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

Final Four Seeding:

  1. Vanessa
  2. Rachel
  3. Corrine
  4. Raven

The Bachelor Power Rankings, Week 6: Remind Me Again When Hometowns Are?


Let’s begin with the sad news that my Final Four is completely busted and all my teams are on buses (limos) heading back to their schools (modest hometown fame/future stints on Bachelor Paradise).

Somewhere along the way this show became a depressing hellscape of no fun. Last week was a downer, with six women going home, and this week was possibly even MORE of a downer. Sunny beaches and yachts can only lift us viewers so high, when we have Nick annihilating everyone in sight.  So many sad faces, so many tears (Mostly Nick’s… he cries a lot.).

Me, watching this show. Minus the outfits, the heels, the tans, the dewy youthful glow, the hair extensions and the candles. 

After some faux “will Nick leave?” drama (thank god Chris Harrison flew into USVI just to have that talk on the beach), everyone quickly forgot their fears over the St Thomas Massacre and they all squealed about going to Bimini, which is basically the same as St Thomas but with no Kmart*. And further north. And I’m sure they have cultural differences (that we did not delve into).  But anyway, they went to another tropical island.

Vanessa gets the first one on one date and they go yachting and talk about their feelings while posing in swimwear (lot of yachts in Bimini, lot of yachts on this episode).  They then go to fake dinner and everything seems to be going well (Vanessa looks stunning, while not eating fake dinner on a windy, random dock). She begins to open up to him and then Nick does his classic “Welp, I can’t really tell you how I feel because there’s a lot of relationships I’m exploring” thing. Vanessa’s face goes sour. I would have liked a hearty “fuck you” and walk away, but sadly she did not do that. This entire set up really just seemed like an attempt to keep some mystery as to who sticks around, because nothing about the last six weeks of The Bachelor makes me think she’s NOT making it to the Top 2.

Extreme. Hair. Envy. 

Corrine, Raven and Kristina go on another yacht date (Corrine: “I’m from South Florida. I look really good on a yacht”) and they swim with sharks. A bit on the nose, ABC. Nick takes this opportunity to slather Kristina with sunblock and, like all men, uses WAY TOO MUCH. Ugh. Raven ends up winning the rose on the group date (for reasons unbeknownst to us), making her the only ‘safe’ person at the end of the show. I sort of underestimated her, although my original assessment: “Raven just seems like the type of girl that men like.” kind of holds water. I don’t entirely know WHAT Nick likes about her so much (they have not shown the two of them having much of a serious connection). Corrine is pissed because she doesn’t get the rose (a huge amount of this episode is dedicated to interviews or shots of Corinne worrying about not getting the rose. It’s exhausting.).

Next up is a one on one with Danielle, which consists of them riding bikes around the island. To recap – four girls went on a nice yacht, three got to swim with sharks. Danielle gets to ride a bike and play an embarrassing game of basketball (the hoop looks to be about 4 feet off the ground) with local kids (no offense to the locals but… yachts). They spout their producer-fed island history lines to the camera like a bad audition tape and it becomes clear that Danielle is going home. They have nothing to talk about. THEY ARE FROM THE SAME STATE, AND YET CAN’T EVEN REMINISCE ABOUT GOOD ‘OLE WISCONSIN. The silence is deafening. Sadly Danielle M, like Danielle L, is oblivious to Nick’s disinterest and over fake dinner begins telling him that she is really into him (or ‘open’ to him, whatever that means).  Everything seems like it’s going well and then Nick’s face does The Glaze, the music changes, and we all just shake our heads and sigh. I don’t know why they/Nick force these women to pour out their feelings, only to turn around and be like “You’re going home!”. A nice person would be like, “Hey, guess what – I’m not that into you, let’s just call it” BEFORE the woman starts spouting off about how “open” she is to him (or my favorite, “I can see myself falling in love with you.”)

Nick walks Danielle back to her SUV, where she has to go home and pack her bags (apparently they are short-handed on PAs in Bimini) and face the girls. There was a noticeable lack of sadness about her departure, which made me question how people felt about Danielle, although they kept calling her ‘sweet’ (generally code for ‘boring’).

Next we have the last one on one date, which is with Rachel. Rachel and Nick go to a local’s bar. I think that’s all they did. They literally went to an empty beach bar, drank weirdly wrapped beer bottles (Rachel: “uh… I guess I’ll have … beer?”) and chat about the upcoming hometown dates (Did you know hometowns are next week? Oh you didn’t? You must have not been listening to the 40+ times it was mentioned on the show).  Rachel soothes Nick’s fear of being the only white guy in her home (well, sort of) by telling him she has dated other white men but not brought them home to meet her family. I want to sidebar and point out that Rachel has not hand a SINGLE bad moment on this show, other than quitting that stupid volleyball game. And she’s had a lot of screen time. A really impressive feat/conscious choice by the editors!

Even the “locals bar” is filthy with yachts. 

Finally we get to the inevitable “woman seeks out The Bachelor in his room” scene that happens every year. This year it’s Corrine, which they’ve been hyping for awhile with the “heart is gold, vagine is platinum” line (how many times do you think she has said that IRL? Like is that a go-to line?) She shows up at his hotel room and she suggests they go into his bedroom and she closes the door and they leave their mics on and he says “What did you have in mind?” which I realize was not meant to sound like she’s a prostitute but DEFINITELY came off that way. Then it’s just all awkward breathing and shuffling and then him telling her to take it slow and then her just saying “Oh my god, oh my god” with what sounds like embarrassment and / or horror and then she emerges again from the room, denied by Nick. Just the height of squirmy embarrassment, relieved only by the hilarity of her stalking out of the hotel in her Louboutins and aiming straight for a set of automatic doors, only to bypass them and push her way out the regular door (it was funnier on screen, trust me.).  Watch it here. Seriously.

The end of the show reveals that Nick is just SUPER not into cocktail parties anymore, so he decides to give Kristina the boot privately, at the house. Kristina, super star, is just stone faced (earlier in the episode, Nick is literally tearing up and she’s like “well, you can’t have us all, you have to make a decision” and I’m like “YES, SISTER!”).  She accuses him of not giving her a chance and then he gets all defensive and we’re left with the distinct impression that Kristina won and Nick lost. Which I’m ok with. Kristina and her beautiful teeth and perfect ponytail head back to Kentucky.

Note her body’s instinctive reaction to GTFO. Strangely, the only woman who can immediately read Nick’s preschool primer of a face.

The teaser is that Nick is going to do something shocking next week (there were no previews of hometown dates, not sure if that is standard Bachelor practice or if they’re hinting at something). My theory is that Nick cuts it down to two people, and goes on only two hometown family visits (because why the hell would he want to face four families, all of which would ask ‘Why have you been on this show so many times?”).

On with The Bachelor Power Rankings!

  1. Vanessa – I still think Vanessa makes it to the Top 2, along with Corrine. Even with that little faux dust-up over faux dinner. Vanessa has made it through this show (so far) looking smart, assertive, beautiful and thoughtful. This is…almost impossible to achieve on this franchise.
  2. Corrine – I don’t personally see a long, bright future with Nick and Corrine but she could easily make the top two. Now that they are done painting her as the villain, she’s far more likeable (I mean, don’t get me wrong, she’s 100% not someone I would spend time with, but they are making her seem at least a little less wacky. Or maybe I’m just getting used to it. Oh god.). She also called Raquel her maid for the first time, vs. nanny, as well as her “best friend.” Her hired help is her best friend. That’s so sad.
  3. Raven – I fully admit that I do not ‘get’ Raven. She seems like a perfectly fine, normal woman, but I don’t see a lot of depth. In fairness, this show is heavily edited, but you’d think we’d have seen something between her and Nick if she’s the winner.
  4. Rachel – We know Rachel does not win (and I use that word VERY loosely) this thing because on Monday afternoon, she was inexplicably announced as the next Bachelorette. Or we know if she wins, they’re no longer together. Seems like an incredibly weird time to announce her as the next Bachelorette and thus kill the suspense (esp. considering she was a front runner to win), but who am I to question ABC?


  1. Danielle M. – Always tough to see a strong favorite fizzle. Farewell, Danielle, to you and and your boho fashion.  At least you can leave knowing everyone thought you were ‘so sweet.’
  2. Kristina – Kristina had a really strong episode even though she was kicked off. She’s so blunt and straightforward it’s incredibly refreshing, on a show filled with women who have tripped over themselves to try and gain Nick’s love and affection. Da sveedaneeya, Kristina.

*I did not CONFIRM there was no Kmart on Bimini, rather just hoped.

The Bachelor Power Rankings, Week 5

This episode is really all about the bantamweight card of Corrine v. Taylor. In one corner, we have Crazy, Drunk Corrine (whose lack of self awareness is just off the charts), and in the other we have I Have A God Damned Masters Degree Taylor. But we have to save that bout until the end.

The show kicked off with a rose ceremony where they all looked like extras on the set of Titanic – vaguely blue tinged and engulfed by clouds of dewy breath. After the dismissal of Sarah (whose Wounded Soul expression was one for the ages) and Astrid the Well Endowed, the girls found out (SHRIEK!) they were going to New Orleans (they were just really excited to GTFO of Wisconsin). This is the perfect city for The Bachelor: a culture of booze, boobs and peacocking, for a show about booze, boobs and peacocking (oh, sorry, and LOVE).

This is the week of the dreaded two-on-one date, where one person gets sent packing and one gets to stick around for a few more episodes. There was no way on god’s green earth this two-on-one date would be anyone but Corrine and Taylor (who had a magnificent Resting Bitch Face for THE ENTIRE SHOW, including at the top when she got chosen at the Rose Ceremony).

“Well, I guess this is what my life has come to.”

First up was a one on one date with Rachel, where we were briefly reminded that this show is TECHNICALLY supposed to be about finding love. They’re actually pretty cute together (although Rachel could do so much better) and seemed pretty legit into their date.  We also find out Rachel’s dad is a federal judge, and since Nick basically said he was nervous about meeting her father, we can assume she’s going to make it to the Top 4.

The next date was a group date, with everyone but Rachel, Corrine and Taylor. They went to a plantation (you know, a place where 150 years ago, an entire race of people were routinely and legally enslaved and forced to do hard labor without getting paid? Hot date spot).  Apparently no one had a problem with this, and instead they all just giggled their way through the “haunted” plantation in search of some child named May, who died there and still likes to cruise around knocking over dishes and dropping chandeliers and shit. I was not buying into this although the girls seemed to enjoy it (Raven even said she was going to invoke Jesus Christ if she saw a ghost, and boy was I looking forward to a scene where she just screamed “THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU”).  This date was pretty horrifying, but for all the wrong reasons (and frankly, the ham-handed fake scares were just insulting to all of our intelligence).

Next up was the main event, Corrine vs. Taylor. The showdown took place IN THE FUCKING SWAMP which was pretty amazing. Sadly there were no airboats (just regular boats) but there was some voodoo magic and snakes and apparently a lot of insects that loved Corrine (they had no interest in Taylor, who possibly just has ice water in her veins).  The producers handed a tarot card reader some background on Corrine and Taylor and she “read” their cards which SHOCKINGLY hinted at the EXACT. SAME SITUATION. THEY. ARE. IN. Taylor went first and just iced the tarot lady out like a god damn champ (education over magic). Corrine went second and just vaguely nodded and then asked about making a voodoo doll (Tarot lady seemed all too happy to oblige – and while I did not catch this, apparently the voodoo doll looks like Corrine, not Taylor, BWHAHAHAHAHA).

Then in the most unsurprising choice ever, Nick chose Boobs over Brains and Taylor got up and walked away about ten feet, then came back to sulk in a chair until night fell, and then took off her shoes and EMBRACED THE VOODOO LIFESTYLE (ok, she let people touch her with burning sage and water – close enough).

Apparently the thought of confronting Corrine and Nick after this voodoo bath is enough to make Taylor crack a smile. 

This entire date was a 2.0 of Chad on The Bachelorette, from the woodsy setting, to the “I need to tell you something about Taylor/Chad” to the “leave the person on the banks of a river” and hopefully they don’t get eaten by a bear/razorback exit.

The episode ends with Taylor claiming she’s going to go tell Nick about Corrine, and shots of her stalking down the streets of New Orleans. I lost interest when they didn’t have her just rise out of the swamp in front of Corrine and Nick and tip their boat over into alligator infested waters (So. Much. Better).

On with The Bachelor Power Rankings!

  1. Rachel (+ 1 spot) – Rachel gets the top spot because Rachel went on a normal date with Nick and they actually seemed like a couple (a revolutionary statement on this show).
  2. Vanessa (- 1 spot) – Very little Vanessa time this week, but she’s still a front runner.
  3. Danielle M. (+ 2 spots) – Danielle of the Dead Fiancé got a rose this week on the group date, but I actually don’t think the two of them have much chemistry. Also, she seems better on paper. Whenever she’s on screen with Nick it’s just… boring and meh.
  4. Corrine (- 1 spot) – This episode didn’t have quite as much of the Corrineisms that we have come to know and love, but it was a really great reminder of a few things – 1, she’s drunk AF in a lot of her producer interviews; 2 – she looks like an actual child at times, 3 – she’s better at manipulation than I originally gave her credit for. Bill asked me if she’s better or worse than Courtney (who was not only the Villain on Ben’s season, but won). I considered Courtney to be way better at the game than Corrine, but I’m discovering Corrine is incredibly good at acting normal around Nick and then going bonkers when she’s not around him. Just imagine Nick watching this cut of the show, with Corrine sitting next to him on a couch. It’s DELIGHTFUL.

    “SWAT SWAT!”
  5. Danielle L. (+ 2 spots) – After a poor showing in Wisconsin, Danielle L. got her shit together, and judging by their time on the plantation park bench, Nick is still super into her, at least physically.
  6. Raven (- 2 spots) – Raven told Nick she was falling in love with him and we all just were like, “Wait, what?” (including Nick).
  7. Kristina (No Change) – The only time I recall seeing Kristina is when she pointed out that both Taylor and Corrine should go home because they’re both acting like babies (Russian pragmatism).
  8. Alexis the DolphinShark (No change) –  According to Rodger Sherman, Alexis was chased around by Nick wearing a Nic Cage mask. I have no recollection of this. Is my DVR serving up an edited version of this show? I also don’t recall her saying Nic Cage is one of her biggest fears, on last week’s show. WHAT IS HAPPENING?
  9. Jami (No change)– We find out Jami lives in New Orleans and is excited to show Nick her city and then she literally spends no time with Nick.
  10. Jasmine G. (No change) – Jasmine gets points for resisting the ghost story. Jasmine then loses points for later buying into the ghost story (although we can probably just blame the booze).
  11. Whitney (no change)- Bill, when her name was called at the Rose Ceremony: “Who?”
  12. Josephine (no change) – I can’t even.

These girls went home:

  1. Sarah – She’s 25 and had some sort of crying “I JUST WANT TO FIND LOVE” moment after getting kicked off, which, by doing so on national TV, feels detrimental to her finding love.
  2. AstridJust super blasé when she exited the barn with sort of a vague half hug for Nick. No longer around to make me say “Wait, is that Astrid or Whitney?”
  3. Taylor – Technically Taylor got kicked off this week, but she is back next week to RAIN HELL DOWN UPON CORRINE AND NICK (or, more likely, just to keep banging the same Corrine is Crazy drum that no matter how hard she bangs it, Nick isn’t going to hear). I actually like Taylor and think she’s probably pretty normal, if maybe a bit hardened compared to most of the girls. But I’m THRILLED we will never have to hear the phrase “emotional intelligence” again.
Two People Experiencing the Most Awkward Moment of their Lives, Plus Corrine.