The Bachelor Finale: One Lonely Reindeer, a Metaphor

Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve come to the conclusion of another long season of watching a group of celebrity-craving people grapple for their fifteen minutes to six months of fame (possibly stretched out to two to three years, if they play their cards right).

I watched the finale with three girlfriends, a bottle of Dom Perignon and an exceedingly well behaved infant, so I may have missed a bit of the show (again, no fault of that baby. Baby was entranced by The Bachelor. BABY KNOWS GOOD TV), but really it’s pretty easy to recap what happened even if I had not watched any of it, because this show follows a very specific formula.

We kicked off the show with a meaningless “Chris Harrison on a Soundstage” intro (I assume he was just trying to make up for the fact he was barely on this season, but my god his work tonight literally consisted of him offering meaningless intros and outros between commercial breaks. WHY. IS. HE. HERE?)

An assortment of lucky (unlucky? You choose.) Viall family members were whisked away from their freezing cold homes in Wisconsin to an even colder Finland, where they sat down and watched Nick parade his last two lady loves around. Nick’s sister Bella was solidly Team Raven (speaking of Team Raven – is it possible Bella was named after the Twilight character? She’s in the age range of being a Twilight baby. See? This is how bored I was.) and looked like she wanted to push Vanessa into a snowbank.  Full disclosure – I missed most of the family stuff but I presume it went something like:

Nick’s mom: “They’re both really lovely.”

Nick’s dad: “Son, I just want you to be happy and stop going on national television and embarrassing your mother and all of your siblings. My god, even our dog was hiding under the rug with shame.”

Or something like that.

Moving along, Nick dismissed his family back to Wisco and went on a date with Vanessa. “Date” is a really generous, nice word. More like something out of a fever dream. They rode horses to a tiny shack in the woods (ugh) and met with, THIS IS NOT A JOKE, a Finnish dude dressed up as Santa Claus. First, isn’t Santa Claus a German construct? Second, it’s fucking March, no one cares about Santa Claus right now. Third, WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH THE BACHELOR? I just find “adults hanging out with SC” to be exceedingly disturbing. Especially on a show about romantic love.  He gave them a woodcutting with some really poorly executed caricatures and their Finnish names (I think, my Finnish is…nonexistent). I just kept screaming “THROW THAT THING INTO THE FIRE LIKE YOUR LOVE” but they did not, sadly, oblige.

Woodcut
I challenge you to find any similarities between these people and the drawing on that woodcut, other than Vanessa’s hat.

Then there were some tears and doubts and stuff, and they had a normal real conversation (BORING) and then I faded out for a few minutes and when I came to, it was on to the Raven Date.

Raven had the Best Date Ever, which I guess was Nick’s attempt to make up for the fact he was about to dump her. Raven got to play with husky puppies. They spent entirely too little time on this (I could have watched the puppies in the snow for the entire show, we got about 3 minutes of footage).

Dogs
All of my time spent watching this show was worth it, for this very moment.

Then they went ice skating, where we learned Nick is a terrible dancer (ice dancer, anyway) and has no chance in a million years of doing ANYTHING on Dancing with the Stars. We even rewound to watch it twice. It. Was. Bad.   (Sidenote: During the ice skating scene, they played “Kiss Me” and I was like “The Cardigans!” and my friend’s husband, while artfully lounging in a chair, drinking a beer AND feeding an infant, just burned me with “Sixpence, son!” and I was chastened and ashamed and put in my place. I’m an embarrassment to the 90s. My apologies to Sixpence None the Richer.)

weeks not over
Nick, demonstrating how much his feelings can change in the space of 48 hours.

After the dates, we revved up to the Someone Gets Dumped portion of the show (the end is in sight!). Nick wandered around in the snow looking like he was thinking hard about thinking hard. Raven put on her spangle dress and black cape and enthusiastically waxed on and on about how she was soon going to be engaged (a sure sign that she was getting dumped). Vanessa put on her Jessica Rabbit dress and fur stole and sang a dynamic rendition of Oh Canada (kidding. Sadly). We sat around wondering what Raven was going to do with that full length velvet cape once she headed back to Hoxie, Arkansas.

The reindeer wondered when it was going to get untied from the fence (answer: Never).

The black Mercedes AWD European crossover pulled up to Nick’s cabin (why was this inside? I wanted a full blown evening event in in the Finnish winter) and out stepped…. Raven. Not shocking. Chris Harrison gave her the sorrowful look he gives all the rejects and she was sent into The Room of Dead Reindeer Skins (so in hindsight, that one reindeer is STOKED to be outside tied to the fence).

Raven immediately launched into her I Love You So Much speech and Nick looked like he was going to vomit (literally, his face actually looked puckish). Raven, not reading the room, continued. Nick, being an asshole, let her go on. Then he did the classic “I love you but I’m not IN LOVE with you” bit and, kudos to Raven, she took it like a champ. She worked up one or two tears that stayed firmly within her eyelids and then was like “OK NBD!” and was packed into the Shame Mercedes where again, she looked pretty OK with it all. This is a sign of just how boring this season got, post-Corrine. The loser didn’t even have a sob fest or WHY NOT ME moment in the limo (well, she did say something about “why does no one love me?” which was sad, but you know, she’ll get past it).

Next up, the Mercedes dropped of Vanessa and Chris Harrison’s entire body language just shouted “HE PICKED YOU!”. In this scene, Vanessa says nothing and Nick starts talking and I’m sure he mentioned something about love, beauty and his innate desire to not move to Canada, but I can’t be sure because I was again distracted by the pile of dead reindeer in the corner. He proposed. She said yes. We can all assume they will never get married. The end.

the ring
Vanessa should find a way to keep this and sell it and live comfortably for the next few years.

I have not watched The Bachelor religiously, but this year just seemed incredibly anti-climactic. Not sure if it’s always that way or not, but everything about this episode (minus the puppies) was a dud.

We end with a review the Winners and Losers of the Bachelor Finale:

Winners:

Raven: She is not engaged to Nick.

Finland: Not going to lie, Finland did a good job of selling itself.

Me: I finally got to drink Dom Perignon, a highlight in my drinking career. CHEERS, BITCHES.

 

Losers:

Vanessa: She is engaged to Nick

Chris Harrison: The desperation to stay relevant was palpable.

That Reindeer: Seriously, someone go check on that reindeer.

Before we go, let’s revisit my initial impressions of the Final Four, which I had made based solely on their online profiles:

Corrine:

Original impression: “Has the most boring profile so far (which hey, probably means she’s really nice and normal IRL, so there’s that).”

Post show impression: This is what it looks like to be wrong about something.

Rachel:

Original impression: “Rachel has Angela Bassett-quality arms, a physical trait I really admire. She also sounds like a really smart, well-rounded, successful person, so I don’t know why she is on this show. She’s the type of person I would want to win, but for the fact she is clearly far too good for this shit.”

Post show impression: This is what it looks like to be right about something!

Raven:

Original impression: “Raven looks exactly like you would imagine someone named “raven” to look. To the point I wonder if it is her real name. She’s from a town called Hoxie, Arkansas, which sounds pretty awful (but maybe is nice!). Favorite profile moment: “Who is your favorite actor and why? Brittany Murphy (when she was alive).”

Post show impression: I would never have guessed Raven was making it to the Top 4, much less the Top 2. She was a completely inoffensive, non-confrontational nice girl. Except when she told the world she beat up her ex-boyfriend with a shoe.

Vanessa:

Original Impression: “Vanessa is another person that seems really normal. Her most intriguing profile moment: “If you could be any fruit or vegetable, which one would you be? An onion because they’re a staple item and can be found all year round.” Ok.

Post show impression: Vanessa seemed like a likely candidate to win it all from basically the first episode. She consistently led in the Power Rankings. She’s like the Duke basketball of The Bachelor.

Congratulations Vanessa, on your moment in the spotlight. See if you can keep that ring when you break up.

the exit
Me, to this blog.

 

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The Bachelor Power Rankings, Week 10: Nick Sleeps With Three Women Then Dumps One.

Fantasy Suite week is so brutal. The premise is basically “sleep with three women in one week, then dump one!” FUN! So, so fun for everyone involved. Especially Raven, it would appear. If I was Raven and someone pitched that “I Just Got Laid and I’m SO HAPPY!” dance scene, I would have asked a PA to replicate it and then given it a hard pass. I WOULD HAVE WALKED OFF SET BEFORE AGREEING TO PARTAKE IN THAT STUPID SCENE. My god people, let that woman have a shred of dignity.

Josephine
Nope. No dignity left to be had on this show.

The rest of the show isn’t even worth recapping, but here are a few takeaways:

  1. Rachel is bad at cross-country skiing. She lives in Dallas, so NBD.
  2. Rachel owns a penguin onesie.
  3. Finnish reindeer are ADORABLE.
  4. Vanessa could seamlessly be placed in a mid-90s episode of Baywatch and would not look anachronistic (not a diss, she just really would have shined in the 1990s)
  5. Sleeping with someone and then breaking up with them later in the week – so douchy (Nick, and probably every other contestant that came before him). But still.
  6. Raven wore pants to the Rose Ceremony, because it’s Finland in the dead of winter and evening gowns are really a touch out of place.
  7. Rachel is moving on to MUCH BETTER THINGS (I hope)
  8. Vanessa is definitely ‘winning’ this thing.
Finnish Baywatch
Is a caption really needed here?

I have only watched about twenty minutes of the Women Tell All show (aka, last grasp at fame), but a few observations:

  1. A large portion of the women were dressed and styled more for a Miss America pageant than a talk show program.
  2. Liz was almost unrecognizable. She was incredibly pretty on The Bachelor, even when she had very little make up on, so I’m not sure why she went Full Pageant on us.
  3. Just… Josephine.
  4. Danielle M. needed a sweater.
  5. There was a girl who I literally kept saying “who is that?” every time they panned to her (NOT Whitney)
  6. In the first twenty minutes there was numerous moments where the women were just shouting over each other like a bad episode of Maury Povich and oddly Corrine is the one who just sat there looking like the normal one.
WhoIsThis
It’s not a good move to be literally unrecognizable. OR IS IT THE SMARTEST MOVE EVER?
weird outfits
It FEELS like Kristina and Whitney are the only people appropriately dressed for this taping. Where did Danielle find that white satin pantsuit? WHERE DO YOU FIND SOMETHING LIKE THAT? 

Coming up next: THE FINALE, THANK GOD.

The Bachelor Power Rankings, Week 9: Raven Goes to Finland

Last night I experienced epic highs and lows. High: OMG THIS EPISODE IS ONLY ONE HOUR! Low: “Next week on a special three hour episode of The Bachelor….”. Sigh. It was good while it lasted.

This episode felt like some sort of bastard remnant that they didn’t know what to do with. We started out by watching Nick and Andi have an incredibly staged scene (favorite quote: “the last thing I expected to see when I opened that door was Andi.”). Please Nick, we are not stupid enough to think this shit happens spontaneously. All I want to know is HOW MANY TIMES DID YOU GUYS FILM THAT DOOR OPENING SCENE? They used the take wherein he looked literally less surprised than when CORRINE was standing at his door. And we all knew Corrine was going to be standing outside his door at some point.

Which brings us, naturally, to Corrine. Nick finally had to partake in a Rose Ceremony (former staple of the show, now long forgotten). We all knew Raven was making it through because this show prides itself on previewing what’s “coming up later on The Bachelor” (GUYS, IT WAS ONLY A 54 MINUTE SHOW, THIS WAS NOT NECESSARY) which included a shot of Raven, Nick and a fuck ton of snow.  They showed us this PRIOR to the Rose Ceremony, so clearly we knew Raven was a lock. Apparently ‘suspense’ is not something the Producers are interested in any more (although god knows we’ve seen enough mysterious headless women walking down hotel corridors to last a life time).

ruined-dresses
“Sorry ladies, this is the only place you can stand where the name of the hotel is also readable and god knows we’re not paying for locations anymore, so I hope you didn’t spend too much on those dresses that no one can see!”

Anyway, I digress. Raven gets through. Rachel the Next Bachelorette gets through. It’s down to Corrine and Vanessa. I would have at least had some suspense at this point because I thought Corrine was a LOCK for the Fantasy Suite, but I had already seen on the Interwebs that Corrine got to boot. Corrine seemed genuinely upset, probably because A- no one ever tells her no and B- she likes winning. Nick packed her off to the limo in a really disturbingly similar scene to when I got dumped at age 16 (minus the limo, the champagne, and the mid 30s reality TV star).

I’m sure her tears dried rapidly when she realized how great getting kicked off really is. It lines up never ending interviews with morning shows and a permanent place on Bachelor Paradise. And the bonus of not being engaged to some rando you met on a TV show, at the ripe, fun age of 25 [WHY WOULD THIS WOMAN WANT TO BE MARRIED? SHE LIVES IN MIAMI WITH AN ENDLESS SHOPPING BUDGET AND A GOD DAMN NANNY WHO CUTS HER CUCUMBERS FOR HER]. Sorry. Had a moment where I mistakenly thought this show was about finding a husband. Remembered it’s about finding B-list fame, and thus I once again understand her sadness.

Corrine and her glass of champers head off into the fierce winds of New York (all those dresses, RUINED by having to wear winter coats). We head to Finland. North Finland. In the winter. WHO NEEDS DAYLIGHT?

Finland’s Tourism Department sponsors the rest of the show, so I hope you all are ready for a LOT of snow, northern lights (real or edited), and fur trimmed hats (which I object to).  Plane tickets? Courtesy of FINNAIR! Lodging? Courtesy of a FINN HOTEL WITH A LOT OF VOWELS! Filming Locations? COURTESY OF THE GOD DAMN TAX PAYING PEOPLE OF FINLAND.  (Not to wreck this for Finland, but it feels like you could get a lot of that stuff [snow, extreme cold, caribou, northern lights] by just heading to Northern Canada)

We settle into some incredibly boring Nick and Raven footage – talking about folding laundry (UGH), playing human darts (WEIRD), gazing at each other (SO BORING). Me, to Bill, three minutes into Finland: “I already miss Corrine. Oh my God. This show sucks when it’s just normal people talking about normal things married people do.”

Lucky for us the hot toddies of Finland are just pure alcohol, because suddenly Raven decides to get really open and sharesie with us, the noble viewer.  Previous blog entries have shown that I. Do. Not. Like. Squirmy. Moments. Raven informs the producer who’s doing her interview, the cameraperson who’s taping it, the caribou of Finland and about 5 million viewers (off the cuff estimate of The Bachelor viewership) that she has only had sex with one guy and that said guy had not ever given her an orgasm.

Ok. So a few things to unpack here.

  1. She’s 25
  2. She has dated one guy for two years
  3. She never told him she loved him, and was not in love with him (murky, but I think that’s what she said).
  4. He only told her he loved her when he was intoxicated
  5. He is the only guy she has had sex with
  6. He apparently is pretty shitty in bed
  7. She felt the need to bring this up on national TV (thus saving a terribly boring episode)
  8. SHE KICKED IN THIS GUY’S DOOR AND STABBED HIM WITH HER HEEL WHEN SHE FOUND HIM CHEATING ON HER (see Week 4). Imagine what she’d have done to a guy she really loved!
  9. I feel really bad for Raven.

We move on to the evening’s finale! Grab your complimentary sweaters (Nick – a massive, throat-strangling turtleneck, Raven – a neckless, shoulderless, gravity defying number)! Turn your chairs at 45 degree angles! It’s non-dinner time!

ravensweater
Gravity, meet Raven’s sweater. Raven’s sweater, meet gravity! NOW DEFY IT. (also, obvs I took this screen cap from someone else because I didn’t take the time to insert lettering or emojis).

Over a lovely non-dinner of caribou and wine, they start talking. Nick asks her direct questions and she responds vaguely and without opinion (this I my problem with Raven. Other than “southern,” she doesn’t seem to have a lot of personality or…opinions. Even on incredibly softball questions). After a bit of gazing into each other’s eyes, Raven decides she MUST tell Nick she loves him. She delivers a full on soliloquy that ends with “I love you.” Nick swoops in for the kiss. Her slouchy sweater somehow miraculously stays on. She tells him she is accepting his Fantasy Suite invitation and then, in my favorite moment in the history of television, casually drops the “oh and btw I’ve never had an orgasm, so you know, NO PRESSURE or anything….” Nick’s face is just like “What. The. Fuck.” I mean, I even felt bad for him, and that is saying a lot.

nick-sweater
“He was a man that loved a good turtleneck sweater. Little did he know that one day that sweater would strangle the life out of him. RIP, Nick Viall.”

They relax into a bed to watch the fake northern lights and that’s the end of the show. Well, not the total end. We are then treated to Chris Harrison making a “SATISFYING night” joke, and Nick doing a completely unnecessary Rocky 4 re-enactment (AS IF FINLAND IS THE SOVIET UNION). Bill’s level of disgust with this outshone any other moment in The Bachelor’s run this season so it was REALLY OFFENSIVE.

Bachelor Power Rankings Week 9:

  1. Someone that wins (but really LOSES)
  2. Someone that doesn’t win (but really WINS)
  3. Someone that has a small chance of going back to their normal life and not letting this taint the next 2-3 years of their existence.
rocky4
Never mind, looks like he survived the sweater murder. Yayyyy.