The Dual: Oscars Running Diary, 2011

The Sessionista is taking on Sister Sessionista with dualing Oscar blogs. Oh yeah, we’re doing it. Naturally I dressed for the occasion.

4:40pm: Time to party like it’s 1996, bitches! The Sessionista has arrived (in Sister Sesh’s  prom dress).

4:49pm: One minute to go and I’ve realized the only Oscar movie I have seen is The Social Network (Why? Why is this movie up for so many damn awards?). And Inception. I’ve seen that.

5:30pm: And we’re off! Totally stuffed with appetizers, I weigh at least 50 pounds more than the fattest actress at this ceremony.

James and I share a pre-show laugh.
James and I share a pre-show laugh.

5:31pm: I wanna see Black Swan for the ballet aspect. Everyone else wants to see Natalie and Mila get it on.

5:33pm: I always love the opening montages “the guy from General Hospital”… that was pretty funny, Mr. Freeman.

5:35pm: Anne’s dress is like a wispy version of Nicole Kidman’s.

5:38pm: What is up with the random Oscar movies before they give the awards? We may be stretching here a bit. GOD, please tell me this isn’t happening all night long.  Also, this show is going to last forever if everyone speaks as slow as Tom Hanks is speaking.

5:39pm: So far all I’ve heard/seen is stuff about movies released ages ago: Gone With The Wind. Titanic. Can you even segue GWTW into Titanic? Is that even remotely OK?

5:40pm: Art direction: Apparently all those background clips were to tell us someone in this category is up for the Triple Crown of the Academy Awards. Frankly, I’ve had ½ a V&T and have no idea what is going on. Alice in Wonderland! I actually saw that.  Fuck, Helena Bonham Carter looks normal! She must be wearing a satin, leopard print miniskirt that I simply can’t see. I guess we’ll have to wait another year for the Secretariat of the Oscars (thanks, Dan).

5:45pm: Sounders shout-out to owner Joe Roth from the Art Director winner!

5:46pm: Best Cinematography. Apparently all the same movies are up for EVERY category. EVERY CATEGORY. And  the winner is…Inception.  The dude sounds like he’s going to die onstage. He’s actually groaning. Not the way you want your acceptance speech to go.

5:58pm: Hailee Steinfield from True Grit clearly has no idea who Kirk Douglas is. She’s doing that vague slow clapping thing. Jesus! Kirk Douglas, biggest earlobes ever! Like, the size of my palms. Also, Kirk Douglas is definitely going off script, and somewhere a producer is crying. Also, am I the only one who can’t understand him? I am sweating at the awkwardness of this. Finally! And the Best Supporting Actress is…(Sister Sesh’s nemesis)… Melissa Leo, The Fighter. Gorgeous dress, awkward repartee with The Douglas. And the bitch stole his cane.

5:59pm: 29 minutes in and we have our first F-bomb, thanks to Melissa. Can someone cue the orchestra? It’s supporting actress, not even full on actress. Enough already. Get off the stage.

 

Gratuitous Mark Wahlberg photo for all the ladies out there.
Gratuitous Mark Wahlberg photo for all the ladies out there.

6:00pm: Everyone should be required to refer to Mark Wahlberg as Marky Mark.

6:02pm: Mila looks like she has lavender boob tattoos. Seriously. And this award show is just weird. Weird vibe. Weird editing. Weird presenting. Shit, even James and Anne are acting (?) kind of weird.

6:06pm: Best “Full Length Cartoon,” as Dan calls it: Toy Story 3 (I just had to break it to Sister Sesh that Toy Story 3 isn’t going to win for Best Picture).

6:11pm: Is it some anniversary? What is up with all this retrospective stuff? I feel like they needed to explain that some more…So now Javier Bardem is going to explain some random fact about…wait, I just looked up from my keyboard…why are they wearing matching tuxes??? WHITE TUXES at that? Why is no one addressing this?

6:14pm: Oh yay, Social Network has won an award. Best Adapted Screenplay. Jesse Eisenberg has looked exactly the same at every award show.  Don’t forget to thank JT!

6:16pm: No seriously, why is no one addressing the fact James and Javier are wearing the same tuxes (minus, as Dan helpfully pointed out, Javier’s has a shawl collar)

6:17pm: Best Original Screenplay. I like this old dude from The King’s Speech…he doesn’t even know where the mic is.

6:20pm: I just want to take a moment to apologize for this live blog sucking, if you’re still reading it.  Probably because nobody served me a fucking Washington Apple, like Sister Sesh promised me.

6:21pm: Clearly the ability to sing a pre-req for hosting the Oscars.

6:23pm: And then James Franco walked out in drag….Good news, we have similar necklaces on!

6:29pm: Russell Brand and Helen Mirren. A natural pair. And she is speaking French. At least her dress isn’t super-low like it normally is. Guh, old boobs…

6:30pm: Best Foreign Language Film? I’m rooting for Canada. Astute observation from the winner: “This is a real Oscar.” Why yes, it is. And no, Canada didn’t win. Damn you, Academy!

During the boring bits, we posed for Prom pictures.
During the boring bits, we posed for Prom pictures.

6:35pm: OMG IT’S MOVIE STAR BARBIE!!!!!! Oh Reese, how many people died for your ponytail?

6:37pm: Best Supporting Actor: Christian Bale. And, another shawl collar tux! (side note, the lady at After Hours Tux Shop refused to let Bill wear a shawl collar tux, which I wanted, and look, look, they’re everywhere at the Oscars. Why did I defer to the opinion of a woman who works at Factoria Mall?).

6:39pm: In case you’re curious, I didn’t shower today. And I have BO. And I’m wearing an evening gown. From 1996.

6:41pm: Nicole Kidman’s dress is from the same decade as mine (1990s, bitches!).

6:43pm: Jesus, when is the In Memoriam section starting?

6:44pm: Best Original Score, the only category I actually would like to have The Social Network win. I think Reznor should insist on sitting in a spinning chair for his acceptance speech.

6:45pm: I love Scarlett  Johansson’s dress, which is hard to say since I don’t love HER. Her hair, however, is Calista Flockhhart meets Michelle Pfeiffer…

6:46pm: Shit, Salt is up for an Academy Award?

6:49pm: “If we’re not here to judge, what are we here for?”… words of wisdom from Sister Sesh.

6:50pm: My sequins are scratchy. God only knows what my sister did in this dress 14 years ago… it WAS prom night.

6:53pm: I’m probably going to lose street cred when I publish this, it’s THAT BAD.

6:57pm: Marisa Tomei! My Cousin Vinnie!!! That’s why she’s here, right? Jesus, that bodice could cover double EE boobs… I mean, that is a ton of satin across your mams, Mar-Tom!

6:59pm: Please confirm, Anne is dressed like the black swan, right? Like, on purpose?

7:00pm: Cate Blanchett clearly fell into a vat of Dippin’ Dots.

7:03pm: My  favorite category, Best Costume. Alice in Wonderland, a movie I actually saw! Colleen Atwood looks exactly like my my flower lady for my wedding. Also, WHY WHY WHY do costumers always have the most  boring outfits? Where are the silver sequins, bedazzled bodices and busting boobs? [if anyone’s counting, this is like my 9th boob reference…not sure what my obsessions with famous boobs is…]

At least there was no shortage of snacks.
At least there was no shortage of snacks.

7:04pm: Well, Spacey is here to announce a Best Original Song. Shocking, that, for like, the 100th time, fucking Randy Newman is up for an award. It isn’t original when you just keep copying yourself.

7:06pm: I’m so bored I’m checking scores on my ESPN app.

7:07pm: I just asked Bill if that was the guy from Chuck. And I was kidding. And then Bill said it is. I am so confused. Chuck is also a signer? Also, Jenny said Mandy Moore was dressed like an ice dancer from the ’88 Olympics in Calgary, on the red carpet. Why she isn’t wearing it on stage, I’ll never know…

7:08pm: YAY! JAKE GYLLENHAAL IS COMING UP! Sorry, I had to get excited about something.

7:10pm: I have chaffage on my inner forearms from typing against my sparkles.

7:12pm: I love Amy Adams. And Jake. I’m still sad he and Reese didn’t marry and have beautiful babies.

7:13pm: I am almost through 2 V&Ts yet I feel sober … and I have to take a piss. I think the woman who won the short film award is a man in drag.

7:15pm: Millions rejoice: the great state of Delaware was thanked.

7:21pm: Really? Oprah? Hasn’t she conquered enough of the world? Must she be on the Oscars, too? Jenny can’t get past the fact her face looks like it got punched (strange shadowage).

7:22pm: The best documentary winners look THRILLED to win. THRILLED. The lady looks like someone just drowned her kitten.  And she’s flaunting that this is only the second film she’s made. Take that, lifelong losers (we’re talking to you, Newman)!

7:30pm: Prior to the Oscars, I actually liked Anne Hathaway.

7:35pm: Coming up, Jennifer Hudson’s boobs (did she really lose all that weight via Weight Watchers? I mean, I’m going on WW if that’s the case).

7:41pm: Really? Gwyneth Paltrow as country music’s newest star? Not sure I’m on board with that. Or her white mic.

7:47pm: Biggest upset of the night: Randy Newman (20 noms) over Gwynnie for Best Song. I’m lodging a protest.

7:49pm: Sister Sesh is definitely winning the blog-off.

8:00pm: Celine Dion- this HAS to be the In Memoriam section. OMG, The old lady from Titanic died!!!! I didn’t know that.

 

If James Cameron and Ken Jennings somehow magically reproduced together, this is what we'd get.
If James Cameron and Ken Jennings somehow magically reproduced together, this is what we'd get.

8:04pm: James Cameron and Ken Jennings love child is accepting Best Director for King’s Speech.

8:06pm: Annette Bening’s dress looks like it was pulled from the costume closet on Tron.

8:10pm: Best Actress! I’ve woken up again: Also, all the women are wearing emeralds. What up with that? Wee! Natalie Portman and her unborn child have won. Cue the divorce lawyers.

8:20pm: Speaking of divorces…Sandy!!! Ooh, my favorite dress of the night. However, her hair looks as dirty as mine.

8:21pm: Best Actor Noms: Darling Javier Bardem, Jesse Eisenberg, who appears to be the same exact person as his character, Cutie Patootie James Franco, Jeff “Crazy Beard” Bridges, and … winner… Colin Firth! Oh you’ve come so far since Bridget Jones (but the reality is, I’ll always, always think of you as Mr. Darcy. And I, as your Elizabeth).

8:25pm: God, it’s finally almost over.  I may be projecting my own failure onto the awards.

8:29pm: There’s 10 minutes left. Anne is clearly now just making gratuitous outfit changes.

8:32pm: Best Picture. I’m calling King’s Speech. If not, it’s stupid Social Network.  I win! So did Sister Sesh, and she just started cawing with joy for having made the right pick.

On General Hospital, James Franco plays a character named Franco. Seriously.
On General Hospital, James Franco plays a character named Franco. Seriously.

Well, the only high point of this night was the food, Sister Sesh’s resurrected prom dress, and our collective ability to gaze upon James Franco. Good night. I’m going home to watch General Hospital (no, seriously, I am).

PS: I’d take Keyboard Cat over New York’s P.S.224 any day. Play me off, Keyboard Cat!

Ciao,

The Sessionista

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“It’s a Great Day to be Great.” Sessionista’s Super Bowl Running Diary Returns

OK, caveat…. I was just at the bar at Snoqualmie Pass and I’m sort of super buzzed on Washington Apples (it was way bigger than normal!). And the Kahlua girls were there, so $1 Kahluas and coffee. Or Kahlua and Peppermint Schnapps and hot chocolate as the case may be. (Not very good in case you’re curious).

And so it begins, at say… 4:15pm…about 45 minutes into the Super Bowl. Fucking Live-ish Blog Begins.

4:15pm: My head actually hurts and I stopped drinking 45 minute ago. Fucking Comcast didn’t save the game. So we’re at 8:11 left in the first quarter. 0-0.

4:16pm: In case you’re wondering, I am rooting for the Packers, based solely on the fact that one: The Steelers “beat” the Seahawks in OUR Super Bowl and B: Brett Favre doesn’t play for the Packers anymore.

4:17pm: The house smells amazing, like amazing, awesome BBQ pork which I was smart enough to stick in the Crock Pot when I was sober. Amazing. Sadly, am not hungry after eating cheese sticks and pizza at the bar.

4:19pm: Already pimping the Halftime Show, with 6 minutes left in the 1st quarter. Bill hates the Black Eyed Peas, in case you’re curious.

4:20pm: First commercial for me! Bud Light. Three Musketeers. Lame.

Sadly, I saw no puppies during the Super Bowl. For that, it's off to Animal Planet's PUPPY BOWL!!!
Sadly, I saw no puppies during the Super Bowl. For that, it's off to Animal Planet's PUPPY BOWL!!!

4:21pm: HA! Ok, the Chevy with the Timmy thing is actually pretty funny. Get it, like Timmy fell down the well…) But Lassie is a truck. (It seemed funny at the time. But I was fresh off the sauce)

4:22pm: OH THANK GOD, there’s going to be another Fast and Furious. THANK JESUS AND MARY AND JOSEPH. I was extremely concerned that Paul Walker and Vin Diesel were going to wallow in poverty the rest of their days.

4:23pm: I don’t know if this game is more boring than it actually is because I’m drunk, or what, but I’m bored.

4:23:30pm: WEEE TOUCHDOWN PACKERS!!!! Apparently Aaron Rodgers heard me. 3:44 left in the 1st, 7-0 Packers.

4:30pm: THAT WAS A TERRIBLE PASS, MR. BEN. THANK YOU. TOUCHDOWN PACKERS. 14-0 Packers.

4:33pm: Dear Ben, Somewhere in northern Idaho, a logger is filing a police report for stolen property. He’d like his beard back.

4:35pm: Man, I was worried there wouldn’t be a claymation commercial with Eminem during this Super Bowl. My day is now complete. Also, apparently he actually REALLY likes Brisk iced tea, as opposed to all the other products he shills for. Along with my Grandma and Nancy Reagan.

4:36pm: I’m trying to remember what XLV means from Middle School. 45? Super Bowl 45? Maybe I shouldn’t be touting the public education system so much.

4:37pm: Bill just made a good point. Don’t pay attention to the time stamps on this because I’m definitely on tape, not live. Stupid bar. But it was so good. But damn you, bar! Damn you.

4:38pm: There’s a good chance I can run faster than Rothlisburger. End of the 1st quarter.

4:40pm: WEEE!! Charles Woodson. Go Blue! I knew there was a reason I was rooting for the Packers.

4:45pm: Last year Bill predicted an onside kick to start the second half. I’m still waiting for him to make some amazingly accurate prognostication.

4:49pm: 7-3. Apparently the other team scored while I was petting the dog.

4:50pm: Good timing. Bill just  said “This looks like a Bud Light commercial.” And then the guy said “Give me a Bud” and then he broke into “Tiny Dancer.” And that may have been the guy from Prison Break. Wow. Times are tough. Also, it was no “onside kick to start the second half” but he’s still got a little somethin’ going on, that Bill.

4:51pm. Every BMW X3 in the world is made in America. Shit. I feel like I actually just learned something.

4:53pm: Woah. Woah. Aaron Rodgers looks like Jake Gyllenhaal in a helmet. Wow. Insane. Is that what “beer goggles” means?

This is Aaron Rodgers.
This is Aaron Rodgers.

4:55pm: Natalie Portman is apparently in every moving coming out now.

4:58pm: Troy Aikman looks like he is getting younger. Frightening. Somebody get Harry Connick Jr on the phone for his biopic.

5:02pm: I kind of want this game to just be over so I can pass out.

5:03pm: Is there such thing as a Super Bowl without monkeys?

5:04pm: Bill: “God, I hate the Black Eyed Peas.” See?

5:05pm: YARGH! Interception! Bush on the pick! Weeee Packers! Stupid Big Ben! Go back to the bar, mother effer! That’s two picks! (you would actually think I cared about one of these teams at this point).

This is Jake Gyllenhaal.
This is Jake Gyllenhaal.

5:08pm: Touchdown Packers! While I was spell checking this bitch. 21-3. Jesus, this is actually getting to be too much of a blowout.

5:10pm: Nice red pen in the back of the Packers head coach’s hat. Somebody get that man a pocket protector. What does he do with it during the game? Seriously.

5:15pm: Every Packer player has made the injured walk of shame through the bar to the locker room (really, I feel like  you’d get your $500 worth for a ticket by just by hanging out in that bar).

5:19pm: Wow, the Steelers might actually score a TD before the end of the half. There it is. Heinz “Ketchup” Ward.

5:20pm: I’m taking a break at halftime to do some severe spell checking. A Washington Apple makes for a – shit, did the announcer say that Ward was running a Dick route? I must have heard that wrong.

5:27pm: We’re fastforwarding over the halftime show in effort to A: not have to watch the fucking Black Eyed Peas and B: to make this more relevant.

5:43pm: And we’re back. Halftime is over. My belly is full of pork sandwich.

5:45pm: 12 minutes left in the half. Super tired. Not sure how I’m going to make it through this game.

5:47pm: Here’s the deal. This game is just a game. The commercials are really nothing to write home about, or in this case, blog about…

5:47:30pm: Touchdown Steelers. 21-17 Packers.

5:51pm: Or maybe Jared Leto. I see some Jared Leto in Aaron Rodgers.

And this is Jared Leto. A debate for the ages. I'll let the public decide.
And this is Jared Leto. A debate for the ages. I'll let the public decide.

5:57pm: Possibly the worst Super Bowl commercials in recent memory. The Tibet Groupon commercial was actually just kind of horrifying AND dumb, all in one.

6:04pm: I wish Bill would go make me some cookies. That sounds so good. Fresh baked cookies. Yep, I’m clearly loving this game.

6:07pm: FINALLY. Thank you Chrysler for putting together a good commercial (although it was close there when Eminem showed up, fresh off his Claymation gig for Brisk. Clearly someone has some cash flow problems). “Imported from Detroit.” I love it. Seriously, one day, ONE DAY… Detroit will be cool again.

6:12pm: I think I’m going to make cookies when this game is over.

6:20pm: Mmm. A “bang bang incomplete pass.” Sounds lovely! I feel like he had it. But then again, I’m rooting for Green Bay.

6:28pm: Oh thank god. The 4th quarter has finally begun.  Jesus! GB just recovered a fumble! (not, actually, Jesus on the field).

6:30pm: Still on the fence over Jake versus Jared. The eyes are all Jared but the presence is all Jake.

6:38pm: Good news, Green Bay scored while I was cleaning up my pork. And that’s not a euphemism for anything, either.

6:42pm: Totally sober, but totally tired.

6:43pm: I mean, what is there to comment on? There are no funny looking players, no funny looking coaches. Nothing for me to mock. The closest I can get is that Mike Tomlin looks like Wyatt Cenac from the Daily Show. Which is just weak.

6:44pm: Ironically, this is actually a good game, from a football perspective. I mean, the game was/is close, the Steelers are trying to put up an epic come back. And yet I’m counting down the minutes until its over.

6:45pm: Not sure if I already said this, but Ben Rothlisburger is seriously not attractive.

6:46pm: Touchdown Steelers. It’s like he’s saying “Fuck you, Sessionista. Fuck you.”

6:55pm: We’re actually finally live. 3rd and goal Green Bay. Couldn’t have come at a better time, I’d say.

6:56pm: And now its a six point game with two minutes (yay!) to go.

6:59pm: Clearly Hyundai and Bud Light are the only companies with any money these days. And, weirdly, Chevrolet, who I’m pretty confident doesn’t have any money.

7:04pm: 4th and 5…. 56 seconds…almost able to make my cookies…and…. incomplete. Grab your cheeseheads, ladies, it’s all over and the Packers have won the Super Bowl.

YAY PACKERS! YAY! Well now that Rodgers has his helmet off he looks like neither Jake or Jared, and rather like a trucker.

Until next time,

The Sessionista

ps- “It’s a great day to be great,” in case you’re curious.