The Sessionista is taking on Sister Sessionista with dualing Oscar blogs. Oh yeah, we’re doing it. Naturally I dressed for the occasion.
4:40pm: Time to party like it’s 1996, bitches! The Sessionista has arrived (in Sister Sesh’s prom dress).
4:49pm: One minute to go and I’ve realized the only Oscar movie I have seen is The Social Network (Why? Why is this movie up for so many damn awards?). And Inception. I’ve seen that.
5:30pm: And we’re off! Totally stuffed with appetizers, I weigh at least 50 pounds more than the fattest actress at this ceremony.
5:31pm: I wanna see Black Swan for the ballet aspect. Everyone else wants to see Natalie and Mila get it on.
5:33pm: I always love the opening montages “the guy from General Hospital”… that was pretty funny, Mr. Freeman.
5:35pm: Anne’s dress is like a wispy version of Nicole Kidman’s.
5:38pm: What is up with the random Oscar movies before they give the awards? We may be stretching here a bit. GOD, please tell me this isn’t happening all night long. Also, this show is going to last forever if everyone speaks as slow as Tom Hanks is speaking.
5:39pm: So far all I’ve heard/seen is stuff about movies released ages ago: Gone With The Wind. Titanic. Can you even segue GWTW into Titanic? Is that even remotely OK?
5:40pm: Art direction: Apparently all those background clips were to tell us someone in this category is up for the Triple Crown of the Academy Awards. Frankly, I’ve had ½ a V&T and have no idea what is going on. Alice in Wonderland! I actually saw that. Fuck, Helena Bonham Carter looks normal! She must be wearing a satin, leopard print miniskirt that I simply can’t see. I guess we’ll have to wait another year for the Secretariat of the Oscars (thanks, Dan).
5:45pm: Sounders shout-out to owner Joe Roth from the Art Director winner!
5:46pm: Best Cinematography. Apparently all the same movies are up for EVERY category. EVERY CATEGORY. And the winner is…Inception. The dude sounds like he’s going to die onstage. He’s actually groaning. Not the way you want your acceptance speech to go.
5:58pm: Hailee Steinfield from True Grit clearly has no idea who Kirk Douglas is. She’s doing that vague slow clapping thing. Jesus! Kirk Douglas, biggest earlobes ever! Like, the size of my palms. Also, Kirk Douglas is definitely going off script, and somewhere a producer is crying. Also, am I the only one who can’t understand him? I am sweating at the awkwardness of this. Finally! And the Best Supporting Actress is…(Sister Sesh’s nemesis)… Melissa Leo, The Fighter. Gorgeous dress, awkward repartee with The Douglas. And the bitch stole his cane.
5:59pm: 29 minutes in and we have our first F-bomb, thanks to Melissa. Can someone cue the orchestra? It’s supporting actress, not even full on actress. Enough already. Get off the stage.
6:00pm: Everyone should be required to refer to Mark Wahlberg as Marky Mark.
6:02pm: Mila looks like she has lavender boob tattoos. Seriously. And this award show is just weird. Weird vibe. Weird editing. Weird presenting. Shit, even James and Anne are acting (?) kind of weird.
6:06pm: Best “Full Length Cartoon,” as Dan calls it: Toy Story 3 (I just had to break it to Sister Sesh that Toy Story 3 isn’t going to win for Best Picture).
6:11pm: Is it some anniversary? What is up with all this retrospective stuff? I feel like they needed to explain that some more…So now Javier Bardem is going to explain some random fact about…wait, I just looked up from my keyboard…why are they wearing matching tuxes??? WHITE TUXES at that? Why is no one addressing this?
6:14pm: Oh yay, Social Network has won an award. Best Adapted Screenplay. Jesse Eisenberg has looked exactly the same at every award show. Don’t forget to thank JT!
6:16pm: No seriously, why is no one addressing the fact James and Javier are wearing the same tuxes (minus, as Dan helpfully pointed out, Javier’s has a shawl collar)
6:17pm: Best Original Screenplay. I like this old dude from The King’s Speech…he doesn’t even know where the mic is.
6:20pm: I just want to take a moment to apologize for this live blog sucking, if you’re still reading it. Probably because nobody served me a fucking Washington Apple, like Sister Sesh promised me.
6:21pm: Clearly the ability to sing a pre-req for hosting the Oscars.
6:23pm: And then James Franco walked out in drag….Good news, we have similar necklaces on!
6:29pm: Russell Brand and Helen Mirren. A natural pair. And she is speaking French. At least her dress isn’t super-low like it normally is. Guh, old boobs…
6:30pm: Best Foreign Language Film? I’m rooting for Canada. Astute observation from the winner: “This is a real Oscar.” Why yes, it is. And no, Canada didn’t win. Damn you, Academy!
6:35pm: OMG IT’S MOVIE STAR BARBIE!!!!!! Oh Reese, how many people died for your ponytail?
6:37pm: Best Supporting Actor: Christian Bale. And, another shawl collar tux! (side note, the lady at After Hours Tux Shop refused to let Bill wear a shawl collar tux, which I wanted, and look, look, they’re everywhere at the Oscars. Why did I defer to the opinion of a woman who works at Factoria Mall?).
6:39pm: In case you’re curious, I didn’t shower today. And I have BO. And I’m wearing an evening gown. From 1996.
6:41pm: Nicole Kidman’s dress is from the same decade as mine (1990s, bitches!).
6:43pm: Jesus, when is the In Memoriam section starting?
6:44pm: Best Original Score, the only category I actually would like to have The Social Network win. I think Reznor should insist on sitting in a spinning chair for his acceptance speech.
6:45pm: I love Scarlett Johansson’s dress, which is hard to say since I don’t love HER. Her hair, however, is Calista Flockhhart meets Michelle Pfeiffer…
6:46pm: Shit, Salt is up for an Academy Award?
6:49pm: “If we’re not here to judge, what are we here for?”… words of wisdom from Sister Sesh.
6:50pm: My sequins are scratchy. God only knows what my sister did in this dress 14 years ago… it WAS prom night.
6:53pm: I’m probably going to lose street cred when I publish this, it’s THAT BAD.
6:57pm: Marisa Tomei! My Cousin Vinnie!!! That’s why she’s here, right? Jesus, that bodice could cover double EE boobs… I mean, that is a ton of satin across your mams, Mar-Tom!
6:59pm: Please confirm, Anne is dressed like the black swan, right? Like, on purpose?
7:00pm: Cate Blanchett clearly fell into a vat of Dippin’ Dots.
7:03pm: My favorite category, Best Costume. Alice in Wonderland, a movie I actually saw! Colleen Atwood looks exactly like my my flower lady for my wedding. Also, WHY WHY WHY do costumers always have the most boring outfits? Where are the silver sequins, bedazzled bodices and busting boobs? [if anyone’s counting, this is like my 9th boob reference…not sure what my obsessions with famous boobs is…]
7:04pm: Well, Spacey is here to announce a Best Original Song. Shocking, that, for like, the 100th time, fucking Randy Newman is up for an award. It isn’t original when you just keep copying yourself.
7:06pm: I’m so bored I’m checking scores on my ESPN app.
7:07pm: I just asked Bill if that was the guy from Chuck. And I was kidding. And then Bill said it is. I am so confused. Chuck is also a signer? Also, Jenny said Mandy Moore was dressed like an ice dancer from the ’88 Olympics in Calgary, on the red carpet. Why she isn’t wearing it on stage, I’ll never know…
7:08pm: YAY! JAKE GYLLENHAAL IS COMING UP! Sorry, I had to get excited about something.
7:10pm: I have chaffage on my inner forearms from typing against my sparkles.
7:12pm: I love Amy Adams. And Jake. I’m still sad he and Reese didn’t marry and have beautiful babies.
7:13pm: I am almost through 2 V&Ts yet I feel sober … and I have to take a piss. I think the woman who won the short film award is a man in drag.
7:15pm: Millions rejoice: the great state of Delaware was thanked.
7:21pm: Really? Oprah? Hasn’t she conquered enough of the world? Must she be on the Oscars, too? Jenny can’t get past the fact her face looks like it got punched (strange shadowage).
7:22pm: The best documentary winners look THRILLED to win. THRILLED. The lady looks like someone just drowned her kitten. And she’s flaunting that this is only the second film she’s made. Take that, lifelong losers (we’re talking to you, Newman)!
7:30pm: Prior to the Oscars, I actually liked Anne Hathaway.
7:35pm: Coming up, Jennifer Hudson’s boobs (did she really lose all that weight via Weight Watchers? I mean, I’m going on WW if that’s the case).
7:41pm: Really? Gwyneth Paltrow as country music’s newest star? Not sure I’m on board with that. Or her white mic.
7:47pm: Biggest upset of the night: Randy Newman (20 noms) over Gwynnie for Best Song. I’m lodging a protest.
7:49pm: Sister Sesh is definitely winning the blog-off.
8:00pm: Celine Dion- this HAS to be the In Memoriam section. OMG, The old lady from Titanic died!!!! I didn’t know that.
8:04pm: James Cameron and Ken Jennings love child is accepting Best Director for King’s Speech.
8:06pm: Annette Bening’s dress looks like it was pulled from the costume closet on Tron.
8:10pm: Best Actress! I’ve woken up again: Also, all the women are wearing emeralds. What up with that? Wee! Natalie Portman and her unborn child have won. Cue the divorce lawyers.
8:20pm: Speaking of divorces…Sandy!!! Ooh, my favorite dress of the night. However, her hair looks as dirty as mine.
8:21pm: Best Actor Noms: Darling Javier Bardem, Jesse Eisenberg, who appears to be the same exact person as his character, Cutie Patootie James Franco, Jeff “Crazy Beard” Bridges, and … winner… Colin Firth! Oh you’ve come so far since Bridget Jones (but the reality is, I’ll always, always think of you as Mr. Darcy. And I, as your Elizabeth).
8:25pm: God, it’s finally almost over. I may be projecting my own failure onto the awards.
8:29pm: There’s 10 minutes left. Anne is clearly now just making gratuitous outfit changes.
8:32pm: Best Picture. I’m calling King’s Speech. If not, it’s stupid Social Network. I win! So did Sister Sesh, and she just started cawing with joy for having made the right pick.
Well, the only high point of this night was the food, Sister Sesh’s resurrected prom dress, and our collective ability to gaze upon James Franco. Good night. I’m going home to watch General Hospital (no, seriously, I am).
PS: I’d take Keyboard Cat over New York’s P.S.224 any day. Play me off, Keyboard Cat!