I read all of the Bachelorette profiles for this season’s Bachelor so that you don’t have to. I watched nary a single video, so this is all based off their online profiles:
Alexis: I believe that Alexis arrives in a dolphin suit (there are multiple dolphin fanatics on this season’s cast, which is why I am not 100% certain). This alone disqualifies her from lasting more than a week or two. Favorite profile quote: “I love the ocean and dogs are very active!”
Angela: Angela has a classic pageant look, so I am not surprised she describes her occupation as “model.” I am surprised, however, that she’s 5’7” (so we’re talking catalogue model. Or hand model. Mouth model? Impressive teeth). Our second dolphin fanatic (alphabetically, our contestants are two for two on loving dolphins). Aspiration: Be a stay at home mom and model some, “if possible.” Angela needs to believe in herself more.
Astrid: Astrid is our third dolphin-lover of the group. Apparently A names and dolphin fanaticism go hand in hand. Or a producer got bored and just made all of these women dolphin aficionados. Favorite profile moment: “If you could be any animal, which one and why? Dolphin, so I could rescue lost sailors.” I don’t think she understand how people lost at sea get rescued.
Briana: I am not fucking kidding you, she lists “Dolphin” as the animal she wants to be. We are now four for four. Did they do these interviews at an aquarium?? Favorite profile moment: “What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done? Moved to Utah.” Agreed.
Brittany: Her occupation is “travel nurse.” What is a travel nurse? Brittany manages to answer all her questions without making me question her IQ. I like Brittany. On paper. Brittany is in my pre-show Final Four.
Christen: She seems well-rounded, so she probably won’t make it far. Also, this: “If you could break any law, with no repercussions, which law, and why? I would break into the White House and spend months sleeping in a storage closet and observing what actually goes on behind closed doors.” Not at all creepy.
Corrine: Has the most boring profile so far (which hey, probably means she’s really nice and normal IRL, so there’s that).
Danielle L: Danielle L’s profile photo says “I’m fun! I’m sassy!” No boring headshot for her. Favorite profile moment: “What’s the most embarrassing thing you listen to? Glee Soundtracks!” Amen, sister.
Danielle M: Danielle M is an ancient 31 year old woman, who apparently tricked the producers somehow, into getting into this field of mid-20 somethings (Nick is 36, for those wondering). She has a sad backstory, she’s very pretty and her profile answers seem normal and serious. Danielle M is in my pre-show Final Four.
Oh my god, we’re only in the D’s.
Dominique: She looks really nice and has really pretty hair. She’s also a restaurant server, so she is patient and puts up with our shit. Favorite profile moment: “If you could be any animal, which one and why? I would be any kind of flying bird.” I appreciate the fact she specifies FLYING birds, vs non-flying birds. Because seriously, some people forget that NOT ALL BIRDS CAN FLY. I hope that she goes far, but statistically (Ahem, she is … not white) she probably won’t. Don’t blame me America, blame Nick.
Elizabeth “Liz”: Elizabeth “Liz” (different from just plain Elizabeth, coming up next). Liz is the type of girl you pick out immediately as Final Four potential, simply by photo. LIZ DOES NOT GIVE A FUCK WHAT PEOPLE THINK OF HER. How do I know this? She lists Brokedown Palace as one of her favorite movies and lists her guiltiest pleasure as: “Picking my nose while driving. I can’t help it and for some reason it’s always in my car.” Liz might be my new favorite person. Carpe diem, Liz!
Elizabeth: After Liz, I don’t even care.
Hailey: Hailey’s profile photo makes it look like she doesn’t know how she ended up here. Or she’s stoned. One of the two. Hailey’s profile answers match her photo. Favorite quotes: “Only children are strange” and “I’m not into butterflies at all.”
Ida Marie: Ida Marie needs no explaining. Her profile responses speak for her: “What is your favorite all-time book and why?: I need to read more books.” And “If you could be any fruit or vegetable, what would you be?: Strawberry – they are sexual and taste great with wine.” And the inexplicable, “If you could be any animal, which one and why? A giraffe, duh!”
Jaimi: She has a legit eyebrow scar. “What is your greatest achievement to date? Catering the Oscars.” It feels like Jaimi does not need to be on The Bachelor.
Jasmine B.: Yeah, there are two Jasmines on the Bachelor.
Jasmine G.: Jasmine G. is, I believe, snubbed by Nick in the first episode. I know this only because I saw one vague click-baity tweet, which I did not click on. “If you won the lottery, what would you do with your winnings?: First I would buy socks because I can never find them! Then buy out a sports team.” There’s no in-between in life, for Jasmine G.
Josephine: She lists her height as 5’7 and ¾. I just object to that ¾ inch with every fiber of me being. Sorry, Josephine.
Kristina. She’s my pre-show winner. Everything about her screams Bachelor winner. Good profile photo, traditional job that does not geographically tie her to a location (dental hygienist), orphan/adopted. Every answer in her profile is unimpeachable. Congratulations, Kristina, on winning the Bachelor!
Lacey: Lacey seems pretty normal, and then you get to this: “What’s your biggest date fear? That he’s going on another date right after.” Perhaps Lacey is unfamiliar with the concept of the Bachelor? OR PERHAPS SHE IS FACING HER FEARS.
Lauren: Lauren’s occupation is “Law School Graduate” which makes me just assume she is not an actual, practicing lawyer, and is either too embarrassed to tell us what she really does or… she is unemployed. Lauren also wants to be a dolphin, so after a dolphin void, we’re back on track. Favorite quote: “I could live on a farm and off the land any day.” I fear that Lauren (from Naples, Florida) might not actually understand what the realities of living off the land entail.
Michelle: She owns a food truck (win!) and possibly does not understand that Albus Dumbledore is a fictional character. She looks like she’s about 16 years old but is 24.
Olivia: Olivia is from Anchorage, Alaska, so I presume she applied to this show to GTFO of Anchorage (I’ve been there. It’s GTFO worthy, IMHO). Favorite profile moment: “What are you most afraid of? Spiders and not being able to find love.” The peanut butter and chocolate of fears.
Rachel: Rachel has Angela Bassett-quality arms, a physical trait I really admire. She also sounds like a really smart, well-rounded, successful person, so I don’t know why she is on this show. She’s the type of person I would want to win, but for the fact she is clearly far too good for this shit.
Raven. Raven looks exactly like you would imagine someone named “raven” to look. To the point I wonder if it is her real name. She’s from a town called Hoxie, Arkansas, which sounds pretty awful (but maybe is nice!). Favorite profile moment: “Who is your favorite actor and why? Brittany Murphy (when she was alive).”
Sarah. I had Sarah in my Final Four based solely on tiny profile photos, and then I read her profile. “If you could be any animal, which would you be and why? A puppy! Or, if you’re a bird, I’m a bird right? :)” What the fuck does that even mean? ALSO, THIS WOMAN IS TEACHING OUR CHILDREN.
Susannah: She lists her greatest achievements as: “Flying to Europe on a whim with one of my best friends.” She is 26 years old. I really, really, REALLY hope that is not her greatest achievement in life.
Taylor: Taylor is 23 and lists her career as a “mental health counselor”, an occupation which I had hoped you would need some sort of advanced degree (but clearly don’t, because I repeat, she is 23). Favorite profile moment: “Who is your favorite clothes designer? Forever 21” (I repeat, Nick is THIRTY SIX FUCKING YEARS OLD. HER PROFILE LITERALLY READS LIKE SOMEONE IN HIGH SCHOOL). Taylor, I beg you – do not date a thrice-failed Bachelor contestant who is 13 years older than you. ENJOY YOUR TWENTIES, TAYLOR. BE FREE. STREAK, LIKE YOU’VE NEVER STREAKED BEFORE!
Vanessa: Vanessa is another person that seems really normal. Her most intriguing profile moment: “If you could be any fruit or vegetable, which one would you be? An onion because they’re a staple item and can be found all year round.” Ok.
Whitney: She smiles without teeth, which immediately makes me suspect. Her profile is pretty boring, but for the fact she would be Gisele for a day because she “has the reputation of being a really successful model.” I like that Whitney is not totally convinced of Gisele’s success levels, but implies that people SAY Gisele is successful. Our very own Doubting Thomas (er, Whitney). If I had to assign a villain character, based solely on profile photos, I’d vote Whitney. Also, have you ever met a really nice, friendly, warm person named Whitney? I realize they exist, but they are like Unicorns. But real.
Contestants who list Titanic, a movie about a shit ton of people dying, as their favorite movie: Four
Contestants who choose Ariel, from the Little Mermaid, as the fictional character they most want to be: Three, one of which specifically wants to be Ariel “pre-legs”
Contestants who can’t live without their mom: 3+ (I forgot I was keeping track of this stat and am not taking the time to go back through these profiles). Someone should probably start preparing them for the inevitability of that moment. I know. It took a dark turn.
Contestants who admire and/or want to be Olivia Pope from Scandal: Almost every fucking one.
This cast is by FAR the most ethnically diverse, and Nick must have quite a penchant for brunettes (OUR TIME HAS COME!). Enjoy this season of The Bachelor! On ABC. Mondays, I think. Maybe at like, 9pm? Just set your DVR. I can’t be bothered with the details.