The Bachelorette: All the Guys Sound Terrible

For travelling reasons, not going to be able to do my usual Bachelorette/Bachelor blogging this season BUT, just took a look at the cast and my god, it’s dire. How could they do this to the best Bachelorette in recent memory?!

Check out all the cast photos and bios here.  I didn’t link each name!

Adam: Normal, until this gem: “What is the most romantic present you have ever received and why? Threesome. It was my birthday.”

Alex: He says his favorite artist is The Rock. THE ROCK. I have no words. (Side note: the two artists mentioned by contestants as their “favorite artist” are 1.) The Rock and 2.) Jean-Michel Basquiat. One of JMB’s painting just sold for $110.5 million which is the most money ever paid for a piece painted by an American artist. Ever. The Rock has gigantic muscles. That is all.)

Anthony: Seems smart, well-educated, normal. Only 26 so maybe a bit young for Rachel?

Blake E: I could not get past his occupation which is “aspiring drummer.”  He’s 31 years old. Come on. Aspire your way into a paying job.

Blake K:If you were stranded on a dessert island, what would it be made of? “Chipotle because Chipotle is my life.”  In fairness to Blake K, I too, just thought the writer spelled “Desert” incorrectly (they did not).

Brady: Brady literally looks like a text book “male model” and THAT IS WHAT HE IS. The most romantic gift he has ever received is Lululemon sweatpants because “She knew the way to my heart is cuddling on the couch in well-made, high-quality sweats.” Tell that to all those women with the see through lululemon pants, Brady.

Bryan: The most normal so far, nothing too scary in his bio. Except he’s a chiropractor.

Bryce: I urge you to take a good long hard look at Bryce’s profile photo and then explain to me if someone went nuts with photoshop or what. His ears look positively elfen and his jaw is literally wider than his forehead. I can say all of this and be sort of mean because he said this: “How would you describe yourself as a lover? A fresh drink of water with a jolt of lightning.” Bryce… electricity and water are a bad combination.

Dean: 26, looks like he’s 22. “What does being married mean to you? I think marriage is an institutionalized sham derived from religious beliefs. That said, when I get married, it’s a life-long commitment.” Good thing he came on the show.

Demario: I thought Demario was good – cute, the right age, employed… then this: “Do you have any pets and if so, what kind? No pets but when I’m married with children I will own a pet lion and name him, “Denzel, the lion.””  However, also this rather well thought out gem as a counterpoint: “I won’t lie, I love attention… not like ’07 B. Spears attention or 2011 Sheen. Natural attention like when Justin and Brit wore those incredible denim outfits.” Those are the kind of thoughtful pop culture references I respect.

Diggy: I don’t care what Diggy said in any of his bio, I only care about this response: “What is a typical Saturday night like for you? Now, I’m trying to recover from all the day drinking! It can consist of napping to go back out or just recovering.” Are these things written AFTER the show? Why else is he day drinking? #Investigate

Eric: The requisite ‘personal trainer’ of the bunch. He seems super into Tony Robbins which just gives me great big, red warning flags.

Fred: Almost every guy in their cast photo is wearing a v-neck or round neck tee. Not Fred. Fred has on a collared shirt AND a sweater. Fred looks 45 years old. And this, which made me just…gag: “there are times that I get aroused at work and I have to go back to my desk to avoid being noticed.” (he’s an executive assistant, for those wanting to know about his arousing work).

Grant: Grant looks like Penn Badgley, after you’ve had two stiff drinks.

Iggy: Iggy seems pretty normal, but he said “I once got a boner during a board meeting. I had to present sitting down.” So apparently this is a thing, that I could have gone my whole life without knowing.

JACK STONE: Deliver unto us the greatest mystery of all! Why is he listed by his full name? Does he only go by Jack Stone? Does he not answer to just Jack? WE NEED ANSWERS. (otherwise- normal dude. Of course, I said that about Corrine last year, too).

Jamey: Jamey’s profile is a classic. You start at the top – photo – decent. Age and occupation? Seems right on. First few answers: good, good, sweet, nice, funny. Then there’s a kind of weird answer. Then a really shallow one. And then one that makes you just think of him as a complete weirdo lunatic.

Jedediah: He legit sounds like his name. He’s good on paper, if a bit mountain man.

Jonathan: He described his occupation as “Tickle Monster” which made me tab through to the next contestant because NO FUCKING THANK YOU, MISTER.

jonathanbachelorette
If you see this guy, run. 

Josiah: My current favorite to win this thing, based on profile. Seems like a good match for Rachel.

Kenny: Apparently The Rock is this season’s “Ariel.” The common thread that binds these men together: a singular love for Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. Kenny is a wrestler though so it feels a bit more on point for him. Kenny’s photo makes him just look SO NICE.

Kyle: Super intense and sort of sounds like an asshole. Would be good to keep him around to instigate shit.  And this nonsensical answer: “Gluten? Not really sure what it is or what food it lives in, but I select gluten-free menu options when I can.” Like, wtf would you avoid it if you don’t even know what it IS?

Lee: Lee should revisit his hairstyle. That is all.

Lucas: He lists his occupation as “Whaboom” (which for me is “WhaWhat the Fuck) He is an adult man that has an ant farm.

Matt: Super, super normal responses.

Michael: Ex professional basketball player, who played in Bulgaria. I’m pretty sure this was a plot line on The New Girl.

Milton: The second cast member who has a tattoo on the inside of his bottom lip, which is apparently a thing. Also, the most non-Milton looking Milton ever. Although all Miltons look like Milton from Office Space, in my world. Cheers, Milton. (also: he cops to the real reason he is on this show is to ‘get discovered’ which is EVERYONE’S REASON but no one admits to it normally).

milton
Everyone’s favorite Milton!!! 

Mohit: I love Mohit! I hope he goes far. “Gluten? I’m going to dress up as that for Halloween.”

Peter: Claims to have been a model, but I have my doubts, Peter. I have my doubts.

(thank god this cast is alphabetically front loaded … dying here)

Rob: Rob looks like a mash up between Tom Cruise and Peter Quinn from Homeland.

robbachelor
I present to you the impossible love child of Tom Cruise and the actor who plays Peter Quinn on Homeland that I’m too lazy to IMDB!

Will: Nice! Normal! The last person I have to write about!

I like Josiah, Mohit, Jedidah and Brian (on paper)…. but no one is really jumping off the screen here as an obvious frontrunner… so we’ll just have to watch and see!

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