Fantasy Suite week is so brutal. The premise is basically “sleep with three women in one week, then dump one!” FUN! So, so fun for everyone involved. Especially Raven, it would appear. If I was Raven and someone pitched that “I Just Got Laid and I’m SO HAPPY!” dance scene, I would have asked a PA to replicate it and then given it a hard pass. I WOULD HAVE WALKED OFF SET BEFORE AGREEING TO PARTAKE IN THAT STUPID SCENE. My god people, let that woman have a shred of dignity.
The rest of the show isn’t even worth recapping, but here are a few takeaways:
Rachel is bad at cross-country skiing. She lives in Dallas, so NBD.
Rachel owns a penguin onesie.
Finnish reindeer are ADORABLE.
Vanessa could seamlessly be placed in a mid-90s episode of Baywatch and would not look anachronistic (not a diss, she just really would have shined in the 1990s)
Sleeping with someone and then breaking up with them later in the week – so douchy (Nick, and probably every other contestant that came before him). But still.
Raven wore pants to the Rose Ceremony, because it’s Finland in the dead of winter and evening gowns are really a touch out of place.
Rachel is moving on to MUCH BETTER THINGS (I hope)
Vanessa is definitely ‘winning’ this thing.
I have only watched about twenty minutes of the Women Tell All show (aka, last grasp at fame), but a few observations:
A large portion of the women were dressed and styled more for a Miss America pageant than a talk show program.
Liz was almost unrecognizable. She was incredibly pretty on The Bachelor, even when she had very little make up on, so I’m not sure why she went Full Pageant on us.
Danielle M. needed a sweater.
There was a girl who I literally kept saying “who is that?” every time they panned to her (NOT Whitney)
In the first twenty minutes there was numerous moments where the women were just shouting over each other like a bad episode of Maury Povich and oddly Corrine is the one who just sat there looking like the normal one.
Let’s begin with the sad news that my Final Four is completely busted and all my teams are on buses (limos) heading back to their schools (modest hometown fame/future stints on Bachelor Paradise).
Somewhere along the way this show became a depressing hellscape of no fun. Last week was a downer, with six women going home, and this week was possibly even MORE of a downer. Sunny beaches and yachts can only lift us viewers so high, when we have Nick annihilating everyone in sight. So many sad faces, so many tears (Mostly Nick’s… he cries a lot.).
After some faux “will Nick leave?” drama (thank god Chris Harrison flew into USVI just to have that talk on the beach), everyone quickly forgot their fears over the St Thomas Massacre and they all squealed about going to Bimini, which is basically the same as St Thomas but with no Kmart*. And further north. And I’m sure they have cultural differences (that we did not delve into). But anyway, they went to another tropical island.
Vanessa gets the first one on one date and they go yachting and talk about their feelings while posing in swimwear (lot of yachts in Bimini, lot of yachts on this episode). They then go to fake dinner and everything seems to be going well (Vanessa looks stunning, while not eating fake dinner on a windy, random dock). She begins to open up to him and then Nick does his classic “Welp, I can’t really tell you how I feel because there’s a lot of relationships I’m exploring” thing. Vanessa’s face goes sour. I would have liked a hearty “fuck you” and walk away, but sadly she did not do that. This entire set up really just seemed like an attempt to keep some mystery as to who sticks around, because nothing about the last six weeks of The Bachelor makes me think she’s NOT making it to the Top 2.
Corrine, Raven and Kristina go on another yacht date (Corrine: “I’m from South Florida. I look really good on a yacht”) and they swim with sharks. A bit on the nose, ABC. Nick takes this opportunity to slather Kristina with sunblock and, like all men, uses WAY TOO MUCH. Ugh. Raven ends up winning the rose on the group date (for reasons unbeknownst to us), making her the only ‘safe’ person at the end of the show. I sort of underestimated her, although my original assessment: “Raven just seems like the type of girl that men like.” kind of holds water. I don’t entirely know WHAT Nick likes about her so much (they have not shown the two of them having much of a serious connection). Corrine is pissed because she doesn’t get the rose (a huge amount of this episode is dedicated to interviews or shots of Corinne worrying about not getting the rose. It’s exhausting.).
Next up is a one on one with Danielle, which consists of them riding bikes around the island. To recap – four girls went on a nice yacht, three got to swim with sharks. Danielle gets to ride a bike and play an embarrassing game of basketball (the hoop looks to be about 4 feet off the ground) with local kids (no offense to the locals but… yachts). They spout their producer-fed island history lines to the camera like a bad audition tape and it becomes clear that Danielle is going home. They have nothing to talk about. THEY ARE FROM THE SAME STATE, AND YET CAN’T EVEN REMINISCE ABOUT GOOD ‘OLE WISCONSIN. The silence is deafening. Sadly Danielle M, like Danielle L, is oblivious to Nick’s disinterest and over fake dinner begins telling him that she is really into him (or ‘open’ to him, whatever that means). Everything seems like it’s going well and then Nick’s face does The Glaze, the music changes, and we all just shake our heads and sigh. I don’t know why they/Nick force these women to pour out their feelings, only to turn around and be like “You’re going home!”. A nice person would be like, “Hey, guess what – I’m not that into you, let’s just call it” BEFORE the woman starts spouting off about how “open” she is to him (or my favorite, “I can see myself falling in love with you.”)
Nick walks Danielle back to her SUV, where she has to go home and pack her bags (apparently they are short-handed on PAs in Bimini) and face the girls. There was a noticeable lack of sadness about her departure, which made me question how people felt about Danielle, although they kept calling her ‘sweet’ (generally code for ‘boring’).
Next we have the last one on one date, which is with Rachel. Rachel and Nick go to a local’s bar. I think that’s all they did. They literally went to an empty beach bar, drank weirdly wrapped beer bottles (Rachel: “uh… I guess I’ll have … beer?”) and chat about the upcoming hometown dates (Did you know hometowns are next week? Oh you didn’t? You must have not been listening to the 40+ times it was mentioned on the show). Rachel soothes Nick’s fear of being the only white guy in her home (well, sort of) by telling him she has dated other white men but not brought them home to meet her family. I want to sidebar and point out that Rachel has not hand a SINGLE bad moment on this show, other than quitting that stupid volleyball game. And she’s had a lot of screen time. A really impressive feat/conscious choice by the editors!
Finally we get to the inevitable “woman seeks out The Bachelor in his room” scene that happens every year. This year it’s Corrine, which they’ve been hyping for awhile with the “heart is gold, vagine is platinum” line (how many times do you think she has said that IRL? Like is that a go-to line?) She shows up at his hotel room and she suggests they go into his bedroom and she closes the door and they leave their mics on and he says “What did you have in mind?” which I realize was not meant to sound like she’s a prostitute but DEFINITELY came off that way. Then it’s just all awkward breathing and shuffling and then him telling her to take it slow and then her just saying “Oh my god, oh my god” with what sounds like embarrassment and / or horror and then she emerges again from the room, denied by Nick. Just the height of squirmy embarrassment, relieved only by the hilarity of her stalking out of the hotel in her Louboutins and aiming straight for a set of automatic doors, only to bypass them and push her way out the regular door (it was funnier on screen, trust me.). Watch it here. Seriously.
The end of the show reveals that Nick is just SUPER not into cocktail parties anymore, so he decides to give Kristina the boot privately, at the house. Kristina, super star, is just stone faced (earlier in the episode, Nick is literally tearing up and she’s like “well, you can’t have us all, you have to make a decision” and I’m like “YES, SISTER!”). She accuses him of not giving her a chance and then he gets all defensive and we’re left with the distinct impression that Kristina won and Nick lost. Which I’m ok with. Kristina and her beautiful teeth and perfect ponytail head back to Kentucky.
The teaser is that Nick is going to do something shocking next week (there were no previews of hometown dates, not sure if that is standard Bachelor practice or if they’re hinting at something). My theory is that Nick cuts it down to two people, and goes on only two hometown family visits (because why the hell would he want to face four families, all of which would ask ‘Why have you been on this show so many times?”).
On with The Bachelor Power Rankings!
Vanessa – I still think Vanessa makes it to the Top 2, along with Corrine. Even with that little faux dust-up over faux dinner. Vanessa has made it through this show (so far) looking smart, assertive, beautiful and thoughtful. This is…almost impossible to achieve on this franchise.
Corrine – I don’t personally see a long, bright future with Nick and Corrine but she could easily make the top two. Now that they are done painting her as the villain, she’s far more likeable (I mean, don’t get me wrong, she’s 100% not someone I would spend time with, but they are making her seem at least a little less wacky. Or maybe I’m just getting used to it. Oh god.). She also called Raquel her maid for the first time, vs. nanny, as well as her “best friend.” Her hired help is her best friend. That’s so sad.
Raven – I fully admit that I do not ‘get’ Raven. She seems like a perfectly fine, normal woman, but I don’t see a lot of depth. In fairness, this show is heavily edited, but you’d think we’d have seen something between her and Nick if she’s the winner.
Rachel – We know Rachel does not win (and I use that word VERY loosely) this thing because on Monday afternoon, she was inexplicably announced as the next Bachelorette. Or we know if she wins, they’re no longer together. Seems like an incredibly weird time to announce her as the next Bachelorette and thus kill the suspense (esp. considering she was a front runner to win), but who am I to question ABC?
Danielle M. – Always tough to see a strong favorite fizzle. Farewell, Danielle, to you and and your boho fashion. At least you can leave knowing everyone thought you were ‘so sweet.’
Kristina – Kristina had a really strong episode even though she was kicked off. She’s so blunt and straightforward it’s incredibly refreshing, on a show filled with women who have tripped over themselves to try and gain Nick’s love and affection. Da sveedaneeya, Kristina.
*I did not CONFIRM there was no Kmart on Bimini, rather just hoped.
Clearly the travel budget has shrunk, because there was a mass culling on this week’s episode of The Bachelor.
We start where we left off (sigh), with the obligatory “Taylor’s going to tell Nick that Corrine’s a liar” scene which goes exactly as one would predict: Taylor tells Nick that Corrine is a liar. Nick mumbles something like “thanks” or “I know” or “what’s your name again?” and then Taylor goes home, where I can only assume she’s now having a VERY difficult time being taken seriously as a mental health counselor.
The girls are then all shuttled via a horse-drawn omnibus to a house in New Orleans, where Chris Harrison (who I can only presume goes home every night and rolls around in money, cackling at how he gets paid to routinely utter one line a show, e.g. “Ladies, it’s time.”) announces that there will be no cocktail party because everyone is teetering on the edge of alcohol poisoning. Or because Nick doesn’t want one. I can’t recall which is true. We say goodbye to Jaimi, Josephine (fist pump!) and Alexis the DolphinShark. We do not say goodbye to Whitney (who has possibly had less dialogue on this show than Chris Harrison).
Everyone is rounded up and told to pack the tiniest swimsuits and jortiest jean shorts they own because they’re headed to St. Thomas in the U.S. Virgin Islands (I mean, seriously, you could pick 20 better Caribbean islands than St. Thomas. There is A FREAKING K-MART ON ST. THOMAS. I know this because I. Have. Been. To It [both the island and the K-Mart])*.
Off they go to meh St. Thomas where they stay at a meh Marriott and go on a bunch of meh dates. The central theme of this episode (other than “not having fun”) was “I have not been on a one on one date with Nick, THUS I DESERVE TO GO ON ONE.” This includes Whitney, Jasmine and Kristina. Jasmine and Whitney complain loudly on camera of not going on a one on one so we immediately know that Kristina will be the one to get it. She packs an extra-large dose of her native Russian pragmatism and they head off to the beach where they make out (shocking) and then go to a dinner where Nick questions her about her history and how she came to America. This is actually the most interesting part of the entire season, and Nick looks legitimately enthralled (by Nick standards) with what she’s saying. She gets the rose (although really, after her story, which includes the phrase “I ate lipstick. Didn’t taste good,” you’d have to be a really mean person to NOT give her the rose).
Next is a group date, where they go hang out at what looks like a shitty public park on a beach and play volleyball (All of them, under duress) and drink (Corrine) and stare sadly out to sea (Rachel, Vanessa and Danielle M.). I mean, I’m not surprised they were all crying by the end of it because boy did it look like a boring date compared to some of the others on this show. Volleyball proved to be too much for these girls and eventually Jasmine pushes Corrine into the sand (we all want to), Rachel quits playing (frankly, not the one I thought would be the quitter), Danielle M. and Vanessa start crying, and Raven just keeps serving to an empty field (guess who gets the group date rose? Raven, the Non Quitter).
All of this is just the appetizer for the evening group cocktail party which is a non-stop barrage of Jasmine talking about how much she likes Nick but how she’s pissed that she has not gotten much time with him. When she finally gets time with him, she strangles him. Twice. She calls it a ‘chokie.’ This is a true thing that happened on the show. Nick is not amused and sends her home as fast as possible. Raven is given the rose and it is apparently so uninteresting it does not even make the actual episode cut and is instead mentioned by another girl in VO.
Finally we have another two on one date with Danielle L. (or “DLo,” a nickname that, come episode 6, is suddenly mentioned 100 times) and Whitney. This is a weird pairing, because DLo has had a fair amount of time with Nick and Whitney has had none. Normally these dates feature two backburners or two people who hate each other. They go to a deserted sandbar (islet? rock?) by helicopter for the sole purpose of Nick telling one girl he’s leaving them on said islet. The date literally consists of: helicopter arrival. Awkward couch time with all three. One on one time with Whit. One on one time with Danielle. Nick saying “I’ll be right back” and running over to Whit to tell her she’s headed back to Minnesota. Helicopter departs with Danielle and Nick. Whitney is abandoned on islet to be pick up by a passing fisherman or similar (Although enjoy the alternate universe where she begins her own colony and rules it as a sovereign islet nation of yoga devotees).
Then we get to what is just the most awful, awkward part of an already exceedingly depressing episode, where Nick and DLo sit down to a pretend dinner and she proceeds to tell him how much she likes him and his face just glazes over into what is clearly a “I’m about to send you home” look but somehow she does not see it and oh my god then she’s suddenly telling him she’s falling in love with him and I am screaming “WOMAN, DO YOU NOT SEE HIS FACE RIGHT NOW??”. It was awkward. Kudos to her for keeping a really nice, straight face when he gave her the boot though.
The show ends with Nick busting in on the remaining girls (most of which have little to no makeup on, which gives me great, great joy) and crying and telling them basically that he’s not sure he’s actually going to find love on this show (can’t fathom why he would think that after three tries) and then he just walks out. Very classic “I’m miserable so YOU must be made to feel miserable, too” approach from Nick.
WILL HE COME BACK? (Answer, yes, because this is The Bachelor and they have like, five more episodes to fill).
On with The Bachelor Power Rankings!
Vanessa (+ 1 spot) – Vanessa has been sort of in the background over the last few weeks but sometimes that’s a good thing.
Rachel (- 1 spot) – Rachel quits the volleyball game and instigates the Great Volleyball Rebellion of 2016. Later she told Nick she’s just not down with all the games and she’s only there for him and I thought it was going OK until he was like “well if you don’t want to be here you shouldn’t be here.” I still think she makes Top 4 though.
Corrine (+1 spot) – Suddenly Corrine seems to be friends with the girls, so maybe it was just Taylor that had problems with her. She continues to drink a lot, sleep a lot and drop gems like “Cats have nine lives and bitches have two.” WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? Raquel 2.0 (Lorna) shows up to be their maid (that’s what it is, people. A maid.) and Corrine’s eyes light up like it’s Christmas because YAY THE SERVANT IS HERE! And I’m just sinking below the cushions of the couch because This. Is. So. Wrong.
Raven (+ 1 spot) – I’m just begrudgenly beginning to like Raven, which probably means she’s about to get the ax. Nick seems to be kind of into her small town ingénue thing. They don’t really seem to have any chemistry but oh well.
Kristina (+ 1 spot) – Giving her a bump for sharing her family history on national TV, which she really did NOT seem like she wanted to do. Also, when asked about her birth mother, she bluntly says “She’s dead.” Which is just SO not the way things are done on these dates so applause to Kristina for not sugar coating everything in life. Also, fantastic teeth.
Danielle M. (- 2 spots) – All I could focus on was how different Danielle looked in this episode. Different hairstyle? Even less makeup? She also had a lot of “crying on the beach” scenes during the volleyball game and I’m just at the point where I’m giving up on this early front runner (although she still could make it to Top 4).
Somehow of the six remaining, two of them were in my original Final Four (Kristina and Danielle M.). Neither of which are winning it.
Five of these six girls were in my bottom five last week, and all went home this week (patting self on back):
Jaimi – In honor of her going home, I’m finally spelling her name correctly.
Josephine – You may have won some battles, Josephine, but I won the war.
Alexis the DolphinShark – Back to New Jersey to pursue her career as a DolphinShark trainer.
Jasmine G. – It’s possible that if we didn’t have the Corrine Show, we’d have had the Jasmine Show. Because that lady is INTENSE.
Whitney – No longer will Bill be able to turn to me and say “Who?”
Danielle L. – Apparently publicly dancing on a stage in front of a crowd (twice) is not the foundation to a solid romance.
* Google has informed me there are TWO K-Marts on St. Thomas.