Golden Globes 2017: Best and Worst Dressed

The Golden Globes seemed to have gotten tamer and tamer over the years, and this show was no exception. The intro was fun and light-hearted and the kids from Stranger Things owned it (with Kit Harrington turning in a solid second place performance as clueless guy sleeping in the limo. And Tina Fey. And JT. Ok, I guess the opening had a lot of highlights).

I don’t watch Fallon’s show, but let’s just say he clearly does not come from a school of improv, based on his lackluster stall while waiting for the teleprompter to be fixed (I mean, don’t get me wrong, that literally sounds like a host’s ACTUAL worst nightmare, but a comedian seems equipped to cover it a touch better than he did). He then apparently hid in his dressing room for the rest of the night, since I barely remember seeing him after the opening act.

Before we get to the good stuff (the clothes), my own Golden Globes Awards:

Best Reverse Aging: Brad Pitt (runner up – Tim Olyphant, who now looks younger than he did in Deadwood). Brad Pitt has been involved in a custody battle that somehow involves the FBI, yet apparently losing custody of 8 kids (or however many they have – I can’t keep track) makes you look TEN TO FIFTEEN YEARS YOUNGER. Go figure.

brad-pitt
That tan! That hair! It’s like 2010 Brad Pitt is back!

Most Terrifying Facial Hair: Chris Pine, doing a spot on impression of Teen Wolf.

chris-pine
The skin to hair ratio here is alarming.

Celebrity Turning into Another Celebrity: Casey Affleck has become the (technically impossible) love child of Joaquin Phoenix and Jared Leto. Just, startling.

casey-affleck
Not pictured: Mini ponytail.

Most Unnecessary Award Sharing: Ryan Gosling, sharing his award with Emma Stone and Damian Chazelle, who FUCKING WON THEIR OWN AWARDS, SO THERE. (I mean, I love Gosling, don’t get me wrong).

Most Factually Accurate International Statement: “Ryan Gosling, like all the nicest people, is Canadian.” – Meryl Streep.

OK onto the good stuff – the dresses. Overall, I was underwhelmed. I didn’t think there were a lot of clear OMG AMAZING dresses, nor (sadly) a lot of “WTF IS SHE WEARING?” dresses either. Let’s hope the Oscars serve up something better.

Best Dressed:

Kristen Bell: The best of the Plunging Black Dress phenomenon. Just the right amount of sparkle, the right amount of skin. This look is sometimes hard to pull off when you are short, but she looked phenomenal.

kristen-bell-1
Kristen Bell on the Red Carpet.
kristen-bell-2
Kristen Bell in Life.

Mandy Moore: Another really good showing for the PBD, but a little more romantic than most of the other sleek and sexy PBDs.

mandy-moore
I’m contractually obligated to point out that Mandy Moore went to Bishop Moore High School with my sophmore year college roommate. However, it is not until this exact moment that I realized her last name is the same as her high school. 

Blake Lively: Blake Lively is a fashion queen, and she RARELY gets it wrong on the red carpet. Her black and gold number was relatively simple but different enough that it stood out from the crowd.

blake-lively
Take your hands out of your pockets! It’s like she didn’t read my 2016 Golden Globes blog. 

Emma Stone: There’s something a bit overt about an ingénue wearing stars on her dress when she’s up for an award for a movie called La La Land, but other than that I thought it was very cute and very on trend with the silver (So. Much. Silver).

emma-stone
I somehow missed how tone on tone her skin color and the dress are, but I’m still a fan. 

Anette Bening and Sarah Paulson – Both wore high necked, long sleeved silver tone dresses and both looked really great – bonus to Annette Bening who looks like a fun hang, based on her dynamite red carpet smile. She’s literally GRINNING.

anette-bening
I have never seen someone look this legitimately happy to be on the red carpet.
sarah-paulson
First: the shoulder puffs make this dress worthy of the list. Second: I do not know what is going on here. Are they dating? Last time I checked, Sarah Paulson was dating a like, 70 year old woman (which Amanda Peet is clearly not).

Carrie Underwood: I loved this dress, although I’ve seen it on some Worst Dressed lists. My astute husband pointed out it looks like a horse head is draped around her neck, but hey, she’s from Oklahoma.

carrie-underwood
In case you can’t see it, the horse snout is right where her right fingertips are. And then just work your way up to the eye and the mane. 

Kristen Wiig: No stranger to wearing really unusual dresses to award shows. I liked this dress a lot, and it’s incredibly hard to pull off, but I think if you’re K-Wiig you can and she did.

kristen-wiig
I love this dress more and more, every time I see it. 

Thandie Newton – The trifecta: trendy look (exposed shoulders) plus some metallic (bronze hem) plus an unexpected dress color (white).

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals
Do not mess with Thandie Newton. IRL or in Westworld. 

Zoe Saldana: The best of the “girly pink with bows” trend (See Claire Foy, Felicity Jones). I love the tone on tone pinks and the bow is not over the top. Also, not a lot of ruffled dresses so this one felt different and eye-catching.

zoe-saldana
Bonus points for the incredibly natural makeup look, which was at odds with what many women were wearing (See: Olivia Culpo)

Reese Witherspoon: This is more a top to bottom look, versus a best dressed. Her hair, makeup, jewelry and dress are just perfectly combined. Especially on a night of some shitty makeup.

reese-witherspoon
I challenge you to find me a shitty Reese Witherspoon award show red carpet look. Her Google Image results are spectacular. 

Best Trend: Sleek silver. It was like a sea of fishes in that joint.

Worst Trend: Sleeves with open shoulders. Pointless and probably really hard to actually lift your arms past about 45 degrees.

Worst Dressed:

Kerry Washington: Matador jacket shoulders, random appliques and an ankle length hemline which I just DESPISE. Oh, and on second look – some bonafide black grannypant style underwear.

kerry-washington
I see London, I see France, I see someone’s stylist getting fired.

Nicole Kidman: I blame this dress on Keith Urban. It was within his ability to rip the sleeves off before she left the house, via a small, completely unintentional “accidental” trip n’ grab. And yet he didn’t.

nicole-kidman
You know that old Coco Chanel adage about taking one thing off before you leave the house? Nicole has never heard it. 

Sarah Jessica Parker– SJP wears ballgowns. It’s what she does. At the Golden Globes, she wore a tablecloth, with two napkins for sleeves. A rare miss-step.

sjp
How many people do you think wanted to just drop something in those sleeves to see if she noticed?

Jessica Chastain: Jessica and I do not see eye to eye on fashion. I don’t know if I ever have liked one of her award season gowns.  From the appliques, to the horrible neckline, this dress is just a giant Fail.

jessica-chastain
This feels like an early 2000s prom dress, a phrase no one wants to be associated with.

Sophie Turner: Looks like a dance troupe costume crossed with a deconstructed tuxedo. At least she looks like she is owning the look.

sophie-turner
Her expression basically says she’s seen the script for Game of Thrones and she’s burning all you assholes to the ground, so there’s that.

Natalie Portman: Sorry, pregos don’t get a pass from me. My biggest problem with this dress is the color, which I don’t think looks good on her. And then to have it be SO MUCH FABRIC. As a strapless dress, I think this would have worked.

natalie-portman
This is not quite Drew Barrymore levels of bad pregnancy fashion, but it’s kind of close. 

Felicity Jones: I hate this dress. It’s like someone took a magic marker and drew on the details.

felicity-jones
This is not Zoey Deschanel. 

On the Fence:

Jessica Biel – I like that it is different, but the bodice feels like there is just TOO much missing.

jessica-biel
This is in the same vein as Kerry Washington, but done a hell of a lot better. 

Hailee Steinfeld. Again with the sleeves. This dress would be on my Best Dressed list, if those sleeves went bye-bye. Points for the color though.

hailee-steinfeld
There’s a tiny bit of Ice Capades going on, but overall I’m a fan. Minus the sleeves (the heirarchy of Terrible Sleeves is: Kidman, SJP, Steinfeld)

Claire Foy: Another dress that is probably divisive – it’s a LOT of pink sparkle, but on a night of silver sparkle, it stood out. And she’s British and her acceptance speech made her sound really likeable and sort of Adele 2.0.  Seems like it might be better in person, than in photos.

claire-foy
You get one shiny, pink princess dress. That’s it. 

Color of the Night: Silver. Runner-up: Black (preferably with a J-Lo esque plunge)

 

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2016 Golden Globes Best and Worst Dressed

I didn’t get to immerse myself into the Golden Globes as much as I usually do, but I still can’t resist putting together a quick Best and Worst Dressed. I actually thought this year’s event didn’t have a lot of highs and lows…Most people looked really good, with a lot of safe choices (and hey, there’s nothing wrong with that – after all you’re very likely going to be seen by millions of people, many of whom are judgy internet people like moi).

Golden Globes Best Dressed: 

  1. Jennifer Lopez. All hail the queen. I’m an unabashed JLo fan, and I thought she owned the night in her yellow caped number. This is not a dress you can pull off without the right skin tone, the right body and the right attitude (few caped numbers are, frankly). Loved everything about it (maybe she can tell the people on Shades of Blue to get her a better hairstyle):

    Jennifer Lopez
    Lady in Cape, Looking Fierce.
  2. Jennifer Lawrence. The Jennifer L crew was doing well last night. I loved J Law’s dress as much as I loved J Low’s dress, but I give the edge to Low since the color is more daring (Low vs Law…not at all confusing). Jennifer is looking more like a thin starlet these days, but oh well – at least she’s not wearing that tampon dress.

    Surprisingly icy, for being so red on red.
    Surprisingly icy, for being so red on red.
  3. Brie Larson. We’ve hit number three and I’m already losing passion for these dresses but I liked her fun, different take on the gold sheath. I mean, is it earth-shattering? No. Is is pretty and does she look lovely in it? Yes.

    She's a touch slouchy, but she just looks so nice. Like a nice person. Remember, nice people get bonus points.
    She’s a touch slouchy, but she just looks so nice. Like a nice person. Remember, nice people get bonus points.
  4. Lily James. I liked this dress more in photos then I did on the telecast, but I thought she pulled of white very well (on a night where there was not a lot of white). Some probably think it’s too sweet or boring, but it feels like it fits her image very well.

    So gauzy. So, so gauzy.
    So gauzy. So, so gauzy.
  5. Jenna Dewan Tatum. This dress is teetering – with a few more folds of fabric it could end up as a total nightmare, but I like the color and the grandiose look on a night where the ballgown seemed to be otherwise out of fashion. Also, how many ballgowns have a neckline that practically reaches your navel?

    This makes me think of the ocean. And those geodes you see, cut in half. The only time the word "geode" has appeared in a Golden Globes blog, I'd guess.
    This makes me think of the ocean. And those geodes you see, cut in half. The only time the word “geode” has appeared in a Golden Globes blog, I’d guess.

And now we go to the Worst Dressed…

Worst Dressed Ladies at the 2016 Golden Globes:

  1. Kate Hudson. She was one of my best dressed in 2015, but sorry, I hate this trifecta dress with a passion. I actually exclaimed out loud when she walked on stage. It’s like, peach, with sequins and a neck brace. It’s just wrong on every level. And don’t get me wrong, she looks great. Like, she is gorgeous and has an amazing body and yay her for being able to show off her abs at a black tie event. I get it. However, that dress makes me think of three shiny band-aids, applied at will.

    It's legit possible I had this same outfit for one of my Barbies in the 90s.
    It’s legit possible I had this same outfit for one of my Barbies in the 90s.
  2. Emilia Clarke. Mother of god. What possessed you to wear this? It’s rare everything is wrong, but unfortunately this dress hits all the wrong notes: wrong color (on her), wrong style, wrong shape. Although if you ditch the weird cape thing (see? Capes. They’re almost always a bad thing) and the turtleneck neckline (I repeat, she is wearing a turtleneck-bodice to the Golden Globes)… it could have been a beautiful dress.

    "And death followed with her."
    “And death followed with her.”
  3. Cate Blanchett. Yes, this will appear on some of the high fashion best dressed lists, but for those non-haute couture people out there… I think we can mostly agree a pink fringed lampshade is just not particularly the thing. Or maybe I’m just anti-pink.

    Go ahead fashionistas, pretend you love this lampshade number that awkwardly defines her lady parts.
    Go ahead fashionistas, pretend you love this lampshade number that awkwardly defines her lady parts.
  4. Jane Fonda. Someone get to her and pull those ruffles off before they KILL HER.  Also, someone get me a fro-yo cone. Stat.

    golden-globes-2016-jane-fonda
    If you just got rid of all that ruffle nonsense, this could be a very decent long sleeve sheath dress. RUFFLES, BEGONE!
  5. Amy Schumer. It pains me to put her on this list, but her dress does not fit well, and is not flattering. Simple as that. It’s just an overwhelming disaster of a color block ballgown. I hope she goes to the Oscars and does better. WE ALL WANT HER TO DO BETTER. Also, burn those shoes.

    The general shape and structure of this gown reminds me of a 1990s prom gown, with a more avant garde hem and train. Also, people, do not pose with your hands in pockets, unless you want to look like you HAVE NO GOD DAMN HANDS.
    The general shape and structure of this gown reminds me of a 1990s prom gown, with a more avant garde hem and train. Also, people, do not pose with your hands in pockets, unless you want to look like you HAVE NO GOD DAMN HANDS.

Golden Globes Best and Worst Dressed – 2015

Full disclosure: I completely forgot the Golden Globes were even ON last night, until about two hours before “game time.” And then I was gone when they started. And my DVR was turned off and wouldn’t take my offsite request to record them (damn you, Comcast!). That being said, apparently the Golden Globes are now like the MTV Movie Awards, and they just put them on a continuous loop for people like me! But who cares about the awards? All we really care about is what. people. wore.

Overall I thought this year’s red carpet was filled with great (mostly safe) choices. I had very few “what the hell is she wearing” moments which is both good and slightly disappointing (we all love a good failure, now don’t we?). Here’s my take, in random order of top 10 best, the worst 7, and 3 “fencers.”

The Ten Best Looks:

1. Kate Hudson in Versace: Someone send me the phone number of Kate Hudson’s physician, dietician, personal trainer and personal body sculptor. How does she look this amazing? HOW IS THIS PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE? Talk about having self-confidence!

Here's Kate Hudson, looking not 36 years old.
Here’s Kate Hudson, looking not 36 years old.

2. Amy Poehler in Opening Monologue (Unknown): I am in love with Amy Poehler’s opening monologue look; the simplicity of the dress, combined with that necklace. The colors. Love, love, love.

Dear Amy, please send me your dress and necklace and comedic brilliance ASAP. XOXO, The Sessionista
Dear Amy, please send me your dress and necklace and comedic brilliance ASAP. XOXO, The Sessionista

3. Lupita Nyong’o in Giambattista Valli Couture: She’s pretty much become a no-brainer for the Best Dressed list (minus that funky number she wore to the 2014 Met Gala). This year is no different (except this time she wore glasses on stage. Like a hipster. A well-dressed hipster).

If you can believe this, it actually looks better WITH hipster glasses.
If you can believe this, it actually looks better WITH hipster glasses.

4. Allison Janney in Ella Zahlan: I would not have SEEN Allison Janney had I not flipped through eOnline Red Carpet this morning, but I think this number is great. There was a lot of red last night, but I like how different this silhouette is.

Allison Janney, FTW in red.
Allison Janney, FTW in red.

5. Anna Kendrick in Monique Lhuillier: Ok, so she looks looks like an INCREDIBLY creepy figurine in this photo, but other than that, this is a great look and very different than the sleek look a lot of the women were wearing this year.

Music Box Anna
I assume if she turns around, there’s a twisty brass knob sticking out of her back that makes her rotate and lift her arms.

6. Emily Blunt in Michael Kors: She just looks like such a nice person, and this dress definitely drives that idea home (probably also helps that she’s married to John Krasinski, who I only think of as Jim from The Office, thus, Mr. Nice Guy). I would have been terrified of tummy roll all night, but she probably does not have that same fear.

Emily, giving a lesson on how to go Grecian, without looking like you're on your way to a toga party.
Emily, giving a lesson on how to go Grecian, without looking like you’re on your way to a toga party.

7. Felicity Jones in Christian Dior: Ok, so everything about this dress screams “CHRISTIAN DIOR!” and it’s not particularly insane/interesting/unusual… but the color looks good on her and the neckline is unique in a sea of plunging necklines. And the dress doesn’t overwhelm her, which, let’s face it, is pretty easy to have happen in a Dior ballgown.

You can look good and pretty and only show your arms. I know, I know, it's hard to absorb.
You can look good and pretty and only show your arms. I know, I know, it’s hard to absorb.

8. Julianne Moore in Givenchy Couture: Her red hair looks dynamic against this silvery gray ombre sheath and it stands out from the sea of silver that dominated the red carpet this year. And it has feathers. Good feathers. Not bad feathers.

Top: Fun. Midsection: More fun. Bottom: SUPER FUN!
Top: Fun. Midsection: More fun. Bottom: SUPER FUN!

9. Amy Poehler in Stella McCartney (Red Carpet): Loving this red carpet cobalt dress – interesting and bright and again, different from all the rest.

The only thing I don't like about Amy's dress here, is that it is touching Tina's terrible froth of a number.
The only thing I don’t like about Amy’s dress here, is that it is touching Tina’s terrible froth of a number.

10. Julia Louis-Dreyfus in Narcisco Rodrigues: I also need to know how JLD looks this amazing. I don’t know how old she is, but I know she’s been around awhile. And yet here she is, looking super fresh, youthful and pretty in white. I love that she wore her hair down; I think it’s what makes this Top Ten worthy.

Veep
#VEEP

The Seven Worst Looks:

1. Lena Dunham in Zac Posen:  Look, I like Lena Dunham, I have no problem with her, she seems like an interesting person who has managed to take her somewhat wacky life and turn it into an income-earner. I hate this dress. I would probably hate this dress on anyone. It’s super shiny, I don’t like dropped hems and the color is too in your face.

Her hair and eye makeup look good, so there's that. Just, avoid shiny fabrics, Lena. They don't photograph well and they're hard to pull off.
Just, avoid shiny satins, Lena. They don’t photograph well and they’re hard to pull off. Your hair and makeup look good though, so there’s that.

2. Rosamund Pike in Vera Wang: I have a feeling quite a few people will disagree with me on this one. This dress makes me shiver. It makes me want to grab the straps and pull it up. It makes me feel like saggy boobs. No one wants to feel like saggy boobs. Also, I don’t know who Rosamund Pike is, but I’m sure she’s lovely. And from the neck up, she looks great!

I just can't. The words "droop" and "sag" just war for space in my brain when I see this dress.
I just can’t. The words “droop” and “sag” just war for space in my brain when I see this dress.

3. Melissa McCarthy in Items from Home: This maybe could have worked, maybe, somehow, and yet… just… no. Too much going on. Maybe if the shirt had no shine? Maybe?

What I do like about this look is that she appears to be having a good time. And her hair.
What I do like about this look is that she appears to be having a good time. And her hair.

4. Kerry Washington in Mary Katrantzou: I imagine this dress ended up on both Best and Worst lists; it seems polarizing. Her shoes look red and black, which is driving me nuts. The weird part is, this dress would be very interesting and attractive if it was either shorter or longer. But at this odd ankle length? Ugh.

I assume anyone who says they like this look just like Kerry Washington and can't bear to say they hate her choice.
I assume anyone who says they like this look just likes Kerry Washington and can’t bear to say they hate her choice.

5. Kristen Wiig in Delphine Manivet: It sort of looks like a 1970s shower curtain that was revised into a red carpet gown.

will give her that. But I had a barbie doll that had that same dress, in 1984.
Sure, it’s different. I will give her that. But I had a barbie doll that had that same dress, in 1984.

6. Tina Fey on the Red Carpet, in Antonio Berardi: I think that Tina is playing some sort of joke on us all, because this is the THIRD GOLDEN GLOBES IN A ROW that she has struck out on her red carpet look (see: 2014 and  2013). And then she ends up looking great the rest of the night (last year she was on my BEST dressed list for her gown during her Opening Monologue). Oh that Tina…

Tina, in 2016, I ask one thing of you. That you wear something good on the Red Carpet. That is all.
Tina, in 2016, I ask one thing of you. That you wear something good on the Golden Globes Red Carpet. That is all.

7. Claire Danes in Valentino. First and foremost, why the hell was Homeland season 4 not nominated for Best Drama? I just finished binge watching it and it makes me sad to see it not nominated – it’s the best season since season 1. That aside, let’s address Claire’s dress. It is not terrible. It’s just, far, far too overwhelming on her. There’s just a lot going on. And it slouches in odd spots. I want to like it, but I don’t think I can.

I just want to gather all that extra fabric on top and squeeze it behind her. And then we'd have something going.
I just want to gather all that extra fabric on top and squeeze it behind her. And then we’d have something going.

The Fence: To like, or not to like…that is the question.

1. Jennifer Lopez in Zuhair Murad: JLo looks amazing in this dress. This dress is really interesting and different and intense and sexy. The problem I have with it is that I can not stop staring at what would be her left boob, which looks like the dress is digging into, with some weird shadowy effect. It’s distracting to the point it drives me nuts. Nuts!

She's just supremely fierce. I would not eff with JLo. Ever.
She’s just supremely fierce. I would not eff with JLo. Ever.

2. Salma Hayek in Alexander McQueen: My brain, when she walked onstage: “Huh. I like that. I like it. Wait. Is that a silver belt? Does that go with it? Does this look like a wedding dress? I’m confused.”

This dress makes me have feelings. So many, confused feelings.
This dress makes me have feelings. So many, confused feelings.

3. Keira Knightley in Chanel: I mean, what do you want me to say? It’s cute and interesting in a bohemian Chanel way (take a look at how it was presented by the designer – someone get me a milking bucket, ASAP) but it’s also kind of wacky. It is, however a hell of a lot better than Drew Barrymore’s pregnancy fashion at last year’s Golden Globes, that’s for sure.

I just want to point out that if anyone OTHER than Keira Knightley wore this, they would be lampooned. But because she's British and birdlike, she gets a pass.
I just want to point out that if anyone OTHER than Keira Knightley wore this, they would be lampooned. But because she’s British and birdlike, she gets a pass.

Honorable Mention: To all the women who choose silver … Never has a color  been so universally well-worn. It’s like they all looked lovely, and yet none of them made it on any of my lists (except Julianne, in her silver/black/gray).

XOXO,

The Sessionista

Silver Foxettes. Also, Kate Beckinsale, looking the same age she has for 15 years, god bless her surgeon.
Silver Foxettes. Also, Kate Beckinsale, looking the same age she has for 15 years, god bless her surgeon.

Golden Globes – Best and Worsed Dressed

A very quick rundown of my favorite and least favorite looks from the 2014 Golden Globes. In a nutshell, nothing dazzled me and nothing (completely) horrified me, a la Bjork or Lara Flynn Boyle.

BEST 

The Golden Globe Girl – Sosie Bacon. My favorite dress of the night belonged to Sosie (or as we called her, “Sochi”) Bacon. The dress was gorgeous and she looked amazing in it (and it did not look like a dress that would be easy to pull off). Bonus – the color seemed unique in a sea of jewel tones and black.

Teenagers. Showing all the old ladies up. So annoying.
Ah, The Youth. Showing all the old ladies up. So annoying.

Tina Fey’s Opening Monologue Dress. Minus a red carpet disaster (see below), Tina (and Amy) looked fantastic all night long. Her first dress was by far my favorite.

Just Tina being Fabulous Tina.
Just Tina being Fabulous Tina.

Juliana Margulies in Andrew Gn. I never saw her on the telecast, but when I looked through the red carpet arrival shots today, her dress caught my eye- understated but unique, especially given how many ladies were wearing black.

It's not as fun to write captions for the Best Dressed.
It’s not as fun to write captions for the Best Dressed.

Lupita Nyong’o in Ralph Lauren. This dress may have looked plain or awkward at some angles, but with the cape doing what it was doing (flowing!) in the picture I saw, I completely dug this dress. Always fun to see something that is unconventional without being over the top (take note, Paula Patton).

Finally, a dress where you don't have to worry if your ass looks good.
Finally, a dress where you don’t have to worry if your ass looks good.

Julie Bowen in Carolina Herrera. I loved this dress, and then almost completely forgot about it since it was not prominently featured in the red carpet recaps that I saw. I feel like if either half of this dress was the whole dress (if that makes sense), it would look meh, but for some reason as half red velvet and half purple satin it really works together. Of course, she’s the size of a stick, which helps.

Who knew that red velvet cap sleeves could look so good?
Who knew that red velvet cap sleeves could look so good?

WORST

Tina Fey’s Red Carpet Dress – Carolina Herrera.  When I first looked at this, I thought it had flamingos on it. Flamingos. Enough said.

Flamingos
I never zoomed into confirm what this pattern actually was, but I’m going to continue to go with “drunk flamingos.”

Sandra Bullock – Prabal Gurung. I really hate to criticize Sandra Bullock since she seems so genuinely cool, but this gown is all sorts of wrong (mostly from the waist down – I mean, if it was a column dress, it could have been stunning). I am not a fan of these mullet dresses. On a positive note, her face and hair (and body) looked lovely.

When I Googled "Sandra Bullock Golden Globes" I realized that she sort of has a history of bad dress choices. WHY, SANDY, WHY?
When I Googled “Sandra Bullock Golden Globes” I realized that she sort of has a history of bad dress choices. WHY, SANDY, WHY?

Drew Barrymore’s – Monique Lhuillier. I feel like a bit of an asshole putting a prego on my worst dressed list, but this chiffon flower horror of a dress is just too unfortunate to not be included. On the telecast during her presentation, it looked so…cheap. Like a bedazzled muumuu.

I almost wanted to take her off the list when I saw a post-show Instagram of her eating pizza in this dress, at what looks like a mini mart. Almost.
I almost wanted to take her off the list when I saw a post-show Instagram of her eating pizza in this dress, at what looks like a mini mart. Almost.

Uma Thurman – Versace. 1997 is demanding their haute couture back. Please return ASAP.

Bedazzled satin and crushed velvet, with a choker collar neckline...so...not 2014.
Bedazzled satin and crushed velvet, with a choker collar neckline…so…not 2014.

Zoey Deschanel – Oscar de la Renta. A rare misstep for Zoey. What possibly possessed her to wear this? She looked AMAZING last year, and this year looks like she looks frumpy and dated.

From some angles, I thought this was OK (and just OK). And then I saw the Pearl Shoes and it was immediately added to my Worst Dressed List.
From some angles, I thought this was OK (and just OK). And then I saw the Pearl Shoes and it was immediately added to my Worst Dressed List.

Zoe Saldana – Prabal Gurung. Tough night for the Gurung-wearing ladies. This dress is a total disaster – there is literally nothing RIGHT about this dress- from the funky little off the shoulder straps, to the mesh knee panel. I can’t imagine who this would look good on, if it does not look good on Zoe Saldana, who is as thin as a runway model. This one has staying power- I expect to see it on many “Worst Golden Globe Looks Ever!” lists…say…next year.

Look at what she wore last year to the Golden Globes and this dress just becomes 100 times MORE horrible.
Look at what she wore to the Golden Globes last year, and suddenly this dress just becomes 100 times MORE horrible.

ON THE FENCE
Jennifer Lawrence – Dior. On the fence is a little misleading – I don’t like it. It looks to me like an expanding tampon. However…minus the unfortunate tampon imagery that keeps coming to mind, there’s really nothing wrong with it, per se. And I do admire people willing to wear white to these kind of events. I mean, one spill and it’s all over.

I mean, you see it, right? The resemblance?
I mean, you see it, right? The resemblance?

Paula Patton – Stephanie Rolland. Again, with the white dress. So, I think this dress is awful (for an awards ceremony, great for a couture display in a museum) and I definitely considered putting it on my Worst list. However, the more I thought about it, the more I realized this dress is strikingly interesting, versus just horrifying (see Drew Barrymore). Like, you know when you put this dress on that people are going to react very strongly either negatively, or positively, and that it’s designed to garner that kind of reaction.

This dress has a serious blind spot.
This dress has a serious blind spot.

Until the Oscars!

XOXO,

The Sessionista

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler wore the same pair of colors for their opening monologue last year. And Tina Fey wore a terrible red carpet dress last year as well. Deja vu, ladies, deja vu.
Tina Fey and Amy Poehler wore the same pair of colors for their opening monologue last year. And Tina Fey wore a terrible red carpet dress last year as well. Deja vu, ladies, deja vu.

The Real Winner of American Idol: Bedazzled Bodysuits

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. Or in this case, 191. Without further ado:

"Gotta be unique. I'm thinking 'bodysuit'...and then definitely some fake jewels...sort of...all over. And then let's just cut out 25% of the fabric."
“Gotta be unique. I’m thinking ‘bodysuit’…and then definitely some fake jewels…sort of…all over. And then let’s just cut out 25% of the fabric.”
Oh no she didn't.
Oh no she didn’t.
This is the outfit that warranted a 35 minute absence from the judge's table. But hey, think of all the things she can squirrel away in that crotch tent.
This is the outfit change that warranted a 35 minute absence from the judge’s table. But hey, think of all the things she can squirrel away in that crotch tent.
"And then you just drink this special kool-aid, and you lie down on this comfy cot and then when you wake up you'll be in Heaven. I promise."
“And then you just drink this special kool-aid, and you lie down on this comfy cot and then when you wake up you’ll be in Heaven. PROMISE.”
I am literally, literally about to eat you.
Jessica is pissing herself with fear right now.
Jennifer Holliday: God's gift to screen captures.
The only thing missing from this entire performance was a bedazzled bodysuit.
The only thing missing from this entire performance was a bedazzled bodysuit.
Jennifer Holliday: God’s gift to screen captures.
I was a little disappointed when she didn't shake her wig off.
I was a little disappointed when she didn’t shake her wig off.
"One swat to her tiny pinhead and I'd never have to share this stage AGAIN."
“One swat to her tiny pinhead and I’d never have to share this stage AGAIN.”
Understated sad face.
Understated sad face.

May next year bring us as many fashion tragedies as this year.

XOXO,

The Sessionista

American Idol: In Pictures

So I missed last week’s show because of work (the horror!). So instead I just gathered a bunch of photos of Joshua being churchy in his ugly suits.

Nothing too egregious here, except for the sheer number of pockets.
Nothing too egregious here, except for the sheer number of pockets.
Spider hand! Spider hand! [sung to the tune of "Spider Pig"]
Spider hand! Spider hand! [sung to the tune of “Spider Pig”]
Somewhat unmatching. Clearly having an off day.
Somewhat unmatching. Clearly having an off day.
Phew. Pink shirt makes it all better.
Phew. Pink shirt makes it all better.
That hand never rests.
That hand never rests.
Like Johnny Cash. But with a flower.
Like Johnny Cash. But with a flower.
I've been trying to find this jacket for Mr. Sesh ever since I saw it on TV.
I’ve been trying to find this jacket for Mr. Sesh ever since I saw it on TV.
And then I just had to throw this in because really, how could I not?
And then I just had to throw this in because really, how could I not?

XOXO,

The Sessionista

The Dual: Oscars Running Diary, 2011

The Sessionista is taking on Sister Sessionista with dualing Oscar blogs. Oh yeah, we’re doing it. Naturally I dressed for the occasion.

4:40pm: Time to party like it’s 1996, bitches! The Sessionista has arrived (in Sister Sesh’s  prom dress).

4:49pm: One minute to go and I’ve realized the only Oscar movie I have seen is The Social Network (Why? Why is this movie up for so many damn awards?). And Inception. I’ve seen that.

5:30pm: And we’re off! Totally stuffed with appetizers, I weigh at least 50 pounds more than the fattest actress at this ceremony.

James and I share a pre-show laugh.
James and I share a pre-show laugh.

5:31pm: I wanna see Black Swan for the ballet aspect. Everyone else wants to see Natalie and Mila get it on.

5:33pm: I always love the opening montages “the guy from General Hospital”… that was pretty funny, Mr. Freeman.

5:35pm: Anne’s dress is like a wispy version of Nicole Kidman’s.

5:38pm: What is up with the random Oscar movies before they give the awards? We may be stretching here a bit. GOD, please tell me this isn’t happening all night long.  Also, this show is going to last forever if everyone speaks as slow as Tom Hanks is speaking.

5:39pm: So far all I’ve heard/seen is stuff about movies released ages ago: Gone With The Wind. Titanic. Can you even segue GWTW into Titanic? Is that even remotely OK?

5:40pm: Art direction: Apparently all those background clips were to tell us someone in this category is up for the Triple Crown of the Academy Awards. Frankly, I’ve had ½ a V&T and have no idea what is going on. Alice in Wonderland! I actually saw that.  Fuck, Helena Bonham Carter looks normal! She must be wearing a satin, leopard print miniskirt that I simply can’t see. I guess we’ll have to wait another year for the Secretariat of the Oscars (thanks, Dan).

5:45pm: Sounders shout-out to owner Joe Roth from the Art Director winner!

5:46pm: Best Cinematography. Apparently all the same movies are up for EVERY category. EVERY CATEGORY. And  the winner is…Inception.  The dude sounds like he’s going to die onstage. He’s actually groaning. Not the way you want your acceptance speech to go.

5:58pm: Hailee Steinfield from True Grit clearly has no idea who Kirk Douglas is. She’s doing that vague slow clapping thing. Jesus! Kirk Douglas, biggest earlobes ever! Like, the size of my palms. Also, Kirk Douglas is definitely going off script, and somewhere a producer is crying. Also, am I the only one who can’t understand him? I am sweating at the awkwardness of this. Finally! And the Best Supporting Actress is…(Sister Sesh’s nemesis)… Melissa Leo, The Fighter. Gorgeous dress, awkward repartee with The Douglas. And the bitch stole his cane.

5:59pm: 29 minutes in and we have our first F-bomb, thanks to Melissa. Can someone cue the orchestra? It’s supporting actress, not even full on actress. Enough already. Get off the stage.

 

Gratuitous Mark Wahlberg photo for all the ladies out there.
Gratuitous Mark Wahlberg photo for all the ladies out there.

6:00pm: Everyone should be required to refer to Mark Wahlberg as Marky Mark.

6:02pm: Mila looks like she has lavender boob tattoos. Seriously. And this award show is just weird. Weird vibe. Weird editing. Weird presenting. Shit, even James and Anne are acting (?) kind of weird.

6:06pm: Best “Full Length Cartoon,” as Dan calls it: Toy Story 3 (I just had to break it to Sister Sesh that Toy Story 3 isn’t going to win for Best Picture).

6:11pm: Is it some anniversary? What is up with all this retrospective stuff? I feel like they needed to explain that some more…So now Javier Bardem is going to explain some random fact about…wait, I just looked up from my keyboard…why are they wearing matching tuxes??? WHITE TUXES at that? Why is no one addressing this?

6:14pm: Oh yay, Social Network has won an award. Best Adapted Screenplay. Jesse Eisenberg has looked exactly the same at every award show.  Don’t forget to thank JT!

6:16pm: No seriously, why is no one addressing the fact James and Javier are wearing the same tuxes (minus, as Dan helpfully pointed out, Javier’s has a shawl collar)

6:17pm: Best Original Screenplay. I like this old dude from The King’s Speech…he doesn’t even know where the mic is.

6:20pm: I just want to take a moment to apologize for this live blog sucking, if you’re still reading it.  Probably because nobody served me a fucking Washington Apple, like Sister Sesh promised me.

6:21pm: Clearly the ability to sing a pre-req for hosting the Oscars.

6:23pm: And then James Franco walked out in drag….Good news, we have similar necklaces on!

6:29pm: Russell Brand and Helen Mirren. A natural pair. And she is speaking French. At least her dress isn’t super-low like it normally is. Guh, old boobs…

6:30pm: Best Foreign Language Film? I’m rooting for Canada. Astute observation from the winner: “This is a real Oscar.” Why yes, it is. And no, Canada didn’t win. Damn you, Academy!

During the boring bits, we posed for Prom pictures.
During the boring bits, we posed for Prom pictures.

6:35pm: OMG IT’S MOVIE STAR BARBIE!!!!!! Oh Reese, how many people died for your ponytail?

6:37pm: Best Supporting Actor: Christian Bale. And, another shawl collar tux! (side note, the lady at After Hours Tux Shop refused to let Bill wear a shawl collar tux, which I wanted, and look, look, they’re everywhere at the Oscars. Why did I defer to the opinion of a woman who works at Factoria Mall?).

6:39pm: In case you’re curious, I didn’t shower today. And I have BO. And I’m wearing an evening gown. From 1996.

6:41pm: Nicole Kidman’s dress is from the same decade as mine (1990s, bitches!).

6:43pm: Jesus, when is the In Memoriam section starting?

6:44pm: Best Original Score, the only category I actually would like to have The Social Network win. I think Reznor should insist on sitting in a spinning chair for his acceptance speech.

6:45pm: I love Scarlett  Johansson’s dress, which is hard to say since I don’t love HER. Her hair, however, is Calista Flockhhart meets Michelle Pfeiffer…

6:46pm: Shit, Salt is up for an Academy Award?

6:49pm: “If we’re not here to judge, what are we here for?”… words of wisdom from Sister Sesh.

6:50pm: My sequins are scratchy. God only knows what my sister did in this dress 14 years ago… it WAS prom night.

6:53pm: I’m probably going to lose street cred when I publish this, it’s THAT BAD.

6:57pm: Marisa Tomei! My Cousin Vinnie!!! That’s why she’s here, right? Jesus, that bodice could cover double EE boobs… I mean, that is a ton of satin across your mams, Mar-Tom!

6:59pm: Please confirm, Anne is dressed like the black swan, right? Like, on purpose?

7:00pm: Cate Blanchett clearly fell into a vat of Dippin’ Dots.

7:03pm: My  favorite category, Best Costume. Alice in Wonderland, a movie I actually saw! Colleen Atwood looks exactly like my my flower lady for my wedding. Also, WHY WHY WHY do costumers always have the most  boring outfits? Where are the silver sequins, bedazzled bodices and busting boobs? [if anyone’s counting, this is like my 9th boob reference…not sure what my obsessions with famous boobs is…]

At least there was no shortage of snacks.
At least there was no shortage of snacks.

7:04pm: Well, Spacey is here to announce a Best Original Song. Shocking, that, for like, the 100th time, fucking Randy Newman is up for an award. It isn’t original when you just keep copying yourself.

7:06pm: I’m so bored I’m checking scores on my ESPN app.

7:07pm: I just asked Bill if that was the guy from Chuck. And I was kidding. And then Bill said it is. I am so confused. Chuck is also a signer? Also, Jenny said Mandy Moore was dressed like an ice dancer from the ’88 Olympics in Calgary, on the red carpet. Why she isn’t wearing it on stage, I’ll never know…

7:08pm: YAY! JAKE GYLLENHAAL IS COMING UP! Sorry, I had to get excited about something.

7:10pm: I have chaffage on my inner forearms from typing against my sparkles.

7:12pm: I love Amy Adams. And Jake. I’m still sad he and Reese didn’t marry and have beautiful babies.

7:13pm: I am almost through 2 V&Ts yet I feel sober … and I have to take a piss. I think the woman who won the short film award is a man in drag.

7:15pm: Millions rejoice: the great state of Delaware was thanked.

7:21pm: Really? Oprah? Hasn’t she conquered enough of the world? Must she be on the Oscars, too? Jenny can’t get past the fact her face looks like it got punched (strange shadowage).

7:22pm: The best documentary winners look THRILLED to win. THRILLED. The lady looks like someone just drowned her kitten.  And she’s flaunting that this is only the second film she’s made. Take that, lifelong losers (we’re talking to you, Newman)!

7:30pm: Prior to the Oscars, I actually liked Anne Hathaway.

7:35pm: Coming up, Jennifer Hudson’s boobs (did she really lose all that weight via Weight Watchers? I mean, I’m going on WW if that’s the case).

7:41pm: Really? Gwyneth Paltrow as country music’s newest star? Not sure I’m on board with that. Or her white mic.

7:47pm: Biggest upset of the night: Randy Newman (20 noms) over Gwynnie for Best Song. I’m lodging a protest.

7:49pm: Sister Sesh is definitely winning the blog-off.

8:00pm: Celine Dion- this HAS to be the In Memoriam section. OMG, The old lady from Titanic died!!!! I didn’t know that.

 

If James Cameron and Ken Jennings somehow magically reproduced together, this is what we'd get.
If James Cameron and Ken Jennings somehow magically reproduced together, this is what we'd get.

8:04pm: James Cameron and Ken Jennings love child is accepting Best Director for King’s Speech.

8:06pm: Annette Bening’s dress looks like it was pulled from the costume closet on Tron.

8:10pm: Best Actress! I’ve woken up again: Also, all the women are wearing emeralds. What up with that? Wee! Natalie Portman and her unborn child have won. Cue the divorce lawyers.

8:20pm: Speaking of divorces…Sandy!!! Ooh, my favorite dress of the night. However, her hair looks as dirty as mine.

8:21pm: Best Actor Noms: Darling Javier Bardem, Jesse Eisenberg, who appears to be the same exact person as his character, Cutie Patootie James Franco, Jeff “Crazy Beard” Bridges, and … winner… Colin Firth! Oh you’ve come so far since Bridget Jones (but the reality is, I’ll always, always think of you as Mr. Darcy. And I, as your Elizabeth).

8:25pm: God, it’s finally almost over.  I may be projecting my own failure onto the awards.

8:29pm: There’s 10 minutes left. Anne is clearly now just making gratuitous outfit changes.

8:32pm: Best Picture. I’m calling King’s Speech. If not, it’s stupid Social Network.  I win! So did Sister Sesh, and she just started cawing with joy for having made the right pick.

On General Hospital, James Franco plays a character named Franco. Seriously.
On General Hospital, James Franco plays a character named Franco. Seriously.

Well, the only high point of this night was the food, Sister Sesh’s resurrected prom dress, and our collective ability to gaze upon James Franco. Good night. I’m going home to watch General Hospital (no, seriously, I am).

PS: I’d take Keyboard Cat over New York’s P.S.224 any day. Play me off, Keyboard Cat!

Ciao,

The Sessionista