The Bachelorette: All the Guys Sound Boring

Remember, Becca… when someone hands you a black lace blazer, you don’t HAVE to accept it.

With Rachel, we had “All the Guys Sound Terrible” and with Becca, we have moved on to “All the Guys Sound Boring” (I suppose Boring is better than Terrible? Not for television, but for LIFE).

Now is the time for us to review, prod, judge and make sweeping claims with zero background or insight, into the 27 men looking to “do the damn thing” with Becca. Let’s agree to never say that again, Becca, and we’ll consider this a win.

Follow along with these bios by clicking on ABC’s Cast page! All of these completely subjective opinions are based on one headshot and two-three lines of marketing copy so you know…caveat emptor.

Alex, 31, Atlanta: Skis, boats, has a dog. A strong frontrunner, based solely on his bio and headshot.

Blake, 28, Colorado: Vaguely looks like Andy Samberg. Described as both a “high school and collegiate athlete.” Referencing your high school successes in your late 20s – not a good look, Blake.

Blake and Andy
I’m sure IRL he looks nothing like Andy Samberg, but in this press photo, they look like twinsies.

Chase, 27, Florida: Chase played baseball in the College World Series. I’m sensing a theme here.

Chris, 30, Florida: “Originally from New York, Chris has embraced the sunny Florida life since he was a kid.” Chris is really reaching for that NY cred. He, like every other man on this show, is “extremely passionate about fitness and health.” Looking forward to the guy that says he embraces “pizza, ice cream and Netflix marathons.”

Christian, 28, San Diego: Originally from Mexico, played ‘semi-professional soccer’ in the U.S. until “injury forced him to retire.” We now have the following sports represented: Skiing, Baseball, Football, and Soccer. We’re a basketball and hockey player away from every major American sport being represented in this cast.

Christon, 31, Los Angeles: Christon with an “O” – former player for the Harlem Globetrotters. Well, that was quick – we’re now 5 for 5 on athletes!

Clay, 30, Chicago: Clay’s photo looks like he wants to consume you. His job is “pro football player” (I’m going out on a limb and say he plays in a league OTHER than the NFL*). He doesn’t curse, which I find fucking INSUFFERABLE. *Crawling back up that limb, he has played in the NFL for quite awhile, although it sounds like he’s basically out of it now.

Colton, 26, Denver: FORMER pro football player. HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA. I’m enjoying Clay’s alphabetic dominance, in both his name and his career.

It’s almost as if when his parents named him, they knew he’d grow up to look exactly like this.

Connor, 25, Florida. Connor is a Fitness Coach, but ‘had the opportunity to play professional baseball for the Atlanta Braves” which I’m translating into “did not, actually, ever play baseball for the Atlanta Braves.”

Darius, 26, California. Our first pharma sales rep of the season (there’s always at least one). He likes traveling and dancing and OH MY GOD we’ve reached the first non-professional/semi-professional/former athlete! Points to Darius for breaking the mold.

David, 25, Denver. David is described as a Venture Capitalist. David (or his family, more likely) is rich and I know this because he enjoys “rich people sports” (golfing and skiing) and spending time at his family’s ‘beach house.’ “David loves guacamole, but hates avocado. Hopefully, that’s not a deal breaker for the Bachelorette!” Well David, it is for me, because that’s one of the stupidest things I’ve read on a Bachelor bio (AND MY GOD, STUPID THINGS ARE THE ESSENCE OF BACHELOR BIOS).

Grant, 27, California. Grant is embracing his blue collar family roots – he’s a 4th generation electrician (this family LOVES wiring). Grant is one of those people who seems super normal on paper and is probably the type of person you date IRL (but not so much on the Bachelorette).

Garrett, 29, Reno. Our second medical sales rep! He’s “excited to find love with the Bachelorette…down by the river!” When I think of the phrase “down by the river,” I automatically think of depressing songs where bad shit happens (think Richard Marx’s “Hazard,” and Springsteen’s “The River”), so this line would not work on me. Also, his eyes are disconcertingly wide-set. I’m sorry, I had to say it.

Jake, 29, Minneapolis. I think Jake was hired solely because he is from Minneapolis. He likes poetry and bungee jumping and as such, I hate him. (also, since I burned Garrett, I need to point out that Jake’s eyes are disconcertingly CLOSE set, and perhaps having these guys next to each other on the photo bios is really exacerbating these conditions). Also, Jake is either vaguely cross-eyed, or he pissed off whomever signs off on the headshots.

I mean really

Jason, 29, Seattle. Jason is a SENIOR corporate banker (not to be confused with those shitty, underpaid junior corporate bankers).  He’s a New York native and likes singing Disney tunes. A hard pass, even though he’s “from” Seattle.

Jean Blanc, 31, Florida. Jean Blanc has an unusual name (for an American) and an unusual profession (a colognoisseur). Do I know what a colognoisseur is? No. Do you? No. I’m guessing it’s someone who designs cologne. I’m now googling it. The first five results include references to The Bachelorette (testimony to both the Bachelorettes’ SEO-worthiness AND the fact this is obviously some made up bullshit because the first page of results does not include any sort of definition for the word). I’m done with you and your career shenanigans, Jean Blanc. Update: JB is Haitian and collects cologne. He works in finance. He will be gone on night one, so this is the most coverage he’s getting.

Joe, 31, Chicago. Joe’s bio includes grocery store puns, which I am not here for.

John, 29, San Francisco. He is a tech guy (shocking) who claims to make world famous banana bread (you have my attention…).

Jordan, 26, Florida. Jordan is a Ken doll, come to life. His doppelganger is, indeed, a plastic doll. I thought this before clicking into his bio, where I then find he’s a ‘male model’ (the word ‘male’ here seems quite redundant.). Also, Jordan claims to have run a 4.24 mile, which I’d like to see put to test on the Bachelor. That is VERY fast.

Jordan and Ken
It really forces us all to consider the question, “Can a man and a plastic doll be related?”

Kamil, 30, New York. Kamil’s job is a “social media participant” which I guess means he’s a jobless 30 year old with a Facebook account. Likes: real estate and modeling. Dislikes: Spiders. Our third immigrant!

Leo, 31, California. His hair is a non-starter.

Lincoln, 26, Los Angeles. Lincoln looks friendly and approachable (win!). Also an immigrant (we’re at 4). Lincoln would “love to have a big family to make his mom proud” which seems like not the BEST reason to have a big family.

Mike, 27, Ohio.  In dire need of a hair cut, Mike enjoys ‘festivals, horse races and state fairs” and his bulldog Riggins. The only points he gets is for his dog’s name, aka the best FNL character. Also, Mike is a sports analyst, so he can analyze 80% of his fellow competitors on this show.

Nick, 27, Florida. Florida is really disproportionately represented on this show. Nick wears tracksuits and is an attorney.

Rickey, 27, San Diego. Rickey looks very friendly and seems like the type of guy that would have a really loud, boisterous laugh. He’s looking for woman who can “keep up with his lifestyle” whatever that means.

Ryan, 26, California. Ryan looks SUPER nice and then I saw he is a banjoist and I really wish that was not his occupation byline.

Trent, 28, Florida. Another Floridian, Trent is a realtor who also dabbles in modeling (oh to dabble in modeling!). He voluntarily shared with the world that he has been on the cover of romance novels, and there is a 75% chance his intro stunt will be handing Becca a novel with him on the cover. Maybe 90%.

Wills, 29, Los Angeles.  Wills seems super normal, which is often the kiss of death on the Bachelor/ette.

My casting take-aways:

  1. It’s a sporty (thus, competitive) group. The one-upsmanship on night one should be VERY VERY good.
  2. It’s heavily California (10) / Florida (7) based. (4) are from the Midwest (aka where Becca lives, if we all pretend that Becca and her future short-term fiancée aren’t going to move to LA after this little show).
  3. There’s not really a distinctive look to the cast, pretty mixed up. Other than the usual “fit, square-jawed” approach of every season ever.
  4. I see no obvious front runners. The bios this year are very boring so it’s not as easy to suss out crazy. I’d say Alex and Colton are sure fire bets to make it far. On paper and photo-wise, I guess I’d put my money on Alex.
  5. There are no obvious whackadoodles, which bums me out, from a viewership standpoint (but good for Becca!).

The Bachelorette: All the Guys Sound Terrible

For travelling reasons, not going to be able to do my usual Bachelorette/Bachelor blogging this season BUT, just took a look at the cast and my god, it’s dire. How could they do this to the best Bachelorette in recent memory?!

Check out all the cast photos and bios here.  I didn’t link each name!

Adam: Normal, until this gem: “What is the most romantic present you have ever received and why? Threesome. It was my birthday.”

Alex: He says his favorite artist is The Rock. THE ROCK. I have no words. (Side note: the two artists mentioned by contestants as their “favorite artist” are 1.) The Rock and 2.) Jean-Michel Basquiat. One of JMB’s painting just sold for $110.5 million which is the most money ever paid for a piece painted by an American artist. Ever. The Rock has gigantic muscles. That is all.)

Anthony: Seems smart, well-educated, normal. Only 26 so maybe a bit young for Rachel?

Blake E: I could not get past his occupation which is “aspiring drummer.”  He’s 31 years old. Come on. Aspire your way into a paying job.

Blake K:If you were stranded on a dessert island, what would it be made of? “Chipotle because Chipotle is my life.”  In fairness to Blake K, I too, just thought the writer spelled “Desert” incorrectly (they did not).

Brady: Brady literally looks like a text book “male model” and THAT IS WHAT HE IS. The most romantic gift he has ever received is Lululemon sweatpants because “She knew the way to my heart is cuddling on the couch in well-made, high-quality sweats.” Tell that to all those women with the see through lululemon pants, Brady.

Bryan: The most normal so far, nothing too scary in his bio. Except he’s a chiropractor.

Bryce: I urge you to take a good long hard look at Bryce’s profile photo and then explain to me if someone went nuts with photoshop or what. His ears look positively elfen and his jaw is literally wider than his forehead. I can say all of this and be sort of mean because he said this: “How would you describe yourself as a lover? A fresh drink of water with a jolt of lightning.” Bryce… electricity and water are a bad combination.

Dean: 26, looks like he’s 22. “What does being married mean to you? I think marriage is an institutionalized sham derived from religious beliefs. That said, when I get married, it’s a life-long commitment.” Good thing he came on the show.

Demario: I thought Demario was good – cute, the right age, employed… then this: “Do you have any pets and if so, what kind? No pets but when I’m married with children I will own a pet lion and name him, “Denzel, the lion.””  However, also this rather well thought out gem as a counterpoint: “I won’t lie, I love attention… not like ’07 B. Spears attention or 2011 Sheen. Natural attention like when Justin and Brit wore those incredible denim outfits.” Those are the kind of thoughtful pop culture references I respect.

Diggy: I don’t care what Diggy said in any of his bio, I only care about this response: “What is a typical Saturday night like for you? Now, I’m trying to recover from all the day drinking! It can consist of napping to go back out or just recovering.” Are these things written AFTER the show? Why else is he day drinking? #Investigate

Eric: The requisite ‘personal trainer’ of the bunch. He seems super into Tony Robbins which just gives me great big, red warning flags.

Fred: Almost every guy in their cast photo is wearing a v-neck or round neck tee. Not Fred. Fred has on a collared shirt AND a sweater. Fred looks 45 years old. And this, which made me just…gag: “there are times that I get aroused at work and I have to go back to my desk to avoid being noticed.” (he’s an executive assistant, for those wanting to know about his arousing work).

Grant: Grant looks like Penn Badgley, after you’ve had two stiff drinks.

Iggy: Iggy seems pretty normal, but he said “I once got a boner during a board meeting. I had to present sitting down.” So apparently this is a thing, that I could have gone my whole life without knowing.

JACK STONE: Deliver unto us the greatest mystery of all! Why is he listed by his full name? Does he only go by Jack Stone? Does he not answer to just Jack? WE NEED ANSWERS. (otherwise- normal dude. Of course, I said that about Corrine last year, too).

Jamey: Jamey’s profile is a classic. You start at the top – photo – decent. Age and occupation? Seems right on. First few answers: good, good, sweet, nice, funny. Then there’s a kind of weird answer. Then a really shallow one. And then one that makes you just think of him as a complete weirdo lunatic.

Jedediah: He legit sounds like his name. He’s good on paper, if a bit mountain man.

Jonathan: He described his occupation as “Tickle Monster” which made me tab through to the next contestant because NO FUCKING THANK YOU, MISTER.

If you see this guy, run. 

Josiah: My current favorite to win this thing, based on profile. Seems like a good match for Rachel.

Kenny: Apparently The Rock is this season’s “Ariel.” The common thread that binds these men together: a singular love for Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. Kenny is a wrestler though so it feels a bit more on point for him. Kenny’s photo makes him just look SO NICE.

Kyle: Super intense and sort of sounds like an asshole. Would be good to keep him around to instigate shit.  And this nonsensical answer: “Gluten? Not really sure what it is or what food it lives in, but I select gluten-free menu options when I can.” Like, wtf would you avoid it if you don’t even know what it IS?

Lee: Lee should revisit his hairstyle. That is all.

Lucas: He lists his occupation as “Whaboom” (which for me is “WhaWhat the Fuck) He is an adult man that has an ant farm.

Matt: Super, super normal responses.

Michael: Ex professional basketball player, who played in Bulgaria. I’m pretty sure this was a plot line on The New Girl.

Milton: The second cast member who has a tattoo on the inside of his bottom lip, which is apparently a thing. Also, the most non-Milton looking Milton ever. Although all Miltons look like Milton from Office Space, in my world. Cheers, Milton. (also: he cops to the real reason he is on this show is to ‘get discovered’ which is EVERYONE’S REASON but no one admits to it normally).

Everyone’s favorite Milton!!! 

Mohit: I love Mohit! I hope he goes far. “Gluten? I’m going to dress up as that for Halloween.”

Peter: Claims to have been a model, but I have my doubts, Peter. I have my doubts.

(thank god this cast is alphabetically front loaded … dying here)

Rob: Rob looks like a mash up between Tom Cruise and Peter Quinn from Homeland.

I present to you the impossible love child of Tom Cruise and the actor who plays Peter Quinn on Homeland that I’m too lazy to IMDB!

Will: Nice! Normal! The last person I have to write about!

I like Josiah, Mohit, Jedidah and Brian (on paper)…. but no one is really jumping off the screen here as an obvious frontrunner… so we’ll just have to watch and see!