The Bachelor Power Rankings, Week 9: Raven Goes to Finland

Last night I experienced epic highs and lows. High: OMG THIS EPISODE IS ONLY ONE HOUR! Low: “Next week on a special three hour episode of The Bachelor….”. Sigh. It was good while it lasted.

This episode felt like some sort of bastard remnant that they didn’t know what to do with. We started out by watching Nick and Andi have an incredibly staged scene (favorite quote: “the last thing I expected to see when I opened that door was Andi.”). Please Nick, we are not stupid enough to think this shit happens spontaneously. All I want to know is HOW MANY TIMES DID YOU GUYS FILM THAT DOOR OPENING SCENE? They used the take wherein he looked literally less surprised than when CORRINE was standing at his door. And we all knew Corrine was going to be standing outside his door at some point.

Which brings us, naturally, to Corrine. Nick finally had to partake in a Rose Ceremony (former staple of the show, now long forgotten). We all knew Raven was making it through because this show prides itself on previewing what’s “coming up later on The Bachelor” (GUYS, IT WAS ONLY A 54 MINUTE SHOW, THIS WAS NOT NECESSARY) which included a shot of Raven, Nick and a fuck ton of snow.  They showed us this PRIOR to the Rose Ceremony, so clearly we knew Raven was a lock. Apparently ‘suspense’ is not something the Producers are interested in any more (although god knows we’ve seen enough mysterious headless women walking down hotel corridors to last a life time).

“Sorry ladies, this is the only place you can stand where the name of the hotel is also readable and god knows we’re not paying for locations anymore, so I hope you didn’t spend too much on those dresses that no one can see!”

Anyway, I digress. Raven gets through. Rachel the Next Bachelorette gets through. It’s down to Corrine and Vanessa. I would have at least had some suspense at this point because I thought Corrine was a LOCK for the Fantasy Suite, but I had already seen on the Interwebs that Corrine got to boot. Corrine seemed genuinely upset, probably because A- no one ever tells her no and B- she likes winning. Nick packed her off to the limo in a really disturbingly similar scene to when I got dumped at age 16 (minus the limo, the champagne, and the mid 30s reality TV star).

I’m sure her tears dried rapidly when she realized how great getting kicked off really is. It lines up never ending interviews with morning shows and a permanent place on Bachelor Paradise. And the bonus of not being engaged to some rando you met on a TV show, at the ripe, fun age of 25 [WHY WOULD THIS WOMAN WANT TO BE MARRIED? SHE LIVES IN MIAMI WITH AN ENDLESS SHOPPING BUDGET AND A GOD DAMN NANNY WHO CUTS HER CUCUMBERS FOR HER]. Sorry. Had a moment where I mistakenly thought this show was about finding a husband. Remembered it’s about finding B-list fame, and thus I once again understand her sadness.

Corrine and her glass of champers head off into the fierce winds of New York (all those dresses, RUINED by having to wear winter coats). We head to Finland. North Finland. In the winter. WHO NEEDS DAYLIGHT?

Finland’s Tourism Department sponsors the rest of the show, so I hope you all are ready for a LOT of snow, northern lights (real or edited), and fur trimmed hats (which I object to).  Plane tickets? Courtesy of FINNAIR! Lodging? Courtesy of a FINN HOTEL WITH A LOT OF VOWELS! Filming Locations? COURTESY OF THE GOD DAMN TAX PAYING PEOPLE OF FINLAND.  (Not to wreck this for Finland, but it feels like you could get a lot of that stuff [snow, extreme cold, caribou, northern lights] by just heading to Northern Canada)

We settle into some incredibly boring Nick and Raven footage – talking about folding laundry (UGH), playing human darts (WEIRD), gazing at each other (SO BORING). Me, to Bill, three minutes into Finland: “I already miss Corrine. Oh my God. This show sucks when it’s just normal people talking about normal things married people do.”

Lucky for us the hot toddies of Finland are just pure alcohol, because suddenly Raven decides to get really open and sharesie with us, the noble viewer.  Previous blog entries have shown that I. Do. Not. Like. Squirmy. Moments. Raven informs the producer who’s doing her interview, the cameraperson who’s taping it, the caribou of Finland and about 5 million viewers (off the cuff estimate of The Bachelor viewership) that she has only had sex with one guy and that said guy had not ever given her an orgasm.

Ok. So a few things to unpack here.

  1. She’s 25
  2. She has dated one guy for two years
  3. She never told him she loved him, and was not in love with him (murky, but I think that’s what she said).
  4. He only told her he loved her when he was intoxicated
  5. He is the only guy she has had sex with
  6. He apparently is pretty shitty in bed
  7. She felt the need to bring this up on national TV (thus saving a terribly boring episode)
  8. SHE KICKED IN THIS GUY’S DOOR AND STABBED HIM WITH HER HEEL WHEN SHE FOUND HIM CHEATING ON HER (see Week 4). Imagine what she’d have done to a guy she really loved!
  9. I feel really bad for Raven.

We move on to the evening’s finale! Grab your complimentary sweaters (Nick – a massive, throat-strangling turtleneck, Raven – a neckless, shoulderless, gravity defying number)! Turn your chairs at 45 degree angles! It’s non-dinner time!

Gravity, meet Raven’s sweater. Raven’s sweater, meet gravity! NOW DEFY IT. (also, obvs I took this screen cap from someone else because I didn’t take the time to insert lettering or emojis).

Over a lovely non-dinner of caribou and wine, they start talking. Nick asks her direct questions and she responds vaguely and without opinion (this I my problem with Raven. Other than “southern,” she doesn’t seem to have a lot of personality or…opinions. Even on incredibly softball questions). After a bit of gazing into each other’s eyes, Raven decides she MUST tell Nick she loves him. She delivers a full on soliloquy that ends with “I love you.” Nick swoops in for the kiss. Her slouchy sweater somehow miraculously stays on. She tells him she is accepting his Fantasy Suite invitation and then, in my favorite moment in the history of television, casually drops the “oh and btw I’ve never had an orgasm, so you know, NO PRESSURE or anything….” Nick’s face is just like “What. The. Fuck.” I mean, I even felt bad for him, and that is saying a lot.

“He was a man that loved a good turtleneck sweater. Little did he know that one day that sweater would strangle the life out of him. RIP, Nick Viall.”

They relax into a bed to watch the fake northern lights and that’s the end of the show. Well, not the total end. We are then treated to Chris Harrison making a “SATISFYING night” joke, and Nick doing a completely unnecessary Rocky 4 re-enactment (AS IF FINLAND IS THE SOVIET UNION). Bill’s level of disgust with this outshone any other moment in The Bachelor’s run this season so it was REALLY OFFENSIVE.

Bachelor Power Rankings Week 9:

  1. Someone that wins (but really LOSES)
  2. Someone that doesn’t win (but really WINS)
  3. Someone that has a small chance of going back to their normal life and not letting this taint the next 2-3 years of their existence.
Never mind, looks like he survived the sweater murder. Yayyyy.

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