The Bachelor Power Rankings, Week 8: A Tale of Four Cities

The Bachelor Hometown Dates: A Tale of Four Cities (well, three cities and one very tiny town).

Hoxie, Arkansas: Raven

Random Arkansas Fact: Every so often I like to pronounce it ARE-CAN-SASS.

The Date: First, I have no idea why Raven is still on this show, but she is and it allowed me to spend five revolting minutes gagging at my TV, so I guess it’s a good thing she made it to hometowns. Raven’s “day in the life” date consisted of her picking him up on a ATV and then driving that ATV through a swamp (at one point they looked to be traveling at DANGEROUSLY high speeds but let’s be real, I know NOTHING of ATVs/quads/whatever the heck people call this things).  They then proceeded to chase each other around the shallow swamp water (gross), take off Nick’s shirt (seems like a bad idea), and then LAY DOWN IN FOUR INCHES OF DISGUSTING SWAMP WATER (fucking negligent). Raven was on the bottom, aka the most immersed in the swamp (maybe this is something she is comfortable with, as a native)? Where do I begin??? Insects, leeches, snakes, ALL MATTER OF BACETERIAL AND PROTOZOAL NASTINESS. I presume Raven is dead now, right? No one could survive that.  After that they visited a grain elevator and had a fake encounter with a cop (Raven’s brother). He used the siren just a TOUCH too many times to make it seem credible, IMHO.

mynightmares
This is the grossest thing ever broadcast on network television.

The Family: The best part of this date were the scenes with Raven and her parents. Raven’s parents broke the news to Raven that her dad is now cancer free (yay!) and they all cried and forgot Nick was there.

Verdict: This entire date just reinforced the idea that Raven is not the winner. It was the first date shown, it had the least amount of air time and there was hardly any interaction between Raven/Nick/Raven’s parents, other than the obligatory “so are you ok if I propose to your daughter?” BS.

Dallas, Texas: Rachel

Best Part About This Date: Knowing Rachel is definitely not dating Nick as of February 2017.

The Date: The Rachel/Nick interaction is just bizarre to watch because we all know they are not together (which is not to say we know she does not win. She could technically have won, and they are already broken up). Rachel takes Nick to her mega church, which is predominantly black. Nick looks INCREDIBLY uncomfortable, while his voiceover tells us about how comfortable he is. They then head over to Rachel’s house to meet her mother, two sisters and a cousin. Her older sister Constance is married to Nick 2.0, so he’s not the only white guy in the room. They have a lot of serious, valid conversations about interracial dating (Nick: I don’t see her color. Rachel’s Mom: Well, you may not but the world does.). The person that seems most concerned about the white/black aspect is her sister Constance which is either makes total sense or no sense at all (I can’t decide).

The Parents: Rachel’s dad is unable to attend due to “work conflict” which I presume to be “I’m a fucking Federal Judge, I’m not going on The Bachelor” (fair enough). Rachel’s mom seems lovely. Her family seems very buoyant and fun (which is good, since we’ll see them on The Bachelorette!).

Verdict: Good date, even though something eventually goes sideways. My theory is she is Top 2 and is the runner up to Vanessa, or she “wins” and they are already broken up. She keeps saying she’s super into Nick, so I can’t see it being that she drops out.

racheldreaming
“Can we just hurry up and get to the part where I get to date 25 guys?”

Miami, Florida: Corrine

Biggest Moment: Meeting the oft-discussed Raquel (again, just… not the name of a nanny, maid, etc)

The Date: A day in the life of Corrine includes some retail therapy, so we’re treated to fifteen amazing minutes of the two of them shopping at a Miami boutique (although they cut it so it looked like they were going to multiple stores, and that all these shop workers knew Corrine. It was all the same store. Just saying.). He does a Pretty Woman fashion show with four horrible Miami outfits (including a strange amount of winter wear, considering it’s Florida) and then one Nick-approved outfit. The total bill is $3,400, which Corrine pays for with her Platinum AmEx which we all know is paid for by her dad. By my count he got a sweater, a pair of pants, some shoes and possibly a peacoat.  Good for him. Next they have lunch, and Corrine announces “I…love you.” in the most lackadaisical, unenthusiastic, slightly confused declaration of love, ever. Nick does his usual thing to make women stop talking (kisses her).

shopping
When I think Miami, I think puffers, fur and earmuffs.

The Family: I’ve been waiting all season for this and it did not disappoint. Corrine’s parents sound like they were just imported from Long Island. Her dad is MAGNIFICENT. He is loud. He is dressed like every other mid-50s guy that lives in the Miami/Palm Beach area. Their waterfront condo is a hodgepodge delight of décor that I gleefully soaked in. Her sister Taylor somehow (how?) looks like she is living in 1999.  They sit down to dinner (Raquel serves them and then sits down with them, but my immediate question is DOES SHE EAT WITH THEM ALL THE TIME?). Corrine’s mom says “I can’t live without Raquel” WHILE RAQUEL IS SERVING HER A GLASS OF WINE. It’s just an impeccably executed editing and producing job, capped off at the end when the camera pans from Raquel cleaning up the dishes to the family looking out the window cooing at Nick and Corrine down below. Corrine tells everyone that “the girls” tried to use Raquel against her and her dad is like “Well how do they even know about Raquel?” (fair) and we’re all going WELL YOU TOLD EVERYONE SHE WAS YOUR EFFING NANNY, WHICH CLEARLY IS WEIRD AS A 24 YEAR OLD AND AN ACCEPTABLE THING FOR PEOPLE TO MALIGN.

We then move on to “Has Anyone Else Ever Done This in the History of the World?” scene, with “this”= lounging on your bed drinking a glass of red wine with your father.  My favorite interaction:

Corrine: I am in love with Nick.

Corrine’s Dad: You’ve barely spent time with him.

Corrine: I’ve been dating him a month and a half!

Corrine’s Dad: THAT IS ONLY SIX WEEKS.

corrines-dad
All of us, reacting to everything Corrine ever says.

Again, Corrine’s dad is THE BEST. He then grills her about what Nick does and his earning potential, and asks her if she’s OK being the primary breadwinner since clearly she’s accustomed to a certain lifestyle. The phrase “primary breadwinner” and “Corrine” don’t really go hand in hand in my mind, but maybe as she gets older she’ll discover her inner businesswoman.

Nick sits down with both Corrine’s dad (they drink 15 year old scotch from wine glasses with thumb indents, so that should just tell you everything you need to know) and Raquel (she’s been working with Corrine’s family for 17 years but her English seems…. Like someone who does not speak English very frequently. You know, like someone whose main job is to cut cucumbers and make cheese pasta). Nick says the same thing he says to every parent/nanny, which is “I really like your daughter, if we end up together are you OK with that?” Parents/nanny seem fine with it.

Verdict: This episode continued to make Corrine seem more likeable (not to be confused with someone I like, or admire, or would spend time around). Just… vaguely likeable. I still don’t think they end up together (my god, she’s only 24!!) but she’ll stick around to Top 2 or Top 3.

Montreal, Quebec: Vanessa

Best part about this date: The incredibly diverse accents within Vanessa’s family. Every person has a different accent (French Canadian, Canadian-American, Italian, Italian-French-Canadian and Vanessa’s strangely American accent).

The Date: Vanessa takes Nick to the school she teaches at (bonus points to Vanessa – her day in the life date is literally a regular day in her life). We find out her students are adult special needs students. She is clearly BELOVED by her students, which was incredibly refreshing to see, and she is clearly VERY into her job. It was the most energetic and passionate we’ve seen her be on the entire show.

The Parents: Vanessa’s parents are divorced, and Nick is going to meet them separately. The first is with her mother’s side, which is huge. We have some Italian grandparents, some siblings and some aunts and other friends. They all sit around the table peppering Nick with questions. THEY. ARE. NOT. IMPRESSED. Vanessa relies heavily on her family’s opinions, which seem to be hovering around “tolerate.” Nick sits down with her mom and when she asks what he likes about her he says: “Well when she stepped out of the limo I was really impressed.” Oh boy. Not sure if this was editing or nerves, but my god what a terrible response. Her mom was like “Yeah, I know she’s pretty, but I’m not really interested in that…” Vanessa’s (very intense) sister also didn’t seem to be a fan. Everyone wants to know what Nick’s post-show plans are (if history is any indication, his plans are to be on another TV show). Apparently Nick and Vanessa have not discussed the fact that they live in two different countries.  Vanessa leaves the date hoping things get better after they visit her dad.

Things do not get better after they visit her dad.

Nick sits down with her dad and asks if her dad would give his blessing should Nick propose. Vanessa’s dad is like “Uh… I barely know you. You are dating three other women. Did you ask this of their families?” Nick tries to dodge the question. Vanessa’s dad persists. Nick is like “well yeah, basically” and Vanessa’s dad’s face exhibits the disgust we all feel when we think about what this show actually entails.  Her dad eventually vaguely acquiesces with a veritable shoulder shrug of “eh, fine. I guess.” END OF DATE.

vanessas-dad
This man has no time or patience for reality stars. HE SEES THROUGH YOUR CHARADES.

Verdict: I think Vanessa “wins” this season.

The show ends with all four women reconvening in New York City, with Raven wondering if she should have told him that she loves him, Rachel wondering why the fuck she’s on this show, Corrine wondering how far she can go with the Bachelor Nation Franchise and Vanessa wondering why Nick is still dating three other women.

The show ends with Andi Dorfman showing up and knocking on Nick’s door. Nick’s lack of surprise indicates he was forewarned by the producers. All I know about Andi is that she wrote a book and in it implied that Nick is a very awkward sexual partner, so next week SHOULD BE FILLED WITH INCREDIBLE AWKWARDNESS! YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

Final Four Seeding:

  1. Vanessa
  2. Rachel
  3. Corrine
  4. Raven
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