Let’s begin with the sad news that my Final Four is completely busted and all my teams are on buses (limos) heading back to their schools (modest hometown fame/future stints on Bachelor Paradise).
Somewhere along the way this show became a depressing hellscape of no fun. Last week was a downer, with six women going home, and this week was possibly even MORE of a downer. Sunny beaches and yachts can only lift us viewers so high, when we have Nick annihilating everyone in sight. So many sad faces, so many tears (Mostly Nick’s… he cries a lot.).
After some faux “will Nick leave?” drama (thank god Chris Harrison flew into USVI just to have that talk on the beach), everyone quickly forgot their fears over the St Thomas Massacre and they all squealed about going to Bimini, which is basically the same as St Thomas but with no Kmart*. And further north. And I’m sure they have cultural differences (that we did not delve into). But anyway, they went to another tropical island.
Vanessa gets the first one on one date and they go yachting and talk about their feelings while posing in swimwear (lot of yachts in Bimini, lot of yachts on this episode). They then go to fake dinner and everything seems to be going well (Vanessa looks stunning, while not eating fake dinner on a windy, random dock). She begins to open up to him and then Nick does his classic “Welp, I can’t really tell you how I feel because there’s a lot of relationships I’m exploring” thing. Vanessa’s face goes sour. I would have liked a hearty “fuck you” and walk away, but sadly she did not do that. This entire set up really just seemed like an attempt to keep some mystery as to who sticks around, because nothing about the last six weeks of The Bachelor makes me think she’s NOT making it to the Top 2.
Corrine, Raven and Kristina go on another yacht date (Corrine: “I’m from South Florida. I look really good on a yacht”) and they swim with sharks. A bit on the nose, ABC. Nick takes this opportunity to slather Kristina with sunblock and, like all men, uses WAY TOO MUCH. Ugh. Raven ends up winning the rose on the group date (for reasons unbeknownst to us), making her the only ‘safe’ person at the end of the show. I sort of underestimated her, although my original assessment: “Raven just seems like the type of girl that men like.” kind of holds water. I don’t entirely know WHAT Nick likes about her so much (they have not shown the two of them having much of a serious connection). Corrine is pissed because she doesn’t get the rose (a huge amount of this episode is dedicated to interviews or shots of Corinne worrying about not getting the rose. It’s exhausting.).
Next up is a one on one with Danielle, which consists of them riding bikes around the island. To recap – four girls went on a nice yacht, three got to swim with sharks. Danielle gets to ride a bike and play an embarrassing game of basketball (the hoop looks to be about 4 feet off the ground) with local kids (no offense to the locals but… yachts). They spout their producer-fed island history lines to the camera like a bad audition tape and it becomes clear that Danielle is going home. They have nothing to talk about. THEY ARE FROM THE SAME STATE, AND YET CAN’T EVEN REMINISCE ABOUT GOOD ‘OLE WISCONSIN. The silence is deafening. Sadly Danielle M, like Danielle L, is oblivious to Nick’s disinterest and over fake dinner begins telling him that she is really into him (or ‘open’ to him, whatever that means). Everything seems like it’s going well and then Nick’s face does The Glaze, the music changes, and we all just shake our heads and sigh. I don’t know why they/Nick force these women to pour out their feelings, only to turn around and be like “You’re going home!”. A nice person would be like, “Hey, guess what – I’m not that into you, let’s just call it” BEFORE the woman starts spouting off about how “open” she is to him (or my favorite, “I can see myself falling in love with you.”)
Nick walks Danielle back to her SUV, where she has to go home and pack her bags (apparently they are short-handed on PAs in Bimini) and face the girls. There was a noticeable lack of sadness about her departure, which made me question how people felt about Danielle, although they kept calling her ‘sweet’ (generally code for ‘boring’).
Next we have the last one on one date, which is with Rachel. Rachel and Nick go to a local’s bar. I think that’s all they did. They literally went to an empty beach bar, drank weirdly wrapped beer bottles (Rachel: “uh… I guess I’ll have … beer?”) and chat about the upcoming hometown dates (Did you know hometowns are next week? Oh you didn’t? You must have not been listening to the 40+ times it was mentioned on the show). Rachel soothes Nick’s fear of being the only white guy in her home (well, sort of) by telling him she has dated other white men but not brought them home to meet her family. I want to sidebar and point out that Rachel has not hand a SINGLE bad moment on this show, other than quitting that stupid volleyball game. And she’s had a lot of screen time. A really impressive feat/conscious choice by the editors!
Finally we get to the inevitable “woman seeks out The Bachelor in his room” scene that happens every year. This year it’s Corrine, which they’ve been hyping for awhile with the “heart is gold, vagine is platinum” line (how many times do you think she has said that IRL? Like is that a go-to line?) She shows up at his hotel room and she suggests they go into his bedroom and she closes the door and they leave their mics on and he says “What did you have in mind?” which I realize was not meant to sound like she’s a prostitute but DEFINITELY came off that way. Then it’s just all awkward breathing and shuffling and then him telling her to take it slow and then her just saying “Oh my god, oh my god” with what sounds like embarrassment and / or horror and then she emerges again from the room, denied by Nick. Just the height of squirmy embarrassment, relieved only by the hilarity of her stalking out of the hotel in her Louboutins and aiming straight for a set of automatic doors, only to bypass them and push her way out the regular door (it was funnier on screen, trust me.). Watch it here. Seriously.
The end of the show reveals that Nick is just SUPER not into cocktail parties anymore, so he decides to give Kristina the boot privately, at the house. Kristina, super star, is just stone faced (earlier in the episode, Nick is literally tearing up and she’s like “well, you can’t have us all, you have to make a decision” and I’m like “YES, SISTER!”). She accuses him of not giving her a chance and then he gets all defensive and we’re left with the distinct impression that Kristina won and Nick lost. Which I’m ok with. Kristina and her beautiful teeth and perfect ponytail head back to Kentucky.
The teaser is that Nick is going to do something shocking next week (there were no previews of hometown dates, not sure if that is standard Bachelor practice or if they’re hinting at something). My theory is that Nick cuts it down to two people, and goes on only two hometown family visits (because why the hell would he want to face four families, all of which would ask ‘Why have you been on this show so many times?”).
On with The Bachelor Power Rankings!
- Vanessa – I still think Vanessa makes it to the Top 2, along with Corrine. Even with that little faux dust-up over faux dinner. Vanessa has made it through this show (so far) looking smart, assertive, beautiful and thoughtful. This is…almost impossible to achieve on this franchise.
- Corrine – I don’t personally see a long, bright future with Nick and Corrine but she could easily make the top two. Now that they are done painting her as the villain, she’s far more likeable (I mean, don’t get me wrong, she’s 100% not someone I would spend time with, but they are making her seem at least a little less wacky. Or maybe I’m just getting used to it. Oh god.). She also called Raquel her maid for the first time, vs. nanny, as well as her “best friend.” Her hired help is her best friend. That’s so sad.
- Raven – I fully admit that I do not ‘get’ Raven. She seems like a perfectly fine, normal woman, but I don’t see a lot of depth. In fairness, this show is heavily edited, but you’d think we’d have seen something between her and Nick if she’s the winner.
- Rachel – We know Rachel does not win (and I use that word VERY loosely) this thing because on Monday afternoon, she was inexplicably announced as the next Bachelorette. Or we know if she wins, they’re no longer together. Seems like an incredibly weird time to announce her as the next Bachelorette and thus kill the suspense (esp. considering she was a front runner to win), but who am I to question ABC?
- Danielle M. – Always tough to see a strong favorite fizzle. Farewell, Danielle, to you and and your boho fashion. At least you can leave knowing everyone thought you were ‘so sweet.’
- Kristina – Kristina had a really strong episode even though she was kicked off. She’s so blunt and straightforward it’s incredibly refreshing, on a show filled with women who have tripped over themselves to try and gain Nick’s love and affection. Da sveedaneeya, Kristina.
*I did not CONFIRM there was no Kmart on Bimini, rather just hoped.