Clearly the travel budget has shrunk, because there was a mass culling on this week’s episode of The Bachelor.
We start where we left off (sigh), with the obligatory “Taylor’s going to tell Nick that Corrine’s a liar” scene which goes exactly as one would predict: Taylor tells Nick that Corrine is a liar. Nick mumbles something like “thanks” or “I know” or “what’s your name again?” and then Taylor goes home, where I can only assume she’s now having a VERY difficult time being taken seriously as a mental health counselor.
The girls are then all shuttled via a horse-drawn omnibus to a house in New Orleans, where Chris Harrison (who I can only presume goes home every night and rolls around in money, cackling at how he gets paid to routinely utter one line a show, e.g. “Ladies, it’s time.”) announces that there will be no cocktail party because everyone is teetering on the edge of alcohol poisoning. Or because Nick doesn’t want one. I can’t recall which is true. We say goodbye to Jaimi, Josephine (fist pump!) and Alexis the DolphinShark. We do not say goodbye to Whitney (who has possibly had less dialogue on this show than Chris Harrison).
Everyone is rounded up and told to pack the tiniest swimsuits and jortiest jean shorts they own because they’re headed to St. Thomas in the U.S. Virgin Islands (I mean, seriously, you could pick 20 better Caribbean islands than St. Thomas. There is A FREAKING K-MART ON ST. THOMAS. I know this because I. Have. Been. To It [both the island and the K-Mart])*.
Off they go to meh St. Thomas where they stay at a meh Marriott and go on a bunch of meh dates. The central theme of this episode (other than “not having fun”) was “I have not been on a one on one date with Nick, THUS I DESERVE TO GO ON ONE.” This includes Whitney, Jasmine and Kristina. Jasmine and Whitney complain loudly on camera of not going on a one on one so we immediately know that Kristina will be the one to get it. She packs an extra-large dose of her native Russian pragmatism and they head off to the beach where they make out (shocking) and then go to a dinner where Nick questions her about her history and how she came to America. This is actually the most interesting part of the entire season, and Nick looks legitimately enthralled (by Nick standards) with what she’s saying. She gets the rose (although really, after her story, which includes the phrase “I ate lipstick. Didn’t taste good,” you’d have to be a really mean person to NOT give her the rose).
Next is a group date, where they go hang out at what looks like a shitty public park on a beach and play volleyball (All of them, under duress) and drink (Corrine) and stare sadly out to sea (Rachel, Vanessa and Danielle M.). I mean, I’m not surprised they were all crying by the end of it because boy did it look like a boring date compared to some of the others on this show. Volleyball proved to be too much for these girls and eventually Jasmine pushes Corrine into the sand (we all want to), Rachel quits playing (frankly, not the one I thought would be the quitter), Danielle M. and Vanessa start crying, and Raven just keeps serving to an empty field (guess who gets the group date rose? Raven, the Non Quitter).
All of this is just the appetizer for the evening group cocktail party which is a non-stop barrage of Jasmine talking about how much she likes Nick but how she’s pissed that she has not gotten much time with him. When she finally gets time with him, she strangles him. Twice. She calls it a ‘chokie.’ This is a true thing that happened on the show. Nick is not amused and sends her home as fast as possible. Raven is given the rose and it is apparently so uninteresting it does not even make the actual episode cut and is instead mentioned by another girl in VO.
Finally we have another two on one date with Danielle L. (or “DLo,” a nickname that, come episode 6, is suddenly mentioned 100 times) and Whitney. This is a weird pairing, because DLo has had a fair amount of time with Nick and Whitney has had none. Normally these dates feature two backburners or two people who hate each other. They go to a deserted sandbar (islet? rock?) by helicopter for the sole purpose of Nick telling one girl he’s leaving them on said islet. The date literally consists of: helicopter arrival. Awkward couch time with all three. One on one time with Whit. One on one time with Danielle. Nick saying “I’ll be right back” and running over to Whit to tell her she’s headed back to Minnesota. Helicopter departs with Danielle and Nick. Whitney is abandoned on islet to be pick up by a passing fisherman or similar (Although enjoy the alternate universe where she begins her own colony and rules it as a sovereign islet nation of yoga devotees).
Then we get to what is just the most awful, awkward part of an already exceedingly depressing episode, where Nick and DLo sit down to a pretend dinner and she proceeds to tell him how much she likes him and his face just glazes over into what is clearly a “I’m about to send you home” look but somehow she does not see it and oh my god then she’s suddenly telling him she’s falling in love with him and I am screaming “WOMAN, DO YOU NOT SEE HIS FACE RIGHT NOW??”. It was awkward. Kudos to her for keeping a really nice, straight face when he gave her the boot though.
The show ends with Nick busting in on the remaining girls (most of which have little to no makeup on, which gives me great, great joy) and crying and telling them basically that he’s not sure he’s actually going to find love on this show (can’t fathom why he would think that after three tries) and then he just walks out. Very classic “I’m miserable so YOU must be made to feel miserable, too” approach from Nick.
WILL HE COME BACK? (Answer, yes, because this is The Bachelor and they have like, five more episodes to fill).
On with The Bachelor Power Rankings!
- Vanessa (+ 1 spot) – Vanessa has been sort of in the background over the last few weeks but sometimes that’s a good thing.
- Rachel (- 1 spot) – Rachel quits the volleyball game and instigates the Great Volleyball Rebellion of 2016. Later she told Nick she’s just not down with all the games and she’s only there for him and I thought it was going OK until he was like “well if you don’t want to be here you shouldn’t be here.” I still think she makes Top 4 though.
- Corrine (+1 spot) – Suddenly Corrine seems to be friends with the girls, so maybe it was just Taylor that had problems with her. She continues to drink a lot, sleep a lot and drop gems like “Cats have nine lives and bitches have two.” WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? Raquel 2.0 (Lorna) shows up to be their maid (that’s what it is, people. A maid.) and Corrine’s eyes light up like it’s Christmas because YAY THE SERVANT IS HERE! And I’m just sinking below the cushions of the couch because This. Is. So. Wrong.
- Raven (+ 1 spot) – I’m just begrudgenly beginning to like Raven, which probably means she’s about to get the ax. Nick seems to be kind of into her small town ingénue thing. They don’t really seem to have any chemistry but oh well.
- Kristina (+ 1 spot) – Giving her a bump for sharing her family history on national TV, which she really did NOT seem like she wanted to do. Also, when asked about her birth mother, she bluntly says “She’s dead.” Which is just SO not the way things are done on these dates so applause to Kristina for not sugar coating everything in life. Also, fantastic teeth.
- Danielle M. (- 2 spots) – All I could focus on was how different Danielle looked in this episode. Different hairstyle? Even less makeup? She also had a lot of “crying on the beach” scenes during the volleyball game and I’m just at the point where I’m giving up on this early front runner (although she still could make it to Top 4).
Somehow of the six remaining, two of them were in my original Final Four (Kristina and Danielle M.). Neither of which are winning it.
Five of these six girls were in my bottom five last week, and all went home this week (patting self on back):
- Jaimi – In honor of her going home, I’m finally spelling her name correctly.
- Josephine – You may have won some battles, Josephine, but I won the war.
- Alexis the DolphinShark – Back to New Jersey to pursue her career as a DolphinShark trainer.
- Jasmine G. – It’s possible that if we didn’t have the Corrine Show, we’d have had the Jasmine Show. Because that lady is INTENSE.
- Whitney – No longer will Bill be able to turn to me and say “Who?”
- Danielle L. – Apparently publicly dancing on a stage in front of a crowd (twice) is not the foundation to a solid romance.
* Google has informed me there are TWO K-Marts on St. Thomas.