This episode is really all about the bantamweight card of Corrine v. Taylor. In one corner, we have Crazy, Drunk Corrine (whose lack of self awareness is just off the charts), and in the other we have I Have A God Damned Masters Degree Taylor. But we have to save that bout until the end.
The show kicked off with a rose ceremony where they all looked like extras on the set of Titanic – vaguely blue tinged and engulfed by clouds of dewy breath. After the dismissal of Sarah (whose Wounded Soul expression was one for the ages) and Astrid the Well Endowed, the girls found out (SHRIEK!) they were going to New Orleans (they were just really excited to GTFO of Wisconsin). This is the perfect city for The Bachelor: a culture of booze, boobs and peacocking, for a show about booze, boobs and peacocking (oh, sorry, and LOVE).
This is the week of the dreaded two-on-one date, where one person gets sent packing and one gets to stick around for a few more episodes. There was no way on god’s green earth this two-on-one date would be anyone but Corrine and Taylor (who had a magnificent Resting Bitch Face for THE ENTIRE SHOW, including at the top when she got chosen at the Rose Ceremony).
First up was a one on one date with Rachel, where we were briefly reminded that this show is TECHNICALLY supposed to be about finding love. They’re actually pretty cute together (although Rachel could do so much better) and seemed pretty legit into their date. We also find out Rachel’s dad is a federal judge, and since Nick basically said he was nervous about meeting her father, we can assume she’s going to make it to the Top 4.
The next date was a group date, with everyone but Rachel, Corrine and Taylor. They went to a plantation (you know, a place where 150 years ago, an entire race of people were routinely and legally enslaved and forced to do hard labor without getting paid? Hot date spot). Apparently no one had a problem with this, and instead they all just giggled their way through the “haunted” plantation in search of some child named May, who died there and still likes to cruise around knocking over dishes and dropping chandeliers and shit. I was not buying into this although the girls seemed to enjoy it (Raven even said she was going to invoke Jesus Christ if she saw a ghost, and boy was I looking forward to a scene where she just screamed “THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU”). This date was pretty horrifying, but for all the wrong reasons (and frankly, the ham-handed fake scares were just insulting to all of our intelligence).
Next up was the main event, Corrine vs. Taylor. The showdown took place IN THE FUCKING SWAMP which was pretty amazing. Sadly there were no airboats (just regular boats) but there was some voodoo magic and snakes and apparently a lot of insects that loved Corrine (they had no interest in Taylor, who possibly just has ice water in her veins). The producers handed a tarot card reader some background on Corrine and Taylor and she “read” their cards which SHOCKINGLY hinted at the EXACT. SAME SITUATION. THEY. ARE. IN. Taylor went first and just iced the tarot lady out like a god damn champ (education over magic). Corrine went second and just vaguely nodded and then asked about making a voodoo doll (Tarot lady seemed all too happy to oblige – and while I did not catch this, apparently the voodoo doll looks like Corrine, not Taylor, BWHAHAHAHAHA).
Then in the most unsurprising choice ever, Nick chose Boobs over Brains and Taylor got up and walked away about ten feet, then came back to sulk in a chair until night fell, and then took off her shoes and EMBRACED THE VOODOO LIFESTYLE (ok, she let people touch her with burning sage and water – close enough).
This entire date was a 2.0 of Chad on The Bachelorette, from the woodsy setting, to the “I need to tell you something about Taylor/Chad” to the “leave the person on the banks of a river” and hopefully they don’t get eaten by a bear/razorback exit.
The episode ends with Taylor claiming she’s going to go tell Nick about Corrine, and shots of her stalking down the streets of New Orleans. I lost interest when they didn’t have her just rise out of the swamp in front of Corrine and Nick and tip their boat over into alligator infested waters (So. Much. Better).
On with The Bachelor Power Rankings!
- Rachel (+ 1 spot) – Rachel gets the top spot because Rachel went on a normal date with Nick and they actually seemed like a couple (a revolutionary statement on this show).
- Vanessa (- 1 spot) – Very little Vanessa time this week, but she’s still a front runner.
- Danielle M. (+ 2 spots) – Danielle of the Dead Fiancé got a rose this week on the group date, but I actually don’t think the two of them have much chemistry. Also, she seems better on paper. Whenever she’s on screen with Nick it’s just… boring and meh.
- Corrine (- 1 spot) – This episode didn’t have quite as much of the Corrineisms that we have come to know and love, but it was a really great reminder of a few things – 1, she’s drunk AF in a lot of her producer interviews; 2 – she looks like an actual child at times, 3 – she’s better at manipulation than I originally gave her credit for. Bill asked me if she’s better or worse than Courtney (who was not only the Villain on Ben’s season, but won). I considered Courtney to be way better at the game than Corrine, but I’m discovering Corrine is incredibly good at acting normal around Nick and then going bonkers when she’s not around him. Just imagine Nick watching this cut of the show, with Corrine sitting next to him on a couch. It’s DELIGHTFUL.
- Danielle L. (+ 2 spots) – After a poor showing in Wisconsin, Danielle L. got her shit together, and judging by their time on the plantation park bench, Nick is still super into her, at least physically.
- Raven (- 2 spots) – Raven told Nick she was falling in love with him and we all just were like, “Wait, what?” (including Nick).
- Kristina (No Change) – The only time I recall seeing Kristina is when she pointed out that both Taylor and Corrine should go home because they’re both acting like babies (Russian pragmatism).
- Alexis the DolphinShark (No change) – According to Rodger Sherman, Alexis was chased around by Nick wearing a Nic Cage mask. I have no recollection of this. Is my DVR serving up an edited version of this show? I also don’t recall her saying Nic Cage is one of her biggest fears, on last week’s show. WHAT IS HAPPENING?
- Jami (No change)– We find out Jami lives in New Orleans and is excited to show Nick her city and then she literally spends no time with Nick.
- Jasmine G. (No change) – Jasmine gets points for resisting the ghost story. Jasmine then loses points for later buying into the ghost story (although we can probably just blame the booze).
- Whitney (no change)- Bill, when her name was called at the Rose Ceremony: “Who?”
- Josephine (no change) – I can’t even.
These girls went home:
- Sarah – She’s 25 and had some sort of crying “I JUST WANT TO FIND LOVE” moment after getting kicked off, which, by doing so on national TV, feels detrimental to her finding love.
- Astrid – Just super blasé when she exited the barn with sort of a vague half hug for Nick. No longer around to make me say “Wait, is that Astrid or Whitney?”
- Taylor – Technically Taylor got kicked off this week, but she is back next week to RAIN HELL DOWN UPON CORRINE AND NICK (or, more likely, just to keep banging the same Corrine is Crazy drum that no matter how hard she bangs it, Nick isn’t going to hear). I actually like Taylor and think she’s probably pretty normal, if maybe a bit hardened compared to most of the girls. But I’m THRILLED we will never have to hear the phrase “emotional intelligence” again.