If you are a fan of crazy, and you are not yet watching The Bachelor, I encourage you to stop reading this, crank up OnDemand and start catching up. Because the crazy detector just pegged to Certifiably Bonkers.
This was actually, subtly, a pretty great episode (e.g. Danielle L’s hellscape of a date- boring on the surface but really terrible if you break it down), but the most important part of it was the Insanity That Is Corrine, who continues to dominate the show. I would put money on Corrine having more on air minutes than Nick, at this point. I don’t think there is a person watching right now who actually cares about who Nick ends up with (much less cares about Nick). ALL WE WANT IS MORE CORRINE.
The show kicked off with, well… two people getting kicked off: Christen and Brittany (I’m down to TWO Final Four teams, Danielle M. and Kristina). Then Chris Harrison told a room full of women they were going on a trip to… WISCONSIN! CUE THE FAKEST SQUEALS OF EXCITEMENT EVER! Seriously, what I would not give to have had a camera trained on every one of those girls’ faces when Chris said “Wisconsin”, just to capture their collective brief but intense looks of despair. (apparently they were supposed to go to Kiawah Island, SC, a place that I treasure, but a pesky hurricane/tropical storm threw that plan off which, aside from the effect it had on the Charleston community, I AM REALLY HAPPY it arrived in time to keep the Bachelor off-island).
They spent a miserable week in Cheese Country, doing the following: going on REALLY boring townie dates (Danielle L), “accidentally” “running into” Nick’s ex-girlfriend (again, Danielle L.), milking cows (Jami), playing youth soccer with what looked like a team of runty 8 year olds and one 11 year old (Raven), desecrating an art museum (again, Raven) and… oh yeah, shoveling loads of cow shit (literally everyone except Corrine). I think that captures it all.
On with The Bachelor Power Rankings!
- Vanessa (No Change) – Vanessa’s screen time was brief this week, other than a reboot of last week’s “Why the fuck were you making out with Corrine in a bouncy house?” interrogation, but she’s still the leader of the pack (in terms of People Nick is Probably Genuinely Interested In, During Those Brief Moments He Is Considering Marriage).
- Rachel (+ 2 spots) – Rachel was also barely on screen, but jumped up two spots based on the three minutes of interaction we saw with Nick, where he assured her she was safe and that he was really into her. We don’t see these frontrunners much because Corrine is sucking all of the oxygen out of the room, which is fine for now, because WE ARE GOING TO MISS HER WHEN SHE IS GONE.
- Corrine (+ 2 spots) – Every time you think you’ve seen Peak Corrine, you realize you’re only at the base camp. There is so much Corrine to go through in this episode, but we’ll begin with her strange obsession with the word “poopy” (this nanny thing is making more and more sense every episode. She really is like a child). She is not a fan of the dairy farm. I think she may not have realized such a thing even existed, prior to showing up at one. Part of the date involves them scooping a gelatinous pile of cow shit, which Corrine refused to do (I mean, who the fuck WANTS to do that? No one.). She claimed it was because her hands were numb and she almost had to go to the hospital. I know this show. If there was an ‘almost had to go to the hospital’ incident we’d have seen gratuitous ambulance and flashing lights shots FOR WEEKS. Also, as most people know, if your circulation is poor and it’s cold, it’s better to do vigorous activity, to get your blood flowing. Not sit on a rock observing other people work. In her interview packages, she talks incessantly about “poopy.” All the moms watching with their giant wines probably just turned off the TV at that point (“THIS SHOW IS SUPPOSED TO BE A BREAK FROM THE POOPY!!!”). Later at the ‘let’s hang out in evening gowns in an unheated barn’ part of the date, Corrine gets into it with multiple women. I don’t even care about this. I care about the fact that in her interview she grabbed her boobs, pushed them together and repeatedly lifted/shook them, while snarling “DOES THIS SEEM IMMATURE??” (or something like that, I don’t have time to read the transcripts). She also compared herself to Michael Jordan and Abraham Lincoln (all three of them nap!) and told the world she wouldn’t even allow Raquel to scoop shit (clearly forgetting that Raquel does scoop “shit,” every day, as Corrine’s nanny). Oh and she also called her nap a “panic attack” which if that’s what panic attacks are like, SIGN ME UP.
- Raven (+ 6 spots) – Out of nowhere, Raven got singled out for a one on one date with Nick, where she met both his sister and his parents (his mom is… edgy, for a Wisconsin mom who has 11 kids [I literally did not know people have 11 kids anymore, I thought that went away with the invention of the steam engine and… birth control]). Nick seems pretty into Raven, although I find her… unfaceted. Then, over dinner at the Milwaukee Museum of Art, she tells this INSANE story of how she literally walked in (sorry, “kicked in a locked door”) on her boyfriend having sex with another woman and drops these dinner conversation gems: “I saw her vagina” and “He was like, thrusting into her.” Do we think this really happened? SHE KICKED IN A LOCKED DOOR? Do people do that outside of movies? I have so. Many. Questions.
- Danielle M. (- 1 spot) – I don’t even remember Danielle being in this episode, other than the fact she had a really weird dress on at the Rose Ceremony and possibly sat in a bathtub with Taylor. But I still think she goes far once we wean out Crazy Town.
- Danielle L. (- 4 spots) – Last week Danielle skyrocketed to the top of the pack, because it seemed Nick could not keep his hands off of her. This week she got a one on one date that consisted of him showing her a bunch of spots in his hometown, which sounds fine until you delve into it. First, they decorated cookies at a bakery where the woman working gave off the Best Performance of Someone Who Clearly Does Not Want to Be Doing This. She audibly sighed when they walked in. They decorated cookies with their faces on them, and then they made the cookie faces make out, like Barbie and Ken when you’re 7 years old, and I just lifted up the couch cushions and CRAWLED UNDER THEM BECAUSE WHAT THE FUCK. After that they sat in a field in the rain (awful), ran into an ex-girlfriend in the most obvious producer plant in the history of the show (awful), went to a really loud bar/restaurant and talked about divorce (awful). And then to top it off, went to a concert and had to dance and makeout on stage (ALL CAPS AWFUL). AGAIN. FOR THE SECOND WEEK IN A ROW. Bad week for Danielle L. Also, bad week for whomever was performing at that show because I don’t think ANYONE had a clue who he was.
- Kristina (+ 5 spots) – Out of nowhere, Kristina got a date rose from Nick, for the cow shit date. It doesn’t matter. What does matter is Kristina confronted Corrine in a non-aggressive, logical manner, which frustrated Corrine to the point she just physically turned away and presented her back to Kristina, like a five year old.
- Taylor (- 2 spots) – Taylor is the classic contestant that you want to like (smart, pretty, swears a lot) but just cannot play the game right. She has a fireside chat (literally) with Corrine and opens up her Mental Health 101 textbook and just starts unloading on Corrine’s lack of emotional intelligence, which I can assure you Drunk Corrine (or Sober Corrine) is not interested in. Taylor is 100% going home next week.
- Astrid (- 2 spots) – Not much of Astrid this week.
- Alexis the DolphinShark (- 1 spot) – Also, not much of Alexis this week.
- Jami (+5 spots)– Jami sat down and milked a cow, when Nick couldn’t. I’ll just let you all interpret that as you will. Also, she had her hair straightened for part of the show and it looked really good (but probably a lot of work, so I totally approve of her going back to her curly hair because let’s be real, Nick is not worth the straightening iron).
- Jasmine G. (- 1 spot) – The best part about Jasmine was her admittedly false enthusiasm for working on a dairy farm. “Hey, if he wants me to come out here and milk cows and scoop up poop, I’m going to act like I’m having a GREAT TIME doing it.” I really like Jasmine, although I don’t see her sticking around much longer.
- Sarah (no change)- Sarah also tries to confront Corrine about how she’s not ready or mature enough to marry Nick. This is a common trope on the Bachelor. The irony here as that the people accusing Corrine of not being ready to marry are the same age (or younger) than her, although they do all seem far more mature. Possibly because they do not have nannies.
- Whitney (no change)- She’s still here. Again, basically never seen her talk to Nick.
- Josephine (no change) – In a desperate bid for more screen time, Josephine tells Corrine that she thinks Taylor is a bitch for attacking her. She’s also sleeping on the couch when Kristina has it out with Corrine and just sort of pops up like a jack in the box at the end, which I enjoyed immensely.
These girls went home:
- Christen – The embarrassment of going home before Josephine is something she has to live with FOREVER.
- Brittany– Brittany was just too normal for this show and blended into the crowd. Back to travel nursing, whatever that is.
For a funny recap of the actual content of the episode, check out this Yahoo recap which is pretty legit and FILLED with great screen grabs, gifs, etc.