OK, caveat…. I was just at the bar at Snoqualmie Pass and I’m sort of super buzzed on Washington Apples (it was way bigger than normal!). And the Kahlua girls were there, so $1 Kahluas and coffee. Or Kahlua and Peppermint Schnapps and hot chocolate as the case may be. (Not very good in case you’re curious).
And so it begins, at say… 4:15pm…about 45 minutes into the Super Bowl. Fucking Live-ish Blog Begins.
4:15pm: My head actually hurts and I stopped drinking 45 minute ago. Fucking Comcast didn’t save the game. So we’re at 8:11 left in the first quarter. 0-0.
4:16pm: In case you’re wondering, I am rooting for the Packers, based solely on the fact that one: The Steelers “beat” the Seahawks in OUR Super Bowl and B: Brett Favre doesn’t play for the Packers anymore.
4:17pm: The house smells amazing, like amazing, awesome BBQ pork which I was smart enough to stick in the Crock Pot when I was sober. Amazing. Sadly, am not hungry after eating cheese sticks and pizza at the bar.
4:19pm: Already pimping the Halftime Show, with 6 minutes left in the 1st quarter. Bill hates the Black Eyed Peas, in case you’re curious.
4:20pm: First commercial for me! Bud Light. Three Musketeers. Lame.
4:21pm: HA! Ok, the Chevy with the Timmy thing is actually pretty funny. Get it, like Timmy fell down the well…) But Lassie is a truck. (It seemed funny at the time. But I was fresh off the sauce)
4:22pm: OH THANK GOD, there’s going to be another Fast and Furious. THANK JESUS AND MARY AND JOSEPH. I was extremely concerned that Paul Walker and Vin Diesel were going to wallow in poverty the rest of their days.
4:23pm: I don’t know if this game is more boring than it actually is because I’m drunk, or what, but I’m bored.
4:23:30pm: WEEE TOUCHDOWN PACKERS!!!! Apparently Aaron Rodgers heard me. 3:44 left in the 1st, 7-0 Packers.
4:30pm: THAT WAS A TERRIBLE PASS, MR. BEN. THANK YOU. TOUCHDOWN PACKERS. 14-0 Packers.
4:33pm: Dear Ben, Somewhere in northern Idaho, a logger is filing a police report for stolen property. He’d like his beard back.
4:35pm: Man, I was worried there wouldn’t be a claymation commercial with Eminem during this Super Bowl. My day is now complete. Also, apparently he actually REALLY likes Brisk iced tea, as opposed to all the other products he shills for. Along with my Grandma and Nancy Reagan.
4:36pm: I’m trying to remember what XLV means from Middle School. 45? Super Bowl 45? Maybe I shouldn’t be touting the public education system so much.
4:37pm: Bill just made a good point. Don’t pay attention to the time stamps on this because I’m definitely on tape, not live. Stupid bar. But it was so good. But damn you, bar! Damn you.
4:38pm: There’s a good chance I can run faster than Rothlisburger. End of the 1st quarter.
4:40pm: WEEE!! Charles Woodson. Go Blue! I knew there was a reason I was rooting for the Packers.
4:45pm: Last year Bill predicted an onside kick to start the second half. I’m still waiting for him to make some amazingly accurate prognostication.
4:49pm: 7-3. Apparently the other team scored while I was petting the dog.
4:50pm: Good timing. Bill just said “This looks like a Bud Light commercial.” And then the guy said “Give me a Bud” and then he broke into “Tiny Dancer.” And that may have been the guy from Prison Break. Wow. Times are tough. Also, it was no “onside kick to start the second half” but he’s still got a little somethin’ going on, that Bill.
4:51pm. Every BMW X3 in the world is made in America. Shit. I feel like I actually just learned something.
4:53pm: Woah. Woah. Aaron Rodgers looks like Jake Gyllenhaal in a helmet. Wow. Insane. Is that what “beer goggles” means?
4:55pm: Natalie Portman is apparently in every moving coming out now.
4:58pm: Troy Aikman looks like he is getting younger. Frightening. Somebody get Harry Connick Jr on the phone for his biopic.
5:02pm: I kind of want this game to just be over so I can pass out.
5:03pm: Is there such thing as a Super Bowl without monkeys?
5:04pm: Bill: “God, I hate the Black Eyed Peas.” See?
5:05pm: YARGH! Interception! Bush on the pick! Weeee Packers! Stupid Big Ben! Go back to the bar, mother effer! That’s two picks! (you would actually think I cared about one of these teams at this point).
5:08pm: Touchdown Packers! While I was spell checking this bitch. 21-3. Jesus, this is actually getting to be too much of a blowout.
5:10pm: Nice red pen in the back of the Packers head coach’s hat. Somebody get that man a pocket protector. What does he do with it during the game? Seriously.
5:15pm: Every Packer player has made the injured walk of shame through the bar to the locker room (really, I feel like you’d get your $500 worth for a ticket by just by hanging out in that bar).
5:19pm: Wow, the Steelers might actually score a TD before the end of the half. There it is. Heinz “Ketchup” Ward.
5:20pm: I’m taking a break at halftime to do some severe spell checking. A Washington Apple makes for a – shit, did the announcer say that Ward was running a Dick route? I must have heard that wrong.
5:27pm: We’re fastforwarding over the halftime show in effort to A: not have to watch the fucking Black Eyed Peas and B: to make this more relevant.
5:43pm: And we’re back. Halftime is over. My belly is full of pork sandwich.
5:45pm: 12 minutes left in the half. Super tired. Not sure how I’m going to make it through this game.
5:47pm: Here’s the deal. This game is just a game. The commercials are really nothing to write home about, or in this case, blog about…
5:47:30pm: Touchdown Steelers. 21-17 Packers.
5:51pm: Or maybe Jared Leto. I see some Jared Leto in Aaron Rodgers.
5:57pm: Possibly the worst Super Bowl commercials in recent memory. The Tibet Groupon commercial was actually just kind of horrifying AND dumb, all in one.
6:04pm: I wish Bill would go make me some cookies. That sounds so good. Fresh baked cookies. Yep, I’m clearly loving this game.
6:07pm: FINALLY. Thank you Chrysler for putting together a good commercial (although it was close there when Eminem showed up, fresh off his Claymation gig for Brisk. Clearly someone has some cash flow problems). “Imported from Detroit.” I love it. Seriously, one day, ONE DAY… Detroit will be cool again.
6:12pm: I think I’m going to make cookies when this game is over.
6:20pm: Mmm. A “bang bang incomplete pass.” Sounds lovely! I feel like he had it. But then again, I’m rooting for Green Bay.
6:28pm: Oh thank god. The 4th quarter has finally begun. Jesus! GB just recovered a fumble! (not, actually, Jesus on the field).
6:30pm: Still on the fence over Jake versus Jared. The eyes are all Jared but the presence is all Jake.
6:38pm: Good news, Green Bay scored while I was cleaning up my pork. And that’s not a euphemism for anything, either.
6:42pm: Totally sober, but totally tired.
6:43pm: I mean, what is there to comment on? There are no funny looking players, no funny looking coaches. Nothing for me to mock. The closest I can get is that Mike Tomlin looks like Wyatt Cenac from the Daily Show. Which is just weak.
6:44pm: Ironically, this is actually a good game, from a football perspective. I mean, the game was/is close, the Steelers are trying to put up an epic come back. And yet I’m counting down the minutes until its over.
6:45pm: Not sure if I already said this, but Ben Rothlisburger is seriously not attractive.
6:46pm: Touchdown Steelers. It’s like he’s saying “Fuck you, Sessionista. Fuck you.”
6:55pm: We’re actually finally live. 3rd and goal Green Bay. Couldn’t have come at a better time, I’d say.
6:56pm: And now its a six point game with two minutes (yay!) to go.
6:59pm: Clearly Hyundai and Bud Light are the only companies with any money these days. And, weirdly, Chevrolet, who I’m pretty confident doesn’t have any money.
7:04pm: 4th and 5…. 56 seconds…almost able to make my cookies…and…. incomplete. Grab your cheeseheads, ladies, it’s all over and the Packers have won the Super Bowl.
YAY PACKERS! YAY! Well now that Rodgers has his helmet off he looks like neither Jake or Jared, and rather like a trucker.
Until next time,
ps- “It’s a great day to be great,” in case you’re curious.