I'm not saying this PARTICULAR situation has happened to me, but you know... I feel like it could have.

1. The New Girl: I know there are some people out there who don’t like Zooey Deschanel and think she’s a phony, but I LOVE her and I LOVE the character of Jess. Partially because I am a bit of a weirdo nerd (in fact, one day in the middle of me telling a story, my friend Fountain of Youth exclaimed, “Oh my god. You’re Jess!”), and partially because the character makes me cry with laughter on a weekly basis. I dare you to tell me you don’t like this show.

2. The Secret Circle: This show is essentially Dawson’s Creek with witches, which may explain why I like it so much (I am, after all, the proud owner of every Dawson’s Creek season on DVD). It takes place in Fake Washington, which basically means it’s filmed in Squamish and Vancouver so I do enjoy trying to place the scenes. And like Dawson’s Creek, I hate all the parts with the adult characters and want to fastforward over them. Oh angsty, teenage witchy romance!

3. Pan Am: I know this show is not long for this world, but I adore it. All those cute clothes! The hairstyles! The exotic locales! The freaking Pan Am stew uniforms! Not sure how you don’t love it. But apparently I’m one of the few. Currently iTunes is offering all the episodes for free if you want to enjoy it before it flies off into the sunset!

Mr. Sesh accuses me of carrying my purse like this now. And my new penchant for pale blue skirt suits and pillbox hats.

4. Up All Night: We’ve always tried the Will Arnett comedies and they’ve always managed to get cancelled before too long but I think this one will stick around, especially now that it is FINALLY being moved into the Thursday night NBC lineup (although I thoroughly object to Community getting put on hiatus, since I also adore that show). I obviously don’t have kids, but I still think this show is HILARIOUS.

5. Coast Guard Alaska: I never knew about this show because it was on The Weather Channel, but this is basically my DREAM show. The best part about Deadliest Catch are the Coast Guard rescues. Now I get an ENTIRE SHOW DEVOTED TO THEM. My only complaint is that they didn’t film it a year ago when my best college friend’s sister was a helo pilot at Air Station Kodiak.

Three Shows I’m Ready to Retire From My Lineup:

1. Burn Notice: I never know what the hell is going on in this show and I’m 100% convinced if you laid out the story line from day one to now there would be huge, gaping holes in it. Huge. Gaping. Holes. And I think Michael and Fiona have zero chemistry so I’m not sure why I’ve had to watch what feels like 16 seasons of them being star-crossed.

Also, I REALLY need her to eat a cheeseburger or ten.

2. X Factor: This is a bit hyperbolic, because the reality is, I never made it past the audition rounds. Not sure why American Idol is so fascinating and X Factor is so NOT, but something is off about the formula and I’m curious to see if it even comes back again.

3. Glee: Mr. Sesh is probably doing cartwheels around the room right now at the very thought of me quitting this show, but I’m not QUITE ready to let it go. I find the storylines rather blah but I can’t resist listening for the music (even though it’s not nearly as good as the first season).

XOXO,

The Sessionista

ps- see my 2011 Music Reviews here! you know, in case you missed it.

1. We Did it When We Were Young, Gaslight Anthem. I heard this song on Covert Affairs, ended up downloading the entire American Slang album and have been in love ever since.

2. Who You Are, Jessie J. An acoustic version of this was used on So You Think You Can Dance last summer (which is a strangely good place to get songs from); all I could find was the album version which is equally good. For a long time I couldn’t understand how this lady wasn’t crazy popular in America (she’s British) but her new song Domino is all over pop radio, so…better late than never I guess?

3. Edge of Glory, Lady Gaga. I told Mr. Sesh I thought this would be the most successful Lady Gaga song to date. I’m pretty sure I was wrong, but I love it and it is SO CATCHY (“The edge, the edge, THE EDGE, the edge, THE EDDDDDDDDDDDDGE”).

4. The Diamond Church Street Choir, Gaslight Anthem. I may love this song purely for its ability to keep me running, but it’s pretty fantastic when I’m just in my kitchen cooking, too.

5. Ho Hey, The Lumineers. Uh, let’s just call this the best song you won’t be able to find anywhere. Heard it on Heart of Dixie of all places, and then Mr. Sesh spent 45 minutes trying to find it online, ANYWHERE. Wasn’t on iTunes or Amazon last time I checked but really, really cool song that sounds a bit like something Head and the Heart would do. (and here it is on YouTube. You’re welcome.)

6. Down in the Valley, The Head and the Heart. Speaking of Head and the Heart, I loved Lost in My Mind when it first started popping up sporadically on The End. Then I never heard it again. And then I couldn’t get away from it (I regularly hear it 2x on my morning drive- once on KMTT and once on KNDD). But the album has some gems and this one is my favorite.

7. Lucky Now, Ryan Adams. Mr. Sesh has quite the Ryan Adams collection, and I confess I love some of it and dislike some of it but I picked this song up from KMTT and really, really love it. Super catchy (yes, i know, it’s a good thing I’m not a music critic), and I love singing along with it.

8. New Slang, The Shins. The oldest song on my list, but I never “owned” it until now.

9. Young Blood, The Naked and Famous. Got this as an iTunes/Starbucks free download before it was all over the radio and thought it was the shit. Then spent some time complaining to Mr. Sesh about how the radio only plays “their other song.” Which wasn’t their song (it was Young the Giant. One common word and I was just completely lost).

10. Down by the Water, The Decemberists. Prior to this song, the only song I knew from The Decemberists was The Rake’s Song. I don’t even know how I got it on my iPod but I hate it (can we say weird, weird, disturbing lyrics?). Then I heard this courtesy a free iTunes download and am a big fan. Also, technically I downloaded this on 12/29/10 but i’m going to count it anyway!

Honorable Mention: We are Young by Fun. Icky Thump by The White Stripes. Syrup and Honey by Duffy. Turning Tables by Adele.

5 Favorite Running Songs:

1. Anything off of Lady Gaga’s Born this Way except “Government Hooker.” It’s loud. It’s upbeat. It’s Lady fucking Gaga.

2. The entire Gaslight Anthem album American Slang (but esp. Diamond Street Choir). I used to only listen to American Slang and Born this Way when I first started training. I had to branch out as I got to longer runs, but these were like precious gems I could only really revel in while out on a run.

3. Don’t Stop Believing, Glee cast version. Cliche, but it really works when I’m trying to finish strong.

4. Through the Fire and the Flames, Dragonforce. First, it’s 8 minutes long, which is close to a full mile, and second, it’s super fast-paced to keep me going (ask anyone whose played Guitar Hero 3).

5. Shake it Out, Florence and the Machine. She creeps me out in real life, and the one time I saw her sing live on TV (?) she didn’t seem that good, BUT this song is fun when I’m pounding my way through a long run.

Top 5 Songs Played on my iPod (this is just in general, not in 2011…since my iPod isn’t smart enough to tell me that. And it excludes my shuffle, i.e my running iPod. I mean, I have 3 damn iPods here. So it’s really only the “Top 5 Songs Played on my Silver iPod”):

1. Oh My Sweet Carolina, Ryan Adams

2. I Dreamed a Dream, Glee cast version

3. Paparazzi, Lady Gaga

4. Closer to You, Brandi Carlile

5. Audience, Cold War Kids

XOXO,

The Sessionista

With a face like this, who could resist?

This past week I lost a dear friend: My TiVo. Through thick and thin, my TiVo supported my long running television addiction, adding hitherto unknown depths by allowing me to record up to 40 hours a week of pure, unadulterated TV.

Adopted on Christmas morning, 2003, my TiVo was immediately welcomed into the family. With “life of the box” service, she promised to be a workhorse, dutifully recording hours of shows for only $299. In the early years, her memory was filled with Daily Shows and anything with the keyword “Bon Jovi.” As my tastes matured and progressed, she would  blithely record and save episode upon episode of Grey’s Anatomy (oh TiVo, how many times did we watch Denny die together?!). She never laughed at my taste in television, or criticized me for watching “teen” shows long after I had shed that identifier. Nor did she scoff when asked to record General Hospital every day, growing fatter each passing week with episodes that we both knew I would never watch.

My TiVo and I went through many challenges together; let me not pretend it was all wine and roses. There came a time when a new DVR would move into our household (along with Mr. Sessionista). And while that Comcast DVR lacked the beauty, tempermant and whimsy of my TiVo, it far surpassed her in technology with a dual tuner, HD recording capabilities…and far more than 40 hours of capacity. With her antennas held high, my TiVo took her place at the upstairs bedroom television, relegated to being the recorder of “The Sessionista’s crappy shows that Mr. Sesh didn’t want to watch.” As dust collected, she dutifully recorded episodes of 90210 and Gossip Girl, becoming fast friends with the CW.

It was here, on the cluttered bureau top, that my TiVo faced her greatest challenge to date (not, as one might think, her steadfast refusal to delete a 2004 Michigan basketball game, try as I might to convince her to let it go). Nay, her greatest challenge came just over a year ago, when the world turned HD on us. Hours were spent reading countless forums on Comcast, ordering special receivers, rigging wires and infrared eyes and all sorts of crap to my TiVo just to get her to change channels successfully. And while she was never quite the same after that day, she did her best, only occasionally changing to the wrong channel, thereby delivering two hours of Northwest Cable News instead of Dancing With the Stars.

These are the types of things you can't unsee in life.

In her Last Days, I knew that something was wrong, but tried to deny myself the reality: that my friend, my TiVo, was dying. It came first in the form of freezing and fades (always at the most important moments of course). And while I wittily tried to fill in the dialogue blanks, and pray it was somehow Comcast’s fault, I knew it simply didn’t make sense that all my shows had crap feeds. On her last day of life, my TiVo suffered a terrifying dementia, telling me she was unable to record my show because we didn’t get the channel, only to freakishly start playing it if I hit enough buttons on the remote.

And then, on a day already filled with sadness, she went into a GSOD coma. Coming home on Wednesday night, freezing cold from seeing the Seattle Sounders lose their playoff game, I dejectedly walked up to my bedroom. As I approached, I was drawn by a bright light emanating from the front of my TiVo (the cute TiVo sticker having long ago fallen off). This was a brighter light than ever seen before on my TiVo. I turned the television on and was horrified to see a bright green screen- no happy TiVo man, no jaunty banging drumset- just a bright green screen with stark white lettering, warning me that my TiVo, my friend, had suffered a potentially life threatening malady…and that within  three hours I would know whether she would pull through.

Maybe if I didn't pile all this shit on her, she'd still be alive.

All through the night, her bright white light shown- only once going out- to which I yelled to Mr Sesh “The light is out!! Maybe it’s fixed!” (I’m sure he appreciated that at 1:00am). But the morning greeted me with the same Green Screen of Death. She was not fixed. There would be no fixing her. My TiVo had gone. And with her, my shows. Including 5 episodes of 90210, one episode of Gossip Girl and one episode of Hart of Dixie (I wasn’t kidding when I said she was close personal friends with the CW). Most importantly, she took with her my one moment of television fame: My Taco Time commercial. No more will I be able to watch myself enthusiastically sharing with the world the reason I love the chicken soft taco (the cheese and sour cream). Hopefully my mother, who saves everything, saved this as well.

I will miss you, my Tivo. Let us now gently unplug you and lay you softly in your bright orange original box which I have dutifully saved, and send you on your way to the great, big Best Buy in the sky.

Your Friend,

The Sessionista

When you see this sign... turn, enter, enjoy. Repeat.

I’ve been meaning to write this for a good two weeks now, but I’ve been too busy stuffing my face with delicious sandwiches…now that Potbelly’s (just so we’re all clear, no one, no one calls it “Potbelly”) has come to Seattle. For those who don’t know Potbelly’s…first, my abject apologies. You’ve been missing out on some delicious, hot, crispy, perfectly toasted sandwiches that far exceed anything you’d find at another chain (like Quizno’s, although god knows I loved those pirate hamsters they had back in the day…) for the perfectly respectable price of $4.50-$5.00.

I first had Potbelly’s in Chicago. Then they put one in Ann Arbor. Thank god that happened after I graduated or I’d be packing an extra 20. I love Potbelly’s so much that I constantly would check their website to see if they were franchising (The Sessionista, Franchise Owner Extraordinaire). No luck. Then three or four months ago, Mr. Sesh saw a job posting for sandwich makers at Potbelly’s. Rumours flew. My mouth started salivating. No longer would I have to plan my layovers through Midway. I could get Potbelly’s without leaving my time zone. I could get it for lunch. DAILY. Fastforward to June 7th. With a colorful balloon arch, Potbelly’s opened to the Seattle masses.

Located on 4th and Pike. If you work in Seattle, you need to check it out (I commute there from Interbay on my lunch break without problem, so there’s NO EXCUSE).

First Jimmy John’s. Now Potbelly’s. I’m a Pancheros and a Pret a Manger away from fast food bliss. (side note: while searching for the Pret link I discover that… OMFG. OMFG…Pret is now in AMERICA. AMERICA. So…guess I don’t need to keep going to London. BUT another reason to go back to Chicago [parenthetical within a parenthetical: my favorite part about Mr. Sesh living in Chicago was the inexhaustible supply of amazing, easy access food]).

The Sesh’s Sandwich Choice: “A Wreck” on white, sub provolone, light mayo, mustard, pickles, tomatoes and italian seasoning.

The most amazing 450 calories ever: Sheila’s Dream Bar (they may have dropped the “Sheila” but I’m going to continue to give her props)

With a face and magic flute like this, who could resist?

8:05pm: Let’s see, Lauren has already laid down a reason to lose (“sprained vocal cord”)

8:06pm: Scotty is wearing a shirt with scuba divers diving into what looks like Lauren’s mouth. Awkward.

8:09pm: First song: Scotty, who won the coin toss but deferred to Lauren (damn him for being a nice guy!).

8:10pm: Sometimes I think this episode is pointless. Everyone has already made up their minds as to whomever they’re going to vote for. As evidenced by this phoned-in performance of “Gone” by, I’m going to go out on a limb, some country singer. Apparently the judges aren’t even critiquing.

8:11pm: Bill just proposed an American Idol fiddler drinking game. I’m all for this. Every time he appears- drink! This guy and his glittery leg bandanna has had more screen time than Seacrest tonight.

8:12pm: Also, JLo is absolutely, absolutely wearing a Bob Mackie ice dancing dress. How many sequins had to die for that thing? (Her hair, however… fabulous!)

The Fiddler. The real winner of American Idol.

8:14pm: Fiddler! Drink! Mr. Sesh just pointed out how ecstatic the fiddle player is for this finale. Excellent point. The man is in every song it appears.

8:17pm: So …how many ugly glittery cowboy boots do you think Lauren owns?

8:18pm: Fiddler! Drink!

8:20pm: Ahh, George Strait picked his own song for Scotty to sing. Nothing like a little hubris (I love to use that word, regardless of how apropros it is). I’m kind of digging his pink plaid shirt though.

Never, ever, type "Toddlers and Tiaras" into Google Images.

8:25pm: I’m pretty confident Lauren has never not worn sequins on this show. Really. Do you know where I last saw that dress  she is wearing? Toddlers and Tiaras. On a three year old.

8:26pm: And while we’re on the subject of clothes… Randy. RANDY. I can’t even EXPLAIN how bad that jacket looks on TV. I feel like all of their stylists are on strike.

8:28pm: I’m pissed that we’re 28 minutes in and I haven’t heard those famous words-

8:28:05pm: “Scotty’s in it to win it!!!” I guess I couldn’t have teed that one up any better if I tried.

8:30pm: Taio Cruz (who?) and his autotune are singing. Let’s just all agree you have to have a hit song without the autotune before you’re allowed to use it. Ooh! I have the ability to fast-forward!

8:40pm: Jimmy’s pick for Scotty: I Love You this Big (side note, thank god thank GOD they don’t sing those original songs anymore!). Naturally I have never heard of this song. [sidenote: apparently this IS an original song. So...there you go]

8:40:30pm: Fiddler! Drink!

8:41pm: I’m bored with this song choice, Jimmy.

Bob Mackie Barbies... Meet JLo.

8:49pm: Ok, I’ve said this MULTIPLE times, but these judges are completely worthless. Completely average=”brilliant.” Simon, if X Factor fails, come back. Please.

8:50pm: So maybe these are original songs. “Like My Mother Does”. Yarg. Treacly crap. The one and only good original song to come out of this show was Kelly Clarkson’s “A Moment Like This.” You know, from Season ONE.

8:52pm: Luckily, according to the judges, Lauren Alaina has “arrived.” Which is good, considering this is, say… the last song of the last episode of the season.

8:53pm: Hey, judges, way to get Lauren’s hopes up. Too bad the voting block is filled with 13 year old girls with Scotty “Magic Flute” McCreery stars in their eyes (so dreamy!)

8:59pm: This episode = one giant disappointment.

XOXO,

The Sessionista

ps- They should date! Aww!

I can't even write anything snarky about this!

I think I have a new obsession: Wills and Kate. I mean, I just want to wrap them up and import them to America. They’re just too cute for words.

I decided a few days ago I’d wake up and catch the important bits of the wedding: Kate getting out of the car (must, must see the dress live), the wedding and the balcony kiss. After all, the last time this all happened was nine days before I was BORN. What’s a few hours sleep? Plus, I’d grown up thinking William was pretty attractive, in a British-way (although he’s looking more and more like Charles every day…).

My internal “royals getting married” alarm clock went off at 2:39am, a full seven minutes before my real alarm clock. I timed it so I would sleep through the interminable parade of hats and myriad Lords of Havalotmorethanyou arriving, but early enough to catch Kate even if they were running ahead of schedule (lesson learned, the British are IMPECCABLY well-timed. I could have set my alarm for 2:58am and still caught Kate emerging from the Rolls).

I had set up TiVo to be on CNN (I simply couldn’t do E! Can you imagine listening to like, Billy Bush, at 2:30am?), with the volume down low so as to not shock my own Wills out of bed (don’t worry; I won’t start calling him that. Creepy!). All I got from Mr. Sesh was a glance over his shoulder and a “Wha…?” before conking back out. Not a Royal Wedding fan apparently.

Someone, somewhere, thought this was a good idea.

Luckily I made it in time for some INSANE hats, notably Beatrice, who is potentially the daughter of Sarah Ferguson, and probably has some titles that I’m too lazy to look up (I am, at heart, American, after all). General fashion media has given her props, but I say it screamed “I thought this shellacked cow intestine would be perfect!” or, simply, “look at me!”

Finally came the Queen, who looked very cheery in a nice, stylish little yellow number and a boring hat that she could just have easily worn to Diana’s wedding, in terms of style.

What every bride in England will be wearing for the next 12 months.

Then it was all eyes on Kate, who unfortunately exited the hotel at the same time the Queen was entering Westminster, making for a mad split screen for all the slavering fans. All we got was a tiny peek of her dress as she entered the car, most notably that it had lace, long sleeves, a V-neck and some serious skirt (her dad somehow managed to fit in the car as well, props to him). And one extremely harried looking wedding photographer lady (also in a mad hat) who was dodging around trying to get pics.

As I was watching Kate’s motorcade I was like “Wow, this is one area we really differ from Britain…” It was all huge, clear windows on the Rolls, one motorcycle and one Range Rover flanking the car, nothing too fast….MASSES of cheering fans lining the street. No one throwing themselves past the barriers… In America it would be 16 black decoy SUVs with full tint windows, some riot police and nary a wave.

I loved the pomp of it all, and Kate looked super calm (whereas I would be sweating like I’d just run marathon). When she got out of the car at Westminster we got to see the whole dress (ok, so I have to admit, I loved, loved, LOVED the top and when she got out I was like, “oh….that’s a whole lot of bridal silk”). But after a minute I decided it was quite, quite gorgeous. I thought the skirt had a bit of a vintage ‘50s feel to it, with the full hips and gathered waist. The lace overlay up top was very flattering and I can hear the sound of thousands of sweat shop laborers the world over turning out copycat looks as I type. The only thing I didn’t love was the blusher, which seems so, so dated. And she got caught in it when she was trying to wave to the crowd. Once it was pulled back she looked awesome (seriously, love her! She is the perfect modern princess- beautiful but in a natural, approachable way. And she’s 29! Woot!)

The ceremony was fantastically short and I used the hymn section afterward to scan the crowd for Posh and Becks (not nearly enough camera time for them!) and any other famous people, but really only saw Elton John and, I’m pretty sure, Posh rubbing her nose (the 18 carat diamond she was sporting and her tiny pointy chin gave her away, even when she was half cut off the screen).

This girl would not be allowed in my wedding party looking this amazing.

I clicked off for some more sleep during the rest of it; I really wanted to see the big balcony kiss live but would have been livid if I’d stayed up and they didn’t do it (apparently Wills is not big on the whole PDA thing). So woke up this morning and scrolled through Twitter to see that it happened not once, but twice and then watched it online (ooh! Romantic!). Also, love this priceless shot of the bridesmaid who looks to be just DONE with the whole thing.

Say what you will about monarchies, the British, the Royal family…but these people know how to do a wedding.

Ps- Forgot to mention her sister and Maid of Honor, Pippa. She looked, like, out of control beautiful and I loved her dress (she also looked like she stopped eating a month ago in preparation). If this was MY wedding, I’d be like “Right, so…Sister Sesh…I’m going to need you to ugly it up a little for me today…this just isn’t working.”

The Good: The dress (amazing!), Kate, everything

The Bad: Beatrice’s cow intestine hat

XOXO,

The Sessionista, Duchess of Snoqualamishire

Just call me Appliance Vanna

Now that the my clothes pile (and Mr. Sesh’s) is about to the ceiling, we thought it would be a good time to tackle fixing the dryer. The part arrived on Wednesday but I felt like this was going to be a weekend project since NOTHING is quick when it comes to me doing anything even remotely handy.

First step was watching the parts repair video from Parts Select (this site is amazing. There’s like VIDEOS for how to repair EVERYTHING, complete with soothing background music and a repairman that looks like a grandpa). Mr. Sesh kept uttering “This is going to be SO easy…” which naturally had me getting worried about jinxing it.

Suffice to say the diagnosing part ended up being WAY harder than the repairing part. We just unplugged the thermostat from the dryer (“we”=Mr. Sesh), attached the new heating element, replugged everything and turned it on. I know, sort of anticlimactic. So there was a little squabbling back and forth about the best way to unhook the thermostat (Mr. Sesh won). And I was a little worried about the heating element since I didn’t see any visible cracks in the old heating one when we pulled it out of the dryer (visions of having to call the repairman after all this insanity were floating through my head). But when we hooked everything up, plugged it in…the sweet orange glow of a working heating element greeted us.

The beautiful, fiery glow of a good ole' working dryer.

So on the fixing side of things, most of the credit has to go to Mr. Sesh, who successfully unhooked the thermostat from the old heating element. I got the joy of screwing it all back together and attaching the vent. Fun! Well, actually Mr. Sesh had to get back there since he’s the only one nimble enough to vault back over the washing machine after it all got hooked back up. Good thing he’s thin.

The Good: Working dryer! Feel smarter!

The Bad: NOTHING! YAYYYYYYYYY!

The Sessionista Gets Her Voltmeter On.

Last Sunday I went to fold my clothes only to discover they’d been tumbling around in a cold, miserable wet pile for the last 90 minutes. The dreaded dryer breakdown. I know they often only last 10 or so years, but I have only had mine 6 years, and after spending $500 on car maintenance a few weeks ago, I wasn’t keen on having to buy a new dryer (since neither items can be worn on my body or feet and “Whirlpool” and “Suzuki” are far from designer).

So this weekend me and The Sessionista’s Man are tackling some DIY repairs. First step is diagnosing what the hell is wrong.  So far I’ve spent a whole lot more time on appliance forums than I ever thought I would in my life (all called things like “Dan’s DIY” or “Al’s At Home Appliance Repair.” I’m developing “Leslie’s Fucking Fabulous Fixes” as we speak…).

So I am just going to admit these photos were staged, seeing as I am wearing running clothes.

From those many hours spent trolling the forums, I’ve learned there are about 5 things that can be wrong with a dryer that spins but doesn’t heat up: one of the house circuits tripped, the vent is clogged, one of the three fuses inside the dryer is blown, or the heating element is toast. So far I know the vent isn’t clogged, and the house circuits haven’t tripped.

So I’m just diving in and assuming something is wrong at the dryer level. Taking the back off a dryer seems simple enough except if you’re me, who was perplexed when I came upon a screw that was shaped like a hexagon. Phone call to Sessionista’s Man:

Me: “Right. So….the things on the back are shaped like hexagons. They’re not Philips head or flat screws. Maybe they aren’t screws. Bolts? I don’t know what they’re called.”
Mr. Sesh: “Well a socket wrench will probably work…”
Me: “Ok, well…none of our sockets are hexagonal. They are square” (cue me trying all of them). “Nope, none fit. Wait. Wait. Oh. Ooops. They have two sides. Ooh! One side is a hexagon!!!”

I actually had that conversation, and actually did spend 10 minutes trying to put sockets on the wrench backwards. So twenty minutes later I’ve now managed to vacuum out the 6 years of dust behind the dryer and discover how to put together a socket wrench. Congratulations! You’re now as smart as a 10 year old Boy Scout.

Once my magic socket wrench was together, it took me another 5 minutes to figure out how to make it reverse the screws out instead of make them go in. At this point I should probably have packed up and called an appliance man. Luckily, Mr. Sesh came home with the voltmeter and it’s off to the next step…figuring out what the hell is wrong!

So four hours, one pity party, one BLT sub, one break for a Sounders game and 423 YouTube videos and Google searches later, Mr. Sesh and I have finally found a video that really showed us how to do the troubleshooting. Sure, the guy in the video actually used the phrase “I don’t care if you electrocute yourself” but what else do you expect from a

Mr. Sesh thought it would just be HIL. ARIOUS. to trap me behind the dryer.

YouTube video for appliance repair? I like ‘em rogue.

I was too weak/lame to unhook the wires so Mr Sesh crawled back there and with the computer perched on the

washing machine, we followed our YouTube repair guy and confirmed all the fuses were good and that the heating element is bad. Which brings a whole new host of fun times… buying a new heating element and getting in there. Stay tuned.

The Good: Cleaned out an amazing amount of dust and lint; learned what a socket wrench is and does; didn’t electrocute self

The Bad: Dryer is still not functioning one week after it died; can’t reach pantry without severe body contortion

4:40pm: Time to party like it’s 1996, bitches! The Sessionista has arrived (in Sister Sesh’s  prom dress).

4:49pm: One minute to go and I’ve realized the only Oscar movie I have seen is The Social Network (Why? Why is this movie up for so many damn awards?). And Inception. I’ve seen that.

5:30pm: And we’re off! Totally stuffed with appetizers, I weigh at least 50 pounds more than the fattest actress at this ceremony.

James and I share a pre-show laugh.

5:31pm: I wanna see Black Swan for the ballet aspect. Everyone else wants to see Natalie and Mila get it on.

5:33pm: I always love the opening montages “the guy from General Hospital”… that was pretty funny, Mr. Freeman.

5:35pm: Anne’s dress is like a wispy version of Nicole Kidman’s.

5:38pm: What is up with the random Oscar movies before they give the awards? We may be stretching here a bit. GOD, please tell me this isn’t happening all night long.  Also, this show is going to last forever if everyone speaks as slow as Tom Hanks is speaking.

5:39pm: So far all I’ve heard/seen is stuff about movies released ages ago: Gone With The Wind. Titanic. Can you even segue GWTW into Titanic? Is that even remotely OK?

5:40pm: Art direction: Apparently all those background clips were to tell us someone in this category is up for the Triple Crown of the Academy Awards. Frankly, I’ve had ½ a V&T and have no idea what is going on. Alice in Wonderland! I actually saw that.  Fuck, Helena Bonham Carter looks normal! She must be wearing a satin, leopard print miniskirt that I simply can’t see. I guess we’ll have to wait another year for the Secretariat of the Oscars (thanks, Dan).

5:45pm: Sounders shout-out to owner Joe Roth from the Art Director winner!

5:46pm: Best Cinematography. Apparently all the same movies are up for EVERY category. EVERY CATEGORY. And  the winner is…Inception.  The dude sounds like he’s going to die onstage. He’s actually groaning. Not the way you want your acceptance speech to go.

5:58pm: Hailee Steinfield from True Grit clearly has no idea who Kirk Douglas is. She’s doing that vague slow clapping thing. Jesus! Kirk Douglas, biggest earlobes ever! Like, the size of my palms. Also, Kirk Douglas is definitely going off script, and somewhere a producer is crying. Also, am I the only one who can’t understand him? I am sweating at the awkwardness of this. Finally! And the Best Supporting Actress is…(Sister Sesh’s nemesis)… Melissa Leo, The Fighter. Gorgeous dress, awkward repartee with The Douglas. And the bitch stole his cane.

5:59pm: 29 minutes in and we have our first F-bomb, thanks to Melissa. Can someone cue the orchestra? It’s supporting actress, not even full on actress. Enough already. Get off the stage.

Gratuitous Mark Wahlberg photo for all the ladies out there.

6:00pm: Everyone should be required to refer to Mark Wahlberg as Marky Mark.

6:02pm: Mila looks like she has lavender boob tattoos. Seriously. And this award show is just weird. Weird vibe. Weird editing. Weird presenting. Shit, even James and Anne are acting (?) kind of weird.

6:06pm: Best “Full Length Cartoon,” as Dan calls it: Toy Story 3 (I just had to break it to Sister Sesh that Toy Story 3 isn’t going to win for Best Picture).

6:11pm: Is it some anniversary? What is up with all this retrospective stuff? I feel like they needed to explain that some more…So now Javier Bardem is going to explain some random fact about…wait, I just looked up from my keyboard…why are they wearing matching tuxes??? WHITE TUXES at that? Why is no one addressing this?

6:14pm: Oh yay, Social Network has won an award. Best Adapted Screenplay. Jesse Eisenberg has looked exactly the same at every award show.  Don’t forget to thank JT!

6:16pm: No seriously, why is no one addressing the fact James and Javier are wearing the same tuxes (minus, as Dan helpfully pointed out, Javier’s has a shawl collar)

6:17pm: Best Original Screenplay. I like this old dude from The King’s Speech…he doesn’t even know where the mic is.

6:20pm: I just want to take a moment to apologize for this live blog sucking, if you’re still reading it.  Probably because nobody served me a fucking Washington Apple, like Sister Sesh promised me.

6:21pm: Clearly the ability to sing a pre-req for hosting the Oscars.

6:23pm: And then James Franco walked out in drag….Good news, we have similar necklaces on!

6:29pm: Russell Brand and Helen Mirren. A natural pair. And she is speaking French. At least her dress isn’t super-low like it normally is. Guh, old boobs…

6:30pm: Best Foreign Language Film? I’m rooting for Canada. Astute observation from the winner: “This is a real Oscar.” Why yes, it is. And no, Canada didn’t win. Damn you, Academy!

During the boring bits, we posed for Prom pictures.

6:35pm: OMG IT’S MOVIE STAR BARBIE!!!!!! Oh Reese, how many people died for your ponytail?

6:37pm: Best Supporting Actor: Christian Bale. And, another shawl collar tux! (side note, the lady at After Hours Tux Shop refused to let Bill wear a shawl collar tux, which I wanted, and look, look, they’re everywhere at the Oscars. Why did I defer to the opinion of a woman who works at Factoria Mall?).

6:39pm: In case you’re curious, I didn’t shower today. And I have BO. And I’m wearing an evening gown. From 1996.

6:41pm: Nicole Kidman’s dress is from the same decade as mine (1990s, bitches!).

6:43pm: Jesus, when is the In Memoriam section starting?

6:44pm: Best Original Score, the only category I actually would like to have The Social Network win. I think Reznor should insist on sitting in a spinning chair for his acceptance speech.

6:45pm: I love Scarlett  Johansson’s dress, which is hard to say since I don’t love HER. Her hair, however, is Calista Flockhhart meets Michelle Pfeiffer…

6:46pm: Shit, Salt is up for an Academy Award?

6:49pm: “If we’re not here to judge, what are we here for?”… words of wisdom from Sister Sesh.

6:50pm: My sequins are scratchy. God only knows what my sister did in this dress 14 years ago… it WAS prom night.

6:53pm: I’m probably going to lose street cred when I publish this, it’s THAT BAD.

6:57pm: Marisa Tomei! My Cousin Vinnie!!! That’s why she’s here, right? Jesus, that bodice could cover double EE boobs… I mean, that is a ton of satin across your mams, Mar-Tom!

6:59pm: Please confirm, Anne is dressed like the black swan, right? Like, on purpose?

7:00pm: Cate Blanchett clearly fell into a vat of Dippin’ Dots.

7:03pm: My  favorite category, Best Costume. Alice in Wonderland, a movie I actually saw! Colleen Atwood looks exactly like my my flower lady for my wedding. Also, WHY WHY WHY do costumers always have the most  boring outfits? Where are the silver sequins, bedazzled bodices and busting boobs? [if anyone's counting, this is like my 9th boob reference...not sure what my obsessions with famous boobs is...]

At least there was no shortage of snacks.

7:04pm: Well, Spacey is here to announce a Best Original Song. Shocking, that, for like, the 100th time, fucking Randy Newman is up for an award. It isn’t original when you just keep copying yourself.

7:06pm: I’m so bored I’m checking scores on my ESPN app.

7:07pm: I just asked Bill if that was the guy from Chuck. And I was kidding. And then Bill said it is. I am so confused. Chuck is also a signer? Also, Jenny said Mandy Moore was dressed like an ice dancer from the ’88 Olympics in Calgary, on the red carpet. Why she isn’t wearing it on stage, I’ll never know…

7:08pm: YAY! JAKE GYLLENHAAL IS COMING UP! Sorry, I had to get excited about something.

7:10pm: I have chaffage on my inner forearms from typing against my sparkles.

7:12pm: I love Amy Adams. And Jake. I’m still sad he and Reese didn’t marry and have beautiful babies.

7:13pm: I am almost through 2 V&Ts yet I feel sober … and I have to take a piss. I think the woman who won the short film award is a man in drag.

7:15pm: Millions rejoice: the great state of Delaware was thanked.

7:21pm: Really? Oprah? Hasn’t she conquered enough of the world? Must she be on the Oscars, too? Jenny can’t get past the fact her face looks like it got punched (strange shadowage).

7:22pm: The best documentary winners look THRILLED to win. THRILLED. The lady looks like someone just drowned her kitten.  And she’s flaunting that this is only the second film she’s made. Take that, lifelong losers (we’re talking to you, Newman)!

7:30pm: Prior to the Oscars, I actually liked Anne Hathaway.

7:35pm: Coming up, Jennifer Hudson’s boobs (did she really lose all that weight via Weight Watchers? I mean, I’m going on WW if that’s the case).

7:41pm: Really? Gwyneth Paltrow as country music’s newest star? Not sure I’m on board with that. Or her white mic.

7:47pm: Biggest upset of the night: Randy Newman (20 noms) over Gwynnie for Best Song. I’m lodging a protest.

7:49pm: Sister Sesh is definitely winning the blog-off.

8:00pm: Celine Dion- this HAS to be the In Memoriam section. OMG, The old lady from Titanic died!!!! I didn’t know that.

If James Cameron and Ken Jennings somehow magically reproduced together, this is what we'd get.

8:04pm: James Cameron and Ken Jennings love child is accepting Best Director for King’s Speech.

8:06pm: Annette Bening’s dress looks like it was pulled from the costume closet on Tron.

8:10pm: Best Actress! I’ve woken up again: Also, all the women are wearing emeralds. What up with that? Wee! Natalie Portman and her unborn child have won. Cue the divorce lawyers.

8:20pm: Speaking of divorces…Sandy!!! Ooh, my favorite dress of the night. However, her hair looks as dirty as mine.

8:21pm: Best Actor Noms: Darling Javier Bardem, Jesse Eisenberg, who appears to be the same exact person as his character, Cutie Patootie James Franco, Jeff “Crazy Beard” Bridges, and … winner… Colin Firth! Oh you’ve come so far since Bridget Jones (but the reality is, I’ll always, always think of you as Mr. Darcy. And I, as your Elizabeth).

8:25pm: God, it’s finally almost over.  I may be projecting my own failure onto the awards.

8:29pm: There’s 10 minutes left. Anne is clearly now just making gratuitous outfit changes.

8:32pm: Best Picture. I’m calling King’s Speech. If not, it’s stupid Social Network.  I win! So did Sister Sesh, and she just started cawing with joy for having made the right pick.

On General Hospital, James Franco plays a character named Franco. Seriously.

Well, the only high point of this night was the food, Sister Sesh’s resurrected prom dress, and our collective ability to gaze upon James Franco. Good night. I’m going home to watch General Hospital (no, seriously, I am).

PS: I’d take Keyboard Cat over New York’s P.S.224 any day. Play me off, Keyboard Cat!

Ciao,

The Sessionista

And so it begins, at say… 4:15pm…about 45 minutes into the Super Bowl. Fucking Live-ish Blog Begins.

4:15pm: My head actually hurts and I stopped drinking 45 minute ago. Fucking Comcast didn’t save the game. So we’re at 8:11 left in the first quarter. 0-0.

4:16pm: In case you’re wondering, I am rooting for the Packers, based solely on the fact that one: The Steelers “beat” the Seahawks in OUR Super Bowl and B: Brett Favre doesn’t play for the Packers anymore.

4:17pm: The house smells amazing, like amazing, awesome BBQ pork which I was smart enough to stick in the Crock Pot when I was sober. Amazing. Sadly, am not hungry after eating cheese sticks and pizza at the bar.

4:19pm: Already pimping the Halftime Show, with 6 minutes left in the 1st quarter. Bill hates the Black Eyed Peas, in case you’re curious.

4:20pm: First commercial for me! Bud Light. Three Musketeers. Lame.

Sadly, I saw no puppies during the Super Bowl. For that, it's off to Animal Planet's PUPPY BOWL!!!

4:21pm: HA! Ok, the Chevy with the Timmy thing is actually pretty funny. Get it, like Timmy fell down the well…) But Lassie is a truck. (It seemed funny at the time. But I was fresh off the sauce)

4:22pm: OH THANK GOD, there’s going to be another Fast and Furious. THANK JESUS AND MARY AND JOSEPH. I was extremely concerned that Paul Walker and Vin Diesel were going to wallow in poverty the rest of their days.

4:23pm: I don’t know if this game is more boring than it actually is because I’m drunk, or what, but I’m bored.

4:23:30pm: WEEE TOUCHDOWN PACKERS!!!! Apparently Aaron Rodgers heard me. 3:44 left in the 1st, 7-0 Packers.

4:30pm: THAT WAS A TERRIBLE PASS, MR. BEN. THANK YOU. TOUCHDOWN PACKERS. 14-0 Packers.

4:33pm: Dear Ben, Somewhere in northern Idaho, a logger is filing a police report for stolen property. He’d like his beard back.

4:35pm: Man, I was worried there wouldn’t be a claymation commercial with Eminem during this Super Bowl. My day is now complete. Also, apparently he actually REALLY likes Brisk iced tea, as opposed to all the other products he shills for. Along with my Grandma and Nancy Reagan.

4:36pm: I’m trying to remember what XLV means from Middle School. 45? Super Bowl 45? Maybe I shouldn’t be touting the public education system so much.

4:37pm: Bill just made a good point. Don’t pay attention to the time stamps on this because I’m definitely on tape, not live. Stupid bar. But it was so good. But damn you, bar! Damn you.

4:38pm: There’s a good chance I can run faster than Rothlisburger. End of the 1st quarter.

4:40pm: WEEE!! Charles Woodson. Go Blue! I knew there was a reason I was rooting for the Packers.

4:45pm: Last year Bill predicted an onside kick to start the second half. I’m still waiting for him to make some amazingly accurate prognostication.

4:49pm: 7-3. Apparently the other team scored while I was petting the dog.

4:50pm: Good timing. Bill just  said “This looks like a Bud Light commercial.” And then the guy said “Give me a Bud” and then he broke into “Tiny Dancer.” And that may have been the guy from Prison Break. Wow. Times are tough. Also, it was no “onside kick to start the second half” but he’s still got a little somethin’ going on, that Bill.

4:51pm. Every BMW X3 in the world is made in America. Shit. I feel like I actually just learned something.

4:53pm: Woah. Woah. Aaron Rodgers looks like Jake Gyllenhaal in a helmet. Wow. Insane. Is that what “beer goggles” means?

This is Aaron Rodgers.

4:55pm: Natalie Portman is apparently in every moving coming out now.

4:58pm: Troy Aikman looks like he is getting younger. Frightening. Somebody get Harry Connick Jr on the phone for his biopic.

5:02pm: I kind of want this game to just be over so I can pass out.

5:03pm: Is there such thing as a Super Bowl without monkeys?

5:04pm: Bill: “God, I hate the Black Eyed Peas.” See?

5:05pm: YARGH! Interception! Bush on the pick! Weeee Packers! Stupid Big Ben! Go back to the bar, mother effer! That’s two picks! (you would actually think I cared about one of these teams at this point).

This is Jake Gyllenhaal.

5:08pm: Touchdown Packers! While I was spell checking this bitch. 21-3. Jesus, this is actually getting to be too much of a blowout.

5:10pm: Nice red pen in the back of the Packers head coach’s hat. Somebody get that man a pocket protector. What does he do with it during the game? Seriously.

5:15pm: Every Packer player has made the injured walk of shame through the bar to the locker room (really, I feel like  you’d get your $500 worth for a ticket by just by hanging out in that bar).

5:19pm: Wow, the Steelers might actually score a TD before the end of the half. There it is. Heinz “Ketchup” Ward.

5:20pm: I’m taking a break at halftime to do some severe spell checking. A Washington Apple makes for a – shit, did the announcer say that Ward was running a Dick route? I must have heard that wrong.

5:27pm: We’re fastforwarding over the halftime show in effort to A: not have to watch the fucking Black Eyed Peas and B: to make this more relevant.

5:43pm: And we’re back. Halftime is over. My belly is full of pork sandwich.

5:45pm: 12 minutes left in the half. Super tired. Not sure how I’m going to make it through this game.

5:47pm: Here’s the deal. This game is just a game. The commercials are really nothing to write home about, or in this case, blog about…

5:47:30pm: Touchdown Steelers. 21-17 Packers.

5:51pm: Or maybe Jared Leto. I see some Jared Leto in Aaron Rodgers.

And this is Jared Leto. A debate for the ages. I'll let the public decide.

5:57pm: Possibly the worst Super Bowl commercials in recent memory. The Tibet Groupon commercial was actually just kind of horrifying AND dumb, all in one.

6:04pm: I wish Bill would go make me some cookies. That sounds so good. Fresh baked cookies. Yep, I’m clearly loving this game.

6:07pm: FINALLY. Thank you Chrysler for putting together a good commercial (although it was close there when Eminem showed up, fresh off his Claymation gig for Brisk. Clearly someone has some cash flow problems). “Imported from Detroit.” I love it. Seriously, one day, ONE DAY… Detroit will be cool again.

6:12pm: I think I’m going to make cookies when this game is over.

6:20pm: Mmm. A “bang bang incomplete pass.” Sounds lovely! I feel like he had it. But then again, I’m rooting for Green Bay.

6:28pm: Oh thank god. The 4th quarter has finally begun.  Jesus! GB just recovered a fumble! (not, actually, Jesus on the field).

6:30pm: Still on the fence over Jake versus Jared. The eyes are all Jared but the presence is all Jake.

6:38pm: Good news, Green Bay scored while I was cleaning up my pork. And that’s not a euphemism for anything, either.

6:42pm: Totally sober, but totally tired.

6:43pm: I mean, what is there to comment on? There are no funny looking players, no funny looking coaches. Nothing for me to mock. The closest I can get is that Mike Tomlin looks like Wyatt Cenac from the Daily Show. Which is just weak.

6:44pm: Ironically, this is actually a good game, from a football perspective. I mean, the game was/is close, the Steelers are trying to put up an epic come back. And yet I’m counting down the minutes until its over.

6:45pm: Not sure if I already said this, but Ben Rothlisburger is seriously not attractive.

6:46pm: Touchdown Steelers. It’s like he’s saying “Fuck you, Sessionista. Fuck you.”

6:55pm: We’re actually finally live. 3rd and goal Green Bay. Couldn’t have come at a better time, I’d say.

6:56pm: And now its a six point game with two minutes (yay!) to go.

6:59pm: Clearly Hyundai and Bud Light are the only companies with any money these days. And, weirdly, Chevrolet, who I’m pretty confident doesn’t have any money.

7:04pm: 4th and 5…. 56 seconds…almost able to make my cookies…and…. incomplete. Grab your cheeseheads, ladies, it’s all over and the Packers have won the Super Bowl.

YAY PACKERS! YAY! Well now that Rodgers has his helmet off he looks like neither Jake or Jared, and rather like a trucker.

Until next time,

The Sessionista

ps- “It’s a great day to be great,” in case you’re curious.