The Real Winner of American Idol: Bedazzled Bodysuits

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. Or in this case, 191. Without further ado:

“Gotta be unique. I’m thinking ‘bodysuit’…and then definitely some fake jewels…sort of…all over. And then let’s just cut out 25% of the fabric.”

Oh no she didn’t.

This is the outfit change that warranted a 35 minute absence from the judge’s table. But hey, think of all the things she can squirrel away in that crotch tent.

“And then you just drink this special kool-aid, and you lie down on this comfy cot and then when you wake up you’ll be in Heaven. PROMISE.”

Jessica is pissing herself with fear right now.

The only thing missing from this entire performance was a bedazzled bodysuit.

Jennifer Holliday: God’s gift to screen captures.

I was a little disappointed when she didn’t shake her wig off.

“One swat to her tiny pinhead and I’d never have to share this stage AGAIN.”

Understated sad face.

May next year bring us as many fashion tragedies as this year.

XOXO,

The Sessionista

American Idol: The Finale. And Yes, It’s as Boring as You Would Expect.

My DVR must be broken. It says this show is only an hour, which can’t possibly be right. I mean, that would just be silly.

8:00pm: If these intro graphics are any indication, someone is writing a book about American Idol with a good old-fashioned calligraphy pen. And it’s not me. Fade into obligatory montage of Phillip and Jessica talking about trying out for American Idol and how their dreams are slipping away and how their life is about to change and how maybe their dreams are going to come true (But they’re slipping away! But they’re coming true. But they’re slipping away! But they’re coming true.). Just one time I’d like a clip of someone saying “Right, so I tried out on my lunch break and when this is all done I’m going to go cure cancer on my coffee break, and really I don’t give a shit what happens here. And I have no dreams.”

8:02pm: Jennifer is wearing ‘Latex and Lace,’ Stephen is dressed like it is 1970 (still) and Randy is just being Randy.

8:02:30pm: I think we’re supposed to be impressed when Ryan tells us there are 7,000 people in the audience. Emphasis on “supposed to.”

It looked weird when she walked out holding her dress. And it looked weird 15 minutes later when she was still squeezing the life out of it.

8:03pm: Phillip has dressed up! He’s wearing a nude dress with a black mesh overlay. Oh wait, that’s Jessica. Who is clutching the hem of her dress like it’s her blankie.

8:05pm: First song of the night… Jessica sings “I Have Nothing” by Whitney Houston. She’s still clutching the hem of her dress.

8:06pm: Still holding her dress.

8:06:30pm: And release! Dress hem is dropped, yet is a giant rumpled mess so it looks like she’s still clutching it.

8:07pm: Ryan tells us that, tragically, we only have four hours to vote. So I start thinking about what I could possibly do in four hours. (Drive from Seattle to Salem, read a book, watch Titanic with time to rewind and replay the “My Heart Will Go On” credit sequence nine times… You get the idea).

8:11pm: Dave/Phillip is singing “Stand By Me.” It should take the next 45 minutes for him to finish the song. His chest hair is particularly active tonight and he’s chosen an extra wrinkly unbuttoned shirt in honor of this momentous occasion. Or maybe he just came off his shift at the oil change shop down the street. It’s difficult to tell.

These two performances exemplify exactly how opposite these people are. Super crazy overblown ballad singer at karaoke versus some dude strumming his guitar at the back of an empty coffee shop. You know the guy I’m talking about.

8:14pm: Jennifer’s outfit is shit-tastic. Luckily 1/3 of it is missing, so the right side of her chest and right arm still look normal.

Lest you think I was exaggerating about the bedazzled neck brace.

8:17pm: We’re only 90 seconds away from the last time you will ever hear Jason Derulo’s name, after he completely loses any and all credibility with this “finish my song” thing. Also, only 90 seconds away from seeing what kind of bedazzled neck brace he’s sporting tonight (please, god, let it be bedazzled!). My night will be ruined if he is not wearing a glittery neck brace. I NEED this glittery neck brace.

8:19pm: Come on, neck brace….neck brace….

8:19:01pm: Um. Where the shit is his neck brace?

8:19:02pm: Night. Ruined.

8:19:30pm: But what if he fell backwards off that little folding chair? I mean… everyone knows it’s not safe to stand on a folding chair…

8:20pm: Wait, how does Jordin Sparks already know the words to this song? Isn’t it just premiering?

8:21pm: So the song is catchy AND he has no neck brace. Pretty annoying.

8:27pm: The women holding the “Phil” signs behind Ryan are all pushing 40. He should conveniently schedule his kidney surgery to conflict with the American Idol Tour. If he knows what’s good for him.

8:27:30pm: Jessica’s next song is “The Prayer.” Errr… I don’t remember her singing this but OK. These ballads just all run together. I hope this breaks into disco.

8:29pm: Hmph. It did not.

Actual screenshot after Jessica performed.

8:30pm: Crowd shot of the losers, most notably Colton’s hair. They’re not doing a good job of looking like they like Jessica. But then again, no one seems to like Jessica.

8:33pm: Phillip has chosen “Movin’ Out” from Billy Joel week.

8:34pm: Crazy sax lady! Playing some Kenny G-esque sax. And sitting on a white piano. How did this woman swing so much screen time? HOW?

8:36pm: Phil looks like he’s going to hurl on stage (which would spice things up, especially if he did it right on Ryan).

8:37pm: I’m frankly disappointed in Randy’s lack of pins. That flower boutonniere just doesn’t cut it.

8:38pm: Guess what’s coming up?! My favorite round, where we get to hear the truly terrible songs Phil or Jessica will be forced to release if they win. So the real winner is the loser. Because they don’t have to attach their name to this shit. (or do they? How soon I forget).

This is the face of a winner.

8:40pm: This year has nothing on last year’s country-fest, which was full of sparkly bandanas and invisible flutes. Those were the good old days. This year all I’ve got to work with is a miniature robot and someone who is either actually ill or has crafted a complicated excuse to get out of the Ford music videos.

8:41pm: Jessica is singing “Change Nothing” for her future single. The music sounds like it’s been completely ripped off. There’s a swirling vortex behind her that we all desperately want to throw her into. And she’s sharp. Making the song that much more painful.

8:47pm: Jessica, full of false modesty (perhaps why no one likes her) says, “If I ever make a record” as if she doesn’t realize that American Idol owns her teeny tiny body, heart and soul and will soon be wringing as many possible hits out if it as physically possible.

8:49pm: Jennifer tells Jessica she’s going to make “many records.” I wonder if Jessica (and Jennifer) know that a record is a song. In case she’s thinking she’s going to have a fleet of albums under her belt.

8:51pm: Phil is singing a song called “Home” for his first single. Somehow he found something that sounds somewhat normal. The Rapture is going on in the background, but otherwise, one of the least frightful songs from a finale on American Idol.  Ever.  In fact, I’m really embarrassed to admit that I just said: “This folksy/marching band sound is really on trend right now. It’s almost like…[pause]…like The Lumineers.” I just have to apologize profusely for mentioning the Lumineers in an American Idol blog.

8:52pm: Jennifer Lopez again reveals that she knows NOTHING about music by saying “I can’t even think of an artist that sounds like that,” two seconds after Randy compares the sound to Mumford and Sons and Fleet Foxes.  Followed by Steven Tyler throwing out Paul Simon.

Let’s close the show out showing Jessica and Phil awkwardly pretending to like each other. And struggling to find something nice to say about each other.

XOXO,

The Sessionista (who is not blogging the final finale, sadly).

BONUS: SCOTTY MCREARY IS HERE!!!! American Flags! Vests!  Cowboy boots! Super low voice! Now all I need is him to  pick up the microphone and hold it sideways. DO IT. PLAY THAT MAGIC FLUTE.

God, I wanted to find this photo so badly. Happy Birthday to me.

American Idol: The End is in Sight. THANK GOD.

Well the show is starting off on a not at all hyperbolic note. Extreme closeups. Floating heads. Low lighting. Ryan sounding like he’s peaking on a cocaine binge (he’s really freaking me out this season for some reason. Is total creepy robot automaton).

And I didn’t even SEE those gold shoes until now.

The stylists must be really bored this year since Dave wears the same gray t-shirt and button down combo every week and Joshua wears Randy’s cast-off suit jacket and flower every week. And Jessica just gets shoved into whatever Barbie clothes they have on hand (this week’s being an evening gown, circa 1885. I can practically hear the honky-tonk and smell the prostitution in the air).

Hey if anyone is confused about what time it is, feel free to take a look at that pocket watch on Randy’s lapel. Missing the whole concept of the pocket watch, apparently. Or just living on the edge. You be the judge. (also, Randy’s outfit tonight is a total hot mess. Nothing on it matches. Literally. Nothing.)

Judge’s Choice is the first round (of lord knows how many):

Joshua Ledet: Randy picked an Etta James song, “I’d Rather Be Blind.” Jesus, not only is he wearing Randy’s cast-off jackets, he has one of those gigantic Randy diamond watches on as well. He’s 150 pounds, a Journey name drop and some hipster glasses away from a complete metamorphosis. My biggest takeaway from this performance is that the blonde saxophonist is on stage more than some of the contestants. She is EVERYWHERE. Clearly bringing home the bacon, that one.

Jessica Sanchez: JLo chose “My All” by Mariah Carey for Jessica because it’s one of her favorite songs. This is a little weird. Apparently MC is the one huge diva that Jessica can’t conquer. In parts it’s too low for her, and in other parts it’s too high for her. And she constantly sounds out of breath. Way to go JLo. Way to make sure a lady doesn’t win. For the 6th year in a row. LADY HATER. (at the end you can see JLo turn to Randy and say “that was a hard song…” NO SHIT.)

Phillip/Dave/Phillips/Matthews: Steven picks a song NO ONE HAS HEARD OF by an artist NO ONE HAS HEARD OF, “Beggin’” by Madcon (???) No. Clue. Although it sounds promising. Mostly because it sounds like DMB who have sold billions of albums. This is of course a total non-issue since he had this thing in the bag for the last um, 10 weeks or so. Sometimes I wonder if he wakes up every day thinking “Shit, I can’t believe I pulled this off. I’ve copied Dave Matthews since my first audition AND HAVE NEVER BEEN CALLED OUT ON IT.”

Oh Jesus. Oh Jesus. Steven Tyler just said Phillip Phillips could be a “New age Boss. A new age Springsteen.” It is all I can do not to throw my remote through the television. DON’T YOU EVER DARE COMPARE PP TO BRUCE FUCKING SPRINGSTEEN. HE IS AN ACTUAL ROCK LEGEND. All I can do is blame the drugs that have obviously addled Steven’s brain. There is no other excuse for this sacrilege.

Now we’re on to Contestant’s Choice.

Joshua: God, if Joshua wins, someone needs to send him through Media Training. I can’t handle listening to him try this whole “banter” thing with Ryan. Always so awkward. Home town visits…OK, let’s talk about Joshua’s preacher dad….who wears a bright gold and black cross (as in holy) t-shirt with a suit jacket. There’s a scary amount of people crying in this hometown homage. You know, strangers, who don’t actually know this guy.  Also, Louisiana really likes their parade floats. Moving on to the song. He’s singing “Imagine,” by John Lennon. Which means he’s taking on David Archuleta, who along with his creepy stage dad, owns this song on American Idol. Needless to say, Joshua’s is a little more…shall we say…gospel-y.

Speaking of God, JLo’s hair is AMAZING tonight. And she’s wearing an understated pink suit. My god, this woman keeps me on my toes.

All the fun of a dress, with the convenience of pants.

Jessica: We basically learn that Jessica was home-schooled and no one liked her and now every one loves her. Yep. Get used to it. This is how it works. People pretend to like you because you’re famous. She’s singing “I Don’t Wanna Miss  a Thing” by Aerosmith (!). I don’t know why, but I hate this song. Which sucks since it gets sung on American Idol every season. It’s sort of meh. She’s kind of having a bad week compared to some of her other performances. I spent most of the performance trying to figure out if she’s wearing a dress or pants. Mystery! Also, when is someone going to sing a JLo song? I would kill for someone to sing “Jenny From the Block.”

By the way, I am pretty confident Randy has started every one of his judgements with ‘Yo.’ Why am I still surprised by this?

Phillip: I predict his hometown visit will be filled with screaming women. After arriving at what looks like Gitmo, it’s off to the pawn shop, where a

Oh, were we not supposed to bring our guns on set?

woman pushing three bills rushes him like he’s a platter of bacon (I can say that without sounding like an asshole because I rush every platter of bacon I see). Just in case anyone missed it, Phil’s dad is carrying a loaded handgun in his belt during all the interviews. Jesus. Christ. I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried. He’s singing “Disease” by Matchbox 20. I actually really like this song, although I prefer the non-DMBish version. Sax woman is out in full force and it’s obvious the cameraman is in love with her since we see more of her than Phil. This would have the desired sexy effect if he wasn’t screwing his face up like his appendix just burst. Anyway. Winner.

(and clearly sax girl loves HIM, if that hug at the end was any indication).

And now on to Jimmy Iovine’s choice (also, my god, it feels like I’ve already written a NOVEL):

Joshua: “No More Drama” by Mary J Blige. Good news, I may actually like this. Fuck yeah sparkly shoulder pads! That’s my only critique. You’re welcome.

Jessica: “I’ll be There” by Jackson 5. Which was her best performance of the night. But I still think she’s going home.

Phillip: “We’ve Got Tonight,” by Bob Seger. Mmm… I love Bob Seger. This is a very NON-PP song though. It’s nice, minus the nervous compulsive leg rubbing which is perilously close to his um…mini-Phils (I can just imagine the stage manager screaming “STOP RUBBING YOUR JUNK ON STAGE.”). This song proves that PP was capable of singing a song and NOT sounding like Dave Matthews. Congrats. It only took you the entire fucking season to do so. Standing. Ovation.

XOXO,

The Sessionista.

American Idol: In Pictures

So I missed last week’s show because of work (the horror!). So instead I just gathered a bunch of photos of Joshua being churchy in his ugly suits.

Nothing too egregious here, except for the sheer number of pockets.

Spider hand! Spider hand! [sung to the tune of "Spider Pig"]

Somewhat unmatching. Clearly having an off day.

Phew. Pink shirt makes it all better.

That hand never rests.

Like Johnny Cash. But with a flower.

I’ve been trying to find this jacket for Mr. Sesh ever since I saw it on TV.

And then I just had to throw this in because really, how could I not?

XOXO,

The Sessionista

American Idol: Abbreviated. And Late.

What I learned on American Idol this week:

My sister’s prom dress from 1996 had the same neckline.

JLo has bipolar outfits. One week, amazing glamour. The next week, car-crash horrifying. To wit: perfect red dress ruined by Amish-like, mesh, modesty insert in her bodice (this, from a woman who has gotten THISCLOSE to showing the world her cootchy on TV innumerable times).

The themes are drunkenly chosen from a hat on Thursday night after the results show. I know this because this week’s theme is “the 60s” and “British pop” and the mentor is Steve Van Zandt. The only correlation I can see is that technically, SVZ was alive in the 60s.

Hollie sang “River Deep, Mountain High,” a song which I had to admit to Mr. Sesh: “I always thought one of the lines was ‘like a school boy loves his hand.’”

Penny loves Skylar Laine. She just stared at the TV while she sang CCR’s “Fortunate Son” and cocked her head from side to side (also, love me my CCR).

Phillip takes “Wrote Me a Letter” and turns it into a DMB song. Be still my heart. The judges applaud him for his originality (translation: for doing the exact same thing he has done every song, every week for the past 17 weeks. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE???)

Ryan outed that Dave Matthews has a girlfriend. PP’s chances of winning plummet.

Josh and Dave Matthews sing a duet. It goes as well as you can imagine it would, if you’ve ever heard these two guys sing. I eventually fastforward until the end where Josh rebuffs PP’s modest advances.

Jessica sings Proud Mary. We see what a 16-year-old robot with no life experience looks like singing and dancing her heart and 75 pounds out. You know, a song that Tina Turner, in the words of modern America and Randy Jackson, SLAYED. #TinaForever

Also, Jessica is wearing some hand bling. Some chains. Something that would probably not be allowed on an airplane.

Joshua sings “Ain’t Too Proud to Beg”…this week was made for Joshua. As was his coat, which is so ugly (it has SEQUINS on the arms) that I can’t even focus on the song. And the female back up singers on this song are freaking me the shit out. Josh gives away his flower at the end, to a girl in the crowd that crushes it like a T. Rex crushing a baby sparrow in its miniature arms.

If Mr. Sesh and I can kill this bottle of Malbec before this show is over, I’m going to cry tears of pride. And shame. And pride.

Round 2! We’re on to Songs From British People. I hope someone Dave Matthews sings Spice Girls.

This is Hollie’s wheelhouse. BRITISH POP. She sings Leona Lewis’s “Bleeding Love.” Her dress is Madonna meets Elvira. The fog machine is working harder than I have in my entire life.  But it’s her best performance ever, so there’s that.

How much shorter would this show be if Randy was forced to speak like a normal person? Cut out those 16 “for real for reals” and “for me for you for me for yous” and we could shoehorn this show into 90 minutes.

She’s like a poor man’s Kate Middleton. Which I’d take as a compliment.

Phillip sings “Time of the Season.” I always thought PP was going to win this thing. Then there are nights like this. Girlfriend reveal + lame performances= fall of the last great WGWG*? I spent his song helping Mr. Sesh edit his appeal for donations to CCFA which was a far better use of my time.

The trio of Jessica, Hollie and Skylar kill some time talking about mimicking each other and then Jessica doesn’t mimic either of them and we are all awkwardly reminded that no one likes Jessica.

Jessica’s range of movement is limited to about 4 inches per step, due to her freakishly tight dress. The background guy has gone from super literal to super random, so this is what Mr. Sesh shows me after the girls’ performance.

Skylar is singing “You Don’t Have to Say You Love Me” by Dusty Springfield. Most importantly, two out of work actors in LA have found a spot on stage, sitting on a park bench. This may or may not be the art director’s coup de grace. REAL. LIVE. PEOPLE. It’s so meta.

Jessica is singing “You are So Beautiful,” which launches Mr. Sesh and I into just a bunch of mocking “You. Are. So. BEAUTIFUL….” in super overwrought voices. I assume that Jessica also sang her song while we were doing that.

Joshua sings something that bores me (why? WHY? Why do I not like him???).

I feel like this show would have been better if they had to sing “Thunder Road” and “Nebraska” and “Born to Run.” #SpringsteenForever

XOXO,

The Sessionista

*White Guy With Guitar. Thank you Vote for the Worst. You enrich my life.

American Idol: A Colton-Free Zone (Finally!)

I feel torn about Colton being gone. Who am I going to make fun of now? Oh, who am I kidding?! Everyone.

Theme: “The Songs of Queen” (I can sense Colton’s tears trickling slowly down his cheek and dripping onto his ultra skinny jeans.)

They must be really desperate to mix things up…the judges walked THROUGH the audience to their seats, instead of across the stage. Riveting stuff! Also, J Lo is wearing a gold space suit that NASA would be proud of. Ryan dubs the Idols “music royalty” like “the judges” which we all know is really not the case for Randy, but what are you going to do? (And yes, Randy has a pin on that says “YO”. I guess “YO DOG” didn’t fit. But paired with a completely normal outfit, which I find disappointing).

All this Queen retrospective package is missing is the part where they tell us Freddie Mercury died of AIDS. Wonh, wonh, wonh.

American Idol chose to call him "flamboyant."

The kids sit down with Roger Taylor and Brian May of Queen, where Hollie is quick to compare herself to Freddie Mercury (at least I think that is what she was saying. Even her British brethren have no idea what she’s talking about).

We begin the singing with a Queen medley with the top six and Roger and Brian playing the drums and guitar.  I imagine these guys looked in the mirror before going on and said to themselves, “So. This is how it all ends.”

Quick fashion note: Hollie is wearing a red pantsuit as if she’s going to a board meeting (but with her requisite hooker heels) and, and this may be more exciting…Dave/PP is wearing a, some might say, “bright” blue t-shirt (presses. stopped).

Jessica Sanchez: “Bohemian Rhapsody.” In black and white. Apparently the “floating head” homage was too tempting to resist, because we do get to see 4 BBCHEZHEADS behind her during the slow part. Congratulations, Jessica! You’ve just performed the most boring version of Bohemian Rhapsody in existence.  Steven said Freddie Mercury would be proud and my brain just immediately started screaming “NO! NO! NO!”

Skylar Laine: Skylar tells us she has written a song called “Diamond Studded Pistol.” Well that just says it all, now doesn’t it? She’s singing “The Show Must Go On.” (Wait, Skylar is 18? EIGHTEEN?). She finally looks good (cute dress that doesn’t add 20 pounds like every other outfit she’s worn and sparkle toe pumps). The first half sucks and the second half is quite good…although she does try desperately to countrify it.

Joshua Ledet: “Crazy Little Thing Called Love.” He’s got one of those stand-less mics like it’s the 50s. He tries to make sexy eyes at a female back up singer (tries). The best part about this performance is the fact he’s not oversinging (too much). Oh, wait. There we go. Nevermind. He does look pretty good onstage tonight from a performance standpoint. Oops. Did I just compliment him? My bad.

They just cut to the security guard and I RECOGNIZED him. That is how much American Idol I watch. Ashamed.

Elise Testone: “I Want It All.” Elise sounds and looks the most like Queen (that, too, is actually meant as a compliment). She has a tambourine, the mark of someone who is comfortable on stage (i mean, can you imagine Jessica banging along with a tambourine??). This is my favorite performance so far. Of course, do the judges stand? No, they only do that for Joshua and his screaming church performances. (also, I finally figure out what freaks me out about Elise: her Joker smile).

Your eyes do not deceive you. That is indeed a blue t-shirt.

PP: “Fat Bottomed Girls.” Oh, Phillip. You sneaky little fuck. You’re smarter than I thought. I can just hear chubbies picking up the phone to vote. He’s doing this with no guitar, so this is leaning more towards “serial killer Phil” than “cute Phil.” Also, where the hell is Mr. Literal Background when I need him?????? Just a bunch of photos of chubbies. That would be awesome. Instead we get some boob-like doodles (fun in their own right, but not the same).

Hollie Cavanagh: “Save Me.”  Save me from this heiniously boring song. I feel like it’s a rainy Sunday morning and I’m deciding whether or not to jump. The funny part is this is technically a lot better than most of the other performances. By like…a long shot. (There is a priceless bit where she talks to Jen about “jus leahning the sonn and connetin to it” in an extra strong version of her secret twin language.)

And now on to their second songs. Which are not Queen songs apparently. Rather they get to choose their own. These are the performances that you always think are going to be amazing because they can sing what they’re insanely good at and have been practicing since they were like, 3 years old, but then they inexplicably pick their “favorite” song because they “just love it so much” and then they end up sounding like shit and they can’t understand why. Think “Colton singing Lifehouse.”

Jessica: “Dance With My Father.” I know it’s considered heartless to say this, but I don’t really like this song. I may actually like her version better than Luther Vandross’s. Although it is funny to hear her say “back when I was a child” like she’s 50 or something. (also, the background dude is BACK. Just, pure silhouettes of babies being lifted and hands being held). She also keeps talking about her dad being deployed to Singapore like it’s North Korea.

Skylar: She’s singing a country song (Me: “Do we know what she’s singing?” Mr. Sesh: “Country. Does it really matter what song it is?” Touche.). The best part of this performance is during the package, where Hollie calls her “thick-boned” and then just blames it on being British or something, as if the Brits don’t say “thick-skinned.” And then at the end, she called her “hick skinned” which is just HILARIOUS.

Joshua:  “I Am Ready for Love.” by India Arie. These guys are determined to prove me wrong tonight. They all sound amazing on their song choices. DAMN THEM. This is my favorite Joshua performance by MILES AND MILES. Perhaps because he sat on a stool and for the first time in weeks he’s not wearing a pretentious suit jacket.

Elise: “Bold as Love” by Hendrix. And no, I would not have known that had Mr. Sesh not shouted it out. This should pretty much cement her going home because no one will know that song (in the AI voting universe, and, apparently mine) except for Steven Tyler.

Phillip: Well HALLELUJAH! PP finally got permission from Dave Matthews to use one of his songs apparently, because he is FINALLY SINGING ONE (he didn’t even do so during “idol” week). My. God. But which one will it be???????? “The Stone.” This is kind of a brilliant move because you won’t know this song unless you’re a real Dave Matthews fan. So you can’t compare how “poor man’s Dave” it is. He is wearing all black like it’s an arthouse performance. According to Randy, “Sink or swim, Phillip Phillips will always be Dave Matthews Phillip Phillips.”

Hollie: “The Climb” by the venerable Miley Cyrus. I’ll leave you with this nugget, courtesy of Mr. Sesh: “Hollie is like Jodie Foster playing Celine Dion in a movie of her youth, like 20 years ago.”

Who is going home? I have no idea. I am wrong every week. Probably Elise’s guitarist Wallace.

Who is staying? Randy’s stupid pins. FOREVER, apparently.

XOXO,

The Sessionista

American Idol: And Then There Were Seven. Again.

The world is still recovering from BBCHEZGATE but somehow we have pulled through (somehow!) and Jessica is with us again. But not until after we’re treated to a dramatic piano solo overlaying some even more dramatic screenshots of Jessica. And a TS Eliot quote thrown in, by an obviously over-educated junior producer.  (Quick, who can name a TS Eliot poem off the top of their head that wasn’t an English major? Anyone? Anyone? That’s what I thought.)

So let us go then, you and I:

Clearly there was a sale on chiffon.

Theme: “Songs from 2000 to now” and “Soul songs from back in the day.” (aka “maybe we should just abandon the pretense of having a theme”)

Wow, this is going to be a snark fest from a fashion standpoint. They are all wearing just…tragic outfits*. Tragic, sad little outfits.

This is not creepy at all.

Hollie Cavanagh: “Rollin in the Deep” by Adele. She’s singing a capella to start, which is nutters and pretty ballsy. Of course they gave her the #1 spot in effort to get her sent home. This performance is amazing because A: she sounds really good and B: giant projections of her backup singers’ faces are floating behind her on huge screens.  This is my favorite special effect to-date. Hands down. This puts last week’s burning trash barrels TO SHAME.  On the outfit front, Hollie is wearing a sheer, ankle-length granny skirt, paired, quite naturally with a sequin top (with cut-outs, of course), all topped off with a giant crystal amulet from the Miss Cleo collection.

Colton Dixon: Colton is singing Lady Gaga’s “Bad Romance,” thus ruining one of my FAVORITE songs. Somehow Colton is wearing the ugliest outfit he’s ever worn, and that is saying A LOT. They bring his sister up, who wants to kill him (but she hides it so well!) and basically tells everyone their family can’t believe he’s still around (“we’re so surprised…”). Colton, on this week’s song choice: “I’m missing the rock element, like I’ve had before. So I’m singing Lady Gaga.” Which is weird because I am pretty sure Lady Gaga is firmly entrenched in the “pop” genre. Wow. I hate this in new ways that I have never before experienced. This makes me like last week’s Gotye song (!!!). The all-lady band dressed entirely in white. His visually offensive, ripped, striped trench-jacket. The bright red patch in his over talked-about hair. Oh and he’s mangling one of my favorite songs.  However, at the end he kind of makes it all worth while when he says he’s “expanding his box” every week (she types, giggling).

If you watched a lot of MTV in the 90s, you know this woman well.

Elise Testone: Elise awkwardly tells us she doesn’t know why she’s in the Bottom 3 (here’s a hint: you’re a girl. you’re old. you’re not exactly a Barbie doll). “No One” by Alicia Keys. This could be good (or so bad). The good news- it’s good (such a wordsmith, I know). The bad news- the fan blowing her orange sheer drapery dress is distracting. As is her perma-crouch…like she needs to take a pee behind a bush. Whoever said “Hey, wear this bit of chiffon we stole from a wedding down the street and stand in front of this box fan” steered her wrong. But the singing was good. So she’s probably going home.

Sidenote: Randy has on a lavender blazer. Linen, if I’m not off my mark. And one of those pins. Those god damn pins.

Phillip Phillips: PP, as I call him now, is singing “You Got it Bad” by Usher (As Sung By Dave Matthews). He’s ratcheting up his game and going after some of Colton’s lady voting block with this one. I really like this song, so this little fucker better not ruin it for me like Colton did to “Bad Romance.” Shit. This is pretty good. Ok. There is no way he came up with this arrangement. And if he did I have to rescind all some of my PP hate. WHICH I REALLY DON’T WANT TO DO. Somebody get to the bottom of this for me. I hate that I like this. So ashamed of myself.

Sidenote: I have been watching JLo’s stomach for thirty-five minutes to see if it ever rolls. She is sitting in a chair. With a dress that has a giant cutout around her midriff. AND NARY A CHUB ROLL TO BE SEEN. Not even a tiny one. Life is clearly not fair.

Jessica “I’m Back, Bitches!” Sanchez: My cynicism is reaching an all time high- I’m confident last week’s little ‘Jessica has the lowest votes’ thing was little production stunt to inject a tiny, tiny bit of life into this dull, retread show.  Jessica is singing “Fallin’” by Alicia Keys (probably in effort to completely squash Elise). Jesus, somebody in wardrobe went nuts with the amulets this week. As Mr. Sesh points out, she “looks like Aladdin.” Also, the set designer thought she was singing “Umbrella,” judging by the 6 red umbrellas dangling from the ceiling. I wish they’d just done a montage of people falling. Sniper!

My deepest gratitude to the person who got this screenshot.

Skylar Laine: The only person I genuinely like in this contest. She’s singing “Born This Way” by Lady Gaga. She tells us it’s Gaga’s country version of this (See? Admitting it up front. That’s the way to do it). Wow.  Holy shit. The fiddler. Oh my god. THE FIDDLER. Jesus, is this guy an extra from Twilight??? He looks as if he wants to suck her blood from her lifeless corpse (or however vampires do it). After impaling her with his fiddler bow. Or just…pouting her to death. Mr Sesh: “If Mick Jagger’s lips grew legs, they would be this guy.” Also, throw in Chris Cornell’s doppelgänger on the mandolin and this is just….wow. This brings me back to last season’s “fiddler drinking game.” And yes, I had to watch this three times so as not to miss a single second.

Joshua Ledet: “I Believe” by Fantasia. Guess what? Sounds exactly what you would expect it to. That is all. Moving on.

Second set of songs. Yaaaaayyyyyyyy.

Hollie 2.0: Hollie is wearing a totally normal, cute pink lace dress (the first good outfit in her entire run on American Idol) and she gets a special message from her secret twins Liverpool FC (percentage of interaction which I understood: zero). She’s singing “Son of a Preacher Man.” It’s good. The judges loved it. She’s probably going home (but fingers crossed, it’s her bestie Joshua going home).

How many variations of one terrible outfit can this elfin man-child own?

Colton 2.0: “September” by Earth Wind and Fire. I’m predicting an excessive amount of camera gazing. Check. Piano playing? Check. Falling leaves? Check (yes! My super-literal guy is back!). Me barfing in my mouth? Check.

Elise 2.0: “Let’s Get it On” by Marvin Gaye. Good song for her voice. Of course, America hates her, so they probably don’t want to get it on. And those bell bottoms should be put out of their misery. Wow. Elise talks back to the judges. TO JENNIFER LOPEZ (who called her out for not crying about her dog being on death’s door). All of this then devolves into two things: 1. JLo misappropriating “Somebody to Love” to Led Zeppelin and 2. Randy misappropriating “Let’s Get it On” to Al Green. (and me potentially misappropriating the word “misappropriating”).

I wonder if there is any chance the fiddler is going to make a second appearance in this show. I assume Skylar is going to sing some sort of “country” soul song.

Dave/Phillip/PP 2.0: “Till the Midnight Hour” by Wilson Pickett. Phew.We’re back to the type of PP performances that I don’t like. He doesn’t have his guitar though, which causes me great joy since it means he’s going to do his creeper dance.

Oh god. My night has just been ruined. Mr. Sesh just admitted he played the alto sax growing up. I’m going to have to roll him around in Ryan Gosling photos to make him sexy again. (although he pretty much killed it [in the modern, hip sense of the phrase] when he said, “This is what I sounded like” and cued up “Turn the Page”)

Kris Allen is in the crowd. Aka the guy I can never remember when someone challenges me to name all the American Idol winners** (and that frat boy Lee Dewyze).

Jessica 2.0: “Try a Little Tenderness.” Is it mean that I want her to fall over in those stripper heels? That’s just my inner jealous bitch typing.

Skylar 2.0: Please god, let the fiddler be back. “Heard it Through the Grapevine.” FUCK YES! HE IS BACK AND HIS STALKING/POUTING IS BETTER THAN EVER!!!!!! Shit, so is Chris Cornell. Actually, revising… is Chris Cornell meets Jack White. I’m not even paying attention to Skylar anymore. This fiddler guy is just pure gold. Also, I want nothing more than to grab a ruler and measure how high his hair is. I’m pretty sure it beats his hair idol, Robert Pattinson.

Joshua 2.0: Mantasia is closing down the show with “A Change is Gonna Come.” Can we go 3 for 3 tonight on ruining songs I love? Nope. He sings the most subdued version of any song he has ever sang. On soul night. Go figure.

Who is going home? Joshua, Hollie or Elise.

Who is hopefully staying FOREVER? The fiddler.

XOXO,

The Sessionista

* Except Dave Matthews, who is definitely just wearing the same gray shirt and jeans every week.

** Yes, this has actually happened to me.